DD(13) saying she doesn’t want to come on holiday with us next week

[PinkCamellia]

I posted earlier about an upcoming trip to Iceland but thought this warranted a separate post. I don’t normally make a fuss of my birthday but as it’s my 40th and it’s been a really difficult few years, I’ve booked for me and teen/young adult DC to go for four days to Iceland.

At the time I booked, DD wanted us to go to a particular European country and was upset with me for choosing Iceland. Since then, she periodically says she doesn’t want to come and has even cried at the thought of coming. She says she doesn’t want to do any of the activities I’m planning and there’s nothing she wants to do there. I’ve tried selling it to her that we’ll eat nice food, so interesting things, be in beautiful scenery but she says she doesn’t care about any of that.

I’m so worried about her at the moment. Since hitting 13, things have unraveled for her. She’s completely stopped attending school and does nothing except play on her computer with her friends. She has no interests except gaming and baking and she’s put on a lot of weight in a short time. I feel like she must be depressed but she says she’s not. I think she might be ASD and we are awaiting an assessment.

What do I do? It won’t be the same without her and I worry she will regret not coming but equally the prospect of dragging her round or being stuck in the hotel with her doesn’t feel great either. Feeling really stressed and sad that my birthday won’t be what I hoped. And of course so worried about DD 😔

Your situation sounds so difficult.

She may have autism but she also has PTSD because of her abusive dad.

She refuses school as did you other dc, but you managed to turn things around for other dc.

I'd cancel the trip tbh.

Save the money and try to get to the bottom how to best help your dd.

You are a family, the trip really does not matter in the greater scheme of things. Cancel it.

What is your job OP? I only ask to see if you need WIFI all 24/7 at home.

You could turn the WIFI off between certain hour or say to your dc you can no longer allow games to be access on the WIFI as your contract doesn't allow it or something.

Having the choice between school and an education versus gaming, most people will chose the non-challenging gaming at home. Limit WIFI access.

Look for hobbies your dc does enjoy where she doesn't have to mask.

I would NOT force her to go on this trip. It sounds a bit ambitious given the circumstances. Show your dd that you are there fore her but do not indulge the gaming it's highly addictive.

Glad your youngest coped better than expected and while you might not think it was the best holiday at least it was an experience of a lifetime!
How was the dog ,hope ok ?

I can see me post was a RTFT faux pas.

Happy birthday OP, you did amazing taking your 3 dc and giving them an experience. You were also brave because teens, NT or ND are huge pains, especially on holiday when they haven't got the space they usually have and may be tired and stressed. They will probably say it was amazing in a few years. You are braver than me! Better times ahead, I'm sure. Your dc sound very lovely though, just teenagers with all that it entails and also struggling with ND. You should get yourself a pretty brilliant reward for all this and go out and celebrate with friends only. 🎂💝

Lucky you went when you did @PinkCamellia

I’m really so so grateful for all the advice, kind words and birthday wishes! I woke up this morning feeling really down and regretful about it all but after a really nice chat with DD1, I realised I was being a bit ridiculous. In hindsight and now I’ve had a chance to decompress from the stress of organising and trying to keep everyone happy, I can see it was an amazing trip and I’m feeling really grateful to have been able to go experience it with my kids.

Usually when we’re all together, we laugh a lot and enjoy each others’ company but I guess due to the stress, tiredness, illness and more intense time together, everyone was a little huffy and grumpy. But! We never had any proper arguments, we were all just a little snappy and eye-roly with each other at times which I can now see is a massive win in the circumstances! Thanks to PP who point out that everyone experiences this on holiday with teens - that helps to put it into perspective. @AlpenOats, i found your post really helpful in reminding me that it was an achievement to holiday alone with them. I avoided holidays for years partly because I was too scared to go alone with them but now I know I can do it.

I’d probably go on holiday with them all again in a few years but select the destination together and book a couple of extra nights to allow for the flights/travelling to make more of the time there. In the meantime, I’m considering travelling separately with DDs later this year as they both like different things and requested different destinations.

Thanjs again everyone. Your words really helped me appreciate how lucky I was to be able to do this. Although I’m so gutted we just missed the eruption which would really have topped the trip as a once in a lifetime experience. Despite how it’s been reported on the news, the Icelanders seem fairly sanguine about eruptions and it hasn’t affected the airports so I don’t think it would have caused us any problems. Would have been an amazing sight!

Wonderful to hear you speaking so positively @PinkCamellia and I hope you have many lovely holidays with the DC ahead.

Maybe you will go back and see the fissure eruption at a later point.

You sound like a brilliant mum! That's all that matters.

My SD14 is autistic and there's a very good chance my husband and I both are too although we're undiagnosed. So is my nephew. School isn't optional. If you have anxiety relating to ASD then, as a parent, you organise therapy to run alongside school. Having a child with ASD doesn't mean you can opt out of setting consistent and clear boundaries- and getting up and going to school is a hard boundary. I've taken my 4yo to preschool in her PJs because she decided she didn't want to go one day- she never tried it again.

Hax the attendance officer done a home visit ? Its illegal to not send your child to xchool.
You need to sort this out promptly
Holidays come second, sorry.

This! I'm quite worried by the number of people who think that because the child possibly has ASD she should get to choose not to participate in education. It's ableist to suggest that because a child has ASD they don't need to be educated; they have a legal right to a education and the parent has a legal responsibility to make sure they get it.

But an education doesn’t mean attending school, or anything that looks like school.

No, it doesn't, but in this case the OP has implied they are not homeschooling and her daughter has just dropped out to play video games.

School refusal is very complex. I doubt it’s simply a case of “oh I can’t be bothered”.

Yes it is, but you can't just accept that a 13 yo isn't going to school and move on with your life, and you have to make it clear to the child that there are consequences at home for not going- number 1 would be not having access to devices if you have chosen not to go to school. The school should be working with the parents to make reasonable adjustments as well. Everyone has to do things that are hard or make them anxious. Avoiding them only escalates the problem.

Happy 40th birthday 🎂

You made the effort to go, hurray !
Otherwise you would have been thinking, what if ?

This is really poor advice for EBSA and goes against the recommended approach which is to remove all pressure.