How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

What are the advantages of him working at a boarding school? Are they still worth it, post kids? Some of this could be resolved by moving schools, and tbh some sounds like unnecessary drama (your OP did not make it sound like Saturdays were very unusual - is him being out one saturday a term really such a burden?...). I'm married to a teacher and it's fine, puts no extra strain on me or the kids and in fact less than most people I know because we feel really fortunate to never need school holiday childcare.

Perhaps he’s prioritising trying to earn a living for his family? You make it sound like he’s choosing to work rather than stay at home.

How many kids do you have already OP?

Then he needs to change job to one which enables him to be more present for his family to avoid this situation?

Does anyone actually read the original thread? I can’t believe the number of posters who have missed the fact he is working in an independent boarding school.

I'm a teacher and still manage, DH helps out a lot though. I leave around 4/4:30 most days as I pick the kids up from their school at 5. If I need to stay later for parents evenings etc, DH picks them up.

I know! So frustrating.

Thanks for the messages particularly from those with experience of independent schools, it’s actually a really nice school and more relaxed than his previous one but undoubtedly boarding schools require more teacher hours.

He is still early on in his career and I hope he can streamline his workload in the future as another poster mentioned. He has the shitty end of the stick as is the sole FT teacher for a particularly challenging course to teach, lots of additional hours needed to plan and mark etc but hopefully this will get easier.

Until then need to take some deep breaths & try to keep it all in perspective, this won’t last for ever.

@LolaSmiles “When I was still teaching full time it used to amaze me how some married fathers were in work but shooting the shit with each other. Once I had DC it dawned on me that they'd probably be "working late" and conveniently avoid the dinner and bathtime parenting and probably worked after DC were in bed so couldn't do housework.”

Countless men have confirmed this to me. They come in early and relax with a coffee to avoid the stressful mornings, then stay later than anyone else at work just having a chat and mooching around.

I don't quite understand why you would move somewhere without suitable provision for your SEND child? How many children do you have?

Commonsense - but maybe working in a boarding school is what he’s good at! A Maybe he’s working towards becoming a headmaster and earning a high salary. Maybe OP wanted another baby and he was less keen but wanted her to be happy- we don’t know, but ‘get a new job’ is rarely that easy.

Exactly.

Sorry but if you were already struggling what part of your brain thought it was a good idea to chuck an extra child into the mix? You stay married the same way everyone stays married, by not getting divorced.

Chikoletta - is this his first year in this school? It will be easier next year when he is repeating lessons he’s planned this year for the second time and has a better idea of the pinch points in terms of workload.

Good grief! Anyone would think being a teacher is the hardest job out there.

Lots of people have jobs with much longer hours and more stress. Nurses, doctors, carers, even retail staff. They and their families manage.

Try being married to an HGV driver - 12-14 on the job hours as standard. Have to work weekends, bank holidays, early mornings and late nights. No summer off or long break at Christmas and NY (have to work) or comfortable pension.

Essential job for society too.

Absolutely this - even when I was running department at big independent school I still managed to pull my weight.

he needs to organise his workload so he can show up as a reasonable life partner

@countdowntonap I have also witnessed male teachers doing this, even when they are new fathers. Often not working at all, just chatting. Even when they were working, they were doing stuff that could be done at home, like the teachers who were also mothers did, scurrying out of the building at 4pm with a bag for life full of exercise books to mark.

I am a mother and a secondary teacher in a core subject. It's not totally flexible, but most of the time, I can be out the door by 4pm and if I really needed to, I could leave with the kids at 3.10pm (though I'd need to be organised). When I get home, I'm only doing mum stuff until my kids are sorted and in bed.

It definitely gets easier as you get more experienced. Been teaching nearly 20 years and I rarely bring work home and usually leave around 5/5.30.

Yes but a lorry driver can listen to the radio and switch off whilst driving within reason. Teaching is a performance job. There is also a lot of prep , marking, planning and pastoral care. In a boarding school it’s constant. If you feel sick or tired you have to get up there and give 100 percent . All the time.

I agree above - this isn't a teacher thing. I'm a head of department for a core subject and do the bulk of domestic work at home. Why is he working late that often?

This is the key reason that I am now doing it alone... my ex did very little and would watch me struggle through the week and let me do the domestic stuff and look after the children at weekends.

Nicer to do it alone!

Not here! I leave school by 4pm most days to get my kids then dinner or hobbies and start work again between 7 and 8. I frequently work until 11pm

DH not a teacher and shares the hobbies/dinner stuff. He has is own business so is totally flexible and yet I still do the majority of the chores.

So in conclusion, not a teacher thing but a man thing!

Today - I think you’d get the sack if you left at 3.10 when lessons don’t finish till 5 though 🙄.

A lorry driver switching off could kill multiple people... Is it a job you've ever done, or did you feel it was alright to opine on how easy it is off the top of your head?

I was a teacher and did all of the housework etc whilst he did sports all weekend and never helped at all. We are divorced now as he is a selfish prick. Teaching is rubbish if you have kids but of course most teachers do want kids. Bloody awful job.

I take it you work in the state sector?