DD(13) saying she doesn’t want to come on holiday with us next week

[PinkCamellia]

I posted earlier about an upcoming trip to Iceland but thought this warranted a separate post. I don’t normally make a fuss of my birthday but as it’s my 40th and it’s been a really difficult few years, I’ve booked for me and teen/young adult DC to go for four days to Iceland.

At the time I booked, DD wanted us to go to a particular European country and was upset with me for choosing Iceland. Since then, she periodically says she doesn’t want to come and has even cried at the thought of coming. She says she doesn’t want to do any of the activities I’m planning and there’s nothing she wants to do there. I’ve tried selling it to her that we’ll eat nice food, so interesting things, be in beautiful scenery but she says she doesn’t care about any of that.

I’m so worried about her at the moment. Since hitting 13, things have unraveled for her. She’s completely stopped attending school and does nothing except play on her computer with her friends. She has no interests except gaming and baking and she’s put on a lot of weight in a short time. I feel like she must be depressed but she says she’s not. I think she might be ASD and we are awaiting an assessment.

What do I do? It won’t be the same without her and I worry she will regret not coming but equally the prospect of dragging her round or being stuck in the hotel with her doesn’t feel great either. Feeling really stressed and sad that my birthday won’t be what I hoped. And of course so worried about DD 😔

Regardless of any possible diagnosis, you are wrong to let her game and have free access to a phone. If she's not at school, she should be working at home.
I'd be insisting on a routine which also included getting out in the fresh air every day for a walk.

Absolutely this!!

Look OP, YOU are the parent, so start parenting!!

Take the games console away. Turn the WiFi off. Take her mobile away at bedtime.

You are enabling her!!

I would leave her at home.

When my DD was 14 she made a UK break miserable by whining and not cooperating. I ended up sending her to my sister's mid holiday so the rest of us could have some fun.

I was very alike her, afraid of going places and it was terrifying but once I got there I was fine. Have you another child you could take instead?

@PinkCamellia

You need to lift all the pressure off.

Say she doesn’t need to feel guilty if she can’t cope with coming.

I take it the European destination is somewhere she has been before and is comfortable with??

The unknown can be beyond coping skills when you are 13 and autistic.

I went on hol for a parents special birthday to a destination of their choosing. It set all of my sensory issues off, I couldn’t participate in most of the activities, I was miserable, very depressed, and then ended up physically ill because my stress levels were high which lowered my immune system. It was awful. I had no enjoyment and it took away from the enjoyment of family members. I have asked to never be included in that type of holiday again….. and I am an adult with kids of my own….

Shes only 13. If it’s too much for her let her stay with her grandparents and say you’ll go somewhere lovely that you choose in future.

Have a great time in Iceland, and Happy Birthday!

Thank you. The best part is, my exBF lives just a few streets up from me and I still wonder if I should move —if— when the house is finally finished so I can draw a line under it all. I recently heard they don’t speak anymore but it hasn’t made it any better. I’m still reeling from the fact they could do something like that and wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again.

I really think she would enjoy it once she’s there. Both DDs are close to adult DS but as he doesn’t live with us, we don’t get so much time all together and I think she’s underestimating how nice that part of a family holiday will be.

The country she wants to go to has become a special interest for her but she hasn’t been before. She’s been learning about the culture etc. I’m happy to take her another time. I agree that I should take the pressure off. It’s difficult to know how to play it because I think she will be ok once there so I’m trying to sell it to her but maybe that comes across as pressure.

I was 13, on a tour of Italy for two weeks and totally miserable.

Was not going an option from my parents?

No friggin way

Italy, Jordan, and Israel are places I got to visit as a tween, even though I didn’t want to. I was much more interested in DW.

The trip meant a lot of travel, coming from Latin America.

As an adult, I am forever grateful that I got to visit!

I am sorry you have had some harsh replies . I would try and take her and could you also take a laptop / mobile device gaming device with you -switch if she has it . Agree that if she comes out for meals / activities - 1/2 a day that she will get time on her device .

Several of my kids are on devices longer than I would prefer . I was at an online educational talk the other day and there were several Ed Pyschologists and several things they said struck me . Firstly that teens really want to fit in with their peers - so I wouldn't do anything that lost her links with her friends especially as she is school refusing .
Secondly that for some teens gaming actually helps them to relax . I found this last one quite difficult to grasp to be honest .
I hope that you get things worked out and have a fab break without worrying too much about your daughter .

She sounds entitled and spoiled tbh. Iceland is not a cheap holiday, it’s not like you’re rallying to get your kids excited to go to Benidorm (perfectly acceptable btw, I can’t even afford Rhyl).
Shes not attending school but still has access to all devices etc. I struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager and it sounds like you need to get her on to some services like cahms. It’s absolutely not normal for a 13 year old to be refusing to go to Iceland.

I don’t have any advice on the holiday, but I’d suggest that you look into parental control apps so you can limit her screen time. We’ve done this with our teens and it makes a big difference. Some are free like Google Family are free.

