Kids missing school and I’m the worst mum ever.

[Hagpie]

I need advice. My oldest used to have lots of tummy issues which meant she missed school. Last year it kind of just resolved itself which is great because doctors really didn’t know what was wrong.

I was thinking great! No more missed days ….and now I’m the problem. I have had such terrible pain and weakness in my joints particularly my wrists, knuckles and knees dating back to 2017. I mean like sometimes I cannot not lift a pillow or close the palms of my hands or walk because my leg will just buckle. When I am getting the baby out of bed I will sometimes scoot on my bum down the stairs.

I had gone to the doctors and they gave me some very helpful pills but by the time I got referred to a specialist, I was heavily pregnant. The doctor told me my symptoms were very worrying and the bones in my right hand were “softening.” However being pregnant lessened some of my symptoms and besides, she said she was too scared to touch me and none of the medicines she could give me were suitable for a pregnant person. Shortly after I gave birth we had to move but it was fine as my symptoms have only showed up for one or two days a year since then. Until December 2023.

So far in 2024 my children have missed about 6 days of school because of me. I just had a good cry because they’re doing so well in school and I feel like I’m ruining it. They missed today and might not be in tomorrow because I might not be capable of walking them to school. Their dad is at work for 6am and this is inflexible.

If it’s anything like last time, I’m about 18 months from another specialist appointment if I can ever get another GP appointment in the first place. I feel like a failure and it’s really embarrassing because on the outside I look incredibly fit and on good days, have jogged the school run. I just don’t know what to do and the kids don’t understand why mummy can’t grip a brush to do their hair some days.

might it be worth speaking to the council about home to school pick up via taxi, OP? Are you eligible for school transport, maybe?

I didn’t know that was a thing. I’m really kicking myself for not starting everything up again in my new area even after I felt better. I’m assuming the council would require proof or some sort of paper trail to get funding for it. I will look into it for sure though, I am just so embarrassed.

Do you have nearby friends and family that could help you out? A few close mum friends at DD’s primary school looked after her and took her to school on quite a few occasions due to me having a chronic pain flare. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about - you are not the worst mum in the world, but you do need to find a way to get them there and make sure that their needs are met

The kids dad has to be at work for 6am as it's inflexible? So is school!
Talk to the school about transport, advertise on childcare.co.uk for a person to help regularly or adhoc, ask friends or family to help.
I'd help a mum at the school gates I didn't know if in your situation.
You need to stop being embarrassed and ask for some help for your kids sake

Is there a charity for your condition ? Can you get the GP to refer you for help .

How old are your kids? Are they at an age where you could just call a taxi to take them to school? Lots of parents do this, it’s not super uncommon

Are school aware of your health issues? Do the children count as young carers?

How are you looking after them at home right now? What part of getting them to school are you physically struggling with?

To answer a few questions:

1. Kids are 4 and 8 and if they were to be my carers I would be dead by the end of the week (and I wouldn’t have it any other way.)
2. School are unaware as it hadn’t really come up until now.
3. I had to give up work recently, so before I could just Uber to and from school on the days DH was at work. It was £30-£35 a day and now it’s not an option.
4. Cannot afford to have extra help right now.
5. I am embarrassed because I remember all the looks I used to get zipping about Tesco on a motorised scooter as a baby faced 25 year old.
6. I HAD a really great mum friend but the relationship as soured a little bit so I can’t ask her anymore.

On the days you can’t get them to school how do you look after them?

There are so many services out there that could maybe help you, you really need to speak to the school and ask on your local social media (random people may have more knowledge for private services than your school). I got stuck once when we moved to another area and my children changed schools. It turned out that there was an ofsted registered childminder who worked from one of the school buildings. For £2 a day she’d collect and drop off your child. I didn’t even have to pay the £2 as at the time I was on a certain benefit. There were also multiple children/family centres, plus council run and private transporters that could have helped. There is government assistance available, but you do have to do a lot of jumping through hoops to get that as it’s unbelievably expensive. I know someone who got that for a 4 min school run and it was as costing almost £100 a day, as they have to pay a private company for their time a whole 2 hours before and after the run to keep them free just in case.

