DD(13) saying she doesn’t want to come on holiday with us next week

[PinkCamellia]

I posted earlier about an upcoming trip to Iceland but thought this warranted a separate post. I don’t normally make a fuss of my birthday but as it’s my 40th and it’s been a really difficult few years, I’ve booked for me and teen/young adult DC to go for four days to Iceland.

At the time I booked, DD wanted us to go to a particular European country and was upset with me for choosing Iceland. Since then, she periodically says she doesn’t want to come and has even cried at the thought of coming. She says she doesn’t want to do any of the activities I’m planning and there’s nothing she wants to do there. I’ve tried selling it to her that we’ll eat nice food, so interesting things, be in beautiful scenery but she says she doesn’t care about any of that.

I’m so worried about her at the moment. Since hitting 13, things have unraveled for her. She’s completely stopped attending school and does nothing except play on her computer with her friends. She has no interests except gaming and baking and she’s put on a lot of weight in a short time. I feel like she must be depressed but she says she’s not. I think she might be ASD and we are awaiting an assessment.

What do I do? It won’t be the same without her and I worry she will regret not coming but equally the prospect of dragging her round or being stuck in the hotel with her doesn’t feel great either. Feeling really stressed and sad that my birthday won’t be what I hoped. And of course so worried about DD 😔

The added problem is cut off dates. For example NHS only assess for ADHD between the ages of 6 and 11, wait list 1-3yrs so you may need to have them on no later than 8.

Thats a nightmare particularly given young people often start to struggle entering high school. Here the NHS still assess into teens thankfully.

And yes, I see what you mean, pursuing diagnosis is important - it’s not about labelling, it opens so many doors to support that otherwise wouldn’t be available.

And yes, I’m doing ok thanks, luckily I have support and can find my way through the various systems. Hope you also are doing well.

She's 13 she's going. No argument. You are the parent. Give her the choice, she can enjoy a unique experience or she can mope and whinge those are her choices.
I took my son at 15 to Spain, he didn't want to come with us and spent the bulk of the time dressed all in black and sulking underneath whatever beachside tree he could find. The penultimate day he finally put on a swimming costume and went in the sea only to complain bitterly that we were going home the next day

@Jellycatspyjamas

Shows exactly what you were saying about the systems varying across the U.K. doesn’t it!!

I think the main thing is that parents are aware of what is going on in their own area via school/nhs/local charity advice.

I’m ok, could sleep for a week! 😂

Looking forward to having this initial push of labour done and the cogs turning a bit more smoothly. The DC are largely oblivious to everything going on on their behalf!!

Looking forward to having this initial push of labour done and the cogs turning a bit more smoothly. The DC are largely oblivious to everything going on on their behalf!!

The good news is it gets much, much easier once the right support is in place. My DD is settled into high school with the right help and she’s flourishing. I hope things are much smoother for you from here on in.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas thats given me a lot of comfort. You’re very kind. Glad you’ve got support for your daughter and she’s doing well, lovely to hear. 💕

Name changed. Sorry just to protect my children.

First of all you are already fighting so hard for your children in a very shit system and many misunderstandings on ND children and autism etc. So be proud of that please.

Kids are born autistic so the posters saying there is no diagnosis kindly step away from the judgement. It took me 4 years to even start to help my child due to the blocks put in place from school/ paeds /covid. And still fighting to this day for EHCP drafts. I do understand some people like to diagnose bad behaviour (which yes does still exist) as ND/autism/adhd due to the latest TickTok crap. But when a parent is asking for help and support please, even if they are wrong, remember words bloody hurt.

Anyway @PinkCamellia it does sound like she will struggle being on holiday and I think you both need to accept that. You want a lovely birthday and she finds it too much. I would say it's OK for her to stay home and she shouldn't worry or feel guilty, but explain that you also have a choice and a right to a different opinion and view to her. And the opposite views you have, do not stop how you love each other.

My own situation is my 12yr old asd hates change. We have been to many different European beach holidays and every time we still have to same issues. Some days he is OK others sensory overload. Even uk caravans to Wales are difficult. But I still try and I want a holiday and I feel in my mind it will be different than the last. I am allowed as you are to want a normal holiday, and we as sen parents should not be made to feel crap that we are still human and as much as we love our kids there is a part of our minds that really really want none of the stress and the prep and the lists and the covering all issues and just to have peace.

