Lost and alone, no idea how to help myself any more

[Completelydefeated]

I’m posting here as I have no one to turn to. I have suffered loss after loss over the last couple of years. The death of my beloved mother following an extended period caring for her after a devastating diagnosis, even our lovely cat shortly after, I have moved, changed jobs, been diagnosed with early menopause (no children but always had hope I would be a mother). I feel like every element of my life has been picked off, bit by bit, out of my control.
My relationship (don’t live together) is coming to an end. I don’t have any family left and ‘friends’ are all busy with their own lives. I deal with everything life throws at me on my own.

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn to. I am severely depressed but high functioning. I have sought help from the GP and am having counselling but nothing works anymore. I exercise and eat well for all the difference it makes. I feel like half a person and can’t share my feelings with anyone in real life. I can manage to engage with colleagues to do my job but can’t relate to anyone due to everything I have been through.

I feel like it is one thing after another and I don’t have any support which would help me massively. I am only in my early 40s but I feel like my life is over and am in a state of high alert, wondering what will go wrong next.

I am lonely and like one of those Help the Aged ads you see. Going weeks without seeing anyone, unless I go to work or to the shops. I can’t bring myself to talk to people or do anything outside of work and yet I am so lonely it is physically painful. I don’t have any next of kin, no one to comfort me when I am upset, talk to about my day. Alone all the time other than when I go to work. I know no one has any answers but I have lost all hope. I don’t feel like I am important or contribute to society.

Not sure what I hope to gain from this. Perhaps it’s just the act of writing it all out. I can’t face another possible 40 years of this. The main thing is not having any support. I know life is what you make of it. I have tried to be positive and not think about what has happened but (and I know this may not sound nice), some people seem to have things slot in to place in life. I listen to people talk about their partners, children, wider family etc. I just have to sit there and plaster on a smile. I feel like I have been dealt a bad card and don’t know what to do to dig myself out of it. No one exists who loves me or even cares about me. It makes my heart break even more. I’m not some awful person. I can’t understand why this is happening to me and am frightened about what the future holds (or doesn’t). Thanks for reading.

I asked you where you were yesterday and you replied with a strange "Well, have you found my Mum and are you planning on reuniting us.."

???

I'm also on the south-east and wondered if you'd even like to meet for tea and chat.
But now I'm not so sure.

I was trying to help, and I don't appreciate sarcastic answers.

Sometimes people are their own worst enemy.

I'm sorry for you.

Whoops! Naughty me. That’s me told. @penji I found the way you posted abrupt is all. I am in a sensitive frame of mind.

I'm so sorry and totally get you! Living on autopilot and trying to please others meanwhile battling the idea of just curling up into a ball and say fuck off to everything? Feeling like this yet work and family, extra caring for beloved ones, life exhausts me! Like you I probably need to ask for help but 'me' is bottom of my list after everything else so never get round to it. We should make a pact to do it, seek help for us! Please feel free to pm me. Xx

When I've suffered badly with depression, things that have helped me have been going to the gym and volunteering. Would you give either of those a try ? Would you consider volunteering with older people ? Local councils are always looking for befrienders for older people, volunteer shoppers and drivers etc x

Thanks @MummyRM100 I exercise but prefer outdoors rather than the gym. I would consider volunteering at some point. How did you manage to get the motivation to do it? I can barely get dressed at the moment.

These are the two things that came into my head instantly. I have lost my best friend, my17 year old cat, a husband and a parent in the last few years. Also a change of medication helped enormously. Go back to your GP as a start. Good luck moving forward.

Thanks @jötunnn I don’t have any family left now and no close friends. My mum was my best friend. Everyone else is busy with their own lives. I have mentioned to people before how much I am struggling but they just say “it must be hard”. I don’t matter to anyone. If someone told me about some of the things I had told others, I would be worried sick but I’m not anyone’s priority. I need a shove and support to get myself out in the world again. I’ve lost all hope and can’t see a way forward or future for myself. I will try some of the things people have suggested here. I just feel like half a person. I have battled with depression for years and after everything life has thrown at me over the last few years, I feel like it’s the final straw. No idea how to recover from it all. It wouldn’t matter to anyone if I fell off the face of the earth.

Firstly - it would matter to me if you "fell off the face of the earth". It would matter deeply to people who haven't even met you, who don't know you. Sounds twee but strangers out there are friends you've just not met yet.

When I've had depression my motivation to try and keep myself busy comes naturally - because I desperately don't want to be depressed anymore and will literally try anything to help. I realise that when most people are depressed and anxious they isolate themselves away from but for some reason, I'm the opposite. It helps me to be physically around others. Hence the gym. It's not because I particularly love it but just being in an environment where there's other people helps me as do the endorphins. The company of others albeit work colleagues / strangers is what keeps me going.

Please go back to your doctor for more support - medication or a different type of therapy.

