Have you ever met a mum who genuinely didn't let their kids' dad see the kids for no good reason?

[TERFCat]

Obviously, this is a tired trope regularly thrown at single mothers by dads and their families who just can't be arsed. Most times I've heard it, I've known for a fact that it's false.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, who introduced his brother as a poor guy who wasn't allowed to see his kids. The story was full of holes, and I ditched the date soon after. It got me thinking though, a lot of people would surely have taken that tale at face value and slagged off a woman they'd never even met. It's just acceptable misogyny.

Anyway, it got me thinking, has anyone ever actually known a woman in real life who has stopped their ex from seeing their kids?

One, my ex's now ex wife. She left, took the children, he met someone else and she made up so many lies which she told the children. He's a broken man. Completely destroyed him.

Yes my aunt did when she and my uncle divorced.

This was years ago and my uncle reconciled with his children when they became adults.

I know at least one of them ended up having counselling over it.

In my experience men expect women to completely facilitate their lives and when women stop doing this (ie don't drive kids to them, swap days to fit in with dad's plans) then they're accused of blocking contact when they've just stopped bending over backwards.

My experiences have probably skewed my perspective somewhat but I do believe dads who don't bother are more common than women who maliciously block contact.

I know of four women who've attempted to block a father's contact.
One is my brother's ex wife - 100% justified. He just seems to not know how to be a dad. She still allows all of the rest of our family to see the kids though and we're all on good terms.
One is a man who was incredibly violent and actually quite scary. The courts forced contact that time.
The other two I only know the man's side of the story but I'd be very interested to hear mum's side!

My ex would claim I did.

In reality, he failed to bring even ID with him when it was time to put his name on the BC, failed to show up to put his name on independently, therefore never paid a penny in maintenance and I did not chase him, but refused communication outside of official channels after he threatened to kill me.

It's been 18 years. His family still tell anyone who'd listen that I'm the evil witch who won't let him see his kid.

Yes.
And she was a lovely person
Just deeply misguided about her ex

Yes, and the children were removed from the narcissistic mother to reside with father until 18. Withheld contact, alleged rape, lied, alleged DV, but evidence proved the lies. 2 letters per year. It does happen.

I only know one. Out of maybe a couple of dozen over the years with an ex that made that claim.

Yep, my own selfish cow of a SIL stopped her ex seeing their son when they split up, purely because he'd started dating her ex-SIL (my DH's ex wife - yes, I know it sounds like something off Jeremy Kyle) and then she also stopped her niece (DH's DD) from seeing her cousins out of spite (DSD was only 7/8 at the time and in NO WAY responsible for her mum seeing her ex-uncle).

They ended up getting married and having a kid of their own and SIL spoiled the relationship for her son and his dad/sibling.

I have been accused of not allowing my ex to see his child. It makes him look better to other people to say that is the case.

The reality is, he didn't show much interest. So I stopped chasing him. It's now been about 15 years since I heard from him and his family. There was no argument, no drama, I just stopped getting in touch and so did he.

Some people who know
him have asked me why I stopped him seeing my daughter. It's laughable actually, there was no fall out, no drama, just zero effort on his part. He's also paid maintenance this whole time because I claimed it. It doesn't make him a hero. I've never changed phone number, I lived in the same house for many years, he could have made contact any time.

And yet, I apparently don't allow him to see his child. He has had constant partners since this time and I always wonder why these women are so keen to be with a man who cannot commit to his own child. But then, he loves to make out he is a victim, the big bad ex wouldn't let him see his child. Woe is me! 😂

If a man does not see his children, it's a red flag to me and I'd be very cynical. But that's my experience.

No,
Though I had a six year relationship with a man who convinced me that his ex wife was withholding contact because she hated him for no good reason.

I supported him through years of court battles only to find that he was in fact a narcissist.

When he won in court, he then turned on me, and repeated history of all the things she claimed he had done, then he did to me.

I think it's rare, and most mothers want a good father in their child's life.

He has had constant partners since this time and I always wonder why these women are so keen to be with a man who cannot commit to his own child.

He’ll be like my ex and very good at convincing them he’s the victim.