At 4 and 8 they’re not exactly babies? My children have been able to get up and play with their toys, get themselves basic food out of the fridge, make themselves a drink and put some movies on. It just means keeping on top of easy snack stocks.

The walking - It’s like someone is putting a knife in my knee. If I insist on pushing through it, then it will eventually just buckle whenever I put weight on it. It’s too expensive to Uber it for us at the moment as it’s £30-£35 a day and I no longer work.

I look after them by doing most things in the evening when my joints are feeling better like showering them, washing uniforms and I batch cook a lot and basically cranking things out when I’m feeling good. Also their dad is also consistently a really great dad who just jumps into whatever I’m doing or looks at my meal plan and opens jars and things I’ll need preemptively.

How do you cope with the baby?

Speak to school, they may be able to get you someone to do school run. Also ask for a referral to Young Carers for your oldest dc, even though she strictly isn't a carer they will accept her. Young Carers groups take children of disabled parents to do activities, go on trips & some even get to go on holiday with the group. They also have family workers who can help with getting you the help you need. My ds was a young carer from age 8 & went through Sheffield Young Carers right up to being 18, he is now a trustee of the charity.

Agree with pp that you need to get extra help asap. Go back to the GP even if you will have to wait a long time for a specialist appointment. Explain the situation.

in the meantime though you need to get your priorities straight. It’s a bit off that you are spending evenings doing washing and batch cooking but then can’t get your kids to school in the morning. For all you know, doing this stuff in the evenings when your joints feel better is actually contributing to the pain you feel in the mornings. Your DH needs to take over all the washing and cooking from now on. He can do it in the evenings and on his days off work so you just have to warm things Through. You need to focus all of your energy on being able to get your kids to school.

I say baby but she’s one if that makes a difference. A few things I do:

1. Her lunch is typically something easy like a sandwich + yogurt lollies + baby crisps or something easy open/pre-portioned.
2. I clean/clear the front room before I go to bed.
3. I hide the fruit and snacks etc I will give her in the front room with us to limit trips.
4. Thankfully she loves to sit and “read” with me.
5. When I struggle with her nappy she thinks it’s a game.
6. I often dress her the night before as her clothes and comfy and loose fitting play clothes anyway. Obviously no jumpers and things like that.

It hurts but I can usually find a way around something. I no longer exercise or go out unnecessarily to keep my strength for all of my SAHM jobs.

Just want to add as well I promise DH does more than his fair share. I feel like I’m failing when I’m by myself and don’t have his help. I want support so that I can do it. This is the man that bathed, dressed me and lovingly brushed my hair when my symptoms first started.

Do you get any disability benefits?

No

I’m so sorry, I have no advice but I just wanted to send you some virtual hugs 🤗 and 🌺 it sounds really tough. ❤️

Please speak to your health visitor. They will be able to set up help and signpost. You should have support. You sound like a great mum trying to do her best. A few days off school didn't hurt anyone. But just ring up explain your situation and they can come and assess and maybe put some support in place and refer for funding and disability aids. It is not fair that you are struggling alone with three children all day. Health visitors often get a bad rep but they are the gateway for a lot of services you don't even know exist.

Contact your council about their school taxi service. It's almost impossible in our area to find a private taxi around the time of the school run as so many of them are contracted to the council for school runs.

Can you find a childminder or similar who can deliver your children to school? I had one for a while when I had mobility problems. She delivered them to school early before her daytime children arrived. You might qualify for school breakfasts.

You really need to apply for benefits. And remember to tell them about your worst days. Getting the right benefits should help pay for the extra help you need. And a blue badge.
I would also talk to a minicab/taxi firm, as they may well give you a discount for regular business - those Uber costs sound high and I live in a rural area where everything is expensive.

This is what I mean, you are prioritising domestic tasks the majority of which your DH could do. And then not prioritising getting your kids to school. You really need to try to do this while you are waiting for/arranging extra help.