I found going to church helped too. I'm not even particularly religious !!!! But it was something to fill Sunday mornings and everyone there was so friendly and kind. I too have little relationship with family so if nothing else, church became a social thing for me even if it was just for the coffee and chats at the end of service.

@Nestofwalnuts

That's a wonderful post.

Hello. You sound wonderful. Would you consider joining a local choir/ singing group? I love mine because you don't actually have to talk to people much if you don't want to but singing brings a wonderful feeling of connection and wellbeing. Be kind to yourself as the loss of a wonderful mum is a huge, huge blow

What a fab idea - I might do this myself !
I've heard of rock choir or something like that - they do pop songs etc. It looks fab it's a National thing I believe

Op you mentioned being dragged out of depression.
The only thing that's helped me with the depression is antidepressants.

No, you didn't put yourself there. I fought against antidepressants I was convinced that I could be normal. I beat myself up for not being normal and coming off then was my chance to be normal.
In my case I had a breakdown that lasted a year.

My return to antidepressants 20 years ago helped me just able to at least live.

All the other life stuff has been totally crap for sure. As I've mentioned. For me I don't think I'd be here without meds.

Perhaps it's something you would reconsider.

X

rockchoir.com/

Would it be okay to message you? I'm in my early 40s and in a really similar situation to you at the mo. I was reading your thread and just nodding because I feel exactly the same. If you'd like some friendship and support from someone who is in just the same boat, I'd be happy to chat. And, let's be fair, to have someone to chat to who gets what it's like and isn't busy with their own life...

I think taking one step - joining the bereavement board on here is exactly what you need right now. Being with people who 'get' what you are going through is a profound relief at times of crisis, trauma and grief. It is one of the healthiest things to do. So it is very wrong of posters to dismiss that step or challenge it. It's a vital step..

But... (again, sharing own experience in case it helps) just as I reframed my attitude to friendship, I also reframed my attitude to what you describe as the Disney way of looking at the world. I can't bear toxic positivity. That Don't Worry Be Happy slogan used to put me in a filthy mood. But I did realise that having - say - a long bath by candlelight was a little bit nicer that stewing in front of shit TV not feeling up to even taking a quick shower. It didn't change how I felt about grief at all but - and this was the crucial thing - in the moment it was just that tiny incrementally bit pleasanter than slumping in a void. Just while it happened. I gradually trained myself to stitch together activities and behaviours which were just a teensy bit less grim and dull than the depressive stupor I was in, and bit by bit they lifted the fog.

That is not me in any way saying don't grieve, or that you have no right to be depressed. Of course you do. You have been through hell. But you also have the right to heal and 9 times out of 10 - or more, that healing only comes if we do stuff we really don't feel like doing because we know it is supposed to help. Which you are already doing with the exercise and eating. Picking the easiest version of self care or reconnecting with the world and giving it a go for a few weeks with no expectation of it lifting your mood was, in my experience, the way forward. We don;t have to be or feel chipper, but a lot of the cliched advice about self care actually works very gradually if it becomes habitual.

I second the person who suggested volunteering. It takes the pressure off you to ‘entertain’ others or be upbeat and you don’t have to contribute in any other way than doing the job at hand. Worked for friend in similar position to yours and now she has a new career (counselling).

Thank you everyone for the wonderful ideas. I’m going to take some time to have a look tomorrow at volunteering opportunities and I have signed up to the bereavement board. I appreciate you taking the time to try and bolster a complete stranger at rock bottom. It’s so kind. I know I might seem resistant to some ideas but it’s very much baby steps for me. I’m not the same person I once was and I don’t know which way is up but believe me when I say I do want to change that and I know it comes from within.
@ZeppelinTits of course, please do😊

I was thinking of you earlier, and wondered whether you might enjoy volunteering to read to rescue dogs in kennels? Sounds a bit mad, but I know some charities like Dogs on the Streets say it makes a big difference to the dogs' welfare, and it would provide you with peaceful companionship without having to talk with humans much if you're not in the mood.

Congratulations on taking the first steps. You are brave.

Well done on taking the first steps OP. That's so positive. I've been pushing myself to do things this year. It's hard but so worth it.

Wishing you all the best.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023
just spotted the link I referred to earlier has been overtaken by a new thread- @Completelydefeated please post there for folk who will understand.

Op I'm so sorry to read this. Please keep talking on here you've had some lovely support. Having recently lost my dog the guilt and grief I feel is unreal and has consumed me. I have ocd too so that doesn't help. Just letting you know you're not alone and if you were in the North I would have had a coffee with you. You're lonely now but when you're ready to put yourself out there you will meet new people. Stay strong!

Thank you @thesandwich I posted on the wrong thread, which would explain why there haven’t been any further posts!

Thank You @Helplessandheartbroke . I’m sorry to read of your loss. I miss my sweet cat too. It’s horrible having to let a furry companion go x