Kids missing school and I’m the worst mum ever.

[Hagpie]

I need advice. My oldest used to have lots of tummy issues which meant she missed school. Last year it kind of just resolved itself which is great because doctors really didn’t know what was wrong.

I was thinking great! No more missed days ….and now I’m the problem. I have had such terrible pain and weakness in my joints particularly my wrists, knuckles and knees dating back to 2017. I mean like sometimes I cannot not lift a pillow or close the palms of my hands or walk because my leg will just buckle. When I am getting the baby out of bed I will sometimes scoot on my bum down the stairs.

I had gone to the doctors and they gave me some very helpful pills but by the time I got referred to a specialist, I was heavily pregnant. The doctor told me my symptoms were very worrying and the bones in my right hand were “softening.” However being pregnant lessened some of my symptoms and besides, she said she was too scared to touch me and none of the medicines she could give me were suitable for a pregnant person. Shortly after I gave birth we had to move but it was fine as my symptoms have only showed up for one or two days a year since then. Until December 2023.

So far in 2024 my children have missed about 6 days of school because of me. I just had a good cry because they’re doing so well in school and I feel like I’m ruining it. They missed today and might not be in tomorrow because I might not be capable of walking them to school. Their dad is at work for 6am and this is inflexible.

If it’s anything like last time, I’m about 18 months from another specialist appointment if I can ever get another GP appointment in the first place. I feel like a failure and it’s really embarrassing because on the outside I look incredibly fit and on good days, have jogged the school run. I just don’t know what to do and the kids don’t understand why mummy can’t grip a brush to do their hair some days.

There has to be help out there. Def contact school/council etc. You can apply for pip which isn’t means tested.
in the interim are there any parents nearby that can help? They don’t have to be your best mate, but just a helpful mum.

Lots of the advice I'd give about where to find support with taxis etc. has already been given. Long term I think your children need to be signed up to a scheme where their transport to and from school is provided by school/LEA/council (whoever arranges this). However that might take some time to put in place; you will probably need doctor's certificates, etc.

In the meantime are there any students or even healthy retired people local to you who you could pay to walk the children to and from school? You would need their child protection paperwork so maybe someone who already has worked with young people on some way (sports club coach/helper, retired school staff, teaching student).

Please phone their schools today to explain the situation and ask if they can advise you of the next steps.

Get on to P.i.p urgently!

Have you had any x rays, @Hagpie ? When you are in a lot of pain with your knee, could your DH get you to a&e? If there is damage to the bone you need help more urgently than a GP referral.

Six days is a lot of time off school. What have you told the school when you couldn't get them in?

So if it’s expensive at school run time in an uber can they go in a bit later when the price has come down?

Speak to the school. We had a similar situation at a school I worked in. Parents doing their best, but mum was really ill and a so a member of SLT drove over to pick the children up and dropped them off every day for a week or so until transport could be sorted. We’ve also paid for taxis short term before for other parents.

First of all, hugs. You are not the worst mum ever by a long way, you are doing your best while struggling with a health problem. I know it's difficult to see a GP at the moment but you really need a diagnosis so that you can get on the right medication and manage your condition in the best way. Please start ringing the GP every morning till you get an appointment, emphasizing the pain you are in and the struggles you are having getting the kids to school etc., play up your symptoms if necessary.
I'm sure you want to be strong and manage on your own without bothering anyone, but you have reached the point where you can't do the best for your family without help.
Does your husband understand what you are going through? Could he take on more, while you get sorted out? Wishing you all the best.

Please look into the Curable app, the Tell me about your pain podcast and the Cure for Chronic Pain podcast. Chronic pain with Symptoms that come and go like this are usually neuroplastic pain. I have been there and this approach totally saved my life.

Not sure what is available in the UK, but is there a way to rent a mobility scooter for the moment? You might be able to get some government help with hiring one.

Re: all the posters suggesting that she ask for home-school transport from the LA or gets school staff to help out: I think asking for home-school transport or asking school staff to help needs to be a last resort, given the state of public finances and school morale right now. This is the sort of situation where people need to leverage their own social networks if possible to get things covered.

Can your husband not look for a new job if this is going to be the new normal. I doubt you are going to get taxis paid for 3 kids for there whole school career when their father is capable? Or else everyone with shift patterns would be eligible.

