How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

It’s really tough. I had that for years and it was really really hard. Independent schools expect to own your soul, especially boarding schools. I would say get all the help you can, plan nice things for the holidays and try to find hobbies and interests for yourself . Get a babysitter.

The reality is if you’re a teacher in a boarding school then during term time it is not unusual to have to work crazy hours. And when you are home you are absolutely exhausted and drained from the job.

My husband and I are both teachers and when the kids were younger it was a conscious decision that I went part time so I could do the majority of the “life admin” and housework. It worked for us and fortunately financially we could afford it. He wasn’t a senior leader then so on a “normal” day he could be home by 6 after an hours commute, and would help put the kids to bed, but then be back working after they were in bed. He’d have evening duty until 10:30pm once a week, matches on a Saturday (often at schools 2hrs away).

It’s full on and unless you’re in OP’s husband’s shoes you have no idea. This is why so many teachers are leaving - it is just not sustainable.

So OP - you have my sympathies and I would just say that during term time you need to have lower expectations of how tidy the house can be etc. Prioritise what’s important and the rest can wait. When the kids are older it’ll get easier!

We are both teachers so it's even worse! The house is nice and tidy during the holidays at least though. My school is much closer to home so the lion's share of pick-ups and drop-offs is on me but DH has at least one day a week where he lives early so I can work late. A lot of school work has to be done at home to facilitate leaving earlier to pick the DC up, take them to activities. We make sure domestic chores are evenly split. I think your DH sounds like he is relying on you to do things at home because it's easier for him to work in school. The reality is quite a lot of teacher stuff can be done at home, even though that is tiresome.

Also, I must admit after 20 years in the profession I cut corners where needed so that I can manage some semblance of family life too.

Unless you work in a boarding school …. and then you absolutely do HAVE to do that

💯

Reading the comments, I suspect most people have no idea of the culture. Is it boarding? A lot of evenings are expected. As well as attendance at sports fixtures, extra curricular activities etc. This applies to women too and also to day schools. Boarding is particularly hard core. My OH was out in the evening a LOT as well as weekends. It was expected and his career wouldn’t have developed without doing those hours. It’s not a choice. He was only grudgingly allowed to be at the birth of our first child and then expected to be at work the next day.

Oops, missed that it's an independent school. They may be more strict about hours on the premises. State schools are crap in lots of ways but may be more flexible about that sort of thing, if he would consider changing?

Agree bout the exhaustion. Every holiday virtually OH would collapse with some illness. It takes everything. He would come home, eat, go back to work and often not even come home to eat.

Are you working? If so, how do you do all the drop off and pick up unless the children are in wraparound care, in which case he could do drop off?

I know lots of teachers and none - I mean NONE - work especially long hours, because they have family responsibilities, like most people. Your husband could definitely find a teaching job where he would be home by 6pm at the latest. Ridiculous to opt out of parenting for a job that doesn't even pay that well.

Also the people I know who are married to teachers love it because it resolves all the holiday childcare problems. You seem to be comparing term time and holiday as if another job would be like an endless holiday - it wouldn't. He would be working, and assuming you work too, it would bring new headaches.

We are both teachers (or were - dh quit teaching a couple of years ago having been SLT for some years). I went part-time when DC1 was born and stayed part-time until she was in 6th form, so I did all pick-ups and the majority of housework and household admin. Dh never opted out though, and was never out until late in the week, and as soon as I went back to full-time he happily took on probably more than 50%, as he's got a lighter workload in his new job and he knows only too well what mine is like!

Sorry but there's no excuse for this. I've been a teacher for over 10 years and have 3 young children (2, 4 and 6). I still have to sort house stuff, pick and drop off my kids and generally be present in my marriage during term time. I'm by no means an oddity- most of my colleagues are married to people who work FT and have kids. What's he doing until 9pm?? I've never worked anywhere that you can just stay as long as that into the evening - usually site team want to lock up by a certain time (often 6pm, my current school 5.30pm). And parents evenings/open evenings certainly aren't happened twice a week and I've never known any of those finish later than 8pm either! He's massively taking the piss and needs to step up.

Woah bowled over with the number of responses here so making my way through slowly.

