DD(13) saying she doesn’t want to come on holiday with us next week

[PinkCamellia]

I posted earlier about an upcoming trip to Iceland but thought this warranted a separate post. I don’t normally make a fuss of my birthday but as it’s my 40th and it’s been a really difficult few years, I’ve booked for me and teen/young adult DC to go for four days to Iceland.

At the time I booked, DD wanted us to go to a particular European country and was upset with me for choosing Iceland. Since then, she periodically says she doesn’t want to come and has even cried at the thought of coming. She says she doesn’t want to do any of the activities I’m planning and there’s nothing she wants to do there. I’ve tried selling it to her that we’ll eat nice food, so interesting things, be in beautiful scenery but she says she doesn’t care about any of that.

I’m so worried about her at the moment. Since hitting 13, things have unraveled for her. She’s completely stopped attending school and does nothing except play on her computer with her friends. She has no interests except gaming and baking and she’s put on a lot of weight in a short time. I feel like she must be depressed but she says she’s not. I think she might be ASD and we are awaiting an assessment.

What do I do? It won’t be the same without her and I worry she will regret not coming but equally the prospect of dragging her round or being stuck in the hotel with her doesn’t feel great either. Feeling really stressed and sad that my birthday won’t be what I hoped. And of course so worried about DD 😔

I think you got that conversation wrong tbh; that was your cue to say 'OK I WILL make the decision for you, you're coming and we'll sort it all out when you're there.'

You can reduce demands etc when you're there, but I think get her there.

This sounds incredibly stressful, OP. It really doesn't sound like she's being a brat. With autism it can be really worrying thinking about how you'll cope outskde the routine. Is it worth sitting her down and asking what her worries are, and going through them so together you can determine whether they're reasonable - eg looking at whether a food is available, whether certain activities are ones she can skip. This can be a good life skill for those of us who get anxious about travelling, so she could even do some research herself. Wishing you all the best on the holiday whatever happens.

@PinkCamellia Is it not term time?

I'm not sure I'd promise her nice food in Iceland! When I was there I lost half a stone in a week!

Would it mean going on your own otherwise?

I’m also going with my older two children who are very much looking forward to it. My eldest is an adult and has offered to stay back with her if I want to go off and do things with my other DD.

I try every single day to get her into school. Sometimes we get there and she won’t get out of the car. In the odd days she has been, she walks out after a lesson or two.

I know there is something wrong but she can’t tell me what it is or doesn’t know herself. She started self harming last year but came to me and told me and gave me the instrument she was using. Perhaps it comes across that I’m nonchalant about my daughters problems but I’m extremely worried about her but with no idea how to help her or who will help her because I was already abandoned with similar problems when my older DD was going through this.

I don't think your other two children should lose out on the holiday.

Let your daughter stay with her grandparents. Go on the holiday - guilt-free - and have a lovely time. Sort out your daughter's issues when you get back, but have a lovely relaxing time in the meantime.

She’s just come to me sobbing saying she can’t go and she’ll hate it but if she doesn’t come she’ll feel guilty.

I’d have said sometimes we need to do things we find difficult, or that we think we’ll hate. We can look at how to make it easier for her (familiar food, planned schedule, planned downtime, sunflower lanyard so security etc is easier) but I also need to see effort on her part, ie being open to the possibility of enjoying the time together. There are some things she can have control over but having booked and paid for a holiday, opting out isn’t a choice. Happy to scaffold around to make things manageable.

Your DD seems to have a lot of options and be able to dictate your life as well as making you feel unhappy and stressed, when you want to enjoy a special birthday trip. Whether she goes or not you won't enjoy it anyway, will you?

Never mind the longwinded pandering explanations that are usual to MN, alongside the armchair medical diagnosis.

Your daughter is spoilt.

If she has somewhere safe to stay then go without her. As for school refusing? Where is she then, at home?! Wow.

Yes it’s term time but she doesn’t go anyway and she will learn a lot from travelling. I’m afraid I have lost complete faith in the education system and if I could afford to, I’d home school her. I still encourage her to go because I know it will be an easier path for her if she gets her GCSEs (and she’s incredibly bright, a top performer in most classes) but having already travelled this journey once, I know that school is not the be all and end all, especially when it’s causing MH problems. I think schools are toxic places where male teachers shout for no reason just like her dad did. Not at her though, the school preferred as she’s very well behaved but just the shouting is very triggering for her.

