Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

[nb2023]

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

Safeguarding risk? 😳 Because he's a man? 😳

Don't me a muppet.

Grandparents can totally adore their grandchildren.

His mother, who he lived with, died a year ago. His greatest source of joy is his granddaughter visiting every weekend.

My dad was totally besotted with my eldest daughter. Looked after her almost every week overnight for 1 night.

Not all people are perverts.

Maybe it is, or maybe it isn't, but I was one of 4 siblings, sharing a bedroom with my dsis and we didnt get on growning up. I had my own bedroom at my grandparents house and didn't have to share with anyone. I was diagnosed as ND as an adult and have always preferred my own company anyway.

However, that wasn't my point. My point was that I spent a LOT of time growing up with my grandparents, inc alone and for long periods of time. I will admit that I skimmed the OP and haven't seen the age of the child & haven't seen any updates as to why the OP had concerns

A girl going to her grandads is a safeguarding risk? Isn’t that a massive jump to conclusion? Whilst it is odd your sister doesn’t spend any weekends with her daughter I can’t see why it would be a safeguarding concern without any other history.

As several people have pointed out it’s your sister’s attitude that would concern me most. Your nephew seems to prefer spending time with his grandma and she has been sending her daughter away every weekend since she was 1. You say this is so she can clean, go swimming, have outings with her partner? Every weekend ? Perhaps grandfather can see your nieces parents are not that interested in her and feel she needs more security and attention which is why he is giving up his time to look after her. My cousin had MH issues which meant she could not parent her child properly so my ( single) uncle stepped in and had his grandchild five days a week so she would not end up neglected or in care. Rather than assuming he is abusing her perhaps someone needs to find out why your sister is getting your mum and his grandad to do so much childcare.

It’s really a sad reflection on the world we live in today that you would have these thoughts with no evidence that there is any issue, agreed it may not be everyone’s ideal but grandparents do look after grandchildren, it may be something he really enjoys

I know thanks, I worked that out about 8 hours ago with help of other posters

You’ve got some issues of your own if you think that’s a problem.

My toddler goes to her grandparents most Saturdays, as do her cousins. Sometimes parents stay there too, sometimes they don't. Her grandparents on that side are older and it's about her having that time and memories of at least a loving, happy time with them.

If we don't stay, we use the time to spend with each other, get things done round the house that are hard to do with a small child about or just chill (sometimes it's been a LONG week with work and whatnot).

It's only something to be concerned about if you have actual concerns about the person. Some families are close and like spending time together.

Would be interested to know your backstory?! Why didn’t you want to live with your own parents

@Myotherrideisabroom to not want to live at your parents/family home as a child would pretty much signify an issue with your family.

Which is why many of us are concerned why the parents offload both children to grandparents every weekend. It is not normal. Would raise concerns with me, but not possibly the same concerns that OP has.

This

I don't understand how your sister wants to get rid of her daughter every weekend to do jobs and relax it's not normal; from my pov it's very selfish and borderline neglect, when you have children you look after them. I am not suggesting anything inappropriate as l don't know the person,.letting the GF look after her occasionally is ok but not every weekend

Do you also consider your mum a safeguarding risk? Because if your criteria is a grandparent regularly having their grandchild for the weekend then your mum must be just as dangerous.

Maybe granddad has stepped in because your sister and her partner are clearly useless parents who don't want much to do with their kids. He's stopping this little girl from being neglected and you accuse him of being a paedophile. If you are that concerned perhaps you should start taking your niece every weekend.

No backstory really - I idolised my grandparents and they me. The death of my grandma absolutely killed me, and I sort of remember not wanting my grandad to 'be alone' - so to speak.

Growing up, I didn't get on with my Dsis. We shared a room etc and I just preferred my own space. I had that at my grandparents as I always had my own bedroom etc. Was diagnosed as Autistic and adhd as 38 year old adult and Dsis is currently going through her own diagnosis process. It was possibly just a difference of personality growing up causing friction.

FWIW - I get on fantastic with my parents and siblings now, my own children have spent many nights and weekends with my parents and grandparents and my own parents provided my childcare whilst I worked full time.

