Have you ever met a mum who genuinely didn't let their kids' dad see the kids for no good reason?

[TERFCat]

Obviously, this is a tired trope regularly thrown at single mothers by dads and their families who just can't be arsed. Most times I've heard it, I've known for a fact that it's false.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, who introduced his brother as a poor guy who wasn't allowed to see his kids. The story was full of holes, and I ditched the date soon after. It got me thinking though, a lot of people would surely have taken that tale at face value and slagged off a woman they'd never even met. It's just acceptable misogyny.

Anyway, it got me thinking, has anyone ever actually known a woman in real life who has stopped their ex from seeing their kids?

Yes I know a couple of women who have restricted the amount of time the dad can see the children. Both of these dads are very good dads and there is no reason or justification for the women doing it. One purely due to wanting more maintenance money so won’t allow 50/50 so is being taken to court. Another who does it purely to spite her ex. It’s disgusting.

There are also absolutely fathers who make it difficult for children to see their mother and/or attempt to poison their minds against her.
It's not about gender of the alienating parent; it's about using kids unfairly as pawns, punishment and revenge.
It's horrific and unacceptable.

I haven't.

It always surprises me on these threads how many people know the detailed ins and outs of so many peoples lives to know for certain multiple people where this has happened to. Most of the situations are just gossip and hearsay, often 3rd hand information

I met a man recently (complete stranger) who in the same story claimed he hadn't been allowed to see his kids for no reason, whilst simultaneously admitting he'd gone round 'in a moment of weakness' and beaten up her partner in front of the children. And he genuinely thought she was evil and couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed access to his children. I think how many people has he told that story to and ommited the violence part, how many people has he convinced his wife was a psycho. And the violence was admitted so casually, to a complete stranger.

I once was at a party where a woman was bragging about it. She was jealous of her ex's partner and didn't want her kids to like her so stopped them from seeing him. Not sure if/how it was resolved.

I am sure it does happen, but in the vast majority of cases there will be a reason. Evidence suggests that family courts still favour men, even when women have accused those men of violence.

@AliceCallous Are you a mum apart from her children?

I dont, no.
My x would say this about me, but I didn't block him my kids didn't block him, he never emails them either, he knows where we live... he on the other hand moved house without giving the kids his new address. But in his head, I prevented him from having a relationship with kids.

The psychology behind this very common delusion is baffling.

Yes, my mother.

She didn't believe in sharing any property, not a pencil, not a mug, not a packet of biscuits, not a child. And he might have realised I was being neglected and abused. She succeeded in the lies, getting others to lie, hiding information, convincing people that it was all because she couldn't bear for me to be away from her for a minute - completely successfully in the end, as by the time I found out the truth, he'd died.

The only thing she would never know was that he was dead. I wouldn't want her to have that moment of absolute joy and victory.

Two. One being my own sister and another being a fairly good friend of mine. Both very bitter about the relationship breakdowns and both who firmly believe the mother is the only important parent. It baffles my mind. I’ve been distancing myself from my sister and she spouted at DH that his XW should have all birthdays, Easter and Christmas with their children rather than shared because “she is the mother and that’s what matters”. We were raised the same so it’s surprising to me. She actively has stopped her ex from seeing his son and they’ve been to court numerous times costing in the six figures for her to lose each time because she’s unreasonable. Each time it just stops her ex from seeing their son and puts a strain on everything. No idea why she does it other than to be difficult.

None at all.

Same. I definitely have sadly.

Yep my mum.

My parents divorced.

Didnt let my dad see us as soon as he had a girlfriend 5 years later and went as far as lying to the court and saying that my dad and his girlfriend were abusing her. It was all a lie and she sees it as something she had to do because she didn’t want another woman raising us. They were given a restraining order and lost custody.

He was a good dad. Met up with him later in adulthood. Nothing wrong with him.

It happens a lot!

Not me, but my mum worked for a form of solicitors and there were women who did this who would take up a lot of their time. Of course, there were far more men who behaved like a-holes towards their ex-wives and DC but it certainly wasn’t unheard of for women to behave v badly and prevent perfectly decent ex husbands from seeing their children - who in turn wanted to see their dads.

I know of one. My best friend's stepdad growing up - his wife refused to let him see his kids. He tried so hard to see them and was continually devastated by it. One of his kids actually got back in touch in adulthood because they'd fallen out with the mum - but only one out of two.

