How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

How many DC do you have?

I'd be interested to hear whether female teachers get to opt out of family life during term time too.

Why is he out so late so regularly? What and how far away from home does he teach?

As a primary teacher I still did all the nursery drop offs and pick ups, based staff meeting night and parents evenings. And i did the dinner and bedtimes for my kids. Home by 5.30 every day even if it then meant doing a little more after they were in bed.

Why is he out until 9 several times a week. That's got absolutely nothing to do with him being a teacher?

Yes it's hard in termtime but somehow all the female teachers and most of the male ones seem to manage...

He needs to organise himself better, get home at a decent time to see the dc and do some more work once they are in bed. He can't just opt out of family life.

Exactly this!
Can confirm I do not.
Don't let him!

This isn’t a teacher thing. I’m a teacher and I still manage to do the laundry, tidy the house and do my share of cooking.

Why is he out until 9?

Nailed it.

I think he’s taking the piss here OP

I'm not sure if it's a teacher problem or a general problem of (often men) working long hours and not taking a fair share of housework or mental load...?

DH is self employed and used to work late most nights for months at a time, and sometimes weekends unless doing his own hobby when DC were little. He is better with work life balance now and does some pick ups and drop offs but still haven't resolved doing fair share at home!

To a degree, yes.

I had to leave full time work for the insecurity of supply when my marriage ended because I simply couldn't keep on top of everything.

My children are now older (early 20s and going to university this year) and I feel able to have a proper job for the first time.

Before doing supply, the house was rarely clean or tidy outside of school holidays; my children spent far too long watching film after film as I worked; I parented with 'benign neglect' as I often fell asleep when I got in from work.

I had no family support. I did my best but it was inadequate.

My DH is a teacher. I also work long hours in a stressful job (non-teacher). Neither of us gets to opt out because of our professions.

I often have to work late, so he goes into school very early. I do housework and childcare before I do school run/walk. He picks up the baton in the evening. The only way it works is with equal distribution of tasks.

DH is a teacher and is home as a reasonable time most nights. He does the kitchen after I've cooked and puts the kids to bed daily other than the nights he's doing a sport or at the rare school camp.
We moved to a house and new schools that are all walking distance from each other.
We clean the house together on the weekend. I work school holidays so he does everything with the kids.
He sits on the computer catching up on work when the kids have gone to bed so our only sacrifice is sitting together in the evenings.

I'm a teacher in a state school. Onli hsve myself to look after ànd struggle to do this and keep on top of everything. Have a cleaner. Mare wirks in an independent school and workload even worse.

9pm a couple of nights a week is BS. Schools normally lock their doors at 6pm.

It's nothing to do with him being a teacher. He'd be the same regardless of his occupation. He (and you) are using his job as an excuse

What is he doing until 9pm 2 nights a week?

DH is a Head and has regular after school meetings - staff, SLT, Govs, Parent Evenings- he is not out until 9pm two night a week.

Yeah this is what jumped out at me, sorry, why would you chose to have another child when you are already struggling

I think people have missed the fact he works in an independent school which quite often have different expectations compared to state, eg if it’s a boarding school he might well be expected to stay late a night or two each week and work some weekends, neither of which could be expected of state school teachers.

I'm assuming it's a boarding school as the OP said there are lessons on a Saturday (I think?!).
In independent boarding schools teachers often have to stay later a certain amount. The holidays are longer than state schools- not sure that would be compensation enough for me though.

I can well believe that he is out till 9pm 2 nights a week working. I have friends who teach in the independent sector and those guys sign their souls over in term time.

I'm not sure if it's a teacher problem or a general problem of (often men) working long hours and not taking a fair share of housework or mental load...?
This.
When I was still teaching full time it used to amaze me how some married fathers were in work but shooting the shit with each other. Once I had DC it dawned on me that they'd probably be "working late" and conveniently avoid the dinner and bathtime parenting and probably worked after DC were in bed so couldn't do housework.

But I know a lot of female teachers and hands on husbands/fathers who find their home life suffers in terms time, and the holidays are catch up time on housework and family time they don't get during term time.

I’m a state school teacher and have only just gone part time now my children are teenagers. Before that my husband and I sorted out our calendars well in advance. We have a cleaner and our children were in f/t nursery which they loved though it was £££. Essentially he did school drop off and I picked up from after school club. It was super tough and we had no family near so we planned to the max. If one of our children was sick we’d take turns to stay at home and figure out who had the tougher day to not go in.

I can only say planning and organisation helped and the fact that my husband and I were true partners in house work and childcare terms when our children were younger.

😂 if only 😂