If you are an only child, did you feel you missed out from not having siblings?

[FlyingSoap]

Not a goady thread, just trying to be a bit more informed. I know everyone is different and will have had different experiences

With the cost of living, size of house we can afford to buy & disposable income we have I think we will be much more comfortable and worry free with one child to focus on - being realistic about how expensive they are to raise.

I have a sibling and we don’t get on at all, probably caused more upset than joy to each other sadly.

I wanted to ask any adult only children on here if you’ve ever felt like you wished you had a sibling, or if you were content as you are.

My niece is perfectly cared for as an only child and she has wonderful relationships with her parents. I didn't think she was consciously missing out on anything until the day she suddenly burst into tears when my girls sat down together. There was room for her, she just didn't have another sibling to sit down together with and cousins weren't good enough.

I always come onto these threads,....as a very happy only child raising a very happy only child: I was never lonely never felt like I missed out on anything. In fact the opposite: I had more as there was only me: more quality time with my parents mainly.

Siblings are absolutely no guarantee: my husband has a brother who he loathes who he hasn't spoken to in 20 years. My friend with six siblings says she feels like she's an only as they are all useless when it comes to helping her elderly mum.

I absolutely love my own company and am very self sufficient. I also have a lot of very close friends that I'd walk through fire for.

When it comes to raising an only: we have such a lovely life with lots of travel, a quiet calm peaceful home...it's wonderful truly.

Ps regards the burden of elderly parents.

Invariably you find in a group of siblings that the burden is not shared.

Some will purposefully place themselves at geographical distance or come up with excuses such as work, family, their own health…. Whatever they can to get out of helping.

As an only child there is no opportunity to pass the buck or avoid responsibility, but it comes as no surprise because it has always been on you alone to be the helper, to achieve, to step up. So overall it is probably more manageable, if substantial support of parents is required.

I’m not an only child, so I’m not really qualified to answer your question and I haven’t rtft. However I would say that the experiences of only children a generation or so ago are not necessarily typical of the experiences of them now. So if a now adult found it lonely to be an only child, it doesn’t mean that would be the case now.

It’s much more common to be an only child now, and children are given many more opportunities to mix with other children now with nurseries, pre-schools and many children’s activities to go to all being much more common. Your child will be fine OP.

No, I don't feel I missed out on anything. And I don't have parents who need care either. That's not a guarantee.

I am an only child. As a child I actually felt sorry for friends with siblings. I loved being an only child. As my parents aged it was a bit different. DF died 12 years ago and I became DM's full time carer. There were times when it felt very lonely and I wished I had someone else to share the responsibility, especially when the time came for mum to go into residential care. But just a glance at the Elderly Parents board shows that siblings are not always the tower of support one might need. I have a very supportive husband and adult children, a cousin who lives locally and together with my best friend they have given me so much practical and emotional support I don't feel a sibling would necessarily be able to do any more.

How will he be alone when he dies? Your parents aren't the only people in your life. He might have a wife, children, grandchildren, friends.

No, I gained a lot more to be honest. When I look at my friends with siblings, particularly as adults, or my husband who is one of 4 I feel quite sorry for them. I had all of my parents time and love and attention which has made me a very happy, stable person who feels very secure. I can always tell people who grew up in bigger families because of the way they still as adults get this urge to compete for attention. I think there’s also often an underlying anxiety in most siblings I know that I personally think comes from the way I’ve seen siblings compete with each other and compare themselves and their successes or failures. It creates an insecurity that’s always quite obvious once you know someone.

I also benefitted from having more money - we went on amazing holidays, I got support with school, uni and post grad that I wouldn’t have got if I’d had siblings and I’ve been set up for life really by my parents. I also won’t have to share the inheritance one day which is a huge bonus!

I can also speak to the difficult times - I’ve experienced parental death and am now looking towards a future with a single, ageing parent. I personally have only ever felt grateful I don’t have a sibling to navigate those dynamics with. People grieve very differently and I don’t think having a sibling would have helped with the death of my father at all. And I like the simple ease of knowing I alone will be responsible for my mother as she ages, I won’t have other people inputting into decisions etc.