So in my jumbled way I want you to understand she probably will not enjoy the holiday if she goes and you also won't. But it's not bad to say ok please stay home and have a holiday yourself.

Just needed to dump this somewhere so I can sleep. We got here today (technically yesterday now), early flight, running late but made it on time, just. It’s been a gorgeous day weather wise but everyone was too tired to enjoy it and we only managed a wander round the area we’re staying. The apartment is nice at least although I’ve somehow ended up with a single bed after the oldest two nabbed the double bedrooms.

Booked an aurora tour which was supposed to finish at 12/1pm but he kept pushing the time thinking solar activity would start soon. It didn’t and we’re utterly exhausted as it’s been such a long, stressful day. DD saying she wished she hadn’t come and refusing to go on tomorrows full day excursion. Have to be up soon for that too. Just after we arrived, I got news that the arrangements for DDog had fallen through. I sorted plan B but it’s not ideal and I’m worrying about her and just want to go home to make sure she’s ok.

Now I can’t stop crying because somehow every time I make an effort for my birthday, it turns to shit. This has cost so much money and we’re not having a nice time. I desperately want to go home but torn between trying to salvage it and not wanting to waste any more money. I really wished I hadn’t bothered. I think this is the last time I will celebrate a birthday (I’m not that bothered anyway) and probably the last holiday abroad as it’s just too expensive and stressful. Going to try and sleep now.

Why on earth did you let the children take the double beds? You're letting your children walk all o er you. You need to be more assertive.

OP please, for a few days, put yourself first. Worry about whether you are enjoying it - and even if you're tired, make sure your eyes are soaking up the sights around you to remember when you are home. Don't give in to pity about your situation, and don't let your dcs dictate your response to your experiences. You can care for them without giving up on your own life.

@PinkCamellia

You’ve built this holiday and birthday up to make yourself feel better about the situation with your previous relationship. Now that it is not working out in the magically distracting fashion that you imagined all that emotion is coming out. Also there is the aspect that you are possibly ND, this is a new experience for you hence overwhelming and the plan has diverted from your expectations so it’s distressing.

Aurora chasing can be like trying to find real life fairies, almost impossible. Recognise that and move on.

Today is a new day, with new experiences.

The dog is not a human and will be fine. You need to prioritise the humans right now.

Kick one of the elder children out the double bed - they can draw straws - and get yourself prioritised by the family.

Allow yourself to enjoy the holiday, you deserve it, and try to regulate yourself and your emotions right down because your hysteria and lack of control will be contagious and hype up the children and make them feel unsafe and unhappy.

Chill. It will all be fine.

The first evening of a holiday is sometimes a bit shit - particularly if you foolishly arranged to be staying up late.
You're all tired and grumpy, today is a new day. You're there now so do the best you can to enjoy it.

I would agree with Rookiemere, my ND child often makes the start of our holidays pretty miserable for us and then we all get into the swing of things.

Honestly, OP, you were told not to bring your daughter on this holiday. You not only did that, you let the two older children grab the best bedrooms.

You are the parent and you have paid for this holiday. You should tell them now that you are sleeping in the best room. They have a bloody cheek expecting you to do that. They can sort out which of them sleeps in the single bed - that's nothing to do with you.

If any of them can't behave they should stay in the accommodation and you should go out without them.

In the nicest possible way, stop being so bloody wet!

Ok, so i wouldn’t care about the double bed and would just sleep in the single. But if you don’t want to, tell them to get out of the double room.

The rest… it sounds like you’re packing too much in. Aurora trip straight after travelling, full day excursion next… you’re going to have to schedule in some down time otherwise this isn’t going to be fun at all and your dd is not going to cope. Your expectations of her are unrealistic here, she is autistic and needs time to decompress, otherwise a meltdown is not her fault and is outside her control.

Cancel the excursion. Have a chilled day tomorrow. Let her sleep, hang out, whatever. You and the older ones take turns staying in the hotel with her if necessary. Then schedule the rest of your holiday sensibly, with down time built in.

I hope today is better OP. Iceland is all about the countryside and waterfalls but Reykjavik is worth a day if things are too stressful.

Personally I'd book a solo excursion is they were being difficult.

The apartment is nice at least although I’ve somehow ended up with a single bed after the oldest two nabbed the double bedrooms.

