Kids missing school and I’m the worst mum ever.

[Hagpie]

I need advice. My oldest used to have lots of tummy issues which meant she missed school. Last year it kind of just resolved itself which is great because doctors really didn’t know what was wrong.

I was thinking great! No more missed days ….and now I’m the problem. I have had such terrible pain and weakness in my joints particularly my wrists, knuckles and knees dating back to 2017. I mean like sometimes I cannot not lift a pillow or close the palms of my hands or walk because my leg will just buckle. When I am getting the baby out of bed I will sometimes scoot on my bum down the stairs.

I had gone to the doctors and they gave me some very helpful pills but by the time I got referred to a specialist, I was heavily pregnant. The doctor told me my symptoms were very worrying and the bones in my right hand were “softening.” However being pregnant lessened some of my symptoms and besides, she said she was too scared to touch me and none of the medicines she could give me were suitable for a pregnant person. Shortly after I gave birth we had to move but it was fine as my symptoms have only showed up for one or two days a year since then. Until December 2023.

So far in 2024 my children have missed about 6 days of school because of me. I just had a good cry because they’re doing so well in school and I feel like I’m ruining it. They missed today and might not be in tomorrow because I might not be capable of walking them to school. Their dad is at work for 6am and this is inflexible.

If it’s anything like last time, I’m about 18 months from another specialist appointment if I can ever get another GP appointment in the first place. I feel like a failure and it’s really embarrassing because on the outside I look incredibly fit and on good days, have jogged the school run. I just don’t know what to do and the kids don’t understand why mummy can’t grip a brush to do their hair some days.

Too late now but ridiculous you had another child when you were so ill you can't get your existing kids to school.

Far easier said than done. If DH needed to be at home for the school run in the mornings then he would’ve lost his job and we would’ve lost our income. OP should not have to rearrange the entire life of her family to get a school run done when there is help available out there

But you’re not the op, @MaloneMeadow 🤷🏻‍♀️
Why do you keep referencing your own circumstances? They’re hardly relevant.

But the rest of us do… I’ve turned down jobs because it’s doesn’t work for the school run. Which is fine because I had a child and signed up to that…

There is no chance a school will provide a taxi because someone had to work. If that’s the case then we could all access it.

I did truthfully expect more of this when I came on here and a lot worse. I thought that a little bit of bullying would make me I dunno… try harder and everything would be magically okay.

However, what I got was so much kindness, compassion and a ton of good ideas and support. Thank you so much everyone from the bottom of my heart. I reached out to my mummy bestie and told her what’s been going on and we made a plan. DH and I will do the stuff I can do while my joints are good when he gets back - hair, bath etc and she will be taking them to school for a bit. She’s even rallying her partner (another great man I get on well with) to help me by pushing the pushchair up and down the dreaded hill on less-than-terrible days, just so I can leave the house for a bit and get my mental health up.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m still crying but it’s very different, thank you. ❤️

…and apply for PIP

But there is NOT help available out there. This is what you don't seem to be grasping. Unless OP lives a long way from school and there is no suitable closer school to move the children to she is not entitled to free school transport under any of the categories that might be in place. So why do you keep banging on that she is?

We have looked into transferring DH’s job up North but it’s a pay cut and the numbers remain largely the name proportionately

Rent will be cheaper up North if you avoid the cities. Your DH could commute by train or bus from a town into the city. In the meantime, you could get a manual wheelchair so you can take your children to school. Although you said you also have a baby. How do you push the pram if you're struggling to walk? Your DH could even cut down on his therapy sessions so he can save for a mobility scooter for you.

Id be happy to help a parent in my child's class every now and then, and have done on some occasions. Can you ask other parents at the school if anyone could help?

Just seeing you mention softening bones. Have you heard of a condition called HPP? It's very likely (statistically) not that but it is apparently under diagnosed because GPs don't pick up the red flags on blood tests. I have two of them and at the moment no one knows if I have it or not as I am not currently sick enough to need referring for further investigation. I always raise it in relevant discussions just on the off chance that it is helpful to someone one day. As for the school issue, if they are likely to help it's got to be worth confiding in them how hard things are. Do they have any drop ins, coffee mornings etc that might make going for a chat seem a bit more relaxed?

