DD(13) saying she doesn’t want to come on holiday with us next week

[PinkCamellia]

I posted earlier about an upcoming trip to Iceland but thought this warranted a separate post. I don’t normally make a fuss of my birthday but as it’s my 40th and it’s been a really difficult few years, I’ve booked for me and teen/young adult DC to go for four days to Iceland.

At the time I booked, DD wanted us to go to a particular European country and was upset with me for choosing Iceland. Since then, she periodically says she doesn’t want to come and has even cried at the thought of coming. She says she doesn’t want to do any of the activities I’m planning and there’s nothing she wants to do there. I’ve tried selling it to her that we’ll eat nice food, so interesting things, be in beautiful scenery but she says she doesn’t care about any of that.

I’m so worried about her at the moment. Since hitting 13, things have unraveled for her. She’s completely stopped attending school and does nothing except play on her computer with her friends. She has no interests except gaming and baking and she’s put on a lot of weight in a short time. I feel like she must be depressed but she says she’s not. I think she might be ASD and we are awaiting an assessment.

What do I do? It won’t be the same without her and I worry she will regret not coming but equally the prospect of dragging her round or being stuck in the hotel with her doesn’t feel great either. Feeling really stressed and sad that my birthday won’t be what I hoped. And of course so worried about DD 😔

I would cut free gaming and set a daily amount of work according to child's level of learning if she has left school for a while because of special needs. Not a free ride to stay at home.

"It’s a bit mean of you to disregard her views when you booked the trip. Can you promise a holiday to a destination that she likes next time if she participates in this holiday?"

She's 13 and her mum is paying for them to go to bloody Iceland for a milestone birthday. The reason she's sulking is because at 13 years old, many kids turn into absolute gobshites, particularly when they're allowed to game all day and refuse school.

Ducking hell the ablism is genuinely shocking

I went on my dream holiday for my 40th with my two teens. I was worried they had ruined it as the older one had boy been great on our previous holiday.
I sat them down. Explained that they didn't need to come on any more holidays after that one but that I had paid for it now, it was expensive so it was really important that they behaved and tried their best because otherwise it would ruin my dream holiday that I had saved for for 2 years. I told them I wanted us to have a great time together as it would be our last family holiday.
Cards on the table so they knew what was at stake. We had an amazing time.

This!!! At 13, this shouldn’t even be a consideration. She goes on the holiday.
As others have said, it sounds like she needs time away from the games. Many children would do this if they could but it’s not good for them.

This is half of what’s wrong with the world today. Let’s let children run everything and decide what’s good for them shall we?

I think she sounds like a very unhappy girl who needs help. The holiday issue is a total distraction from the actual problems.

"Ducking hell the ablism is genuinely shocking"

Is it? As far as the OP says her daughter has had nothing diagnosed and denies there being any depression or anything like that. It's pretty well documented that there's an issue with teens doing this, especially since covid.

And parents are worrying excessively, insisting there's something that's undiagnosed, to the point that they are terrified of removing the one thing that is causing all of this. The games console.

If she has been referred and accepted onto the waiting list for an autism assessment, someone other than the parents thinks that autism is likely.

But kiddo is able to travel if she picks the country. So autism here depends on destination.

"Ducking hell the ablism is genuinely shocking"

It’s not ableist to say if a child is refusing to go to school they don’t get to sit on their computer all day gaming. Struggling with school is one thing, an alternative mind numbing activity is quite another. My DD struggles at school, she knows if she’s home it’s old fashioned books etc, no screens including tv because if she thought she’d have her phone and computer she’d never choose to go to school.

At 13 the holiday is non-negotiable and I’d be very clear about the behaviour I expected from her while we were away. She’d be able to “earn” screen time through involvement with holiday activities, with a schedule so she knows when there will be down time.

It’s long and complicated but I’m a lone parent (XH is abusive and doesn’t bother at all with his kids) so we’ve all experienced significant trauma. My middle DC is autistic (diagnosed yr8) and similarly school refused from year 7. After a long and difficult battle, we got her an early college placement and things have been a complete turnaround for her. I have been here before battling the authorities for help with nothing being forthcoming and I’m exhausted from getting her to this point and now it’s all starting again with my youngest. I already know how this plays out and I am trying to work with the school but nothing we’ve tried has worked.