I have the best of both worlds as an adult as my husband has a huge family so I get the benefits of that, but honestly the older I get the happier I am as an only child. I think it’s set me up to be a very happy, secure adult.

I’m an only child and have just one DD(19)…neither of us have felt we’ve missed out by not having a sibling.

Tbh if you’ve never experienced it it’s not something you can miss. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to give my Dd the time and opportunities she’s had if I’d had more than one child and our relationship which is the greatest joy in my life would have been different.

I’ve always quite fancied having a lovely, protective older brother but of course life doesn’t work like that! When my dad was very ill/dying I sometimes wished there were siblings to lighten the load but again that doesn’t always pan out.

Do what is right for you and your family and you’ll all be just fine.

I’m an only and was quite adamant I didn’t want one child.
I have no cousins and grew up rurally, my parents moved into a pretty insular community and we were a little bit outsiders.
I think my parents were excellent at the very small child stage - imaginative play, teaching me to read etc, but as I got older they didn’t see the value in anything outside school. I remember going to a kind of local Scouts group thing some of my friends went to for a taster session and asking to go back. My friends parents said they could do lift shares etc but my parents have this pathological avoidance of any type of commitment and refused to be drawn in.
summer holidays were quite dominated by what they wanted to do and I remember being dragged on lots of miserable walks and wishing I had a sibling for company. One year we went to Cornwall and I went body boarding every day and loved it. My dad apparently hated it as it was too busy so we never went back. It’s all so different to how we plan family holidays now which are so much about what my kids will enjoy.
As a teenager there was really nothing for me at home apart from homework. I worked really hard but spent a huge amount of weekends sleeping over at a friends house that lived the other side of our catchment area.
At the same time I always felt like they were too in my head - quite over protective on some areas, like I didn’t have much freedom
or privacy. I really wished for a sibling to dilute that pressure. As a result I pulled away from my parents emotionally quite far as a teen and never really built that connection back.
Today our parenting style is so different. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful group
of mum friends and in the primary years my kids often ran with a pack of others. They got to try loads of sports clubs and we try and fill their holidays with experiences that they love. DH and i genuinely love it too - there’s no ‘adult’ holiday we’d enjoy more than amazing trips We’ve had skiing as a family or going to somewhere like Efteling. Nowadays we’re heavily committed to their sport and spent pretty much all our spare time driving them around the country to compete. Our relationship with early teens is completely different and they as siblings have a shared passion too.
A lot of that is about parenting styles, but I think you have to consciously make the effort to build your child’s world outside the home if they’re an only.

As a child I didn't feel like I missed out on not having siblings. However now at 42 with aging parents I do. I feel sad that, once my parents pass, there is nobody else that shared my childhood and have the same memories. It makes me feel lonely despite now having my own family.

My husband has five siblings and, although there is a lot of in fighting and they don't all get with each other, when the chips are down they are there for each other and I envy that.

My husband is an only & I don't think he really felt it as a child as he lived in a small village & all the kids were out & about playing together.

I think as an adult though he always felt some pressure to do well & "not let them down".

Now as his parents are older it's hard for him to have no one to really share it with & I when he loses one parent he'll feel a great responsibility to the one who is left.

46 year old only child here. In terms of the sibling itself I don’t feel like I missed out personally, I grew up seeing friends that were really close to theirs but equally those that fought like hell and still do to this day, so I always accepted it was complete luck of the draw and there were just too many “what ifs” to worry about needlessly. Plus sides are I think it fostered a sense of independence and comfort in my own skin from a much younger age than friends with siblings, I’ve never been reliant on others to do things with me and no issues about going places or being home alone.

