If you are an only child, did you feel you missed out from not having siblings?

[FlyingSoap]

Not a goady thread, just trying to be a bit more informed. I know everyone is different and will have had different experiences

With the cost of living, size of house we can afford to buy & disposable income we have I think we will be much more comfortable and worry free with one child to focus on - being realistic about how expensive they are to raise.

I have a sibling and we don’t get on at all, probably caused more upset than joy to each other sadly.

I wanted to ask any adult only children on here if you’ve ever felt like you wished you had a sibling, or if you were content as you are.

As a child I ‘fancied’ the idea of a sibling, but looking back I am so glad I was an only child.

It’s an interesting dynamic for me as I am the only child of a long term lone parent (as in, it’s always just been us two), so have had complete, undivided attention.

I think the key is, to build your child a strong, wider network. I don’t feel I missed out as I am very close to my cousins. I had the best of both worlds. I could have the bustling family experience, and then go home to my own room when the arguments started 😂.

The only thing that I worry about as an adult is elderly care, particularly as my grandad was quite unwell before he died, and I saw my mum and aunties struggle to meet his needs, and there was three of them. I worry that with the best will in the world, I couldn’t sustain the level of care they provided on my own. That said, my mum is adamant that she wants to be in a home, with regular visits from me as she does not want to be a burden.

It totally can and I'm sorry your family have led to you guys being NC. That's very unfortunate.
As an only I'd love to have a sibling to have recognition of family past/ roots/ trauma even.
It's very strange being the only one looking back and makes you feel old before your time.

That's terrible phrasing on my part - sorry. But just looking back and only you know or remember is what I mean.

As an only I don't feel that way at all! I think all experiences are different.

I hated it. I was desperate for a sibling, and now have a big family so as not to feel that loneliness or have my kids feel it.

As a child I did want siblings but I wouldn’t say I missed out. My parents were attentive and I had lots of friends. My parents also took friend on holiday when I got to teenage years when I’d want a bit more independence but not by myself. I do worry that when my parents die I will be on my own in my grief. Im married so I’m not worried about literally being alone, more that I will be the only person to grieve my parents in that way.
However, now, I would not change a thing. I am incredibly close to my parents. We are a three (and now a four with my husband) and spend a lot of time together. I also see how lucky I was growing up that my parents could afford to support me in the way they did. They never had to think about it being fair - they paid for my wedding, they’ve offered money towards my IVF (if we need private). I never asked for this - they want to do it and I am incredibly grateful but they’d find this much harder to do if I had brothers and sisters!

I would have liked a sibling - I was lonely and socially a little awkward as a child and young adult .

As a 50 year old orphan I’d still have liked a sibling . My own sons have a love/hate relationship but are very close .

Thank you for asking this. Ive been thinking a lot about this recently. We have a lovely daughter who is 3, but due to complications with her birth and me being very poorly after she was born, we now can’t have any more children. I feel so terribly guilty that she won’t have a sibling but this thread has made me feel a lot better 💞

I am an only child, I never felt like I missed out. My mum got me a horse and I know that wouldnt have happened if had siblings as wouldn't be able to afford it. I did get a bit lonely in the summer holidays as spent most at my nans without other kids but I think if you make more effort to go to play groups and have their friends over for dinner or sleep overs when older and go to clubs etc they will not be missing anything.

My mother was an only child, I don't think it ever bothered her. Unfortunately she died when I was 31. I spent a lot of time looking after and emotionally supporting my widowed grandmother until she died four years ago. I even put off having kids to do this as she was very religious and we married late in life. I had two brothers but one died young and my younger brother lives in another country and has given me little support in dealing with my grandmother's estate or supporting my widowed dad. So there's no guarantee really even with siblings but I would have always loved to have a sister.

No, we’re saying the burden of looking after an elderly parent on their own is very hard, so this is one reason of why it would be nice to have a sibling. And as an only child this is one of the reasons we’ve struggled with it as we’ve got older. The OP asked for opinions from only childs. Obviously as a parent considering whether to have more than one child, this is only one thing out of many many other things to consider and every parent does what they believe is best for their family at that time.

I never wanted a sibling, never felt lonely etc. my 6yr old is an only child as well as I can’t afford to have another and only really wanted one, I don’t think he misses out and think he would have struggled to share me as we are very bonded. He has a close friend who is 4 yrs older and they’re like brothers, probably more so as choose to spend time together, it’s not enforced by being siblings. I know so many people who don’t get along with siblings, there’s no guarantee you would

My only sibling and I, a sister, have sadly caused each other a lot of heartache. In some ways being an only feels like it would have been easier (not that I wish her dead things aren’t that bad!). Society places a lot of expectations on sisters to be close and I find it difficult to talk about my sister as I feel there is a lot of shame associated with not getting along.

Also she lives abroad, so the elderly parent care will fall on me practically although it is still good to have her and I’m glad my mother has her.

I know a lot of sisters who are very close.

I guess my point is there’s no guarantee of anything either way.

I was an only child (due to secondarily infertility), and spent my childhood (and much of my adulthood) longing for a sibling. I was sincerely lonely at school, repeatedly bullied, and my parents separated when I was a 13. My mother subsequently spiralled into vicious cycles of depression and excessive drinking, whilst my father lived at the other end of the country and would see me sporadically (some times once a month, occasionally less). At this time, I had few friends and no one else of my age to confide in. I sometimes wonder how I survived this period of my life (by the Grace of God, I returned to my Christian faith and became a Catholic).