I know she shouldn’t have so much screen time and I’m fairly sure it’s an addiction at this point. I encourage her to do other things and she really enjoys cooking and baking but whilst agreeable to doing other things like going for a walk, she won’t leave when it’s time to go.

I paid for her to do counselling but she stopped going after three sessions. Obviously I know I have bigger problems (honestly, when I say tough few years, its been hell at times as I’m also doing a renovation as we could only afford a doer upper with my share of the divorce, I’m desperately trying to look for better paid work and I’m still reeling from my last ex immediately shacking up with my best friend) so it felt really important to do something significant for my birthday.

I’ve told her we can go to the country she wants to visit next summer as it’s better in summer anyway. She’s saying I knew she didn’t want to go, there is nowhere she would have been happy to travel to, she didn’t choose to be born or for me to be her mother. Essentially, this is my fault and she doesn’t see why she should have to go. She will stay with my parents if she doesn’t come. I’m honesty not sure I could force her even if I wanted to.

She sound a bit of a brat, with too many choices tbh.

oh dear. Try doing a bit of reading about autism. Your ignorance is worrying.

I wouldn’t force her to go if you have an alternative and if there’s a likelihood she will be a silly brat out there and spoil it.
go, enjoy it and hope she feels regretful when you get back.

You can't force a 13 yo on holiday. Forget about it but don't reward her for being fuzzy.

You can enforce screen time and everyday life.

We have autism in the family so don't worry about my knowledge.

She’s saying I knew she didn’t want to go, there is nowhere she would have been happy to travel to, she didn’t choose to be born or for me to be her mother.

I’d be coming down hard on that attitude tbh, autism or not it’s not ok for her to be speaking to you like that. My DD has complex needs, with autism likely in the mix. While I do a lot to support her and I know it can be difficult to separate what’s behavioural and what’s developmental, there are boundaries around what I’m prepared to accept in terms of push back from her. That would have been nipped in the bud.

Think what the holiday would be like if she went - it would be horrible for you and you would have spent so much money on it. I would let her stay at home with your parents if they agree to it and have a relaxing time. I bet you could do with that.

Your ex and ex best friend are complete and utter bastards and I hope they get their comeuppance soon.

I started reading your post and thought Iceland is pretty trendy, she can show off at school about it and you just need to get her involved in planning on social media. Then I saw she probably has asd and is school refusing. Iceland's going to be a massive culture shock. I would be very relaxed and just double check she's sure she doesn't want to come, just subtly make sure she knows there's no promise for her to go to her preferred holiday next. Then in the nicest way I'd enjoy the break from the joys of teenagehood and see her when she gets back. Unless you can find her an Iceland related special interest in the next week of course. Do you have a friend to go in her place?

I’m pretty sure she’s autistic and not just because of the holiday. Many of my immediate family are diagnosed and I’m wondering about myself.

She’s just come to me sobbing saying she can’t go and she’ll hate it but if she doesn’t come she’ll feel guilty. I explained to her that sometimes life throws difficult decisions at us and we have to weigh up what to do according to our own set of morals, that whilst I will try to persuade her to come, I won’t force her and that I can’t make the decision for her. She’s gone to her room to think about it.

It’s so much stress. I’ve avoided booking much except the basics and still have outdoor clothing to buy but I’m putting it off until I know if she’s coming.

Could she be worried about being on her period while you are away, and not knowing how she will deal with it on a bus trip to see the waterfalls or whatever. Not to minimise the other issues you have, but that is a fairly common worry at that age, which could be magnified 100fold in someone with ASD.

I know you’ve said you encourage her to do other things but turn off the Wi-Fi and get her off the computer. It is an addiction and she’s even less likely to get back to school or to progress in any way if she’s allowed to sit gaming all day. You are the parent and parents have to be firm. Don’t give choices.

With regards the holiday, I don’t think it matters personally whether she goes or not. You have someone to leave her with and may benefit from a break if she stays behind, so leave her if this will help everyone.

(And to reassure you, you will not miss out on trips etc, we went this February half term and just booked everything when we were there.)

Why is not attending school an option for her?