I’ve managed to persuade her to come a few times but she keeps changing back to not coming and it’s now days away.

I'd say tough, you are not old enough to stay home alone and I want to go on holiday, so you are coming end of story.

@PinkCamellia How is she going to get her GCSEs if she's not in school? Is home schooling her an option or do you work?

Also take her gaming stuff away and hide it until she starts behaving and showing some respect

I’d have said sometimes we need to do things we find difficult, or that we think we’ll hate.

I’ve taking this approach during previous conversations but that has made her defensive and trot out the line that she didn’t ask to be born.

Whether she goes or not you won't enjoy it anyway, will you?
This is what’s making me so sad.

I am going to be really harsh.
I'm ND (ADHD and bipolar), 2 of my kids are ND (ASD and ASD/ADHD).
You are failing her. Get rid of the fucking gaming devices for at least a month. My 13 year is ND and was using her phone on Instagram (which I had band her on and has lost it, and all screens for a month). It has been a revelation. She is a nicer, happier child.
My 16 yearold (ASd/ADHD) refused school for a while. We encouraged him to go until he refused completely. He then lost all screens except a phone for contacting friends a couple of times a day. His anxiety dropped, his focus improved and he went back to school.
Screens are the fucking devil's work. Someone will come and say it helps. It might in the same way alcohol can make you feel better but if you aren't functioning it makes things worse.
My mate is psychotherapist for teenagers and says that the most fucked up ones at the ones almost always have had lax screen time.

I never remove autistic DD’s phone. People on here don’t understand how it feels for a person who is autistic to have the thing that regulates them, removed.

Re: the holiday, I would go and leave her with your parents. She’s not just a sulky teen. If she’s autistic, she will likely feel absolutely resolute about not going so there’s really very little point in forcing it unless you have to.

I don’t know at this point. Older DD is studying for hers at college but yr10 is the earliest transfer age for college. I work 30 hours a week but looking for better paid full time work which will be make the school refusal harder to accommodate but I can’t manage on what I earn since they stopped tax credits (I don’t qualify for universal credit due to savings which are funding the renovation).

I understood from the OP that she hasn't had a diagnosis yet?

No, but she definitely is.

You’re getting a lot of comments here from people who don’t understand what parenting an autistic teen can be like. If she is unable to cope with the holiday for whatever reason, it’s likely to be a nightmare for all of you. I’m remembering a trip to London we had where we couldn’t leave the hotel because dd was so overwhelmed she would lie on the floor howling, and we spent the whole time trying to find McDonald’s as she couldn’t manage to eat unfamiliar food. It took her ages to use the hotel toilet and she didn’t manage to shower the entire time.

It is unlikely to be a case of a slightly sulky teen who’s reluctant to join in. I doubt I’d get mine on the plane if she wasn’t coping and we’d all have to go home.

Is there someone to look after her if she doesn’t come? If she isn’t even managing to attend school, it’s unlikely she’ll manage a big holiday like that.

So? That doesn’t make her less autistic!

I’ve taking this approach during previous conversations but that has made her defensive and trot out the line that she didn’t ask to be born.

And that’s where I’d be drawing a hard line - there’s a limit to what can be said when you’re unhappy and at 13 she’s old enough to know that’s not on. It’s very difficult, and you sound exhausted with everything you’ve had to deal with, but she needs you to hold boundaries for and with her. She’s going to push - it’s part of being a teenager - but she needs you to hold a clear line on what is and isn’t negotiable. For me, that means “this far and no further” in arguments including “I didn’t ask to be here”.

You should be able to homeschool.

She is 13 yo so she doesn't need supervison 24/7.
She should be able to work on a set schedule on her own with you helping after work/weekends. You say she is bright.

I would expect her to do school work already now if she skips school. Gaming wouldn't be an option before school work is done and approved.

Could the problem be that she knows that she can’t game all the time she’s away?

This is great advice… for a neurotypical child.

If she’s in autistic burnout, she’s likely to need time to recover before attempting schoolwork. And it can take a lot longer than you’d think.

You know your dd best, OP. Prioritise her mental health above all else.

And it’s interesting how some posters think we can’t know whether she is autistic from the other side of a screen, yet they are able to diagnose her as spoilt!