Have you ever met a mum who genuinely didn't let their kids' dad see the kids for no good reason?

[TERFCat]

Obviously, this is a tired trope regularly thrown at single mothers by dads and their families who just can't be arsed. Most times I've heard it, I've known for a fact that it's false.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, who introduced his brother as a poor guy who wasn't allowed to see his kids. The story was full of holes, and I ditched the date soon after. It got me thinking though, a lot of people would surely have taken that tale at face value and slagged off a woman they'd never even met. It's just acceptable misogyny.

Anyway, it got me thinking, has anyone ever actually known a woman in real life who has stopped their ex from seeing their kids?

Oh no - that's awful.
My friends dh's mum told him as an older teenager , his dad was dead.

She'd actually told ex she was remarrying and they didn't need him.

Maybe he should have fought more.
But every time he tried to see them he had the door slammed in his face.

They did find him some 20 years later. And along with another sibling have a great relationship with him.

I’m a staunch feminist and child of a mother who fled an abusive marriage with us in tow. I honestly thought that men who said ‘she stopped me seeing my kids’ were weak, spineless bullshitters. And I still do see it as a huge red flag and am extremely sceptical.

But it happened to a close male relative. His ex had serious but undiagnosed MH issues (obvious for years before they split) and she told such terrible lies to the children, the police, social services, CAFCASS, the courts and domestic abuse charities. Luckily it all came out in the end, but it took years of court cases for my relative to finally get access to his kids by which time the children were on a child protection plan due to emotional abuse by their mother who was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder - and so much damage had been done it was heartbreaking.

My relative then got an aggressive form of cancer and died, having missed out on 5+ years of his children’s childhoods already.

He was a good man, a dedicated father and he never said a bad word against his ex, other than to say she wasn’t well.

This woman might have been in the minority, but not all mothers have their children’s best interests at heart. It’s dangerous to assume they do.

In both the cases I told it was the woman I knew so definitely not falling for a man making excuses. Both women were quite open about what they were doing.

Username947531
Exactly. I've seen this first hand as a witness in the family courts so I'm not going on what I've been told. I was horrified how things were twisted and misreported. In my DP's case it was in the court's interest to portray him as the baddie so they could justify giving his ex all his assets (and I mean all - he was left homeless and penniless).

Family courts only deal with contact. They don't have anything to do with financial decisions.

My daughter’s dad told everyone I was stopping him seeing her when she was 18 months old, which has never been the case. He took me to court for full custody. I had proof via messages and emails that I would constantly arrange contact for him who would then cancel. Turns out he wanted full custody so he wouldn’t have to work. The court ended up granting him less time than I was offering…

I know a father who wouldn't allow mum to see their child. It was an abusive relationship & a very acrimonious split. Each parent ended up with one child who now don't have much to do with each other. It's pretty sad to be honest that adults can behave like this when there are children involved.

No I’ve never known a mum deny contact. As a single mum myself for many years I’ve met quite a few single parents ( I was a member of a local gingerbread group for single parents) and I’ve only ever come across the opposite! Mums who encourage contact despite the father’s lack of interest and or abusive behaviour. I’ve known some fathers who have denied contact though. One took the baby over 200 miles away. Another has completely alienated the mother and turned the kids against her. She is fighting hard to see her children. Another one local to me was where the father took the 3 year old boy. He told him his mum was dead! Took the mum a long time to get it to court. She hadn’t seen her son for over a year. Court saw sense on that one and she ended up with sole custody. Father isn’t allowed contact at all. Poor child is messed up. Not saying you don’t get awful mothers who deny good fathers contact. But no I’ve never known any in real life. I do know some mums who stay with abusive partners in fear of losing the kids/or sharing the kids because they no the kids are safer if she’s around. Awful what these women have to put up with to keep those kids safe.

Loads.

I used to work in child justice and saw lots of it sadly.

Not all men are bad. And some women are.

Yes. I was absolutely disgusted. I am always on the woman's side - but she went too far. It took thousands of pounds and years in court before Dad got nearly half and half custody. Funnily enough it all got very reasonable when she got another man. Honest to goodness, she was absolutely entitled, kept referring to herself.as the "primary parent". I warned from the age of two that she was going to try to make it so difficult that the dad gave up seeing the child. Now child has regular time with both parents, but I reckon they will end up with dad full time when they can make a choice.

This. I'm sure it happens now and then, but it's far rarer ime than the other scenario - father who can't be bothered with his kids.

And quite often 'ex doesn't let me see the kids' means 'ex doesn't drop everything to facilitate me seeing the kids'. It seems to cover a lot of things like the ex won't do the driving, provide food or clothes, let them stay over or have contact at their house, give money for contact activities, rearrange the kids' schedules and drop everything if the dad decides he wants to see them, pick them up again afterwards.

It's much easier to co-parent with a committed parent who provides time and resources, even if you're not together, than to do it on your own. It's also much better for the kids. I think most RPs realise this, perhaps to the extent of trying too hard to facilitate contact with an NRP who isn't truly committed. The tendency is to think any contact with the other parent - however low-grade and sporadic - is better for kids than no contact. Personally, I think the importance of stability for kids is under-emphasised and NRPs who can't provide this are often more harmful than beneficial to their kids.

