How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

I’m a teacher in a state school and don’t get to opt out. If independent is that different he maybe needs a state school job - our janitor bolts the doors at 6:30 so 9pm is not going to happen 😂

My DH is an engineer and we split tasks fairly evenly. He does more housework because he WFH three days a week and doesn’t mind cleaning during his lunch break. I do all of the mental load/organisation/holidays/birthdays/Christmas/life admin. We split drop offs, pick ups, facilitating clubs, walking dogs, tidying, laundry. He cooks but he loves cooking whereas I hate it so he doesn’t see that as a sacrifice. Sometimes I need to do extra work after bedtime but not that often. He’s taking the piss IMO.

I think the independent school is irrelevant. Let’s say he does absolutely have to stay until 9pm, two nights a week. He could still help on the other nights. He could help at the weekends.

He only teaches 4 days - but does some tutoring

He teaches medium term supply contracts (e.g maternity or long term sickness) so, some job security is sacrificed for missing out on a chunk of admin

I borderline vetoed (not my final decision but I very strongly encouraged him not to accept) a job in an independent school due to evening/weekend

Despite this I end up with massively more of the general life stuff (2 preschool age DC). Any one of independent/full time/permanent contract would have an impact

Seems wrong to me. He needs to do more, but I do think your grass is greener thing is right. If he worked somewhere else he wouldn't get school holidays off and if he works until 9pm twice a week as a teacher, he'd probably do it monday-thursday in another profession.

He works in an independent school - work/life balance will be zero in term time. Boarding duties can keep you in school until 11 or 11.30 at night. I have colleagues who might be in school every day including Sunday for a fortnight or three weeks at a time.

What job do you do, OP?

Does he work in a boarding school? Then the late nights and Saturdays mornings make sense. The school I am in if you live offsite you don’t have to do evening duties but this isn’t the case in all schools. I have to Saturday mornings and 2 terms of Saturday afternoon.

This is really hard if you have small kids, my are grown which is why I can do it.

I’m a teacher in a boarding school and it is very, very full on in term time. I do the morning school run but dh ends up doing the cooking and evening stuff (even though he is a man!!) - I’m generally marking / responding to emails until 9. At report times I’ll be working till 10. School ends at 5 with a weekly 6pm finish, so not home early, + lots of parents evenings and Saturday/ Sunday duties. I can absolutely believe that OPs dh works this hard. We all do!

@adviceneeded1990

As you say, YOU work at a state school, HE works at an Indie

there's a MASSIVE difference.

@Chikoletta

Are the 9pm finishes for work or hobby??

Genuine, not bitchy, question. Before you were pregnant (this time) were you struggling with the situation or do you think it's a mix of hormones/exhaustion at this stage of your pregnancy that's making it feel so much worse.

I think most of us involved with Indie schools, live for the holidays to reset. Properly clean the house etc

However, if he's not doing what he could be doing at home he needs telling!!

He needs to engage with you & the kids more in term time even if it means working after the kids are in bed or making time to do things at the weekend. Kids live an early morning park visit & pancakes before Daddy has to go to work

Lol your dh is taking the piss. My dh and I have worked jobs that cost us both 60+ hours a week whilst raising two kids. We still manage to help each other with household chores and life admin.

Sorry OP - you have a dh problem

I would also add that I have a partner who has recently.moved in and has picked up the lion's share in terms of household/domestic duties and this has contributed to me feeling I could do do a permanent teaching role now.

@FabFebHalfTerm which he’s choosing to do? Therefore choosing to opt completely out of family life for approx 40 weeks a year. Do female teachers at independent schools do the same, is what I’d like to know. I’d bet they don’t.

I'm a faculty head teacher of 2 different department. I do drop offs and pick ups every day. I never work at night. Never work at weekends. Everything gets done, results have never been better. We've been inspected every 6 months for the past 2 years because the school keeps failing. No stress, no pressure, no worries. It's mindset he needs to change. I look at my colleagues, stressed, carrying massive bags in and out of school. I see a shed load of work creation and people making themselves look busy. They'll be gone in 5 years, grey, sweating and shaking. I'll be there until I choose, happy as larry and having all the fun I can.

Im a female teacher. There is no choice but to "opt out' its the job. You can't physically be in two places at once. The OP knows this. She has been there. This is so dismissive of his problem as well as hers.

Even when hine there ia so much more to do at night. Its not a case of prioritiaing. Things have to be done for leasons. Non teachers really do not understand this.

Op. The only way my family survived this was by me leaving teaching. Not always easy to do

I'm a (female) teacher at an independent school and tbf dh does have to do all the drop offs. We're both on parental leave arm but when that finishes, mornings will be tough for him.

However it is rare, like 5 times a year, that I stay later than 5pm. I do have a long commute but if I didn't, I could do all the pickups easily.

I will say that I'm a BoD and work at a day school. HoD, SLT and/or boarding school would be a whole different matter.

It's my deliberate choice never to seek promotion within school for the sake of time with family.

Apart from the poster just before this post who is in the same position as the husband with the same hours…

Exactly!

@Britpop123 the one who said she left to prioritise her family? Or the one with the grown up kids who waited until they were adults to go full time? 🤔 I believe that if your job isn’t working for your family then you need to rethink, this guys kids won’t remember how hard he worked they will remember having an absent dad!

The one who also works until 9-10 and who’s H has to do the evenings.

it’s a teacher problem not a man problem (in this case)

I believe that if your job isn’t working for your family then you need to rethink, this guys kids won’t remember how hard he worked they will remember having an absent dad!
A lot of teachers are realising this and voting with their feet.
My realisation was that my DC were getting a worse version of me so that other people's children could have the best of me

Teachers working in school till 9pm regularly?

Im a teacher married to a teacher with two young children. Both work in independent sector. DH is in senior job and I have additional responsibilities. We manage with difficulty. However, he's only at work late when strictly necessary (parents evenings mostly done online now, I'd say 2x late evenings per half term on other things). He changed jobs after we had children and very much adopted the "it's a job" mindset - he's home by 5 but works from 7.30-9 after bedtime and tidying, as do I. We both still do a very good job, noone thanks you for working any harder and our family life is important.

I am a primary school teacher. My dcs are uni students now but I was pretty much the primary carer as my dh worker longer hours and often weekends. All my prep was done after 9 when they went to bed.
( But not in the UK).

I couldn't maintain full time teaching once I had my son. As soon as possible (6 months after returning from mat leave), I dropped my hours. Those 6 months working full time with a military husband who was away Monday - Friday were some of the worse. I am so much happier working part-time and now I've had my second DC, I've requested to reduce my hours further to 2 days. It's unfortunate that I'll have to take a cut in pay but the stress isn't worth it and my own children need to be my priority.

My husband is a SLT teacher in a Religion based school and his hours are amazing.

He leaves at about 8am in the morning and is home by 4pm.

He has previously worked in two mainstream schools (not as SLT but just as a teacher) but even then he would be home by 5.30pm each evening at the absolute latest.

I would be very suspicious about these 9pm finishes…..

I am a single parent teacher. Of course I don't stay at work till 9pm. Say what you like, but that is a choice. No-one HAS to do that.