Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

[nb2023]

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

It's true that I leave my children alone with their father, but we're generally in the same house.

I find this slightly odd to add the "but.." - do you avoid leaving your children alone in the house with their father?

I thought the same

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Don't be such a disgusting twat. No one normal would agree that a grandad spending time with his grandaughter was a 'risk'. Are you on glue?

Your sister on the other hand sounds like she can't be arsed to parent. I bet grandad is knackered!

She’s not with the child’s father, he’s her ex so he takes his daughter each weekend

Why can’t you say what it is that’s worrying you rather than skirting around it?
Why do you believe that your niece needs safeguarding?
Is there a massive chunk of info missing?

Is it man= pedophile?

Your so ridiculously ludicrous. I was a grandads little girl and I did similar and adored every minute and all that we did right up till being a late teen and getting my own pad. He moved in with us 2 years ago because he couldn't manage alone anymore and sadly passed last month and left the biggest hole ever. I have no walking buddy,chat buddy, best friend anymore

Only he seems not to, if the sister's current partner drops the child off to her paternal grandfather's. Is the idea that she is supposed to see her father there, as it's the house of his father?

She is with the child's father. It's her 8 year old who the child with her ex. I can't imagine why a couple aren't spending any weekends with their small child?

Maybe the word "safeguarding risk" is too strong and inappropriate and wrong in this context, but I generally feel distrustful of men who volunteer to look after a child ALONE every single weekend. A toddler, not an older child.

Maybe it's also because I have heard really negative stories (my best friend was molested by the 20 year son of a neighbour, who provided childcare and my mother was also molested by a male relative - it was also a childcare arrangement).

Writing this, I think I should have put a trigger warning on my post.

As to some of the questions regarding my sister and her partner:

I don't think they are not interested and don't love their daughter.

I think they are just overwhelmed sometimes like a lot of parents with small children and use the weekend to relax and do other things.

I thought the same. Very strange if so and will possibly impact on the children on the future.

YABVU to judge a situation when you don’t even know the grandparent. That could be why you feel uneasy on it but you can’t just speculate and make assumptions when you’ve never met the guy, don’t know what they do with their weekends or haven’t heard anything really to be concerned about.
my father used to love having my DD from a very young age every Saturday (whilst I worked), he was a devoted grandfather enjoying his time with his granddaughter and if anyone had made assumptions like you have with your family I’d be very upset

My Dad was my childminder when they were little. It was wonderfully unconventional in his methods, but he kept them safe, they learned loads from him and now, as adults still have a close bond.

If you'd seen them together and had concerns that would be one thing, but to be worried when you fldont even know him?

Is he stepping up where his son doesn't, to be a father figure? Why doesn't the boy go?

Just an anecdote but my teenaged DD gets on better with my father than anyone else alive has EVER done. They’re spookily similar in terms of personality, have the same interests and she seems much more cut from the same cloth as him than anyone else in the family. They’re both quite robust and while he can be a ball-ache of a person his manner doesn’t bother her one bit. She rolls her eyes and takes the piss and I think he met his match, to be honest, and though he’d never say so, he sees in her the chance to be the person he would maybe have wanted to be to his own kids if he hadn’t been such an authoritarian presence. She also likes all the outdoorsy, chop down the branches and climb up the ladder practical stuff I hated and in having her in his life he’s a different man to how he was when I was little (he’s learned a bit of patience and let and let live). They’ve been like that since she was old enough to toddle beside him grabbing pliers out of his hands and saying ‘me do it’ - it’s really nice to see, and I’m glad they’ve got one another for the time that’s left to him.

I once read grandparents often have more to offer their grandkids than their children because of the cyclical way society changes.

As to the little niece, I don’t find it at all suspicious, if DGF was DGM no-one would even think to wonder. Spending all weekend every weekend away from her parents is a separate issue and I dunno if I’d want that but if they’re all content, what’s your issue? I suppose Grandparents used to raise grandkids back in the day if there were big families/financial pressures, and no harm done. Family is family, providing there’s nothing funny going on, and him being a man doesn’t automatically mean there must be, far from it.

I think it’s far from ideal that this young child hasn’t spent a weekend with her parents / sibling since she was tiny. Very odd, and likely to create all sorts of issues when older.

I loved being with my 60-something grandfather as a little girl, he spoiled me and took me to wonderful places and he was loving which was more than my actual father could manage. It saddens me that older men who love spending time with their grandchildren are seen in this way. I get it - but it saddens me.

I generally feel distrustful of men who volunteer to look after a child ALONE every single weekend.

From your OP it sounds like this arrangement started before his wife died? And now he's widowed and lives alone? And you can't see why he might enjoy this time?

I think they are just overwhelmed sometimes like a lot of parents with small children

Maybe he wants to help?

And does he even volunteer for this? There are often threads from grandparents who don't know how to say no to childcare. Maybe he feels slightly put upon but doesn't know how to end a long standing arrangement.

I don't see why you'd assume, without knowing him, that there is a nefarious motivation on his part.

I'm very distrustful of people around my DS but even I think YABU.

I loved spending time with both my grandfather's as a very young child. It wasn't that frequently, but I think both of them would have done it if they'd thought the family unit needed the support, as my dad would.

If there's a concern, I'd say it's more about how your sister is coping than the conduct of grandad.

I'd be concerned about how it affects the attachment between niece and the rest of the family.. obviously mother but also sibling too.

Can you have a light hearted curious char to your sister about it. Just a simple "whats it like not seeing DD for a weekend?"

I hear your concern OP. Before I had my children I used to work as a PA to a district director of social work and had to minute CSA meetings and keep the At Risk register. Grandfathers featured quite heavily.

My daughter and my dad were two peas in a pod and are very close now that she's had her own children. I would never have left her overnight with just him!

Was that paranoia?! Quite possibly but I'd rather be paranoid than the other alternative.

That's not how I read it:

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

Wait so, this child never gets to spent a weekend with her whole family? That’s horrible.

There is a lot of blasé nonchalance on this thread written by people who literally have no idea of what is actually happening within this family.

Yes, of course the child could be at risk spending every weekend alone with a man. This does not mean he is a paedophile who is abusing her but he could be.

We know that 1 in 9 girls experience sexual abuse. We know that a high percentage of men anonymously admit they would sexually abuse children if they thought they could get away with it.

If this man lived with his mother until well into adulthood, there is reason to suppose that he might be sexually dysfunctional.

There is no reason at all to be so adamant that this grandfather is innocent and this girl is in a safe place.

Obviously one would need much more information before making accusations or taking action. But it is always good and desirable where children are concerned to be mindful of the possibility of exploitation and harm, and to behave accordingly.

The data shows that 98% of sexual offences are committed by men.

And you have obviously heard some horror stories of these events.

It really is unreasonable though to assume that a man who has contact with small children is likely to be doing so in order to sexually or otherwise assault them.

It's the kind of prejudice that means men are reluctant to work in childcare or other caring professions.

If you have any evidence or even just hunches beyond "he's a man" then that would be different.

Can you think of any reasons why you feel this way? Anything he has said that sounds "off"?

The 8 year olds father is her ex husband and the 3 year old she shares with current partner….. which is exactly what you wrote so I’m not sure how you’ve read it to read she’s still with the child’s father?