Lost and alone, no idea how to help myself any more

[Completelydefeated]

I’m posting here as I have no one to turn to. I have suffered loss after loss over the last couple of years. The death of my beloved mother following an extended period caring for her after a devastating diagnosis, even our lovely cat shortly after, I have moved, changed jobs, been diagnosed with early menopause (no children but always had hope I would be a mother). I feel like every element of my life has been picked off, bit by bit, out of my control.
My relationship (don’t live together) is coming to an end. I don’t have any family left and ‘friends’ are all busy with their own lives. I deal with everything life throws at me on my own.

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn to. I am severely depressed but high functioning. I have sought help from the GP and am having counselling but nothing works anymore. I exercise and eat well for all the difference it makes. I feel like half a person and can’t share my feelings with anyone in real life. I can manage to engage with colleagues to do my job but can’t relate to anyone due to everything I have been through.

I feel like it is one thing after another and I don’t have any support which would help me massively. I am only in my early 40s but I feel like my life is over and am in a state of high alert, wondering what will go wrong next.

I am lonely and like one of those Help the Aged ads you see. Going weeks without seeing anyone, unless I go to work or to the shops. I can’t bring myself to talk to people or do anything outside of work and yet I am so lonely it is physically painful. I don’t have any next of kin, no one to comfort me when I am upset, talk to about my day. Alone all the time other than when I go to work. I know no one has any answers but I have lost all hope. I don’t feel like I am important or contribute to society.

Not sure what I hope to gain from this. Perhaps it’s just the act of writing it all out. I can’t face another possible 40 years of this. The main thing is not having any support. I know life is what you make of it. I have tried to be positive and not think about what has happened but (and I know this may not sound nice), some people seem to have things slot in to place in life. I listen to people talk about their partners, children, wider family etc. I just have to sit there and plaster on a smile. I feel like I have been dealt a bad card and don’t know what to do to dig myself out of it. No one exists who loves me or even cares about me. It makes my heart break even more. I’m not some awful person. I can’t understand why this is happening to me and am frightened about what the future holds (or doesn’t). Thanks for reading.

When I was in a similar situation I joined Borrow My Doggy. Stomping through the woods at the weekend with a doggy companion is just brilliant. Can't have a pet because of work and live in rented accommodation but borrowing one is perfect. You also get to know the owners as well and I have formed friendships that way. They might be in there 70s and 80s but a friend is a friend.

@LostinSpacialAwareness thanks for the suggestion. I enjoy caring for people and the loss of losing that role when my mum died has been another thing I grieve for. I don’t know where to put those skills or what to do with myself if I don’t have a person or animal to care for. I think I would be good at volunteering in a hospital but my mum was in hospital for some time before she came home. The sight of ambulances, medical personnel, equipment and basically everything that goes with that including hospitals (sights, smells, sounds) makes my blood run cold and causes anxiety and flashbacks. I simply cannot set foot in one currently. I know you are trying to help and I appreciate it because you’re not to know the background. Even medical dramas/docs are a no go. It’s like going back in time.

That’s an idea I have considered @Greensleevevssnotnose - a lovely furry friend without the full time commitment.
One thing that I wondered about was that I don’t have any experience with dogs (cat person). Do you need to have? What if it runs off never to return, bites someone or eats something it shouldn’t and keels over? As you can see, having been through what I have I immediately jump to what will go wrong for me. I cannot switch it off! Perhaps I’ll just dress a cat up as a dog and walk that.

Just wanted to say I understand and there are lots of us that are sending you love 💐 some good advice on this thread for you.

Well done OP for having the strength to write this and open up. It’s not easy. You are much stronger than you realise and I do hope things improve for you.

I'm.sorry I haven't had chance to read any further comments other than your initial one but my advice is to seriously consider getting a rescue dog..instant love on both sides and they're great at getting you out and about and you'll have something to talk about. Seriously think about it!

Can you get a dog? Im not being flippant. My dog saved me.

if it’s hard for work can you do something so you could get one.

I was in a very dark place for several years. I’m thriving now. There is hope.

What would your lovely mum say? I bet she thought you were a wonderful person deserving of happiness. Can you try to imagine yourself through her eyes, and treat yourself how your Mum would want you treated? I.e. with compassion and kindness.

I know it is very hard, but if you want things to change you need to change something. Can you join a book group? Then you have a ready made topic of conversation. Or how about going on a marvelous adventure with one of the travel companies that specialises in single adult travellers? I have a friend in a similar situation and she has started going on the most wonderful adventures and has met some great people that way whilst having a blast seeing the world. You won't be stuck for conversation as you will be exploring new places together.

@Completelydefeated

I can't seem to comprehend it either.
It's like you know it's happening, that it will happen.
Then it happens.

I'm 4 months on and I'm not in denial but I'm in a place of so ok that's actually it forever now then.
How do I cope with that, how does the grief get intertwined with my life for the next 30 odd years.

My life grows around it? Hopefully. But my life is stagnant and my health is poor.
This seemed doable B4 this.