The downside has been as I grew into late teens and adulthood and is very much specific to the difficult relationship I have with my mother, who has serious people dependancy issues. Over time we lost my grandparents (her parents), my dad and her sibling so her dependency issues became solely focussed on me. I’m 47 and she still hasn’t forgiven me for moving away at 19 to uni 50 miles away, meeting someone, settling down, having a career and family of my own and not returning to my home town to be with her. No joke, she had my whole life planned and timetabled day to day for me when I left school, all centred around me never leaving her side. She moved to live near me a few years ago and is very domineering and demanding of my time which has put a massive strain on my family and job. It’s only going to get worse as she’s now 80 and health is starting to fail, but won’t have anyone other than me help her.

There are days when I dream of having a sibling or two that could share the load with me, but realistically I know that I may not have been blessed with siblings that could or would.

but it really does hit home what I have missed out on. And the burden of elderly parents now falls solely to me

On the other hand, my brother is much older than me, and it's him who needs significant support - and there's only me to give it. So having siblings doesn't necessarily make life easier.

Im one of 5 but felt like an only child I never clicked with any of my family apart from one sister she also like me did not fit in with our family.
We both went NC when we left home at 16 we only talked to each other from that day on.
Moved out and moved on with our own life never turned back.
Sometimes you can have a huge family but feel so alone like we did it was like living with a family you didnt like didnt click with we didnt connect with any of them.
We are very close to each other and speak every day but not to other family its been 22 year and still have no feelings for them.
I think it can also happen with being an only child as well.

I would agree with this. I have 3 children and find their relationships fascinating. Sometimes I do wish I had a sibling to have that bond with someone and shared childhood experiences especially as my parents are now elderly and can’t remember a lot of what happened when I grew up.

I’m sure you are raising your daughter to be an incredibly caring individual so I’m sure she won’t want to just “stick you in a home” I would want to avoid that for my mother if we could possibly avoid it! Not sure where you live in the world but often in the UK the person moving into a home has to sell their house to pay for it, leaving the children / child with no inheritance

My only sibling, my younger brother died last month and it is devastating. I don't think others realise how much his loss hurts. People are naturally concerned about my parents - I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose a child whatever their age but I don't receive the same understanding.
My brother's illness was very sudden and he died weeks after his diagnosis. I feel being an only child has been thrust upon me and the future looks so different now. My brother was unmarried with no children, probably ND and he was very close to our parents. I adored him and feel very alone - we were 12 months apart in age. It would be different if you had always been an only child.

I'm an only. I never wished for siblings or felt I'd missed out by not having them. As an adult, I have started to become aware of the fact all the elderly parent care will be on me one day ( DM, DF and DSM because they never had children ) but then again, my DM is one of 4 and does all of her mothers care anyway and isn't close to any of her siblings.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Manthide.

My late brother had no children or partner so I have never had any blood neices or nephews or a sister in law. My dc do have 2 first cousins on ex dh's side but they live abroad and they have minimal contact. It does feel a bit weird not to be an aunty.

No. You can't truly miss what you've never had. Some people may miss what they daydream a perfect sibling relationship may be, but that's not guaranteed. My ex and his brother never got on at all and aren't close as adults. Same goes for a few friends with siblings.

I am so glad that I am an only child. My dad is one of 5 and my mum is also one of 5 and there has always been so many issues between them for my whole life.
My dad only speaks to his 2 remaining siblings when he has to (the other 2 have both died in the past year).
My mum was extremely demanding when I was growing up and I had to do a lot of things for her.
I just to wish I had a sibling to lighten the load so the sibling could sometimes do thing for my mum.
I didn't want a sibling to spend time with myself just to help with my mum.
I haven't see or spoken to my mum is almost 12 years now.
I am also extremely glad that I do not have a sibling.

Yes I do, but you can't forecast how either will work out.

I wish I'd had someone who remembered a shared childhood. And diluted my parents' intense focus on me! And someone to play with - I spent a lot of time alone. As I get older I'm very aware that I am the only person who will care for my parents as they age.

But I also have twins of my own now, who drive each other nuts! They constantly have to compromise because of the other, in both small and big ways.

Now I have 3 step-siblings and enjoy all the family gatherings and my kids have cousins without all the history.

You can't predict how things will work out. Do what's right for your family now.

No I don’t - and the more I see of adult sibling relationships, the more strongly I feel that I was/am better off as an only.