Have you ever met a mum who genuinely didn't let their kids' dad see the kids for no good reason?

[TERFCat]

Obviously, this is a tired trope regularly thrown at single mothers by dads and their families who just can't be arsed. Most times I've heard it, I've known for a fact that it's false.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, who introduced his brother as a poor guy who wasn't allowed to see his kids. The story was full of holes, and I ditched the date soon after. It got me thinking though, a lot of people would surely have taken that tale at face value and slagged off a woman they'd never even met. It's just acceptable misogyny.

Anyway, it got me thinking, has anyone ever actually known a woman in real life who has stopped their ex from seeing their kids?

Sadly, yes.
She won't allow any contact because he cheated. Kid doesn't even know the dad does actually want to see him, thinks he's not been in touch for 2 years. How terrible for the poor child.

You are presuming they are paying for these more children.

I know of a few.

One just won't let him see the children despite going to court and mediation.
One that lets him see the children until he doesn't do as he is told or shows the possibility of moving on.
Another that lets him make plans and then goes out or makes other plans on the day.

There are a few more.

I've been told I did this, my own DC think that, but the truth is I just always told him to call back when he wasn't high/ drunk, and I ended up changing my phone number one night after an hour of abuse from him. I had to it, I couldn't cope with it, and I don't regret it. The DC see him on their own now they're older, and I have nothing to do with him

Again though, these examples are of women not behaving well and making things difficult... But she's not actually stopping the man. If those were my children I wouldn't allow it. I'd turn up five hours early and wait, I'd call the police, I'd go back to court. There are always things you can do. Who turns up to find their kids out for the day and says well, guess I'm not seeing them then? Someone whose heart is broken every day from not seeing their kids fights.

I'm one of those mothers. I blatantly stopped my ex husband from seeing our son. I made everything "really difficult" and it was so inconvenient for him and OW and how dare I be so greedy to ask for maintenance at more than a £100 a month while her son was at public school!

The truth was OW hated and resented my little boy. When I was diagnosed with cancer she decided that contact had to end as I was too much of a threat and ex had to choose between our son and her. He chose her. They then moved 750 miles away. Of course the story to everybody else was that I stopped contact and was a psychopath. And everything else. If a man told me that he wasn't allowed to see his kids, I'd run a bloody mile.

So why hasn't he gone to court? Why hasn't he fought? It's not difficult to make an application and you can self rep. It's excuses.

They all went to court to fight and won, you can call the police but what will they do? the children are with the RP.
What do you do when the mother is being "difficult" and calls the police on you for sitting outside the house for five hours? I've seen it done.

And yes they were stopping the father from seeing their children.

Have you applied to court?

This thread here is a great example of just that OP. A woman who doesn't want her ex to have 50/50 custody as 'why should he, he left us, he could've stayed' and doesn't want to do his proposed eow as she wants weekends all to herself

These women exist and are on this site

My ex is a d**k!! http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5083905-my-ex-is-a-dk

Birth certificates don't work like that though.

If the father isn't married or in a civil partnership with the mother, then he needs to pull his finger out to get on his child's birth certificate.

If he can't attend with the mother to register the birth then he needs to go to Court and ask to be put in the birth certificate asap.

A mother cannot put the father on the birth certificate if they aren't married or in a civil partnership and he doesn't attend the registration.

I know someone who had to go to Court and was accused of harassment and abuse in the process. Luckily he was at work or elsewhere with witnesses at the time so the allegations were withdrawn. I also know of someone who after being told what to do simply would not do it and every year, or so asks how to get on his children's - notice the plural - birth certificates.

Yes. One of our best friends had this happen to him, she even kept him off the birth certificate originally.

However, he jumped through every hoop and kept on going through mediation and ultimately courts and now is on the BC and has proper access including half of holidays etc. He's moved his entire life as she moved 4 hours away, he changed jobs to ensure he could do pick ups/drop offs/holidays etc. The best thing I can ever say about him is that his child is none the wiser and they have a great relationship - and to be fair the DM doesn't appear to bad mouth DF to them either so it's good that even when there was a lot of pain and heartache, they both kept a lid on it for their DC.

Yes I know a few women who have unnecessarily prevented or made it extremely difficult for the fathers to see their children.

