Kids missing school and I’m the worst mum ever.

[Hagpie]

I need advice. My oldest used to have lots of tummy issues which meant she missed school. Last year it kind of just resolved itself which is great because doctors really didn’t know what was wrong.

I was thinking great! No more missed days ….and now I’m the problem. I have had such terrible pain and weakness in my joints particularly my wrists, knuckles and knees dating back to 2017. I mean like sometimes I cannot not lift a pillow or close the palms of my hands or walk because my leg will just buckle. When I am getting the baby out of bed I will sometimes scoot on my bum down the stairs.

I had gone to the doctors and they gave me some very helpful pills but by the time I got referred to a specialist, I was heavily pregnant. The doctor told me my symptoms were very worrying and the bones in my right hand were “softening.” However being pregnant lessened some of my symptoms and besides, she said she was too scared to touch me and none of the medicines she could give me were suitable for a pregnant person. Shortly after I gave birth we had to move but it was fine as my symptoms have only showed up for one or two days a year since then. Until December 2023.

So far in 2024 my children have missed about 6 days of school because of me. I just had a good cry because they’re doing so well in school and I feel like I’m ruining it. They missed today and might not be in tomorrow because I might not be capable of walking them to school. Their dad is at work for 6am and this is inflexible.

If it’s anything like last time, I’m about 18 months from another specialist appointment if I can ever get another GP appointment in the first place. I feel like a failure and it’s really embarrassing because on the outside I look incredibly fit and on good days, have jogged the school run. I just don’t know what to do and the kids don’t understand why mummy can’t grip a brush to do their hair some days.

you say that like its the easiest thing in the world... i walk with a stick, have 24/7 chronic pain, and occasionally even use a wheelchair.. i even have a blue badge as the council think i'm impaired enough to need one.

but i cannot get pip because i 'cope' too well as i've learned to manage my disability.

With all due respect you don't seem to be doing much to help yourself. You will not find the answers on mumsnet. You need to go back to the doctor. Be insistent. Say you cannot get your kids to school. Follow up disability allowance. Talk to the school. Your children are suffering.

Did you appeal?

Can you claim pip so that the money can be used on a carer for you and childcare for your children

You sound like me 20 years ago. My son was missing school because of me. I was then diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Please try and get a referral to a rheumatologist 💐

I don’t understand how the school can be within walking distance but cost £8.50 each way by Uber.

OP, you must surely be eligible for benefits. Contact CAB and get a claim in ASAP.

Speak to school today hopefully they can direct you to any help with transport.

Speak to GP today, prioritise getting an appointment no matter how long it takes on phone. This will ideally resolve your issue but if not hopefully get you access to support and disability benefits to afford uber.

Is it an option for 8 year old to walk to school themselves? You can support the 4 year old's learning at home when necessary until uber an option again.

in the process of, and trust me, i know how to fill those forms out, did it for my son and got enhanced rate on both first time out the gate.

OP, you absolutely need to contact the school and tell them all of this- they will do whatever it takes to get your kids into school. You should definitely be eligible for a taxi to take your kids to and from school- the council will pay. The school will help you apply for this.

Good. It’s well worth appealing (I was briefly a PIP assessor). This might be helpful.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2764894--to-give-people-assistance-with-claiming-PIP

You need a mobility scooter - I know you feel you're too young (and might be embarrassed) but honestly - your kids need to get to school and this would enable you to take them.

Find out which benefits you're entitled to and get on with sorting out a scooter.

Communicate with the school about what is happening, they maybe able to advise you but if not you are keeping them in the loop. Pester your doctor for appointments - don't be fobbed off (I've had to do this for them to start trying to sort out my ongoing fatigue). Make a PIP claim through DWP.
Citizens advice/council maybe able to help too.
Good luck!

Things you could do

1 please talk to the school. This is not unusual and they will have ideas. Some schools have students welfare officers who will pick kids up if the parent is too unwell to take them. School will have seen it all before and will be helpful

2 see your GP. This needs investigating because the doctors might be able to do something that helps. At a minimum they can prescribe painkillers.

3 you can hire wheelchairs from places like this www.wheelfreedom.com or locally your Red Cross or church may have some. Electric wheelchairs are more expensive but you can get second hand reconditioned ones quite cheaply (under 500).

4 please look into benefits. PIP can be difficult to get as it is aimed at the severely disabled and the forms can be overwhelming but ESA (employment and support allowance) is intended for people with light to moderate disability and has far fewer forms to fill in.

I am disabled with a chronic pain condition and would be happy to help advise on any of this if you pm me.

Mobility scooter
Or if i missed it a car?
You might find it easier to go back to work and put the 1yo in nursery as childcare is physically strenuous.

By 9 the eldest might be able tp walk themself depending on route

The school has a responsibility to provide an education - if a child is unable to be there as their parent is physically unable to get them there then they are not receiving that education. They have a duty of care to find ways to facilitate and accommodate a child’s ability to learn

How far from the school are you? Over a certain distance the local authority have a duty to provide transport regardless.

