Have you ever met a mum who genuinely didn't let their kids' dad see the kids for no good reason?

[TERFCat]

Obviously, this is a tired trope regularly thrown at single mothers by dads and their families who just can't be arsed. Most times I've heard it, I've known for a fact that it's false.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, who introduced his brother as a poor guy who wasn't allowed to see his kids. The story was full of holes, and I ditched the date soon after. It got me thinking though, a lot of people would surely have taken that tale at face value and slagged off a woman they'd never even met. It's just acceptable misogyny.

Anyway, it got me thinking, has anyone ever actually known a woman in real life who has stopped their ex from seeing their kids?

The woman who brought about our birth would beat us and then take us to A&E to tell doctors that we had returned from our dads with signs of abuse. It worked perfectly, despite all of us telling social services and the police she was harming us, we were removed from our dad, every time we ran away the police would forcibly return us to her. She was eventually found out, despite this we were still ignored by every single professional, so rather than being returned to our dad we were placed in care.

I know a mother who made it extraordinarily difficult for the father to see his sons after the split. His parents had looked after the children so their parents could work and they had been very involved in their lives. The mother stopped them from seeing their grandchildren. The children were teens when the split happened. Sadly, in their twenties, their Dad got cancer and died. The boys made no effort to see their father before he died because the mother insisted that cancer was a ruse to try to see his sons. The boys were devastated by his death. Now grown up with their own children they have both cut their mother out of their lives.
His parents, their grandparents, found it so hard to have their beloved grandchildren taken from them as a punishment. Now in their thirties, the sons have reached out to their grandmother, the grandfather has died. She is very wealthy having inherited from both her son and brother. But she has dementia and has forgotten about the boys and her daughter feels it better that she has nothing to do with them. She also thinks the sons have only now shown interest in their grandmother because of her wealth.
It is such a sad story and the mother's bitterness has had devastating effects on the family. She is alone in old age because her sons resent how she kept them from their father.

Yeah,

A thoroughly nasty woman.

She weaponised their DD and lied and lied and lied.

Unfortunately she was not the only one.

I never believe the "shit father" narrative anymore. I've seen too many other women use their children to hur the father.

Men tend to either be absent, but not vindictive, or desperately want to see their children. But very few men tend to be vindictive and use their children to hurt their ex. That seems exclusively something we do.

Strange.

I do think you see a lot of posts on here from mothers who want to cut birth dads out of their lives and start again. A common thread is about a separated mother who wants to move her and the kids near her parents or new boyfriend even if it puts hundreds of miles between the children and their father.
It is not new. It used to be thought that when parents divorced it was better for the woman to start again with a new man. Edith Wharton's book, The Custom of the Country, (1913) is all about the heartbreak of a man who has his beloved son taken from him by his ex wife and he never is allowed to see him again so he commits suicide.

My dm, she made it very difficult for my df to see me. I grew up thinking my stepfather was my dad until I was eleven. Met my dad when I was 18.
I do blame my dad to some degree and feel he have fought harder but I also what my dm was like, the feelings can be quite conflicting

It's not a myth. I know my DGKs dad I see him and his parents,my GKs see him weekly. Mother of his first child, came from a complex very religious family. He was very young and not married, his parents spent a fortune on courts. Ex changed the child's name, got various new partners. Recently child became 18 and traced his dad. My DS met a woman from another country, she told him a pack of lies, which he fell for. Pregnant, married, actually bullied him! I heard her sometimes, when he was walking about with the landline. One night he threw an empty box at her, after one of her rages. He's a quiet gentle soul. She called the police. He ended up in a secure psych unit, heavily medicated. Then over a year in a mental health unit. She went into his sister's place of work one day (think large well known big store) screaming at her in public, demanding DSs phone number, told my DD she could have been someone had a fantastic job had she bothered to go to college, said DD was actually a manager!! She divorced,re married. My DS hasn't worked since, she ruined his life.

Just one.

She genuinely is the stereotype of a crazy ex though. She stalked me for 18 months. I wasn't the new partner. I'm not quite sure what the aim was.

Court etc was awful. I wouldn't have believed what happened if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

The father is completely no contact now, sadly. The only contact with the mother is periodic abuse (on the phone he has speficially for her) and the transfer of CMS.

The people that I now did go back to court, yet the cycle persisted and teh courts did nothing.

I one case eow and 1 night in the week was what was being asked and the father was good enough for it when the mother allowed it to happen because the father was behaving as she wanted him to.

Yes. And it's heartbreaking for all concerned. It's about control and her wanting to start a new life with her new partner-her ex husband-the children's dad is an inconvenient fly in that ointment.

Not deliberately stopped him but DP's ex used to make it difficult. Eg she moved an hour away but refused to facilitate any contact. Said that if he didn't collect DSS and take him home every weekend he just wouldn't be able to see him. Also threatened not to allow him access if he reduced maintenence payments when he changed careers into a lower paid job (he had health issues that meant he couldn't continue with his original career).

I also know women who have been forced to allow access to Dads who abused their partner. The family court system doesn't seem to work for either situation.

Placemarking as I’m reading through this again

On paper you’d say I did. You’d say I dragged him through courts and contact centres and refused to facilitate drop offs and pick ups. Everyone I knew assumed I was doing it to cut him out.
What no one knew is that I was raped for many years in my marriage, emotionally abused and physically at some points. No one but the police and the close few I could trust knew that he sent me a text threatening to jump off a bridge with our children. I refused to be the village or Facebook gossip so quietly left with the clothes I had on and my children on the false pretence I was doing the school run. Everyone believed him, something I will never forgive those friends for.
what I didn’t do was argue in court, I worked with them and suggested steps forward to make sure their relationship was maintained as safely as possible.
seeing his children was used another stick to get a me with, it was relentless through the years. But talk to him and it’s a different story.

But to the outside world I was woman who had made it difficult for this poor man to see his children. Things go on sometimes that we don’t discuss or disclose in public but it doesn’t mean we are withholding children for no good reason.