How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

A teacher in a boarding school like the OP’s DH? If so, then you’re very fortunate (and unusual) to never have to do evening duties. If not, then your situation is entirely irrelevant.

I would hope a lorry driver doesn't switch off whilst on the road! Driving long distances is tiring the amount of concentration required, 100% required also. They Don't get 13 weeks off a year to recharge either which I think was the posters point.

I’m not saying it easy. I’m saying one job takes huge amounts of nervous energy and planning. It takes its toll. You can’t hide. Parents want your time, kids want your time. You have lessons to plan and deliver to a high standard plus all the extra curricular requirements. Boarding schools are in no way comparable to the state sector.

What exactly is he doing? I’m a secondary school teacher and don’t stay until 9pm any night. I only really work from home when I have marking to get through as I’ve been teaching long enough now to have resources planned. He really needs to start doing more at home and stop using his job as an excuse.

In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

You seem to be talking about this as if it's what life would be like if he had another job. It's not - and you'd get a lot less of that holiday time! Obviously life would be lovely if neither of you worked but you had a FT salary coming in, but, alas...

A lot of that time is taken up with planning and prep.

I’m a teacher- I do the drop offs and pick ups (breakfast and after school clubs) the housework and life admin. It’s exhausting and feels very much unnoticed and unappreciated. Such is life.
My husband works too- a somewhat more stressful job. But that’s neither here nor there. Your husband has zero excuse!

Have you worked in a boarding school?

Try being married to someone who works long hours without having every summer/christmas/easter/half term off! I’m lucky to get DH to take 10 days off a year.

So you compared it to your own job based on your vague, uninformed impression of what it looks like from a distance. How do you feel when people do that about teaching?

🤦🏻‍♀️

NO. I know exactly what it’s like. I was married to a teacher in a mixture of independent schools over many years. I’ve seen it up close and personal. It’s very demanding . If you don’t put the hours in you don’t progress. Simple. I lived on site for a lot of that time. I hated the life. I found it very hard but it was what OH had chosen and once we had kids it wasn’t easy to leave.

This is such a Mumsnet cliche - a poster comes on and describes what a useless partner they have, how everything is on her etc, then casually mentions that they are also pregnant, knowing full well what their partner is like. I agree with all the previous poster asking why you are having another child in this situation?

9pm a couple of nights a week is BS. Schools normally lock their doors at 6pm.

Erm you've clearly never worked in an independent boarding school 🤦‍♀️

OP, my husband and I are both teachers and we've both done boarding and day independent schools. When we had kids, we decided that boarding was not working any more, so my husband moved schools. Now we both work in independent day schools and it works well. We still have some late nights and a huge workload, but it is manageable now.

I've never worked in the independent sector so I don't know if the salaries are similar, but could he not look for a job in a state school instead?

I'd be interested to hear whether female teachers get to opt out of family life during term time too.

This.

Obviously, the OP would probably have got some different responses, if she had put in her title, or at least OP "..........a teacher who works at a Private boarding school and is contracted to work well into the evenings regularly and also on a Saturday morning" as this is clearly a niche role that isn't the experience of most teachers.

I mean, he obviously decided to apply for this role, presumably knowing the ridiculous hours ? Whether that was before or after you got together I don't know, but how it works (or doesn't) with family life is something you would have discussed over the years as your circumstances changed / or before he took the job if it is recent ? So, what is his plan for how the dc and household run during term time ?
Or
Do you both take into account the fact that Private schools tend to have much more holiday than state schools, so those weeks and weeks of him not needing to be at school do counter balance the term time hours ?

In the early days of teaching planning the lessons takes a long time. Getting familiar with the exam specs takes time.

That having been said he could arrange to come back on the nights he does not have evening duties and do dinner and bedtime.

Many teachers (myself included) come home, sort the kids out and then mark/plan/dk paperwork once they are in bed/settled down.

Indies are more intense than state and state are pretty intense.

I hope they're paying him well.

A teacher in a boarding schoollike the OP’s DH?

Where does it say he works at a boarding school?

OP - you’ll have to ignore all of the posters who seem incapable of reading the thread properly and not understanding that your DH works in a boarding school and therefore has longer hours where he has to be on school, including evening duties.

Comments like “well I leave school at 4pm and manage” are completely irrelevant.

The reality is it is going to be hard for the next few years. Prioritise and don’t worry if the house isn’t tidy. Try and embrace the positive side of him working such long hours in a boarding school - he gets the long holidays where you’ve admitted he is a wonderful father and husband. Just focus on that. Take each 6 week term as it comes and get through to the next holiday.

On a practical note - can you learn to drive / get a car so you’re not doing the school runs on public transport?

Boarding schools really are a different world - it is a lifestyle job as it is all consuming during term time. On a typical week I work 8 - 6 Mon, Tue, Thurs, Fri, 8- 4 Wednesday (games afternoon so no lessons and I don’t do sports) Saturdays 8-4.

At my school I don’t live in school so don’t have to do a boarding duty, those that do live onsite have to do 1 evening a week until 10.30. Most teachers also coach a sports team for 1 or 2 terms.

So why do it? I love it! I love getting to know the students is completely different ways, my department is fully resourced and my biggest class is 20 so I can actually teach, not crowd control, I have less lessons per week (more planning and prep time), I get to work in a beautiful place and extra holidays. We get an extra 6 weeks compared to state.

My kids are flown so I have the time, I would struggle with this if I had littlies.

Try driving a massive articulated lorry around London, getting in and out of tiny spaces and trying to avoid hitting kamikaze car drivers and cyclists who hate you and the very fact that you are on the road but are too dumb to realise they wouldn’t be able to buy essentials like food without you being on it, then tell me you can switch off!

Not trying to derail but just struck by the thread title as if being married to a teacher is a particularly hard.

You say how does anyone stay married to a teacher?

How would this be easier if you left him?

I read the boarding school update after posting.

Well tbh as a female teacher, the answer is that I do let a lot slip during term time and the holidays is when the house gets sorted. my DP pulls his weight but we both leave things house work wise if there just isn’t the time to do it.

The OP posted at 18:16 that he did boarding duty - so a boarding school.