Kids missing school and I’m the worst mum ever.

[Hagpie]

I need advice. My oldest used to have lots of tummy issues which meant she missed school. Last year it kind of just resolved itself which is great because doctors really didn’t know what was wrong.

I was thinking great! No more missed days ….and now I’m the problem. I have had such terrible pain and weakness in my joints particularly my wrists, knuckles and knees dating back to 2017. I mean like sometimes I cannot not lift a pillow or close the palms of my hands or walk because my leg will just buckle. When I am getting the baby out of bed I will sometimes scoot on my bum down the stairs.

I had gone to the doctors and they gave me some very helpful pills but by the time I got referred to a specialist, I was heavily pregnant. The doctor told me my symptoms were very worrying and the bones in my right hand were “softening.” However being pregnant lessened some of my symptoms and besides, she said she was too scared to touch me and none of the medicines she could give me were suitable for a pregnant person. Shortly after I gave birth we had to move but it was fine as my symptoms have only showed up for one or two days a year since then. Until December 2023.

So far in 2024 my children have missed about 6 days of school because of me. I just had a good cry because they’re doing so well in school and I feel like I’m ruining it. They missed today and might not be in tomorrow because I might not be capable of walking them to school. Their dad is at work for 6am and this is inflexible.

If it’s anything like last time, I’m about 18 months from another specialist appointment if I can ever get another GP appointment in the first place. I feel like a failure and it’s really embarrassing because on the outside I look incredibly fit and on good days, have jogged the school run. I just don’t know what to do and the kids don’t understand why mummy can’t grip a brush to do their hair some days.

Are you being honest when you call the school? They may be able to help. Do you live near? A teacher may be able to walk over and collect them.

can you invest in one of these, expensive but you might be able to get a second hand or reconditioned one:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Livewell-Portable-Travel-Mobility-Scooter/dp/B07B4HQSPR/ref=mpssa1112?crid=3MMHND9HTQRXL&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.gS5aoYYmNy4F7EtTJkXELsjTy3NVpy3KPcIJaSMvG5TcVNmtNi8BRrzyqzycAeazsfqAqkscKcqab13YpchmhyCcJNqtQ-iJXCIA1MVQvLrzzGKiR6TVrZ683YOQndju9ehjDQ-wNocpbQ5qfjeonhjPmZr0eLyWqpPu6NbJ3OoaXgzB1W0wnMh7rY6ecO8yyd9CXW80fxUqSGzwrr7Zw.r-OkCj3G1OlHwfrdxo6qNKreq0Jr3xlYzxtxDmzSQI&dibbtag=se&keywords=electric+mobility+scooter&qid=1710907980&sprefix=electric+mobility+scooter%2Caps%2C77&sr=8-12

I'm sorry you are going through this op, it sounds so tough.

I think the first step is to speak to school. They may be able to signpost you to agencies that can help. It is best to be upfront with them.

I have two family members who have chronic pain illnesses and I know that the mornings are so tough. Even with extra sleep they don't feel good in the morning. Maybe you are doing too much in the evenings when you feel a bit better?

@VashtaNerada I think you're being very unrealistic suggesting a teacher could help with the collection of the children. I can't think of anyone I work with who would have the time in the morning to go and do this.

You need to apply for PIP immediately. You may be entitled to some help which would help with transport.

You aren't likely to be entitled to funded school transport but you must discuss the issue with school. Missing school because you can't walk is a huge problem and the school need to know about it. Have you been lying about why they haven't been in?

can you get a mobility scooter for the school run? Strap baby into a sling? I know scooters are expensive but it's worth it for your independence if you could somehow borrow money to get one?

You need a mobility scooter then, surely?

They’ve missed 6 days of school this year and you haven’t even been to see the GP? Or called the council/school? It sounds like you’re not prioritising your health or their schooling.

I imagine OP this illness is so difficult to accept. How frustrating for you that it’s come to this, especially as it sounds like you’re generally healthy.

