Kids missing school and I’m the worst mum ever.

[Hagpie]

I need advice. My oldest used to have lots of tummy issues which meant she missed school. Last year it kind of just resolved itself which is great because doctors really didn’t know what was wrong.

I was thinking great! No more missed days ….and now I’m the problem. I have had such terrible pain and weakness in my joints particularly my wrists, knuckles and knees dating back to 2017. I mean like sometimes I cannot not lift a pillow or close the palms of my hands or walk because my leg will just buckle. When I am getting the baby out of bed I will sometimes scoot on my bum down the stairs.

I had gone to the doctors and they gave me some very helpful pills but by the time I got referred to a specialist, I was heavily pregnant. The doctor told me my symptoms were very worrying and the bones in my right hand were “softening.” However being pregnant lessened some of my symptoms and besides, she said she was too scared to touch me and none of the medicines she could give me were suitable for a pregnant person. Shortly after I gave birth we had to move but it was fine as my symptoms have only showed up for one or two days a year since then. Until December 2023.

So far in 2024 my children have missed about 6 days of school because of me. I just had a good cry because they’re doing so well in school and I feel like I’m ruining it. They missed today and might not be in tomorrow because I might not be capable of walking them to school. Their dad is at work for 6am and this is inflexible.

If it’s anything like last time, I’m about 18 months from another specialist appointment if I can ever get another GP appointment in the first place. I feel like a failure and it’s really embarrassing because on the outside I look incredibly fit and on good days, have jogged the school run. I just don’t know what to do and the kids don’t understand why mummy can’t grip a brush to do their hair some days.

You'd expect the school to pay for taxis rather than you and your husband pay? Why?!

No they (almost certainly) won't

I really don't think you understand what a'duty of care' means or what legal and financial obligations schools actually have towards children. You're confidently asserting things that are not true.

You need to discuss this with the school, to see if there is anything that could be put in place to help your children. Poor attendance is a safeguarding red flag and they will appreciate you having the conversation with them.

Meanwhile you confidently assert that this is nothing to do with the school and instead people should feel sorry for daring to ask for their help as they’re on a tight budget. Why are you so bothered? OP isn’t asking for taxi money out of your own pocket!

Absolutely chase your GP up - if the consultant was concerned previously that your bones were soft then this constitutes an appointment priority with a consultant, not a routine referral. Do you have a letter from the consultation you had?

Definitely talk to the school - they may have a family support worker who can signpost you to additional support.

Also apply for PIP - it can take a while so get the ball rolling now.

Most importantly don't beat yourself up, you are doing your best in a really tough situation.

Speak to school inclusion officer or outreach worker to see what options may be available. It seems you need to prioritise getting them to school for their socialisation and well-being as much as yours. There may be other families nearby who could walk with them/you, a childminder or even a walking bus scheme. Are you registered with a gp now?

If you'd care to peruse this document from the DfE, you will find that I am, in fact, right.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/65e8ae343649a2001aed63aa/Summary_table_of_responsibilities_for_school_attendance__applies_from_19_August_2024_.pdf

I will say it again. School is not the priority here. You need to get a diagnosis and start treatment.

Okay everyone a bit more about me. I am a typically very confident, bubbly and active 30 year old. I always think if I struggle it’s because I’m not trying hard enough and that’s why I think I’ve let things get this way. I’ve cut back … everything. I haven’t hosted any of my friends or seen any of my friends so far this year. I can barely get past my stretches little less go back to this time last year where I was thinking about marathon training. I was going back to do my A-levels ironically in hopes I could make it to be a GP myself and now my fingers won’t type before the kids are awake or on my days off, for a job I no longer attend.

I’ll be okay no matter how my life goes I’ll just make the best of it but the school thing has been horrific. We have put so much effort into their schooling like my 8 year old does year 5/6 spellings daily and my 4 year old is also miles ahead. Messing up their education is not an option; it is really really important to me. I just don’t know how things could have been so different 6 months ago when I went to bed stressed but so satisfied with life.