That's a great update, Hagpie. Hopefully seeing the GP will get the ball rolling on a diagnosis and you can look at more long-term options.

I am so glad your friend is helping you. I hope you get a diagnosis soon, and can get all the help you need.

Contact your children’s school right away. You’d be surprised at the resources they have and how fast they will move to make sure those kids are in school and that you get help.

I really feel for you OP. Hopefully you'll get some answers medically speaking sooner rather than later.

In the meanwhile, have you tried some basics? Eg do you take a multi vitamin and mineral daily? Some deficiencies are insidious and creep up on you quietly, with things like fatigue and joint pain.

If I were you I'd definitely be supplementing B12 because, even if you eat meat, some people aren't good at absorbing it from food. Try a spray under the tongue or lozenges to suck. If you are deficient in something like that I'm afraid it takes a long time to build reserves back to, but worth starting and giving it a go.

Edited to add: if you're thinking of asking Dr for a blood test for b12 deficiency make sure you do that before you start supplements because they will sway the results. And if you are severely deficient you will need injections.

Careful there - you’ll get jumped on by @MiltonNorthern . Apparently it’s incredibly unreasonable to ask your child’s school for the help that you need in order for them to receive their education..

Has fibromyalgia been mentioned at all here? Sounds very similar to my friend who has been diagnosed with it 😞

Oh stop being so bloody ridiculous

Why did you have another baby, if you already have one child and are experiencing all these health problems? And first child had all these issues you were also addressing? Why is your 4 year old wearing a nappy??

@OldPerson there are 3 children, the youngest (not the 4yo) is the one wearing a nappy

@Hagpie have you had any investigations into hormones . I had the best pregnancy and felt amazing and then the night of giving birth all my awful symptoms returned from pre pregnancy . I believe now I was very low in progesterone . I now take HRT and feel fantastic . You need eostrogen for your bones , I’d be pushing for this to be looked at . Good luck xx

Mini update: I have a blood test booked for tomorrow (and Pap smear while I’m there haha)

As you already know about PIP you’re more prepared than most. The sooner you the sooner the process starts.

Cheap mobility scooter is a good idea, have a look at FB marketplace and test drive first!

Also contact your council so they can assess you and see what help or aids would be beneficial in your home. They do the assessment free of charge.

Agree contact the school so they know why your kids have missed days and so they’re aware and might be able to help.

Don’t feel embarassed, no one asks for bad health! And tell people you might need extra help. I’m was really bad at this but at a heart scan that usually DH or my home help/friend would help me with me the nurse just presumed I was fit and healthy as I had a nice summer tan wearing a pretty summer dress and left me to get up myself. I stupidly didn’t ask for help sitting up and nearly collapsed. The nurse told me off kindly saying they need to know these things. I do understand it’s hard to ask sometimes but it’s important we do.

I was fine physically with my first. When my eldest (now 8) started having tummy troubles in reception, her sister (4) was already here. 2 doctors said she was physically fine and 3 health visitors and a pharmacist suggested it was anxiety and she could not be referred for further help until 7. 7 is when she stopped having these issues because of a change in schools.

My middle(4) has been out of nappies including night time since 3. We had a few good years until Dec 2023, which is the month my youngest turned 1.

Someone that understands… thanks ❤️

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but I’d recommend looking into Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and seeing if any of the symptoms fit. Both your joint issues and your daughter’s inexplicable stomach problems could be linked to EDS.

I just had a quick Google and softening bones is due to a lack of Vitamin D. EDS increases your risk of low Vitamin D levels.

I’ve been the 20-something zipping around on a mobility scooter and even the 23-year-old that went to nightclubs with a zimmerframe. The more you do it, the less you notice the stares. If you need assistance, do whatever you need to do.