Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

[nb2023]

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

My dd stayed at her grandparents every weekend at that age but only on a Friday night. She was a terrible sleeper and I would look forward to that guaranteed nights sleep all week! However the whole weekend is alot. I would talk to your sister about it but not from a safeguarding perspective. Is Grandad offering? Is she asking him and putting him under pressure?

Men can't win. If they don't do any childcare, they're called lazy misogynists. And when they do childcare, they're called paedos.

I think these parents should spend more time with her. Selfish and neglectful. You would think 24 hours each weekend would be sufficient e.g. Fri eve to Sat eve. That way housework can be caught up with plus ideally swimming. Or the mum could be less selfish and go swimming one evening a week. Her partner can babysit the children while she is swimming. Parents do not want to make enough sacrifices and adjustments these days of you ask me.

Lots of families have different dynamics and make up.

Is the child loved, safe, cared for with good attachments and bonds with parents and grandparent?

That is what matters. Everything else is just MN froth.

Unfortunately evidence shows that a biological relationship does not automatically preclude sexual abuse.

It worries me that there is apparently, uncommonly, such paltry supervision of the time this grandfather and granddaughter spend together.

Men in general have proven themselves to be a 'heightened' predatory threat to children, so given the epidemic of child sexual abuse, what would you say is an appropriate safeguarding response?

I have contributed several posts to this thread and I think they add up to a valid and measured response to OP's concern.

So you wouldn't go away over night or spend a day shopping leaving them with dad? Why?

@Augustus40 her partner would be parenting his DD not babysitting

FGS - all those going on about ‘I’d leave my DC’s with male relations’… you’re missing the point!

Would you single ONE of your DC’s out for banishment from the household each and every weekend for the whole weekend? So you never got to spend downtime with them? So that they grow up with a totally different dynamic / upbringing to their sibling? So that they grow up feeling singled-out, treated-differently, and effectively exiled?
Would you choose one of your DC’s to spend all of their downtime spent 1:1 with a middle-aged/older man, and the other DC to get to spend it at home, in their own bed, with their parents and play-mates around them??

FGS, those who can’t see this as awful are either willfully missing the point, or thick as mince.

I think this is my cue to leave this bloody website after 12 years - it’s rotting my mind reading such bollocks.

So they don't parent....that would worry me as it's withdrawing from the child emotionally. Did they want a child?

The 3 year old is the new partners child

So presumably your niece was originally spending the weekends with her grandfather and great grandmother, until GGM died? It seems odd that your sister and her partner want to spend every weekend with both children being looked after by grandparents and never do anything as a family together but I wouldn't be suspicious of a man simply because he's a man. You don't have concerns about your mother providing childcare for your nephew.

Yes but the 3 yo is also being farmed out to grandad and that's the child under discussion. The 8 yo goes to his Dad and the 3 yo to her Gramps

Are they based in the UK?

Being male is not a safe guarding concern on it's own - it's just not.

Not every man is an abuser - despite fact bulk of them are male.

We have male nursery workers. MW, doctors and teachers - we don't deny access to young children to all men.

Do I not think Op is wrong to be concerned - but I think the parents behaviour is concerning - I'd worry extended family is trying to hide or prop up some failing parenting or underlying problem like drugs - but that's because it's so much time away from parents for a young child.

This could just be a grandfather deeply concerned about how a young child is being parented and feeling like he has to step in (similar to OP mother with son) - he could be the stabilising influence -OP needs to get more information or keeping questioning with her mother to see if she has any concerns not jump to man young child only reason is abuse because frankly she more likely to get listen to rather than dismissed.

Yes but the 3 yo is also being farmed out to grandad and that's the child under discussion. The 8 yo goes to his Dad and the 3 yo to her Gramps

Op update say ex -d ad of 8 year old isn't around and 8 year old goes to GM - op mother -as much as 3 year old goes to paternal GF.

Yes this. I think it's really sad that all men are now under suspicion like this. Unless you have spent a lot of time with this man and have concerns about his intentions then please MYOB. If it's just because he is male then YABU.

I missed that update but the point is it's the 3 yo that's under discussion, not the 8 yo

Sounds like they CBA parenting weekends so are dumping them where someone will take them. He may be doing it so he can sexually abuse her, he might be trying to help out after his son has laid it on about how they need a break

They 8 year old isn't with the parents - or the ex - of having family time. They are with GM - OP mother.

The children are spending weekends and some evening with a GP - GM for DS and GF for 3 year old.

So parents are child free every weekend - that what I think is odd.

It's true that I leave my children alone with their father, but we're generally in the same house

Wow so basically you don't trust any men to be alone around children. What a depressing (& very unfair) attitude to have

My Dad adored his grand daughters it would have broken his heart if anyone had suggested anything inappropriate

I think your attitude towards both grandfather's looking after children is quite abnormal and says more about you than them

This. The grandfather is not the problem. The children are not having any family time with parents on weekends, that is the problem. Unfortunately nothing you can do about it.

I think it's actually fairly horrible of you to think a stranger is a paedophile just because he's a man and has a close relationship with his granddaughter. My DD has been very close to her grandad since she was born, and has spent time alone with him since then. Not to the degree you're talking about, but I honestly don't see any red flags in what you've said.

True.

I think OP isn't worried about 8 year old because it's her Mum who has him and she knows her (and she is female)- and she never met the GF and has no idea what his motivations are.

Disgusting twat really?! Children are abused every day of the week. This isn't new information. Children are most likely to be abused by a male family member. Let reserve calling people "disgusting twats" to the child abusers yeah?

If you think that you can't even trust your own children's father alone with them, you've got bigger problems that worrying about a child having a normal, healthy relationship with her grandfather.

Yeah this. I’m all for parents taking time for themselves but every single weekend, Friday to Sunday is taking the piss.