I now have two children, hopefully will have more. I admittedly have let my own personal experiences influence my desire for a bigger family, but also how I interact with my own children. I still wish I had a sibling nowadays, with whom I would hopefully have enjoyed a close relationship, shared experiences and advice, but most of all supported through many bitter and unpleasant experiences in childhood.

My exDH has one sibling. They fell out over 20 years ago, and other than when a parent died, and they were civil, nothing more, they have no contact whatsoever. They were never close as children/teens anyway. Having siblings doesn't automatically mean they will be friends, or support.

I loved being an only child, and never wanted a sibling.

No, we’re saying the burden of looking after an elderly parent on their own is very hard, so this is one reason of why it would be nice to have a sibling.

I never found dealing with (divorced) elderly parents any more difficult than it appeared to be for my friends with siblings. Especially as many of those siblings lived miles away, or even in another country. If you know you have to deal with it alone you just get on with it.

I think the parents of only children who say 'oh just stick me in a home when I am old' are a bit shortsighted. Surely this is only going to be possible if you can self fund to the tune of £1000 - £1500 for possibly many years. Unless I am misunderstanding, you don't just declare that you are old one day and then the local authority comes along and funds care for you. You have to undergo a needs assessment. Moving to sheltered accommodation / assisted living might provide a solution to filling any time between you needing a simple level of assistance rather than residential / nursing care but again the costs involved can be very high. To face old age truly independently you need lots of money. Perhaps a lot more than you might imagine.

I am facing old age alone as thanks to being an only child and also unfortunately being single and without children of my own. I have calculated that I need to have 1 million saved to have confidence that I will be able to fund my own care. That would give me just under 20 years of care at £1000 per week. Obviously I may not live that long or need that much care, but who knows.

I agree with this.
I am an only child and so is my mother. I always wanted a sibling so I had a play mate as a child and and more so now I’m adult so I have a best friend for life. I’d love to bring my kids up with lots of cousins but it’s not to be.
I have 2 children, quite close in age and am fascinated by their relationship. Their love for each other and of course the fall outs. I just think they’re so lucky to have each other.
I know you can’t have another child if you don’t want one, I get they. But I do think it’s something that should be given more thought. Having a sibling or being an only child has a profound impact on your life either way.

I am an only child and certainly wish I had siblings. However I think there is more to it in my case than just being an only child. I was adopted and never had a fantastic relationship with my adoptive parents. So day dreams about siblings probably stemmed more from longing for the kind of family love and belonging I didn’t feel I had.

I am sorry you are facing old age alone. If you have no money left the state will fund your care, at least where I live (you’ll be allowed to keep £21,500). Your pension may be used to cover some of it. This is assuming you need a care home of course. I do know a widow who lives alone and independently (truly independently, no care whatsoever from family or state) in her mid 80s but that may change in next few years. I knew a man who still walked to the shops to get his own shopping at 90. My first option would be living in the community independently, then in the community with care, then sheltered accommodation, then a care home. My main point is that I will not guilt my daughter into providing care. If she wants to, and prefers to preserve her inheritance by so doing, she can, but at least she will never be in a situation where she does everything for me, a sibling does nothing, and the sibling takes half.

Who knows though I may die relatively young and this won’t even be an issue.

The majority of people who go into care only live about 2 years so if I were you I wouldn't worry too much about tomorrow and enjoy today. My wonderful younger brother died last month and never even got to 'enjoy' a state pension!

And the majority of people never go into care at all. And if you don't have the funds the local authority pays for you, you just don't get a choice over the home.

My grandmother died at 74, in her own home, never spent a penny on care as she didn't need it. There's so many different scenarios. I don't spend time worrying about what could be.

Again - kindly - from someone who is actually dealing with an elderly person who needs some degree of care, this is not how it works in practice! People don’t go from being absolutely a-okay to requiring a care home; there’s often an interim period of years and years when they need help/carers. And someone has to arrange that and pay for it. I have done this for my mother; I have power of attorney and it’s all totally above board. But a call to the bank to transfer money from one account to the other can take the best part of an hour (rightly, they keep a close eye on these sort of accounts) and I’m the person who gets all the calls if she needs shopping/stuff/appointments. And the idea that “if you can’t pay, you just don’t get to choose the home” is - unfortunately- very naive. Local authorities are strapped for cash in a major way; there are all sorts of elderly people without the funds for a home who really ought to be in one. And that is (I know someone whose parent is in this position) is unbelievably stressful for the adult children of that elderly person. (Her dad has dementia and is often found wandering the streets in his dressing gown; it’s incredibly distressing for all concerned.)

I was a very content only child and I have only felt mild interest in what would have been different if I had siblings. I suppose it hit me hardest when we lost my Dad and the three we had been became just two. I’m lucky that my Mum then moved to be nearer to me and we are very close. I am painfully aware given my Mum and my husbands sibling situations, that even if I had siblings they might not be people I get on with and they might not help with family situations either. My Mum’s brothers certainly didn’t when my Gran was dying. I myself have 2 DC but I have plenty of friends who only have 1 DC. I think you need to decide what is best for you. Being an only child certainly isn’t a disadvantage in my opinion.

Yes, that exactly the kind of scenario I fear for myself hence why I am working so hard on saving to ensure I can pay for care. I certainly wouldn't want to rely on the LA.