Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

[nb2023]

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

Safeguarding risk in what way? It’s not an arrangement I would do but there are plenty of children who live with relatives due to circumstances.

No, I wouldn't call this a safeguarding risk and I think it's a slightly ridiculous suggestion when you've not even met this man and therefore have no actual specific concerns around him.

It's unusual, for a child to spend each weekend away from their parents and it's not something I'd want. But not from a safeguarding point of view.

I wouldn't do it.

I can't see the problem. Do you think he would hurt her?

I would have liked to do things with my grandad (maybe not whole weekends) when I was younger but hardly knew him.

I mean leaving your child with anyone is a risk even leaving them with their dad. Is there anything other than the fact he is male that makes you concerned? Grandparents can play an important role in children's lives especially when parental care is lacking.

So a grandfather who enjoys spending time with his grand-daughter must be a paedophile? Is that it?

It sounds like you are insinuating there could be a risk of abuse. That actually wouldn't be my first concern. I spent 5 days a week with my grandparents including some weekend overnights and even after my granny passed, I would still spend time there with my grandad. There was no abuse going on. Just very involved grandparents.

But what I would be concerned about is a 3 year old being alone for 48 hours with someone who is older and realistically has a greater chance of having a medical emergency than a younger parent would. A 3 year old isn't old enough to call for help or care for themselves for several days in the event of an emergency.

Beyond that, it's worrying simply because what parent just wanted to drop their toddler off with a family member every weekend when they could be spending time with them. Because they have to work and have no childcare, that's understandable. As a one-off, now and again, because they have a close bond, also totally fine. But every weekend means she's missing out on a lot of quality time with her parents. What are they doing on the weekends if not parenting?

Are you serious? Do you have a reason for thinking this? My DH adores his grandchildren and if he wasn't allowed to look after them alone because he wasn't trusted he'd be devastated. As would I if I wasn't allowed to for 'safeguarding' reasons.

What has this man done that you think he can't look after his granddaughter?

Like I said, I'm prepared to be told that I'm unreasonable, but I just feel uneasy about the setup.

Maybe it's because I've heard horror stories where there was a negative outcome for children in these situations.

I know it's none of my business to say anything to my sister.

It's true that I leave my children alone with their father, but we're generally in the same house.

They don't work weekends, just during the week.

I'm not sure to be honest as I live further away.

I think my sister uses the time to clean her apartment and also some leisure time for herself like going swimming.

If you've never even met him and know nothing about him it does seem unreasonable. I'd have more of an issue with my sister if she was sending her small child somewhere else every weekend rather than the person who is looking after them. Why is she doing that? It's very strange.

I wouldn’t assume there’s any reason to be concerned about the grandfather but I do find it bloody weird that her father dumps her on him during what’s supposed to be his time with his daughter.

I find it unusual that a man who lives alone ( aged 50s? 60s ? Could be as young as late 40s) would want to have total responsibility for a baby, now a toddler, every weekend. An older child who may share interests, gardening, car repairing, woodwork, playing or watching a sport then maybe but it wouldn’t sit well with me OP unless I knew the man really well. And why would your sister not want her child with her at weekends?

I would think the child was very lucky to have a grandad who cared about her and wants to spend time with her. He sounds lovely not worrying.

This would cause alarm bells for me. Whether that's right or wrong I don't care. I think her parents are neglectful, at the very least.

But when does this child see her father? Why isn't she spending weekends with him, if she lives with her mother and her mother's partner and half-sister all week?

In a schools context safeguarding means protecting children from abuse.

Abuse can be sexual, physical, emotional or through neglect.

If you don't know anything about this person it does read a bit like you think he might abuse a child simply because he is a man, which is obviously unreasonable.

Do you have any other reason to think that the child is being abused?

What's wrong with spending time with her grandad ? I loved mine so much and spent as much time as I possibly could with him, sadly he died when I was 7 & I still miss him. There wasn't anything untoward or ick about it either we just enjoyed each others company, my grandparents had the interest & time for me that my parents didn't have as they were both working full time. It was so nice as a child to have that.

He may not want it like that but may just have accepted it to see his grandchild.

I know men - mainly grandfathers and cousins - who baby sit children on their own but not for such long periods. However they tend to wait until the child is potty trained and can speak.

This is so they don't have to deal with people like the OP.

That's taking man hating to a whole new level.
Grandad sound like a lovely man and would be devastated to learn that someone has such a sordid mind that they would seek to sully his relationship with his granddaughter.

You are not superior to the parents of the child who unless mentally deficient are happy with the relationship and time their child spends with their doting grandfather.

I hope they never find out your nasty thoughts.

It’s odd that her dad is dropping her there without fail every weekend, is there a reason for it.
I would say his seeming lack of interest is the concern, not necessarily the grandad.

I think it would alarm me more that my sister ships her child off every weekend when presumably she's still together with the child father? Surely she's not swimming and cleaning all weekend?

My only concern is that the parents work all week but NEVER spend the weekends with their 3 year old daughter.

Why is it a safeguarding risk? Would you feel it was a safeguarding risk if it was her grandmother? Unless you have any reason to suspect abuse I think your comments are unfair.

But having said that I do think it's odd that her parents don't want to spend any time with their child at the weekends and it's unfair on the grandfather to be providing childcare every single weekend.

I'd be more concerned about the siblings being split up every weekend. where does the older DC go?