How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

I was shit at housework when I was a teacher and had no time for anything else, it was awful. Thankfully that was before we had children. I gave up my career as being a mum was more important and I knew I couldn’t teach and be the kind of mum I wanted to be at the same time. I now have two kids, a less demanding job and a relatively clean/tidy home (though it’s no show home). Not sure that really helps you though OP, sorry.

Yeah but she didn’t say that for a long time after her initial post so you can’t blame people for replying to that. The issue isn’t him being a teacher. It’s him working in a boarding school so the whole initial post is misleading as to what the actual issue is. Hence the replies lacking “comprehension”.

I was going to say the same. My friend works in an independent school. She has 2 DC. She leaves the house at 6.30am and gets home at 6.30pm. She lucky she has a DM and MIL who have basically bought the DC up. Her DH works long hours too. Yes she gets long holidays when, in her words, she gets to “play mummy”. She has never taken her children to school in term time or collected them. She missed taking her children on their first days at school, she always misses assemblies, school plays etc. She is also required to cover boarding in evenings and weekends on a rota. I can’t comment on how they do domestic jobs but I’m not convinced she does much around the house. This definitely isn’t a male/female thing. It’s a state v’s independent school thing. I know teachers in state schools and they definitely do not do the hours or have the expectation put on them that my friend in the independent school does.

I appreciate this is irritating if you have been on the thread from the beginning but the reality of MN is that many posters only read the OP and then respond, and OP forgot to include the highly relevant detail that her DH works in a boarding school. It’s annoying but it won’t change as long as MNHQ don’t allow a pinned update post at the top of the thread.

My knowledge of boarding schools is relatively limited to a few friends but based on what they have told me it seems very unusual to have a forty-minute commute to a job in a boarding school. I had the impression that most staff live close by or on site precisely because of the long days. Is that an option, OP?

Look at it this way, OP - Why do any of us look to having good jobs? Good finance? A good homelife? - It's so we can enjoy our loved ones with very little financial stress, but time with loved ones is priceless. Money comes and goes.

It is pointless working all the hours god sends for a bucket load of money you cannot enjoy, especially when the enjoyment of your family is put at stake. Nothing can give you the time back to enjoy precious moments with your family.

My husband and I have learned that the hard way. We took a financial cut so we could spend more time together as a family. We manage. Yes there is financial struggle, but that isn't as misery making as it was not spending time with one another and our children.

We have so many more days out in the wilderness: swimming, forest walks, picnics, cold water dips at waterfalls we find in forests and mountains, visiting family, taking our dogs with us. The freedom is lovely.

Find that balance.

Neither DH or I are teachers, but I still had the bulk of the childcare duties - the drop offs and the pick ups - because he worked further away than I did. I sacrificed a career to stay in a flexible workplace that enabled me to do it.

There are other demanding careers other than teaching.

@LooksLikeImStuckHere

it's all getting confusing with everyone talking at cross purposes.

im saying it's relevant as posters are saying 'Im a teacher & Im always home by x' 'I do all the pick ups' etc etc.

teaching at a state school & teaching at a private school (particularly boarding) are like chalk & cheese.

many teachers who have taught at both (& their partners) will tell you that & it's generally accepted that term time is a bit crap but the longer holidays make up for it, especially when it mean the family then doesn't need school holiday provision for their children.

What an odd contribution. I am sure OP was not implying that teaching is the only time consuming career.

It's not a competition.

No you misunderstand. They think children in boarding schools are all tucked up in bed by 3.30 so don't need any supervision or activities.

Yes and any teacher who stays beyond that time is ‘swanning about’. I wonder what the parents would think of that?

This isn’t necessarily true. Some boarding schools have limited staff accommodation, and this is reserved for house masters/ mistresses/ on call staff. Also they may have already lived in their house before he got the job and for various reasons decided not to move.
When my friends husband took early retirement from the boarding school he was at, he moved in with her at the boarding school she worked at. He then looked for a part time teaching job and the closest he could get was a 40 minute drive away.

Yes and any teacher who stays beyond that time is ‘swanning about’. I wonder what the parents would think of that?
As a parent and former teacher I'd assume that like any workplace there's people who work hard and do a good job and some who are lazy.