The question that strikes me are that your sister is a shit mother who outsources her daughter every weekend instead of being with her and works the rest of the time?? She doesn't deserve to have a child, grandparent time should not overdo parenting

I'm sorry, I've only read to the end of page one & thus precluding any sudden horror-drip, would like to add my own concise & positive testament to my Grandad.
I stayed with him from tiny years - before 2 - & built the most important relationship, a strong male figure to counteract the 2 toxic men- father & stepfather - at home. He was shelter in a storm, football companion, education-advocate, loyal, generous & funny.
I miss him still, was lucky to have his guiding, paternal, friendship til I was 36 & he'd met his 1st grand-daughter (my PFB!)
This is a sad fear borne of the times we live in: lonely males are a News of the World bogeyman.
With only a generalised suspicion of men to go on, you would deprive your niece & her grandad of a priceless beneficial mutual family bond.
I'll read on now, but needed to speak as my grandad was my greatest supporter & is missed forever.

Grandparents are generally universally adored, there is something about a grandad especially we find comforting and we just love. I miss mine terribly and I have met many wonderful men who are grandfather's who would do anything to protect their grandchildren.

But sadly, not everyone is blessed with that granddad and statistically most csa happens by a relative. Its also very common in local news reports that grandfather's are being found with child sexual abuse images or historic abuse has come to light. I think @LauderSyme nailed it.

I didn't have my granddad for long enough but he was from my memory a wonderful soul. A very good pal of mine had a grandpa who everyone thought was wonderful but he raped her aged 9 alongside a few cousins and they were told when they spoke up to just ignore grandad, he just does those things. Another friend experienced abuse at the hands of 2 grandfather's, (one step) married to the same grandma.

I think it's unwise to presume all grandfather's are like the ones you think of fondly, predators can look gentle and kind, whilst being terrifyingly evil.

I wish we lived in a world that grandads, uncles, even dad's could be active in children's lives and not treated with concern or suspicion but we must protect children and stay vigilant about everyone to an extent. Children come before anyone or anything else and their safety is all our priority. If that means we must never trust motives without any err of caution, then sad as it is, we do it.

98% of paedophiles are male

1 in 20 children are sexually abused

The mother is a safeguarding risk - she is not looking after her own kids and predators will exploit her willingness to offload them

If more people were like the OP less children would suffer

edit - sorry meant to quote DaniMontyRae who* *asked why the grandmother wasn’t also under suspicion

Cobblers. It's not that grandad gets a free pass because we all wear rose tinted glasses. It's the total lack of any evidence of wrongdoing or any legitimate basis to insinuate unlawful sexual motives. We do not live in East Germany reporting our neighbours to the Stasi because we have taken against them.

Why wouldn’t your sister want to spend weekends with her own daughter?

So if something happens which provides evidence, which I hope it never ever does, but if it does, would people not want to learn from that what the warning signs may have been?
Which is usually opportunity and access. This man has both in abundance.
Just because there isn't a reason to suspect someone it's naive to think it's impossible.
This man could be the most attentive, wonderful and gentle soul on this planet who'd die a million times over to protect that wee girl from harm and I hope he is. He could also be 1 of the 1 in 30 men with a predilection for children.

I have two serious questions for the many posters who have written that the child cannot possibly be being abused because there is no evidence of it:

What evidence do you expect to be available to find?

And who, in the scenario which OP has outlined, is even looking for it?

Is this why 1 in 6 girls experiences sexual abuse? [Upthread I said 1 in 9 girls, but according the the National Crime Agency, which I quoted, my statistics were an underestimate].

Is it because good-hearted, well-meaning people like you recoil from even considering the possibility that it might be happening?

There are only three things that need to coincide for sexual abuse to occur: a perpetrator, a child and an opportunity. I don't know what you all think you know with such confidence, but one in six girls prove you wrong.

If something is not acknowledged, it cannot be addressed. OP's niece may be perfectly safe and secure, loved and happy with her Grandad. I hope she is. But other children are literally being violated as we speak, and nobody knows it but themselves and their abusers. People around them who might be able to save them fail to save them, because they refuse to imagine the worst.

Sorry - this is utter rubbish and if you have three kids you know that. NO NORMAL PARENTS dump their three year old every weekend to another family member, whoever that may be. Your sister is a selfish cow who should not be allowed children. Do she and her DDs dad not actually want to spend time with her????

The grandfather is probably a really lovely chap - but however great he is I doubt he planned on being a full time parent for every weekend. Your DSis is a massive pisstaker and and a failure as a parent. I can't believe your concerns are about the lovely GP who is taking on this huge responsibility, rather than your idle and pathetic sibling!

And if - God forbid - anything untoward were to take place - she would be completely to blame for allowing it to happen while she was prioritising having fun swimming.......🙄