Have you ever met a mum who genuinely didn't let their kids' dad see the kids for no good reason?

[TERFCat]

Obviously, this is a tired trope regularly thrown at single mothers by dads and their families who just can't be arsed. Most times I've heard it, I've known for a fact that it's false.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, who introduced his brother as a poor guy who wasn't allowed to see his kids. The story was full of holes, and I ditched the date soon after. It got me thinking though, a lot of people would surely have taken that tale at face value and slagged off a woman they'd never even met. It's just acceptable misogyny.

Anyway, it got me thinking, has anyone ever actually known a woman in real life who has stopped their ex from seeing their kids?

Quoting for truth. I feel sorry for the gullible who believe these tired old stories.

What I do see is parents, usually fathers, given access despite being really crap fathers with a terrible history. Even some really bad parents get supervised access and it’s not good for the kids.

You have to be truly awful to not get awarded any access to your children. These parents lie and blame it on some sort of injustice, lies being told, the court hating them. No, you just don’t deserve your kids and everyone can see that.

The ones where it's genuine or the mother is playing games won't tell you that.

Though as I've previously mentioned it is interesting to get a step-father's perspective.

I'm a she :)

I'm not even going into any details. They're far too traumatic for me to start going into, particularly to people who seem to find it entertaining. It's not at all funny to me that I couldn't close my eyes at night for at least eighteen months without getting horrific flashbacks and panic attacks over what happened.

And I am by far not the only person to experience this.

As I say, I'm envious of those who are able to believe that the family courts are a good and decent institution. I genuinely hope nothing ever happens to them to disabuse them of that belief.

It’s not about being awarded access it’s about whether the RP allows it. They can just not turn up or not let them collect the kid.

Why should a dad be paying maintenance and then have to pay to go to court to see their children - or they are the shit ones?

I know woman who absolutely made the dads life difficult and won't "allow" 50/50 etc. they often trout out lines like "he only wants 50/50 to avoid maintenance".

I think as soon as we see men may want to parent as equally as woman and make the system fairer on both sides this kind of crap that ultimately affects the children will reduce.

What I have seen is far too many children who are used by both parents as a way of getting to their ex. I’ve seen fathers who seem not to give a damn about their child and I’ve seen fathers driven to the brink of suicide because their ex will not let them see their child.

Yes I know 3

But I know far more mums that have exes that don't bother with their kids!

So it does happen but not as frequently as the dads sodding off and blaming the mum!

No

I do know a few dads who are very reductive about why they don’t see their children. I know one who says “My wife broke up with me because I came home from the pub drunk and she has poisoning the kids against me all because I got drunk at the pub!”
What he doesn’t tell people is that he’s she dumped him because he went to the pub - nearly every night for years and was useless as a result the next day.

He also doesn’t tell them that the reason he can’t see his kids is because he turned up to their rural school on his contact day, shortly after the split, pissed as a fart having driven there and threatened the teachers who refused to hand the kids over to a drunk driver.

I automatically assume there’s a bigger story behind the reductive BS of the evil woman ex, and I also assume that the man was probably at fault if he can’t see his kids.

Too many women let deadbeat dads have contact when the kids would be better off without.

Yes my cousin... He sold his house and moved continent, and then fought in court to have access

Nope. But I've met several women with exes not interested in seeing their kids after divorce (like, completely forgetting thy exist, paying money but only interested in new partner/ new kids).

My own bio dad forgot I exist after divorcing my mum. Remarried, had more kids and never wanted to see me - told my mum he is not interested when she tried to contact him - but, apparently, was a good dad until the divorce. I always wonder what is going on in these guys' heads.

What do you mean "why should they?" What a stupid comment. It's called wanting the best for your children.

If someone tried to keep my child from me then every single penny I had would be spent trying to fight it, I simply couldn't rest or do anything other than try and get my child back. Not seeing my child would consume me all day every day, I couldn't live a normal life or function if someone was keeping my child from me.

Yes, well she had a reason he'd cheated and she hated him. Not a good reason though. She went as far as making up abuse allegations she freely admitted were false before he finally gave up.

I know two other women who've made it really hard, telling the chosen that if they see Daddyits betraying Mummy. If uou love Mummy you'd tell Daddy you hate him type thing. One of those women was a social worker very clever just felt so betrayed she couldn't see past it.

My Grandsons got to the age of 8 and 9 and 11 and came home one Sunday and said they didn't want to see their Dad anymore.
He had shouted at them and hit them.. ( his Dad used to be like that)..because they got bored sitting on old car seats while he worked in his garage.. they are all ASD.
.
This was 8 years ago and they have not seen him since.
They have grown into the most kind .. caring .. intelligent teens.

And so many of these men who "can't afford" to fight in court go on to have more children, they can afford to have more children but not try and see their existing ones? Right.

Yes my mother tried to stop my dad seeing us as kids, he spent every penny he had and more on court to gain access, she even moved us where he didn’t know where we were and claimed she was a victim of domestic violence.
But, very few other claims are genuine, I always think well my dad in the 90’s managed it when things were a lot less fair so if he did then other men clearly haven’t tried hard enough. Or there’s a reason he has no access .

Yes, it happens.

There's been plenty a thread on here where other MN users have suggested people withhold access to their children. Women repeatedly use their kids as weapons and it's very sad.

No. But I know several who should have.

Yes,2 in my family. First my DGKs dad, previous partner. He paid maintenance,ex wouldn't let him see his DS, he paid a lot of money, went to court,they weren't interested because they weren't married
My DS,met someone from abroad, she got pregnant, wanted to get married,he married her, she told him various (untrue) stories about her home life,burnt her passport, because she wanted to stay here. Oddly enough,both mothers, obtained passports for the kids and moved abroad.

Unfortunately I have and in both cases the women were very open about the fact that they made it happen. Both were late 30's.

There are a good few threads on Mumsnets where women are considering not telling men that they are pregnant with their child.

Yes, two. One has contact with his son 30 years later (sought out by his son), who has been told and absolute pack of lies. Two out of three of his siblings have gone NC with their mother for very similar reasons. The others daughter has just turned 22 and I’m quite sure the same will happen there. Some women are scum just as much as some men. Courts nearly always favour the mother still.

Or maybe the mothers are just really good liars?

Yes i know of two ,one of them was very much controlled by her dominant mother who also held the purse strings.
Both of the fathers could have done more to maintain contact but equally i can understand to some degree how having obstacle after obstacle put in your way combined with living quite a distance away from kids you barely know ends up with the unsatisfactory situation of both parties becoming strangers to each other and sadly making lives where you can actually live and function without the 'need 'for each other .
The one with the mother problem is a mature medical professional who lost my respect many years ago, i have little respect for either of them really ,i don't see them and the 2 fathers i have no idea where they are ,it's the kids that matter obviously and it's sad.