I'd also assume, based on my own experiences, that there's some hands on parents who work late at school so they can spend time with their families at home/so their fair share around the home (or they're keeping their head above water and doing what's needed to stop the wheels falling off at home), and there's some people who "work late" to avoid the rush of children's dinner time and bedtime and then probably do the work they didn't do when "working late" to once DC are in bed as a nice way to avoid housework.

Separately to this thread, I don't think it's surprising that there's a lot of threads on here about men who work very long hours out of the house, usually with a long commute, avoiding dinner time abd bed time and then they manage to avoid their share of housework because they're so tired from work / need to disappear for large chunks of the weekend because they're so busy at work / need their me time because it's so hard not doing their share Monday-Friday.
I often find myself wondering what the mothers in those roles are doing because my experience is that even very driven women who value their careers aren't displaying that sort of behaviour.

There are plenty who leave it to the nanny though.

You think being married to a teacher is bad. Try being married to a police officer as I was.

I was married to a police officer, he's retired now. He worked an 8 hr day and didn't bring work home to do, in fact I don't think he'd have been allowed to bring work home. He hated early shifts as he needed to get up at about 4am but then he was home nice and early as well, I loved nights - bed to myself and no snoring for 7 nights out of 28.

Yazzi · Today 04:39

What an odd response. Not my problem if you fail to comprehend the difference between a comparison and a competition.

That was a long time ago though?

7 nights in a row hasn’t been in place for years. It changed to 6 on 4 off with longer shifts years before my dad retired and he has been retired 13 years.

Most of the officers I worked with, I was working in police admin, would have loved six nights instead of 7, most of them were dead on their feet by the 7th shift.

No, because it’s not 6 nights in a row. And longer shifts.

But you ignored the point. That shift pattern that you feel made being married to a police officer, quite likeable was a long time ago.

I am going to guess 20 years. It’s not comparable to someone elses experience of being married to a police officer now.

I'm a teacher who has just stopped doing reports for the night. My husband had the day off so fed and bathed the kids. I did do the collecting from Brownies though. Usually I would do all of it as my DH is home later than me. However, when he stops for the day he stops. I stop in the evening to run after the kids, feed them, take them to hobbies, help with homework then go back to my own work once they are in bed. I'm routinely answering emails, updating the kids learning blogs, planning and marking at 9pm for a couple of hours most evenings.

I think it might have been easier to phrase the problem as married to someone working contracted long hours that are largely non negotiable.

There have been lots of posters who are teachers, but not at boarding school who are explaining how they arrange their time to be more flexible or get home earlier....which is largely irrelevant....but had the problem been phrased differently people married to others with similar non flexible working hours may have been able to advise.
A pp who mentioned being married to an HGV driver was scoffed at because HGV driving isn't the same as teaching, but their experience might be more relevant than a teacher who is able to leave at 5pm, do dinner/bedtime routine and then work at home for several hours.

Yes but the point is you can’t leave at 5 pm and work at home for several hours much of the time. Not in a Boarding school. If you live on site it’s possible to pop back for dinner at 6pm possibly and then go back in for evening duties. Obviously this isn’t every day though. The commuting distance is definitely the issue . Living on site makes things much easier. Plus the OP doesn’t drive. That makes things a hundred times harder.

Fizbosshoes
I partially agree with you. The 9pm finishes some evenings being mandatory and known about when taking the job is something that would have been best put in the opening post, but I think a lot of people would still say it's reasonable for both parents to be doing their fair share at home (which may not be 50/50).

Regardless of job, it really comes down to whether people accept that someone gets to opt out of home life for a substantial part of the week.

Different people will have different lines on this.

I guess the OP would like it if her husband worked six days and then had 4 off. Seems like he does 6 days and then one day off. He also seems to work more than a 12 hr shift several days a week. There are lots of downs about being married to a polcie officer but the implication that the hours are worse than the OPs husband are just wrong. Police officers work a contracted 36 hrs a week which is clearly far less than the boarding school teacher.

I see to be a full-time teacher.
They don't.