DD(13) saying she doesn’t want to come on holiday with us next week

[PinkCamellia]

I posted earlier about an upcoming trip to Iceland but thought this warranted a separate post. I don’t normally make a fuss of my birthday but as it’s my 40th and it’s been a really difficult few years, I’ve booked for me and teen/young adult DC to go for four days to Iceland.

At the time I booked, DD wanted us to go to a particular European country and was upset with me for choosing Iceland. Since then, she periodically says she doesn’t want to come and has even cried at the thought of coming. She says she doesn’t want to do any of the activities I’m planning and there’s nothing she wants to do there. I’ve tried selling it to her that we’ll eat nice food, so interesting things, be in beautiful scenery but she says she doesn’t care about any of that.

I’m so worried about her at the moment. Since hitting 13, things have unraveled for her. She’s completely stopped attending school and does nothing except play on her computer with her friends. She has no interests except gaming and baking and she’s put on a lot of weight in a short time. I feel like she must be depressed but she says she’s not. I think she might be ASD and we are awaiting an assessment.

What do I do? It won’t be the same without her and I worry she will regret not coming but equally the prospect of dragging her round or being stuck in the hotel with her doesn’t feel great either. Feeling really stressed and sad that my birthday won’t be what I hoped. And of course so worried about DD 😔

Personally at 13 I don’t think family holidays should be something she can opt out of, my ASD son would rather stay home than join us but we would never let that be an option for him or he would miss out on so many things.
This is one of these things she is just going to have to do no matter how reluctant, once she’s there she may surprise you.

Oh gosh OP, I don't have any answers I'm afraid. That sounds really difficult.

Is the she the type that will perk up once you're there? I think only you can know that.

If you had other company or it was a different situation it would be easier to suggest leaving her at home. But something like this could either be just what she needs to come out of her shell, or be a nightmare for both you and her. I can see why you're twitchy.

Honestly, I think she just needs to go without an option not to. 13 is too young unless someone is able to fully watch over her?

Where/with whom is she proposing to stay if she’s not on holiday with you?

'does nothing except play on her computer with her friends. She has no interests except gaming'

Well that's a major problem and her mind is being fucked up by gaming and excessive time on the computer.

Lock it away.

If she won't go to school why is she allowed to game?

13 is too young to be making that decision. Perhaps she needs some time away from the gaming, doing stuff as a family, to help her find some thing outside what she’s doing at the moment. People expect teenagers to be adventurous but often it is the opposite. They are very risk averse and home centred- especially girls!

I agree with pp - she just needs to go with a good attitude and give it a go. It's not an option at 13. My ASD 12yo would rather not leave her bedroom if she had a choice, but that would not be good for her.

Maybe she won't love everything but it's only 4 days and presumably some of the time she can relax on her phone / listen to music or whatever.

Spoilt. Sorry. She wanted another country and now she is fuzzy?

I would consider to leave her at home supervised by a grandparent or another responsible adult and go for the holiday.

Tbh I would lock the computer away and let her earn screentime. It does no good for her to get trapped in a rabbithole of gaming and YouTube.

At 13 you go on the family holiday. It's not up for debate it's booked and your birthday celebration. Iceland is fantastic and fascinating. I defy her to be underwhelmed by the northern lights (not guaranteed I know).

It’s a bit mean of you to disregard her views when you booked the trip. Can you promise a holiday to a destination that she likes next time if she participates in this holiday?

You're the parent

She doesn't have a choice.

My ds 15 hs suspected ASD.. Holidays he can earn time staying back alone in the accommodation by agreeing to take part in some trips /activities.. Would this work. He knows staying home isn't an option because there is no one willing to watch him!!

It’s her 40th birthday!

Are you a single parent or did you book as a special mother daughter outing?

either way it’s sad she is making a fuss about going and spending time with you. I would point this out quite bluntly to her and explain how it hurts your feelings. Especially as it’s for your birthday. If she is ASD (and even if not) this makes clear how this behaviour makes you feel.

as an aside, the computer is doing her no favours. Get rid of it. My son would happily skip school if he thought I’d let him play online all day!

Eh? Since when does a 13 year old get to dictate the location of a family holiday booked to mark their mother's significant birthday?

Bring her along. 13 isn't old enough to make a properly informed decision IMO, and so she'll risk missing out on some great experiences. Last year my 12yo saw her arse about going to Berlin as all her mates were on AI pool holidays. We dragged her along, she fell in love with the vibe and declared it the best holiday ever.

This and also

She’s completely stopped attending school and does nothing except play on her computer with her friends. She has no interests except gaming and baking
wtf?! Why are you allowing her not to attend school and then game instead? If she doesnt go to school, she doesn't get to be faming etc. gaming is addictive. She is a child. You need to parent her better.

and youve booked a holiday when she should be at school as well?

Bring her along, 13 is too young to choose. Also you need to nip gaming into touch - I have gaming youngsters one with asd who tried to refuse school and it was touch at that age but the WiFi was controlled by me and no school meant no WiFi (phones didn't have much data enabled and I controlled the accounts) - you need to be the parent. Camhs backed me up in tough love too

In fairness OP, you have much more significant problems than a sulky teen!

I started off thinking bloody hell, crying because she doesn't want to go on holiday to Iceland 🙄 but then you go on to say she's stopped going to school and doesn't do anything other than gaming? The problem is far more serious than where you go on holiday.

You are the parent, she doesn’t get to choose. If you can afford another break in the next year or so maybe let her have her location so she can help plan that holiday. But stay strong, she’s going on this holiday because she’s 13 and doesn’t get to opt out.

Gosh there are some awful replies on this thread. The op's dd is waiting for an autism assessment. The majority of children who can't cope with school have SEN.

I'm sorry, but I don't think the holiday should be your main priority at all! Yes, you've had a crap year, but your 13 year old daughter isn't going to school and is allowed to sit on her game all day, chatting to her friends? Are they all skipping their education too? I think instead of concentrating on "special" holidays, you need to be communicating with the school and getting her back there! And removing the games console until she tows the line! She's 13, you're the parent, are you scared of her or over-compensating for some reason? Absolute madness!

You clearly know nothing about autism.