Kids missing school and I’m the worst mum ever.

[Hagpie]

I need advice. My oldest used to have lots of tummy issues which meant she missed school. Last year it kind of just resolved itself which is great because doctors really didn’t know what was wrong.

I was thinking great! No more missed days ….and now I’m the problem. I have had such terrible pain and weakness in my joints particularly my wrists, knuckles and knees dating back to 2017. I mean like sometimes I cannot not lift a pillow or close the palms of my hands or walk because my leg will just buckle. When I am getting the baby out of bed I will sometimes scoot on my bum down the stairs.

I had gone to the doctors and they gave me some very helpful pills but by the time I got referred to a specialist, I was heavily pregnant. The doctor told me my symptoms were very worrying and the bones in my right hand were “softening.” However being pregnant lessened some of my symptoms and besides, she said she was too scared to touch me and none of the medicines she could give me were suitable for a pregnant person. Shortly after I gave birth we had to move but it was fine as my symptoms have only showed up for one or two days a year since then. Until December 2023.

So far in 2024 my children have missed about 6 days of school because of me. I just had a good cry because they’re doing so well in school and I feel like I’m ruining it. They missed today and might not be in tomorrow because I might not be capable of walking them to school. Their dad is at work for 6am and this is inflexible.

If it’s anything like last time, I’m about 18 months from another specialist appointment if I can ever get another GP appointment in the first place. I feel like a failure and it’s really embarrassing because on the outside I look incredibly fit and on good days, have jogged the school run. I just don’t know what to do and the kids don’t understand why mummy can’t grip a brush to do their hair some days.

Speak to school, they may be able to put you in touch with a childminder. Also speak to your health visitor, they are really good at pushing for support. When I was going through a nasty divorce when my youngest was a baby and I was a wreck, they got me instant access to the GP and all the support. Worst case, early help with social services, they really do provide support, not just take children away. You have options, you need to seek them out though.

Yes, but nobody's suggesting that she just lets the kids keep missing school. It's almost certainly not a choice between "missing school" vs "LA-provided free taxi to school." The OP can probably manage the situation with some help from her social network and a mobility scooter, which the LA might be able to help her with financially if her income is low.

You should get pip too, and can you get a scooter?

By the way you mentioned tummy issues with your daughter, is it eds you have, that can cause tummy issues in some

This is a very shortsighted response.

I have Adult Onset Stills Disease and during a flare I'd honestly want to die in the morning. I couldn't pick my daughter out of her cot or change her nappy. My joints were that painful.

After my steroids/naproxen had kicked in, I could do a bit more but I'd have to get up a 5am. Eat a custard cream and take my meds that had been put at the side of the bed the evening before. Then hop into the hottest shower I could handle and I could still barely function until midday. Doing what I could at night when I wasn't in quite so much pain was the only thing I could do to make me not feel completely useless and hobble to nearest train station and throw myself uselessly under one.

Lots of immune arthritic type conditions are much much worse in the morning and it's a bleak existence being in so much pain.

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

Do speak to the school, is better they know why you're genuinely struggling to get your DC to school sometimes and will be more lenient about time off, children arriving late.

Might be a bit harder for the younger one, but is there a child in the same year who walks roughly the same way as your older one. You might be able to come to an arrangement that someone will take them if you can't, in return you might be able to have their child at weekend/evening (when your husband is around obviously) so they can go out or buy them the odd treat as a thank you.

You need to get a health paper trail going. Call the GP in the first instance and ask for a telephone appointment, explain that your mobility is so poor you can’t go in.

Apply for ESA/universal credit (check which you’re potentially entitled to by going on Turn2us and doing a benefits calculator.

Email the school, explain the situation and ask directly for help.

Apply for PIP. Google your council’s disabilities provisions, and call citizens advice.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. It reminds me very much of myself. I got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, getting diagnosed was the route to things improving because I was given medication that really helps.
I had spoken to my doctor several times but I was only taken seriously when I saw a different doctor who immediately sent me for emergency blood tests and x-rays. My family member had come to help me with kids on a particularly bad day and insisted I made an emergency appointment for that day.
Please don’t struggle through each day without getting medical help that could really help you.

You definitely need to speak to the school and explain the situation. I initially wondered if a mobility scooter might help but then you said you have a one year old, so not sure how practical that is unless you put them in the basket! Sorry, just joking.

But it's parents' responsibility to get kids to school. It always has been. Only children with SEN who go to SEN schools are entitled to taxi transport. Kids allocated schools over a certain distance from home may get free bus travel. In this case it's down to OP to apply for any funds she's entitled to to support her with transport, or for the working parent to pay for it.

Definitely speak to the school. There were always TA’s at our primary looking for a little extra cash and so would do the odd drop off, pick up, babysitting etc. Our school receptionist/admin person used to organise it all.

The school care a lot about attendance, especially now as it’s such a hot topic. I’m sure they will support in any way they can to get your kids into school.

Then next thing to do it get yourself to your GP pronto. The NHS is a postcode lottery and now you’re in a new area, you might get seen by a specialist very quickly. In my area, we are lucky, the waiting times for specialists are nothing like what I often read on MN.