Obviously not a short term fix but longer term. As is often said on here, this is not only your problem and needs a family solution.

Sweetheart, you are not the worst Mum ever. You are struggling and it's not great the kids have missed school but you know that. You aren't doing because you aren't bothered.

There is help. You just need to as brave in RI as you have been here in saying you are struggling.

Being in chronic pain clouds your judgement. To recap what others have said.....

1. Ask for a meeting with school and see what help they can offer in the short / long term.
2. Contact your Health Visitor. They may suggest an organisation like Home Start if there is one in your area. Google and check as Home Start are amazing.
3. Do you go to a CofE church? Mother's Union may be helpful if you do
4. Get to the GP for support for your condition

These are not in any particular order. Do the ones easiest first and start the ball rolling on them all.

Take care. You can sort this.

At 4 and 8, six days off school is hardly going to make or break their future - don't beat yourself up.

Could you revisit the motorised scooter to get them to school? I'm sure people will be understanding and not judge.

You need to get some kind of diagnosis. Did I read it right that you've not been to the gp or specislist but seem to have an unknown chronic condition that flares up giving you bad days.

You dc are little- the odd day off isn't going to hurt them. You've got to get to the bottom of why you are unwell. You sound young.

Once you have a diagnosis other things that people have suggested such as disability payments etc can follow on if needed, but you must prioritise finding out what is wrong so you can start some kind of treatment.

OP is struggling and her kids are entitled to support just like anyone else, don’t be ridiculous. A child’s education is worth more than saving the local education authority a few £, that’s what we pay taxes for.

@MumChp i do have a chronic autoimmune condition that can flare with specific triggers and cause intense joint pain. When it happens you have to get into action mode and prioritise what is or isn’t going to get done. What’s the point in wearing yourself out washing Dc school uniforms if they then don’t actually get there. And I have three kids including a baby so I do know how hard it can be. I agree OP needs help but you also need to help yourself.

If something isn’t changed it’s not just going to be 6 days is it though. And the eldest has already missed a lot of school due to illness.

I’m another one who is advocating applying for PIP! It’d make a big difference.

@MaloneMeadow nor sure you realise the sad state of school funding in this country

I didn't say HS transport was something that should not be considered, only that the first port of call should be "get a mobility scooter" or "get neighbors etc. to help" etc. and that LA-provided taxis should be a last resort. HS transport has been noted as one of the biggest factors pushing councils into bankruptcy because it is really really really expensive; we should be mindful about asking for these kinds of services unless there is no alternative.

This isn't acceptable, you need to seek help because if you are unable to get your kids to school, how can you adequately care for them at home - are you expecting the school aged child to care for the baby? You need a care package it seems of some kind, your children's dad needs to prioritise their needs even if that means benefits. Speak to school, speak to social services, you aren't the only person in this situation. You need help, not your fault but you must be proactive in seeking it and also you gp needs to get you up the list for the specialist.

But think about it - the children have two parents, one of whom is in work. Why would the LEA pay for transport for the kids when their father could either change his work pattern to do school runs or pay for a childminder or taxis to get them to school? I feel for the OP but budgets are already over stretched. Local authorities can't pay for everything.

This was short term but years ago when ours were primary school aged, my husband badly broke his leg. At the time, I was working nights and wouldnt be home in time for the school drop off. We spoke to school and one of the teachers picked them up and took them to school the mornings that I was still in work. This went on for about a month until my husband could get about on crutches.
This was part of her job role as she did it for other families too when support was needed to get kids to and from school. I think she was in a student support type role.

You should speak to school to see if they can help whilst you sort something more permanent out.

Contact your gp to discuss referrals and what support might be available for you. You need to put any embarrassment aside for the sake of your kids(not that you have anything to be embarrassed about) and seek help to enable you to manage the practical day to day stuff.

Lots of great suggestions here. You need to speak to school; they want to have your children at school. Applying for PIP sounds sensible. Your local Council will have Family support services; they won't know to offer help if you don't make contact.

I do, but I also realise that a child’s education and welfare is more important over worrying about this. 6 days already missed is what most kids would miss in an entire year, probably more