I always remember one poor woman’s face when she said to me “He’s taking you to court and even if you keep moving house constantly he will keep fighting and get access to the girls” and I replied to her that my daughters, then age 6, had lived in the same house for their entire lives. He’d completely conned her about the whole situation.

He’s done that endlessly over the years. Although I do wonder how he gets away with it now as he has 7 children (from mine in their 20s down to early primary age) by 3 women and doesn’t see any of them. That’s got to be harder to explain away!

Never come across it myself.

My ex has claimed for the past year or so that I've stopped him seeing the kids. I've begged him to stick to the parenting plan and pleaded for a break and to be able to work. I've dropped them off to him when he's refused to pick them up. I've made the kids go when they are upset and begging not to. And still he says I keep them from him to get sympathy.

Recently I've decided to stop forcing any of it. He's pretty much dropped off the face of the earth.

No because it's a myth

How do you come to that conclusion when there are pages of people who have already said they do know people.

All that is needed is the court application fee. Contact orders are usually self represented, it doesn't even require any intelligence past being able to read.
Any dad who isn't seeing their children either doesn't want to, or there is very good reason because even proven severe DV against the mother doesn't prevent contact with the children.
And any of the "she won't follow the order" rubbish is excuses. That will lead to custody being changed in legitimate cases.

I think that's the way these things go though, when the dad is genuinely being prevented from seeing their kids (and vice versa). One parent refuses to let the children spend time with the other parent or refuses to return them when its time. The police won't get involved because the child is "safe". So its a long, horrible slog through the family courts. If one parent is malicious they can keep throwing spanners in the works/moving/not following court orders. However, eventually it will reach a point where either the uncooperative parent has to play ball, or the courts will award full custody to the other parent. Of course its hugely traumatic, damaging to the children and can take years. But the outcome is likely to end the way you described - the Dad gets to see the kids. It makes me more suspicious when you have parents saying "she/he won't let me see the kids" because its not as simple as that.

In those cases though, you go back to court and say parent not complying, and they will be told to comply. Repeat a few times. Eventually the non-complying parent will be told allow contact or full custody is going to the other parent. It isn't that "court says resident parent should allow contact, resident parent doesn't, nothing further can be done."

Well the fact a man even has to take it to court to be able to see his kids shows that the woman isn't allowing it 🙄 yes he could go to court but that means he's being stopped to begin with

Yes 2 men I know very well this has happened to. Obviously far more women I know have feckless exes, but it does happen.

No it doesn’t. It can just show that what is being asked for is unreasonable and not in the best interests of the children.

Yes. One. She completely rewrote history forgetting that some people were around in the early stages.

Yes, my mother in law.
She stopped my DH father from seeing him and his sister when they got divorced when he was seven and his sister was three.
She wouldn't even allow them to mention him!
She then remarried and told my DH and his sister that her new husband was now their dad and they were to refer to him as such.
As an adult, my DH traced his father and they met up.
We were stunned when his father pulled out a box file containing reams of court letters with dates for hearings, all of which he attended and the orders for access, which she still denied him. Every time he turned up to collect them for his access, she would either have taken them out or ' they were ill ', or she would simply say they're not here and slam the door in his face.
We were further shocked when he showed us the divorce papers.
He has divorced my mother in law on the grounds of her adultery with my DH stepfather named as the man she had the affair with on the divorce papers ( this was back before the law changed on that )
Not only had my DH and his sister missed out on their father, but their fathers family too.
I doubt the bitterness will ever leave them.
They were used as pawns in a game of power which has repercussions lasting a lifetime.

Sadly, the his happened to two of my cousins in the 1980’s. Their Mum wouldn’t allow them to see their Dad after she had an affair and left him. The Dad kept trying to see them, but she made it very difficult.

When the eldest was 16, he contacted his Dad and they started seeing each other again.

How do you know that it was for no good reason?
Some of my friends don't even know the worst things my ex did and all of the safeguarding concerns.

I know a couple of women who told the father it wasn’t his child, or claimed to have an abortion, and presumably they didn’t care enough to ask for a paternity test, and were probably just glad to be off the hook for child support and babysitting. Basically the mums just wanted the dads to go away, they didn’t want to share custody or have the hassle of dealing with him.