You’ve got to stop being so hard on yourself and start reaching out for help, firstly speak to the school. Ask on Facebook about childminders who might for a lesser fee than an Uber take your kids to school.

You should deffo apply for a PIP and omg get yourself to the GP. You’ve got this, as with everything else you’ll get there. It all sounds so challenging.

The reason your symptoms will have eased in pregnancy is because the placenta produces natural steroids in massive doses. I have Crohn’s disease and arthritis and pregnancy was when I felt most well. All went downhill after though. You need to speak to your GP for a referral to a rheumatologist, apply for PIP and if you’re claiming UC, ask for a work capability assessment.

Do you have a school social media page for parents? Could you post on there to reach out to other parents who maybe willing to help.

A parent did this in my child's school and as I passed their house on my own walk to school with my own children, I was more than happy to pick her kids up on the way.

I teach at a secondary so realise it's a little different, but if you contacted my school and explain we would either pay for a taxi to bring your children in /home or use the school minibus. We have plenty of students that are taxied in for non-send reasons as we have such an issue with attendance. I would honestly reach out and explain.

This sounds so difficult for you. I work in education, and I urge you to speak to the school. They should have a pastoral/family person who will be able to point you in the direction of support. I hope you get something sorted both health wise and transport ❤️

What have you told the school when they’ve not gone to school? They need to be aware as they can make referrals for additional support. You also need to see your GP and start applying for disability benefits as you are unable to function on a day to day basis.

In the short term can you explore your support networks to see if anyone can pick the kids up and drop them off? You’re not asking for a large amount of childcare so there may be people who could do this. How far is the school and do they have a before school club? There might be a local teenager who could walk them to ‘early birds’ before going to their own school.

In the long term, Dad will need to look at changing his job so he is able to do this on the days you can’t.

I'm really sorry for your pain. It's awful to live with such pain.

My thoughts are that you should firstly explain to the school- they may have ideas from other parents in the situation.

It’s too expensive to Uber it for us at the moment as it’s £30-£35 a day and I no longer work. could you consider phoning a mini cab firm and asking how much they would charge a week to do the same thing? Or a month. You may find it's cheaper than uber.

Finally, if this is a long term situation, which it sounds like it is, then your DH may need to consider switching jobs so he can facilitate a drop off to school.

Tell the school the truth. Perhaps someone who works there (who will be DBS checked etc) can help.

You can only do what you can do - I’m of the opinion that a few days or even weeks of missed school is no big deal. But the school will have an interest in improving attendance for sure.

I’ so sorry you are in so much pain. Your kids are safe and I assume happy, don’t beat yourself up about school.

How can you say that to a mother who is doing her best? My guess is that you do not live with a chronic debilitating disease. It is very unkind.

Your children have a right to an education. You need to make a big shift in your mindset. Start by asking the school for help. They may well have a solution for you. Your children’s right to an education is extremely important and must take priority.

How far away is school? Must be too far to walk if it’s so much in a taxi?

Buy or rent a motorised wheelchair. Not sure why you haven’t if the issue is walking.

She used Uber. At the time, there would be surge pricing.

Why don't you get a wheelchair? Like an I missing something. If you can't walk then you need a wheelchair

I'd be getting an electric scooter or bike or electric bike or wheelchair if I had to, your kids need this education

Have you been properly diagnosed? This sounds like possible rheumatoid arthritis and if so there are medications that can help but you need to see a rheumatologist. Can you go back to GP and push for a referral? They can't just leave you like this!!

I think you need to go back to the GP ASAP - it sounds like you don’t have a diagnosis? And speak to the school. How long is your journey?

In defence of that poster I live with severe chronic pain and agree with this. If I was having too much of a flare to even be able to take my child to school (which needs to be the absolute priority for their education and welfare) then no way would I be standing there cooking dinner and doing the washing, never mind just sitting back and refusing to ask for help out of fear of ‘embarrassment’. In these situations you have to swallow your pride

Speak to the sen department at the school as fir health reasons within a famiky. The local LA provide transport for the children.