A friend of mine had a mobility issue for nearly 3 years, she got a motorised scooter second hand on facebook marketplace for £100 and did the school run on that. Likewise I have a recurring knee issue where I cannot bear weight at all on that side, I have a set of crutches I picked up for e19 when on holiday but our school run is only about 800m (so 1.6k round trip) so the crutches are sufficient for the days I can't walk, where my friend is about twice as far and needed the scooter every day.

OP, I'm a GP. Please get yourself to your doctor as soon as humanly possible - you need urgent investigation, diagnosis and to start treatment. It sounds like you have inflammatory arthritis and if you get onto the right medication it will make an enormous difference. The longer you go without getting proper treatment, the more permanent damage will be done to your joints. You really need to prioritise this. In the short term the GP should be able to give you a course of steroids to settle down the current flare.

And to echo a poster above, for those questioning how the OP can do household tasks in the evening but can't get her kids to school - this is the classic pattern of inflammation in rheumatoid arthritis and related conditions. Morning stiffness is a huge issue and it can take hours to get going and for the joints to loosen up.

When you were previously referred what was the conclusion? Are you still under that or was the referral closed? I'm assuming it was rheumatology you were referred to? Is it an option to call up and see if you can be seen again rather than having to wait the 18 months again?

You and your DH have been managing this but actually need some support now. Engage the school, yes they need to know about the absences and problems you are facing but then also your eldest kids may need some support with the changes in the household. I know they aren't providing personal care or anything but I'd imagine their life looks a bit different to that of their peers. Engage the GP if you can't get anywhere with the rheum clinic as above.
Have you considered having a conversation with DHs employer to see if there could be a reasonable adjustment re hours even in the short term?
And if cost is a big factor to getting the kids to school with taxis etc and you have left work due to this chronic pain then it would be helpful to start applying for benefits.

First stop and emergency appointment witj the GP. Its affecting your everyday and the pain is severe so be firm but polite when calling to ask to be out on that list. See said gp and honestly lay it out like you have in your OP and ASK for a urgent referral.

Step 2. Speak to school. There is usually a parent support person there or even the children's Headteacher. Ask them if they can put out a message on whatever parent app they use fir anyone who is walking past your house to pick up. Failing that try a local Facebook mums group. OP there are so many mums who wouldn't think twice about helping but if you don't ask how can they help?

Step 3. Explore disability help options. Local charities who pick up these kind of requests etc. When your child is missing school it's no longer about your pride in asking for help it's now about them and making sure they don't miss out because of you. - harsh but I've been where you are and people are so willing to help once they're asked.

Re all the other things- your doing great batch cooking, pre planning and organising things beforehand is a must.
Also think about any extra curricular clubs for the older kid maybe then dad could pick up on way home etc. Good luck OP and keep going. 👍

Where are you? You never know who might see this and be able to help. I'd certainly help a neighbour out in this sort of situation.

I would contact the council, you can find the details likely under the education or transport section of the council website. Or just phone the main number & they’ll put you through. I know from experience that you’ll struggle to get transport if you don’t get PIP yourself. I’m disabled on PIP & my son is in a SEN school out of area & I had a battle & had to provide a lot of paperwork why couldn’t take him & why my husband couldn’t take him.

Gather up all you medical evidence you have to support your claim & apply for PIP. Ensure you qualify everything eg instead of sometimes my knees give way write whatever is applicable to you eg my knees give way x amount of times a day, this affects me x amount of times, that affects me x amount of times. If you generalise things with often, sometimes, occasionally then they can’t allocate the points system to your answers as your sometimes could be very different to their sometimes

One of the things about chronic joint issues is that they're often (I'd say almost always) worse in the morning, so OP is doing things the only way she can.

@Hagpie I second PP about asking GP for a referral to Rheumatology. You need to find out what's going on with your body and whether there's anything that can help. Talk to the school about whether there's any help available to get your kids to school in the morning, but try not to feel bad that you're struggling to get there. It is not your fault.

I have Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, which affects my joints. Most days I'm fine, but there are days like today when I can't walk, so I know some of what you're coping with.

One of the children in ds1's class had a mum who suddenly became chronically ill. Her dh gave up his job to care for her.

Please talk to the school and your health visitor. I know its embarrassing to ask for help like this and I've been there so I understand. I've had my dc dropped off and picked up by teachers before. The school were happy to help. I also have support from the school with filling in forms for the dc as I have dyslexia. Also a mobility scooter (with baby in a baby carrier) may well be a game changer for you.

Social services organised for my ex's daughter to be taken by taxi. There wasn't anything physically wrong with her mum but she has MH issues and couldn't get out of bed to get her to school. In your situation you might get a support worker.

Your children have 2 parents. Their dad needs to make sure they get to school if you can't. Arrange a school friend to collect them and walk/drive them to school. Or a family member.

There was a mum in our old school who had CFS/ME and had mobility issues. The school was able to send out an email from her asking for volunteers to help collect her dc and walk them down the hill to school and back each day, if she couldn't leave the house.