Of course it is the parents’ responsibility to ensure that their child gets to school, but as OP physically cannot meet that responsibility right now something needs to be done and support put in place. She is perfectly entitled to ask the school for the help that she needs

But what about the husband? 2 parent families need to find 2 parent solutions.

There are plenty of families where one (or both parents) need to change jobs to accommodate school times.

One parent working is not a reason for the kids to get a taxi or else we would all be able to do it.

Yes she can ask. But she's not entitled to funds from the school to transport them to school. She needs to ensure she applies for any money she's entitled to; and examine her household budget with her husband to try to build capacity for occasional emergency taxis. £35 x 12 is £70 a month (6 days off since September). Of course it won't be easy to build this into the budget necessarily but this is what the family need to do.

It's hard to open up to the school but they will want to help - and have a duty to help you too. Any of the schools I've worked at would work with you to help sort this out. Honestly.

This.
school attendance is the law.
dads working hours is NOT by law. It is his contract. In first instance call school and council and see what can be put in place to get your child into school.

pyou may need to pay depending on your circumstances . Unless you’re so unwell that you get disability allowance in which case it could be used for that

BUT your child has TWO parents. It IS also their dad’s responsisiblty to get them into school. He needs to start to look at ways to alter his working hours so that the children can be dropped with a childminder say at around 8am and for childminder to take them into school etc

one last option might be worth looking at: an au pair? I know they’re hard to get these days, but for board and allowance and help with language, an aupair is perfect to get school age kids to and from school. We had one for years when kids were between 4.5 and 11 . They’d do the school drop pffs/pick ups (walking), get kids down to park for exercise, and settle them into homework before we arrived. Yes, it is a stretch to adjust to someone living in your home, but there are many benefits

The other alternatives are to PAY another mum who does school runs to collect and drop off your child at same time as theirs. You’re not going to be covered by insurance or DBS checks so riskier option, but you need to think outside the box.

it is not legal or morally right your kids are missing school. It is a problem you need to fix. And you need to come clean and get social services and school involved in solution. BUT, they will first ask why the hell isn’t dad changing his working hours to do the job like thousands of single mums and dads?

How far are you from school? £9 each way ISH sounds like a fair trek. If you assume long term this isn't going to go away, it's worth thinking about moving them closer to you.

But honestly I think you're one unlucky incident away from something happening with the kids if you can barely move, couldn't run after them if one of them fell or went out the door etc.,

DH should be entitled to emergency parental leave.

My DH worked abroad a lot as well as unusual hours - if it came down to him needing to do the school run then he would’ve lost his job and we would’ve lost our income, plain and simple. Good luck finding a new job at short notice in a niche and competitive industry, it just wouldn’t happen.

6 days off since the start of 2024. *

If it is 100% necessary and within the best interests of the kids then the school can and will help

But do you expect the school to fund a taxi for your kids?

I am not saying its is fair but unfortunately lots of parents need to change jobs to accommodate school or pay for childcare.

Child carers are not just about physically looking after you but about access to experiences they miss out on because of you.
Get back to your doctor and as well as referring back to specialist talk about the difficulty you're having at home and mobility...you may need a social worker and could be eligible for mobility allowance etc.
Make school aware of issues there maybe things they can do.
You need to rethink the scooter....people were not looking, as in she doesn't need one you felt self conscious but plenty of mum's use them and if it gets your kids to school what is more important.
You may as a couple need to rethink your whole set up including your husband's working day.....does he support you when he's in?

The fact you were better in pregnancy and are worse in the morning points to an inflammatory, auto immune condition - go to your GP, cry and tell them how awful it is, you will get steroids to tide you over until the consultant.

You have normalised something because it is ongoing. Most people would make an emergency appointment if they woke up in pain and unable to walk - channel that mentality, tell the receptionist you are scared and can't look after your kids properly. Do not grin and bear it, there are no medals for putting up with pain and all these conditions benefit from earlier treatment.

As for the kids, the school might have options if you call and talk to them. They could discretely approach someone that walks past your house en route or tell you if there is any walking bus type things.

I think your DH needs to talk to his work about flexibility in this situation, can he WFH and go in after the school run.

Overall - both you and DH need to stop enduring and start asking for help. Forget petty fall outs or overthinking friendships and ask for help. People will step up, you are not asking for very much at all.

Frankly yes if the only alternative would be my DH losing his good salary and therefore leaving us unable to even pay the mortgage on our house. That would become even more of a welfare issue and I would expect the school to step in to stop it from getting to that point

School will definitely help with this, please speak to the head of safeguarding they will be your first port of call, not that it’s a safeguard matter! Be kind to yourself, you’re struggling enough without this mental torture!

That is not how things work - 'we need to work so you need to get my kids to school' or else all parents would do it. It is why childcare exists and is used by millions.

Your kids, your responsibility.

The school is there to provide an education for the children, not to prevent anyone from loosing their house!
it’s a parents responsibility to get their children to school, not the schools responsibility to provide transport to get them there!!