In answer to some questions, school contact hours are 0830-1730 and is about 30-40 mins drive away so even with no planning prep time he would be out 0745-0615, and does do this a couple of nights. Unfortunately he does have boarding dury hence late nights but mercifully Saturdays are only once a term. All that is time with pupils so absolutely no flexibility unfortunately.

My DH has always worked in boarding. He's not home much in term-time and when DS was little I did most of it on my own in those weeks (I'm a state SEN teacher).

We only has one DC, partly because that was all we could cope with given the lifestyle. I'm not sure why you are adding yet another person into this stressful mix, OP.

I work in a school it's locked at 6.15 so can't understand why he's out until 9pm

Bobbybobbins - yes it does apply to women too, I am one. It’s not a choice to ‘opt out of family life’ it’s just hours in the day and what’s sensible, doesn’t mean I like it. A rather 1950s attitude to think that a hard working man is just lazy and a woman couldn’t possibly have a dh who does housework? It doesn’t make sense for me to do cooking / cleaning in the evenings when i have a couple of hours of work to do and dh doesn’t. It is logical for dh to cook while I work then I can finish earlier. The plus side for him is dc’s have my full attention in the hols, so never any childcare issues, and my hols are longer so I do a massive spring clean declutter then and all the housework/cooking.

Thing is, it’s easy to assume I’m a doormat and he’s a no-good lazy bastard but neither of those things is true (if only you knew me!).

He doesn’t drink/so drugs, spend hours out with mates or on the Xbox, doesn’t gamble spend stupid amounts on cycling gear for example and does do stuff when he’s here. I guess my gripe is at the job largely, though I do think men seem to be much more able to ignore mess etc and attend to their own immediate needs.

I’ve had to have 6 months at home working minimal hours whilst doing home ed with my eldest (SEND, we moved and no suitable school, has just gone back thankfully). I’ve been looking for work but until more hours no cleaner unfortunately.

With respect, encourage him to get organised and start pulling his weight. He's a teacher, not running the country, so really ought to be able to cope with a busy life and responsibilities.

So many people misunderstanding the expectations in a boarding school! Just because YOUR school locks the gates at 6pm doesn’t mean all schools do. Boarding schools need staffing 24hrs a day and most ‘normal’ teachers will have an evening duty at least once a week.

Thanks for the update OP.

It sounds similar to when my DH was teacher when our DC were younger. He would get into school early (left at 6am to beat traffic and be in by 7am) Do some planning / prep before school, then on the days he could he would leave as soon as he was able to and be home by 18:30. He would then do bedtime and spend that time with the kids to give me a break and chance to do something else (tidy or whatever). He’d then continue working when they were in bed. Once a week he’d be on duty until 22:30 and actually stay over in the boarding house as it wasn’t worth him coming home.

So mornings were always down to me alone but at least he did bedtimes most nights. Would that work for you? Him going in earlier so he has less to do in the evening.

It is shit and as I’ve said before, unless you are part of that boarding school culture you have no idea. We just accepted that for 6 week blocks of time life was crazy and the house was a mess, but the long holidays made up for it. And as the kids got older it got easier.

FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️ BECAUSE IT IS A BOARDING SCHOOL

All the people replying that none of the teachers they know do this have missed the point that ops dh works in a boarding school! Boarding schools are not comparable with maintained schools - our longer holidays are due to the longer term time days + other duties and activities. What teachers in state schools do are not relevant to this situation!!

Your dh needs a new job. If he really isn't trying to avoid family life, he will regret prioritising this job over his wife and kids.

Awrite - but he gets to spend all their school holidays with them, which he won’t in a different job. I adore having 6 weeks in the summer with my dcs!!

I meant a different teaching job.

I’d love to see you do the job and clock off at 5 pm to be with your family. It’s not possible.

So the hours he’s out, he’s actually working. It doesn’t sound like you also work out of the home the same hours as him.(unless I've misunderstood)
First of all, get yourself a car. That will take the pressure off for the school run. Then look at the tasks that need to be done at home. Who’s currently doing them and when are they being done?
The thing is, you both chose to move home and take your child out of school. Presumably you chose to stop teaching. And now you’re pregnant with another child. So in reality, things are going to get tougher, not easier, once this baby arrives.