OP this is ridiculous! It's your bloody birthday and your money and you're the adult - they didn't just nab the bedrooms, you let them! Tell them you've had a think and actually are quite shocked they assumed they could have the bigger rooms, and realised this isn't on. Take one of the double bedrooms for goodness sake. Stop being so passive and instead make the most of the holiday.

Thank you everyone for the advice and well wishes. It’s been a mixed bag overall. I’ve absolutely loved Iceland but truthfully, the kids have made it less enjoyable and I wish I’d come with a friend instead. Perhaps the days of family holidays are already over which is a shame as I couldn’t afford them when they were younger and now I can, I’m not sure I want to again.

Youngest DD coped pretty well in the end and joined in everything with about as much complaint as I expected but enjoyed it overall. The youngest two have bickered as usual and DD1 has spent far too much time texting her BF but actually it’s been adult (NT) DS who has disappointed me the most. To be fair to him, he’s not been well (a moderate cold which I’ve also got) but he’s barely been able to hide the fact that he hasn’t enjoyed our company. The younger two have also partly enjoyed it, partly hated it.

Maybe it’s my fault for having too high expectations but I pictured us spending time together in the evenings, and I spent a lot of money on a nice apartment so we could do that but they’ve all hidden in their rooms and left me alone in the living room every evening and I’ve felt pretty lonely and tearful as a result. DS has also been quite critical and at one point chastised us all for being so socially awkward (I’m guessing I embarrass him). I realise teenagers/young adults are pretty selfish so I’m trying not to take it personally and I’m grateful that they agreed to come at all. I know they wanted me to have a nice birthday and I think they’ve done their best to make the most of it but it’s not been what I, or they, hoped for. I guess you win some, you lose some.

I know I’m going to get more replies critiquing my parenting, possibly justified and I’m now reaping what I’ve sown but I’ve done my best with them all in pretty challenging circumstances.

@PinkCamellia

Hold on to the parts you enjoyed and try and just chalk up the rest to experience.

I probably mentioned, but I was dragged along on holiday for a parent’s birthday as a very mature adult…. It wasn’t remotely my thing and I was miserable.

Probably the biggest lesson here is that everyone needs to be equally invested in the destination and activities or it can be like getting blood out of a stone.

Teenagers are hard work, give them time to mature and shared time together will be more fruitful.

Happy birthday again 🎉 focus on the positives. Delightful that the younger DD was able to come and engage.

I have experienced taking a possibly ND child (waiting for adult diagnosis as didn't get anywhere with it when younger) on an expensive bucket list type holiday when they were younger and OMG the complaining! I know its the anxiety/overwhelm that triggers it but it's so hard! They are still glad they went though and found what they saw fascinating in retrospect!
Everyone other than me in my nuclear family doesn't really like travelling - so we holidayed alot with others in this country which worked well.
I prefer going with freinds now when possible. So much less complaining!
Well done for getting her there and focus on the positive things about the trip.
I hope if you take her to her special interest place as promised it might be more positive but I'd probably not expect all your kids to come along in future - which will save you some £££ anyway!

By that age our child was included in the choosing, why would you book somewhere then just expect someone to go along with it?

Sure at 3 they tag along but if they are enough to have thoughts ans opinions it seems odd to 'I have booked x and you just have to go along with it'

Now it has happened I would communicate as much as possible

Hi OP, I'm sorry it didn't work out as you hoped.

It's good that you enjoyed some bits.

I think a LOT of people feel this way about family holidays. I know I do. So much effort and expense and in the end everyone moans (despite being happy to leave all the planning and expense to you).

Yes I do have a ND child (and probably, husband).

Definitely go with a friend next time.

I'm sorry OP that it wasn't the holiday you had hoped for.

I think you sound like you have done a good job as a DP - your DCs came away with you despite DD not wanting to and did their best to make sure you had a nice holiday. Unfortunately teens - especially ND ones - are going to teen. It was unrealistic to expect them to want to spend time together in the evening particularly as DD will have needed to decompress at that point.

Definitely go away with friends in the future. Remember most adults will have a DP or DH with them so it's a different scenario. Even then teen DS has brought a friend along on the last fee holidays to relieve the monotony of just being with us, oh and refuses to go on anything but 5 star AI to the Canaries ( so shoot us now).

You are entitled to have a good holiday and a bit of a break, and if that means leaving the DCs at home, then that's what you need to do.

You're obviously high functioning and it comes across as ableist.

What a load of shit