Yes a few but my worst one was my own mother she tried to tell us all the bad stuff about him and at the age we was we did believe her and thought he was a monster.
Fast forward we got older and soon realised what an awful woman mum was omg she had A level lies.
I met my dad when i was 16 and he was lovely he went court but mum kept moving home made sense he paid CM for all us children 4 of us but we never got a penny he showd us proof of the courts and payments mum spent it on her self and got things for the home she would want.
Im no contact with her at all now neither are my siblings she was an awful awful woman.

Another one was a friend of mine i no longer talk to as she said i only use the father for money hes not gonna see his kid until i get as much out of him as i can.
She says yes then its something as come up.
She said my child dont need the money but i do someone as to pay for my nails clothes ect.
And tells her child daddy cant come to see you because he dont want to he a bad daddy can you say bad daddy.
I just smiled and thought yeah my mum the second never spoken to her again after that.

A family friend. She’s dumped her pre teen child with her parents as she’s now remarried, yet refuses to allow her daughter to have any contact with her dad for no reason at all.

Almost identical story here.

Yes, a number of times, mostly when the ex left for another woman. Unfortunately the Mums concerned got their "own back" by stopping contact, often inventing spurious reasons, without being able to see this affected the children.

Unfortunately the woman who brought about my birth, she was incredibly abusive, she would hit us after contact with our dad so she could then take us to A&E to document abuse she claimed our dad had caused. We used to go to his, but due to her claims of him being abusive the police and social services would always return us. She didn’t want us, she had zero interest in us, she just wanted to hurt her ex. We eventually ended up in care as her false allegations meant we couldn’t be returned to our dad when she eventually got bored and ramped up the abuse.

I've met several mums who wanted kids but didn't want a husband or for their kids to have a father. So have ended up having one night stands, dumping the man once she's up the duff etc.

One of the mums at the kids' primary school has admitted to cutting her ex out of the kids' life for no other reason than "my son don't need no father. i mean yeah he was a nice bloke but i just wanted a sperm donor."

Yes.

Please see username.

I think it happens a lot although there is usually a reason why the mother feels she can’t co-parent with the Father. Even if it is something that a court would not agree with.

Yes I know 3 women who treat their child like a possession and have not acted in the best interest of the children. Its been very upsetting to witness close hand one of these situations, especially as she gets older and is more aware of what it happening.
I think it's a disgrace that a women can omit information on a child's birth certificate and I very rarely have any respect for a woman who does that, in most cases it is not in the interest of the child at all.
One of the women now have a very strained relationship with their late teenage daughter as they have grown to realise it was her who was the obstruction in their relationship with their father - looking like she will loose that relationship. Sad, but rightly so.

I do also know 2 fabulous women who have acknowledged it is not their child's fault that they chose to have a baby with someone who turned out to not be the best- but they have done their best to work with the fathers to ensure their child feels loved by both parents, has both in their lives and not feel abandoned - has it been easy for one of them- not at all she has done more than she probably should, but she did that for her kids, not the Ex - she is a fabulous mother.

Yes.
She was emotionally abusive from quite early on in the relationship.

I haven’t. I work in domestic abuse and every single day, the perpetrator will accuse the victims (usually mothers) of preventing contact between them and the child/ren. He says it’s out of spite but she is trying to protect them from his behaviour. They tell friends, family and social media that she’s crazy and an evil woman. His new girlfriend believes him.

The truth is, the women would do anything for their children to have a loving relationship with their dad. They’d absolutely love the respite & break from being mum 24 hours a day! And they’d absolutely love the emotional, practical and financial support that comes with co-parenting. Unfortunately some fathers hate their children’s mother more than they love their child.

Only one and I’ve known hundreds of not 1000s of separated parents. I think it’s exceptionally rare. Most of the time it translates to the ex won’t let the dad see the kids at any time, any place without any routine or sense of safety for the kids. I’ve had various family members claim they weren’t allowed to see their kids, when the reality is they refused to say which days and times they would come, then would turn up after months of no contact at 8pm and wonder why they weren’t allowed to whisk the kids away.

I'm currently the mum who is stopping my EXH seeing our 2 DC. This is after 18 months of doing everything I can to facilitate contact despite being advised by womens aid, social services, solicitor, family and friends not to let him see them. During the 18 months I was trying to facilitate contact he told everyone I wasn't allowing him to see them and he was very much the victim 🙄 now that I have made the decision (for genuine safeguarding reasons) I'm an ever bigger c*nt in his eyes and sadly over time he's convinced some people his version is the truth. My conscience is clear though and when the children are old enough I have a paper trail/court documents to show that he wasn't interested in seeing them unless it was as a way to try and exert control over me/worm his way back in.
Of course if he was responding to this post you would hear a very different version of events!

I once was at a party where a woman was bragging about it. She was jealous of her ex's partner and didn't want her kids to like her so stopped them from seeing him. Not sure if/how it was resolved.

Nope never met a woman stopping contact for no reason. Seen women bending over backwards to facilitate it and have the ex saying she's blocking contact because she won't agree to extended holidays or because she won't drop everything short notice she accused of parental alienation. Only known one woman I would describe as difficult to her ex and she was allowing contact just being overly controlling about it