I don’t know any cases where this has happened but know lots of cases where mums tirelessly encourage reluctant DC to see their dad, facilitate him in lots of ways, have to make excuses when he doesn’t turn up etc etc. I myself used to provide dc with food to see his dad 🙈🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️. Thankfully he has stepped up somewhat since those days but I seriously carried him initially so he couldn’t claim I pretended him from seeing dc. I’m sure he had told a different story at times though!

Let’s be honest from both sides it depends who’s story you believe or who’s side of the family you are on. Everyone on here giving their examples, how do you know that’s really true?

My best friends ex nothing to do with their 2 kids by choice but he plays the doting dad to everyone else and my friend gets nothing but abuse from his family. Maybe that’s me being bias because I only know what my friends telling me? Who knows

Well, for me, the 'Oh, of course he wanted to see you, he kept on turning up at the house asking for years, even crying once, ha ha ha, but I told him that you were nothing to do with him, you were MINE' was a bit of a clue. As was 'I didn't tell you his name because you'd have gone and tried to find him. Your brother wanted to tell you after his father died and said that you should know yours, but I said I'd throw him onto the street if he ever said a word to you about him because you were MINE, ha ha ha'.

As a teacher I have seen both parents weaponise the kids. It's so sad.

Yes I can truly believe this happens, my ex has tried to stop contact between me and my eldest child (we also have other children together). He won't tell me where they live, refuses to let him tell me what he's been upto (e.g if I text asking how his weeks been and what he's been upto or what his plans are for next week to arrange seeing him) or know anything that's been going on with his life. He took him on holiday twice and I was unaware until school rang. I see him perhaps once a month and that's with me begging him to come round. It's absolutely destroyed me.

Before this when he lived with me we had a good relationship and it was strained with his dad, I stupidly encouraged him to see his dad when he didn't really want to (his dad sees the other kids only once or twice a month for a few hours so never has really bothered making time or effort with them it just keeps reducing) and tbh i wish I hadn't bothered.

Unfortunately ex has now offered him his unconditional time and money to go and live there and is emotionally manipulating him to cut me out. I am sure he is making me out to be some kind of stalker/ causing arguements/aggressive (completely deflecting from himself) from what I can gather which is not the case at all, he seems to have rewritten everything that's happened and my biggest mistake was sugar coating the fact he had an affair and left as now he believes the rubbish ex spouts about me. I could fill the whole thread with what a vile person he is (not just to me but seemingly to his kids as he can't seem to separate between us) even his own mum is no longer speaking to him.

DP's ex would try it for a bit and would sometimes even pay the kids to not see their Dad. The trouble was she could never keep it up and would inevitably disappear on some sort of bender. We kept an open door and DP has a great adult relationship with his kids.

Yep more than one

Yes. My friend growing up. The mum found him leaving her such a personal slight against her, that she was hysterical/ depressed if they saw/spoke to their Dad. So they stopped. They essentially became the parent as young teens. I know neither would speak to the dad while she is alive, as they know it would send her into a total depression spiral. He really didn't do much wrong, apart from leave a marriage he was unhappy with - 25+ years ago.

Yes a couple.

Usually it’s because the man has moved on and they’re jealous, or they’ve moved on and want the new man to play daddy.

But 99% of the time it’s the other way around.

Most parents wouldn’t choose not to have any support or a break from their child.

I must admit that men claiming this is a red flag to me, along with the "psycho narcissist ex wife" trope. I don't know of any genuine cases. In real life it seems hard to stop a genuinely devoted dad nowadays. I remember reading a really moving account of a MN mum whose ex had been unjustly given RP and who stopped her seeing her children. She had one hour a week scheduled contact with them, to pick up from his house. She would drive there every week and he wouldn't answer the door. She would sit on his front door step and ring the police. She did this every single time. She was going through court at the same time and eventually won, I think she got 50:50 but can't remember the exact arrangement. I think of her every time a man says his ex stopped him seeing his kids. Did he do everything? Go to court, sit on the porch every week, call the police? To literally have no court order contact at all, the man has to either not have gone to court, or have gone to court but have the court believe that the man is abusive. I feel bad for any man whose ex has lied about abuse, but I really don't think it's that common.

A lot of the time, you have mums who perhaps don't encourage, don't facilitate or perhaps even discourage a relationship with the dad. The dads are so useless and used to the ex doing everything that they don't fight. I think in these cases the dads are to blame too.

What would these men do if someone stole their car or all their money? They would go to court! Yet when a woman says "you can't come in, DC are mine" they just... Walk away? Those are your children, if you care about them, go to court.