How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

I work in an indie boarding school and the hours are long. We teach 8.00am to 4.20pm and people do evening duties until at least 9.00pm once a week, often later. There are also loads of patrols, far more than a day school.

I work at a state school, we’re able to stay in the building til 9 as things like the pool and football pitches are rented out, so the building is open anyways. I’m never there beyond 5, unless it’s an open evening etc.

I imagine he gets paid more for being at a boarding school but could be wrong. I would look to spend some of that on a cleaner.
he gets long holidays where he steps up at home so look forward to those to keep you going. it’s going to be more than 1/4 of the year.
what time does nursery open, is it possible to take them before going to school some days - mine is open before 7:45 but I understand that some won’t be.

Is there a particular reason he has to stay in this job? Sounds like the particular school is working against your family life. One of the good things about teaching is that it's relatively easy to change jobs.

Also, sounds like nursery is far away if you have to take public transport. Is there one within walking distance that you can get in instead? That would probably make a big difference.

Many people with ridiculous hours and still manage to muck in at home, even if they don't do as much as they'd like. Even teachers in private schools don't have the monopoly on long hours (and have longer holidays than most). Yet we manage.

If he really can't do much during term time (a privilege which is rarely extended to women working long hours) then he needs to do much more during the holidays. He needs to stock up the freezer with batch cooking, do deep cleans, get ahead with admin, anything that can be done in advance, and apart give you some time to recharge.

I’m a teacher and I recognise the stupid hours, I truly do. But he’s taking advantage. He needs to come home by a time agreed by you both, help with dinner, bed time and the daily chores then open his laptop to do whatever needs doing. Don’t enable him to take the piss.

Why choose to work in a boarding school when you know the hours involved.
Can he find a job in a day school or do the benefits of working in his current school outweigh this option?

But I think he has no choice but to be at the school late because it's a boarding school. I don't think he can leave to be at home by an agreed time.

OP - you’ll have to ignore all of the posters who seem incapable of reading the thread properly and not understanding that your DH works in a boarding school and therefore has longer hours where he has to be on school, including evening duties.

Where does it say that he works in a boarding school?

Not independents, which normally have boarding and activities going on.

I am 100% convinced the teachers posting about how he is deliberately staying at work late are missing the key part that he works in an independent boarding school. Two lates a week are not that unexpected, especially as he is teaching until 5.30, not 3.30.

I'd be interested to hear whether female teachers get to opt out of family life during term time too.
lots of female teachers go part-time to manage the job and their families.

It clearly says here he has boarding duty, hence a boarding school. And is teaching until 17:30 other nights

@TheYearOfSmallThings boarding mention here

At 18:16. I’ve posted it above

Married to an assistant head in a full boarding school. I feel your pain about term time (I also work FT in a busy job) and Saturdays (DH does a Friday night duty and gets in about 11 on a quiet Friday). BUT I never ever have to think about school holiday childcare and DH does everything in the holidays. AND DSs will go to the school (if they pass the entrance exams) at much reduced rates. We did have a few fights with the Headmaster about meetings at no notice in the holidays when I was at work and the Headmaster was baffled that I wasn’t available to look after DSs.

I'd be interested to hear whether female teachers get to opt out of family life during term time too.

Well my husband takes on most of the housework during term time. I wouldn't say I 'opt out' but he definitely does more. We both work in independent schools but my role is more senior and much more demanding. He sees our kids more than I do, asI have more late nights than him. I have to work some Saturdays too, and he has our children then. It works for us though, and our children attend the junior section of my school, for a huge staff discount, which makes it all worthwhile.

You don’t let him use being a teacher as an excuse!
Im a teacher. I work A LOT of hours. I also do all the cleaning at home (my husband does all the cooking). If we’re ever lucky enough to have a baby we’ll share that too!

Maybe he needs to rethink time management. 'Being a teacher' doesn't need to be an all emcompassing lifestyle. It really really doesn't. I'm a teacher of 26 years and it took me years to realise I could adhere to my T&C's as stated on contract. You don't sound to have a fair division of labour, you can't do everything and he needs to do his 35 hours or whatever and then stop. Otherwise he's working for less than minimum wage as per hours etc!!!

I hear you OP! My DH works in a big independent school and we have two small children. He works full days Monday to Saturday, and isn't home until 9.45pm on Fridays because he doesn't finish until 9.35pm (house duty). He sometimes does Sundays and also does camp 2x a year (2-4 nights away each time)

I work 3 days a week from home in a very flexible role. in term time it is hard, but I do the majority of the house work, almost all drop offs and pick ups. My DH gets up at 4am, empties the dishwasher/ reloads with anything out / puts away stuff on the draining board. He sometimes hangs laundry if it's there to be done. Cycles to work, finishes about 5 and cycles home to be home for 5.30 ish. He usually takes over child related stuff and I do cooking/clearing up/housework. He gets them ready for bed including bath if it's bath night, then I get them to sleep. So I feel like its fair, even though its hard. His 'me time' is his cycle commute, as even though its his commute it obviously takes longer by bike and he sometimes goes a longer route in the mornings. my 'me time' is in the evenings when I usually watch TV, speak to mum, sew, chill with my guinea pigs, or decorate 🤣

In holidays he does 90% of the drop offs and pick ups, we have lots of family time, generally it's just all a lot more relaxed. he will do the morning routine while I chill upstairs, and if it's one of my work days then I start earlier and add to my flex hours. I also sometimes work over in the holidays just to build up some 'insurance' in hours. I cover all the sick days in term time, he does in the holidays.

I think its easier to cope with the hardness of it if you can each get some time to yourselves, even if it's not much.

they'd just get rid of anyone who did this at my DHs school.

Maybe he needs to rethink time management. 'Being a teacher' doesn't need to be an all emcompassing lifestyle.

Depends on the school, especially if it's a private boarding school. I looked at applying for a full-time job at the one where I already worked 2 mornings a week. Then I looked at the ft working hours. And then I laughed long and hard and didn't apply! He could move schools though.

I knew this was going to be about a boarding school!

I think your issues are: a) he's an early career teacher - this always means more work/planning/prep

b) you live 40min from the school! This is unrealistic for boarding unfortunately. At all DH's schools, all teachers lived on campus (sadly not offered as widely these days but it's wonderful for family life and popping in and out during the day) or very close. At our current school fewer staff live on campus but I don't know anyone who lives more than about 15 min drive away. Otherwise it would be totally unsustainable.

c) school hours and expectations seem excessive. I've never known a school where teachers need to be on site 8:30-5:30 every day. DH has always had some earlier and some later finishes. Also two boarding duties a week doesn't sound normal for a regular member of staff either... typically it would be one for a regular teacher attached to a house.

I think I'd be reconsidering the school!

My contracted hours are not 35 per week. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 it is actually in my contract that it should be 42 hours averaged over the whole year (when obviously there are large parts of that that are holidays). I have opted out of the working time directive. A typical week is between 50-60 hours, then add on parents evenings, carol services, speech days, house parties etc…

There are perks (and I love it) but boardings school hours and not the same as state - but you do get extended holidays to balance it out.

Which varies to be fair. Most aren't working during the holidays, they certainly aren't at school which is closed (been told by caretaker firmly when have to be off site. Equally during term time need to be off site by 4.30pm)