Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

[nb2023]

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

It IS weird. Having children for one day is different from the whole weekend. Friday to Sunday.
These children spend no time with their parents.
It is really REALLY screwed up.
Poor kids.

I was sexually abused by my grandfather up until he died when I was 5 so I would also share your concerns op. My children will never stay over at anybodies house until teens

Of course, you've heard horror stories, they are screamed from the headlines. What you don't hear about is the hundreds of thousands of perfectly normal grandparents/uncles/etc who simply love their young relatives and find their company delightful. AND THIS, not the horror stories, is the norm. Don't be like the person who reads about an airline crash and decides that ALL planes are going to crash.

Unless you know this man, and have reason to suspect him of something unsavory, leave it alone. "He's a male relative" is not reason enough. I'm a bit surprised to hear you say that you leave your children with their father, but you are generally in the same house. Do you not trust him? If that's the case, then you might want to talk with someone about this fear. It can become debilitating over time.

It sounds like she can’t be bothered with her 3 year old child. Even if someone had to work, you would drop off and pick up your child. I’d be looking more at your sisters parenting rather than an innocent man who’s just helping out, and likely lonely.

@LauderSyme so it's guilty until proven innocent is it? I say again threads like this are really dangerous and lead to serious unlawful harassment. You are encouraging paedo hunters and vigilantism. In fact, I'm calling it out as being harmful to genuine safeguarding efforts.

Typical MN response 🙄

My 6 year old daughter goes to stay with my ex for weekends, whole weeks in the school holidays. Has done since she was about 3. He's 62 now. (I'm 46)

For context he's my 17 year old son's father and actually walked me down the aisle when I married DD dad 8 years ago (we do blended family very well!)

My DD and my ex are literally partners in crime, they love spending time together and she gets the benefit of having a "grandparent" in her life where she doesn't have any other older figures in her life to fulfil that role.

He's got the patience of a saint with her, he's retired, he takes her to museums etc and teaches her stuff I wouldn't even think of! (She's now obsessed with Easter Island since seeing a statue at the British Museum!)

Difference in this situation is I've known my ex 25 odd years. But it's unreasonable to jump straight into "their must be something sinister going on" if you don't know the entire family dynamic.

@MyTherapistSaidImAnAdult Does your DD go every weekend?
Do you never have a full day with her?

What does DD’s dad feel about this? Is he a hands on dad @MyTherapistSaidImAnAdult

I think like most I can only comment on personal experience. My half sisters grandad (not mine) was by all accounts a great grandfather. Spent time with them,
bought them presents, took them out, and they all went on holiday together: Turns out he was abusing them both the whole time. So yes, if your Spidey sense is tingling, do something about it

So your nephew spending lots of time with his grandmother isn't concerning but your niece spending lots of time with her grandfather is concerning.

What's the difference?

Is it because he's a man?

From all the info, the most concerning thing seems to be why a mother doesn't want to spend time with her children.

I'd be speaking to my sister to see what the issue is and if I could help her. Could she be depressed? Parental burnout? If her son is hard work, maybe it had a knock on effect and she hasn't bonded properly with her daughter.

Not wanting to spend any time with your children is an issue and you should maybe think about talking to your sister about this first.

Fuck sakes the poor man lost his wife a year ago and is probably loving the company of his grandchild at the weekends.

It was his mother not his wife.
But its still not a reason for the child to be used as therapy pet and to miss out completely on all quality time with her own parents.

Something is a miss here.
Its not just spending time with the grandfather its the amount of time to the detriment of her relationship with her parents.

There is a massive question WHY?
Is he pushing it, or is there MH issues with the parents. I don't know how people can brush over it.

Why aren't people reading the thread correctly!!!

We'll soon be suggesting that no grandad or uncle should look after children.

Who knows why the child spends so much time with grandad, supply your own narrative and that'll do. No proof required.

Spending time with a loving grandfather, I have no problem with that.

Spending all week every weekend, unless both parents are working weekends, I think that’s just plain weird.

I would not automatically assume abuse, but it seems a bloody odd arrangement to me.

Well I wouldn’t leave my child with someone I didn’t know…. But presumably your sister knows this man??

@Janniss543
I'm sorry for what happened to you.

Reading this thread, I'm reminded of the recollections of Buffy Saint-Marie, she spoke on BBC World Service last year about her early life (she is a 1st Nation Canadian who was adopted) and she recalled abuse she suffered while very young, and she spoke of her sadness when realising that many youngsters just cannot vocalise what is happening, just as in her case. Chilling.

How is it a safeguarding risk? Men can look after and do look after children. Your judgement is so skewed. Unless you have proof of abuse or he has a criminal record that would make him unsuitable to care for a minor.

For me I think it's totally weird to be the mother of two young children and to send them off to spend every weekend with other members of the family!

That is not totally normal. If you want weekends to yourself, why bother to have children at all?

Yes, it seems unusual for a 3 year old to spend every weekend with his grandfather. I appreciate that grandparents can and do play an active part in their grandchildren's lives but this dies seem extreme. The 3 year old should surely be spending some weekends with her parents and older brother. That said, I know from experience that some things are best left unsaid!

Why would you assume something is going on, just because he's a man? I do shopping for an old man in my flats. It puts me out as he expects it when I have other things to do, and he moans a lot, but do it as he has nobody else. Although I get worried that I could get accused of things.

I agree. Occasionally I would understand but not every weekend.

If the little girl seems happy and is not reluctant to go to her granddad, I don't think there is anything to worry about, op. Little kids will hang back, cry and say, "No no", if they don't want to go somewhere.