My ex MIL did just that. Her H had an affair and left went to court for access but she told the kids 5 & 6 at the time that he didn't love them and didn't want them. Actually told them that he loved his new wife's kids. He sent birthday and Christmas presents for years and she'd open the cards take out any money and shove them back in the post return to sender. He kept all of the presents that were returned so he could show them them if they im ever got in touch. She just hated him for leaving her so she took her revenge out by stopping all contact with the kids. They all reconnected when my ex was 30.

The police can force contact that's court mandated. You can in theory go to prison for withholding children under court mandated time. I agree
though that this situation starts getting really difficult.

No they can't unless there are specific orders from the Family Court.

Most parents with a nasty ex don't get those orders unless they go to Court repeatedly and also get the right judge.

Banning them seems exteme if they were otherwise treating the children the same, but it does say a lot about grandparents when they divide siblings based on genetics like that. Makes you wonder how they would treat an adopted child too!

I know for sure of one and possibly another. I am certain there are many more men whose narrative is suited by claiming the ex doesn't let them see the child for no good reason when actually they have made no effort or there'd a great reason the ex wants to protect the child, but it does happen.

My ex told everyone that I was a bitter mum who didn’t let him see his newborn son ‘for no reason’. He failed to tell everyone that he was abusive and I had to flee and go to the police numerous times during pregnancy because he was threatening to k*ll me and set me on fire. But you bet everyone treated him like a victim and that I was this awful bitter baby mum who is keeping a child away from their poor dad.

I think that’s why I’m a bit biased and I will never look at it at face value when a dad says the mum keeps their kid away from them, I feel like a lot of people believe that one side of the story without questioning why the mum had to make that decision. Of course there are mums who are bitter who do it, but a majority of the time there are genuine reasons.

@TheFormidableMrsC

No I have not applied to court, I did look into it and was told mediation would be the first step however ex told me in no uncertain terms he wouldn't show up. I work (and pay maintenance for son) he doesn't work and doesn't pay. My finances are very tight as I have 3 other kids to support (all his) and I wouldn't be entitled to any help with mediation/court costs. A solicitor said it would cost thousands. He would get help as he doesn't earn anything so I know he would drag it out as much as possible. He seems to know every loophole/ how to push boundaries.

Son is also 15 so by the time it went to court it would be whatever he said he wanted and he would say he will just see me whenever however where they have moved to is a drive away so he's reliant on his dad for lifts to come back to school/see me/friends etc. I have offered to pick him up but he won't tell me even remotely the town they live in so I could pick him up a short walk away. His dad has an awful way of manipulating things in his favour I can't even explain how, if it did go to court it would be me being the difficult one and I know it would just be something else to go against me. When he first moved out I tried to argue it and offered mediation for 50/50 etc and he said no. All or nothing.

I also know he told his family and friends I was stopping him from seeing the kids (his mum has since told me) - in actual fact I was begging him to have them more/would of happily don't 50/50 for a break and to help me work wise but he was more interested in his new gf who didn't want the kids and his contact got less and less. So I do see it on the other foot too!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you 🌺🌺

No.

but its just a theory. it rarely happens.

A friend of mine was on what he called the mediation roundabout. His ex refused to let him see his child. he went to court, court said mediation, he organised mediation, she didn't turn up.
and around they went.

This was some years ago and now the child has gone no contact with either parent.

This was my situation, I took the dc to his house. I did that partly because I knew that if I didn't, I'd look bad (vindictive) and I'd be judged for not facilitating meetings. Now, my daughter holds some anger/frustration that I did that. She knows what he's like. And more to the point for her, she knows I knew what he was like. We have talked about it. I apologised for leaving her with him. We were able to discuss things luckily. If he'd come into her life when she was a young teenager, she would have been more vulnerable. But as it is, she observed him losing his temper, being grumpy and selfish when I took her to see him. She understands that her boundaries are better for having had the conscious awareness or experience of him trying to manipulate her. He is all the time "me! My feelings! and luckily she has the distance to think um you didn't ask me one question.

I'm sure if I had refused to take her to see him ever despite knowing what he was like she would have held it against me, idealised him, and so, been more vulnerable to his manipulations.

It's tough to get it right. My x's family all hate me too that used to hurt, the injustice of it. Now I don't care.