We do get a UC top-up but my partner quitting is not an option. The benefit cap is £1666 and our rent is £1400 going up to £1700 in July. There is just no way to balance the books. We struggled to find a place when our income was £4k a month and no one is going to rent to people who will definitely will have difficulty paying on much less. We have looked into transferring DH’s job up North but it’s a pay cut and the numbers remain largely the name proportionately. Like we don’t drive (we used to live in London and it was pointless but he is learning ). We have a mate that lives round the corner and flat-out refuses to take money for picking up him up and dropping him to work. He will even return money we leave in his car and this saves us £200 p/m.

Another job in the area will be a pay cut and we would no longer be able to afford DH’s therapy for things that happened to him in his childhood (£220 every 4 weeks). This therapy has meant that he can now hold a job in the first place (2.5 years going!) as I historically have been the bread-winner/sole earner. He has had two promotions and now cannot take last minute days off to support me like before. He can now do things like leave the house without me and I really can’t stress how much he needs this.

The kindness in the comments this morning made me cry like a baby but also take action. I am expecting a call back from the doctors and also the school. Thank you.

You need proper medical treatment. It's a disgrace that you have to wait 18 months and I hope you hear back soon. Have they run inflammatory blood markers at least?

Right… but why can’t you use a mobility scooter to get them to school?

Sounds like Rheumatoid Arthritis. Which I have and your symptoms sound similar to my flares.
I was diagnosed 2 months after giving birth - and I've never been well since.
Steroids help in the interim - request some more. While they need to do full bloods and go and see a Rheumatologist. (I went private to speed it up)

I'm now semi functional, on shit loads of injections weekly but I'm able to function

With UC, as you say you’re already claiming for the top up, you can get premiums on top of the standard rates if you have a long term illness and/or disability. You need to get a fit note (reality is it’s a sick note) from your doctor and should get increased premiums as you are not working due to your health. Criteria varies maybe depending on borough, but if registered disabled you may also get discount on council tax. Do you get free school meals for the children?

It’s easier to say than do but tell people- friends, family. Get help from everywhere you can and don’t feel you’re failing, you’re not, you’re just in need of a bit of help x

Just wanted to say well done OP. That is a horrible situation (really awful) and I’m so glad this thread has helped you reach out for support x

Eh? They are not mutually exclusive. School is absolutely a priority for her children. She cannot ignore that whilst waiting for a diagnosis.

Before I got my wheelchair prescribed I bought a mobility scooter of eBay, you can buy a basic one 2nd for about £250. Is that an option?

I'm glad you are looking for help with this, @Hagpie - it sounds like an awful situation for you.

Contact your local adult social care team and ask for an needs assessment...they are not just for old people....
Also apply for Personal Independent Payments (PIP) you can do it online but i would really recommend getting help with it as there is a way of writing them .. try CAB
Are you being seen by health/ specialists..?

I don’t HAVE a mobility scooter nor £500+ for one. DH has missed a couple days to take care of all of us and take the kids into school himself, so we will actually have less money next month too.

If your childrens school have a year WhatsApp group please ask on there if anyone can take your child to school because you are struggling with illness right now. This happens in my DCs WhatsApp group and there are always lots of people volunteering to do it - no one looks down on them or judges them and there is always someone who would be happy to help.

I could swing £250! Not next month but the one after maybe. I’ll definitely take a look thank you.

I know things are tough but you need to get your kids to school. It us not optional especially as tge eldest has missed so much already with a mystery stomach complaint.
This problem started 3 or 4 months ago abd you haven't even called the GP!!! You are not pregnant now, maybe you could at least take some stronger painkillers?
You could pick up a second hand mobility scooter for a couple of hundred.
If its only 6 days in a term , then the price of an user may be affordable.maybe your dh could cut down his therapy and prioritise his kids education?
Also he could emergency time off for carers to get his kids to school when you have a flare up?This is a legally enshrined right

Can you hire a mobility scooter, Red Cross may have some?