Her death has made me feel like the rest of my life will be one to endure.
I wasn't brought up to feel sorry for myself, I'm very aware that this aspect probably goes against wanting to feel a bit sorry for myself.

That I feel like if I do need some empathy or something that actually there's no point to that.

It's exhausting. That feeling if it must be me. I really don't want that feeling because I logically know it's not 'me'

I am considering trying to find some grief support. I live very rurally tho.

Plus right now all I want to do is go to bed for a long time.

Again I'm not sure how writing this down is going to help You. I just feel like it's moaning on your thread, but I'm somehow trying to make a connection to feel less alone in this situation.

I don't judge anyone else who asks for advice.

Why the fuck do we judge ourselves.

Arghhhhhh

Xx

My dog got me thru, having something to care for and get up for and still is as I lost my grandad a couple of days ago

@Lakelandmumofthree and @Hmmmmaybe animals are great companions and very special. I’m very much a cat person. One day I will have one in my life again but it’s not possible at the moment.

@Completelydefeated sorry to return but couldn’t get you out of my mind this evening and I remembered that a cafe local to me had started a ‘grief cafe’ as a safe space for those who are grieving. I’ve had a quick google and it looks like there are some similar things nearer you too. It might be a place to meet others who understand the journey you’re on, rather than people you feel like you need to be more upbeat around?

@Completelydefeated also you can still have children in your life. You would make a great adoptive / foster Mum. There are so many children looking for a loving home and you certainly know the value of love and being nurtured and cared for. You would make a positive difference in their lives and they would enrich your life in return. Maybe look into this when you feel ready...

The thing with dogs is that they are also great socially - I’ve made many really good proper friends just by being out with my dog.

but I understand that might not be possible

i think the important thing is not to think that you will feel like this forever. You won’t.

@Ladyj84 sending you strength. Our lovely cat was the only one who got me up in the mornings and meant I had to keep going when my mum died, so I can relate. He relied on me to look after him and he would sense I was upset and comfort me. I hope now he is gone that he and my mum are reunited.

Maybe try a choir or a reading club or the WI or an exercise club or volunteering? Something that gets you involved with people and focused outside yourself and provides in itself an interesting topic of discussion different from talking about your life.

I can relate to what you’re saying so much, minus the grief. Though I’m married without kids I realise my life minus DH would be lonely. Catch ups take a month in advance to plan, replies to texts take days - weeks, other people’s busy and eventful lives and problems take the stage in most of our short interactions. I also really relate to the feeling of ‘tagging on’ The realisation that I need to rebuild my life and support network has been terrifying and depressing but is something I realise is necessary.

For you OP I wonder if the first place to start is group grief counselling? Maybe somewhere you can drop the mask and really talk about your feelings with people who aren’t professionals, but people who relate, people you can let it all out with.

You have a lot you need to get out and maybe it’ll be easier to compartmentalise it, eg you have your emotional needs met at therapy group and then you can better show up to more superficial / weak tie interactions without wanting to flip a table, then eventually moving into the world of volunteering, groups etc

@Whatdotheyknow thank you. I find the hardest thing is finding something specific to people my age whose parents have died. I don’t know that I’ve said where I’m based and I’m sure there are grief cafes here but they tend to be people who have lost partners or children from my experience of the one at the hospice. Then you have groups for young people who have lost parents. I have sort of fallen down a gap in between.

I understand. I don’t know how to carry on. I can only do that if my mum comes back. I’m utterly lost. I know what you mean. Enjoyment when they were here and just endurance now they are gone. It’s so unfair (at the risk of sounding like a toddler denied their favourite tv show). I keep saying to myself ‘get a grip’ and ‘pull yourself together’ but how can I? She was wonderful. One minute she was here. Then she was gone. I can understand how people die of a broken heart because mine is in pieces.

Thanks @Hirguass , that last part about compartmentalising it is a valid one. I hadn’t thought of doing that before. I’m just trying to tackle everything unsuccessfully, then losing heart because nothing is any better or even bearable. It’s just another day with a series of tasks until it’s bedtime and I can shut the pain off for a little while, if I manage to sleep.
I’m sorry you are finding things daunting. It’s understandable. Hard to know where to start to rebuild things.

Hi there reading ur post really got me. Inbox is open if u need a chat x

Oops sorry, I think I must have imagined you said south west, don’t know where that came from! The one I noticed was led by 2 people one who had lost a father and the other a child, midlands based.

Well that’s a nice part of the world in any case @Whatdotheyknow! It’s kind of you to return and post. Thank you.

This is actually a lot more common that you think now. Children are what usually give people purpose and when people don’t have them 40 can be a strange age. I don’t really know the answer because I’m in the same boat except I am also unemployed on top of it. I think it’s just about trying to find your purpose in life or what gives you some satisfaction. I know it’s cliche but maybe look at getting a dog or cat for some company. Hopefully we can both find some meaning with the time we have left.

I hope so too @Mambo19866 . Currently I feel like what is it all for, why am I here doing what I’m doing, for who? I think that’s called an existential crisis.

@Completelydefeated whereabouts in the UK are you? General location or county will do.