Some really nasty comments on here. I have been where you are. DD was around the same age when she was diagnosed ASD. She wanted to see other places but the anxiety made it really hard. We had to take one step at a time. Prepare for the flight. Get her magazines and drawing books. Download a film into her phone. Then just take one day at a time. Never pre planned anything. Let her take things at her pace. First three days she was looking at flights to go home then discovered she loved the beach. By the time we were going home she was sad because she had enjoyed the holiday. People who don’t have children with ASD just think they’re spoiled brats and pampered but they’re not. They just have to take things at their pace and not be pushed into unfamiliar situations. The world is a scary place for them so you need to just let them lead. She will probably have an amazing time once there but the whole anxiety of getting there and the unfamiliar surroundings are just a lot for her.

Do you have any one who she can stay with whilst your away (not your adult DC who’s coming on holiday)? If you do then I would let her stay at home.

It’s unlikely she will regret it when she’s said from the start she doesn’t want to go and it’s unfair for the holiday to be ruined for you and your other DC.

I have an AuDHD daughter.

Behaviour on holidays included;

Panic attacks with three or four hours of crying and distress because she couldn't cope with being in a hotel room on her own

Refusing to get out of the car (for four hours) because she was scared of her dad shouting at her.

Running out of the hotel at midnight and getting lost in a strange city because she needed the loo and was in a shared bedroom and the other person was in the loo.

When they are this age you cannot physically make them as they are bigger than you. If you try it will often turn into either a violent fight or an adult literally pulling a teen around. Both are bad.

Teenagers who have mh or nd issues don't behave in socially acceptable ways.

You probably can force her on the holiday if you threaten her enough. You won't enjoy it though, and neither will she.

I wonder if she’s quite anxious about being out in public, and out of her comfort zone. I’d insist she comes, but give her the option of opting out of some of the trips, it sounds like school/life/teen hormones and maybe SEN are overwhelming rather than she wants to be hurtful

Let her stay with her grandparents, is there a cousin that your kids are close to that could take her spot rather than lose the money?

No point in pushing and having her being difficult or distressed.

she does need to be doing some learning work though.

I’d recommend reading Temple Grandin’s “The Loving Push.”

Unfortunately she won't continue to be a top performer if she doesn't receive enough education. She's so addicted to her pc that she is anxious about being away from when she goes away on holiday. Of course she doesn't want to go school if she can use that time for gaming. She needs help for the addiction and maybe moving to a new school will help? Take away the pc today.

Undiagnosed autism is no reason not to parent as normal. Want to know how I know this? Because I have ASD that was diagnosed late.

The world (beyond school, anyway) does not adapt for SEN, so parents who use SEN as a reason not to parent properly or impose rules for children, are failing them. So many young adults with SEN implode when they leave school because all the nice adaptations and kid gloves come off once you get into the real world. Perhaps that’s a fault of society, but that’s where we are.

She is 13. She goes on the trip. There are things you have to do in life that you might not enjoy, that’s a good lesson to learn. I can guarantee she will enjoy some part of it, even if it’s that you and her go off for a couple of hours together and have a bit of time together to chat, grab some food and see some scenery.

Get her off the gaming device. It’s the perfect opportunity for autistic children to ‘leave’ reality, which is fine, but the more they do it, the less time they want to spend in real life because they find it hard. Gaming is great provided a person has control over themselves on it and doesn’t let it take over their whole life.

I am so grateful that I was diagnosed late, because I was treated normally and the expectations were there, which I followed. I’m not going to lie, I sometimes found that difficult because I saw things differently to others, but I was quick to realise that you either learn to adapt to adapt to the world because it doesn’t revolve around me and allow me to get out of things I found hard. That would have been a very dangerous place to put me in because I would have spent my whole life ducking and diving things that made me uncomfortable. Believe me when I say it was tough, but I now have a confidence that I never in a million years thought would be possible.

I feel so unbelievably passionate about this topic. I have 2 friends with children diagnosed with ASD, like me. Both were obsessive gamers. Both are now in their mid twenties, have never had a job, game all night, sleep all day, their mothers are in a state because they don’t know how they will ever be able to support themselves or live normally. They never put any expectations or pressure on them because they feared a backlash or a worsening of the problem, but now they are stuck

Please help your daughter to adapt to life WITH her needs, not adapt life AROUND them. That means going to school, going on holidays, doing things that she might not necessarily think she’s going to enjoy. Expose her to life in a safe way, but for god sake please limit her gaming time.

I really do say this from a place of love. It is totally possible to be a functioning adult with autism and I wish your daughter all the best x

Unless people have experience of children with autism, their advice on school refusal will be fairly irrelevant.

If she is happy to stay behind with your parents, I wouldn’t insist she goes on the holiday. She might not enjoy it at all and that would ruin for the rest of you.

Exactly. OP you seem more concerned about your birthday trip than the fact that your 13 year old isn't going to school!! Let alone the fact she's spending so much time indulging her addictions.

You speak about this quite casually? I'm really surprised.

I think (as the veteran of a number of some quite difficult holidays with an ASD child), that there is a lot going on here -- too much to solve in the time you've got.

Leave her with your parents. It's OK to prioritise yourself in this situation and Iceland is a very different place: bit of a nightmare for someone who needs the safety of familiar surroundings.

Go and have a good time with your eldest two.

Come back with renewed vigour to tackle the other problems.

Don't take school refusal advice from those who haven't been through it.

Congratulations on your big birthday!

Is she on the waiting list for Spectrum Gaming? I hear they're really good.

What now? She's 13 and this is a trip for OPs 40th birthday!