Lost and alone, no idea how to help myself any more

[Completelydefeated]

I’m posting here as I have no one to turn to. I have suffered loss after loss over the last couple of years. The death of my beloved mother following an extended period caring for her after a devastating diagnosis, even our lovely cat shortly after, I have moved, changed jobs, been diagnosed with early menopause (no children but always had hope I would be a mother). I feel like every element of my life has been picked off, bit by bit, out of my control.
My relationship (don’t live together) is coming to an end. I don’t have any family left and ‘friends’ are all busy with their own lives. I deal with everything life throws at me on my own.

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn to. I am severely depressed but high functioning. I have sought help from the GP and am having counselling but nothing works anymore. I exercise and eat well for all the difference it makes. I feel like half a person and can’t share my feelings with anyone in real life. I can manage to engage with colleagues to do my job but can’t relate to anyone due to everything I have been through.

I feel like it is one thing after another and I don’t have any support which would help me massively. I am only in my early 40s but I feel like my life is over and am in a state of high alert, wondering what will go wrong next.

I am lonely and like one of those Help the Aged ads you see. Going weeks without seeing anyone, unless I go to work or to the shops. I can’t bring myself to talk to people or do anything outside of work and yet I am so lonely it is physically painful. I don’t have any next of kin, no one to comfort me when I am upset, talk to about my day. Alone all the time other than when I go to work. I know no one has any answers but I have lost all hope. I don’t feel like I am important or contribute to society.

Not sure what I hope to gain from this. Perhaps it’s just the act of writing it all out. I can’t face another possible 40 years of this. The main thing is not having any support. I know life is what you make of it. I have tried to be positive and not think about what has happened but (and I know this may not sound nice), some people seem to have things slot in to place in life. I listen to people talk about their partners, children, wider family etc. I just have to sit there and plaster on a smile. I feel like I have been dealt a bad card and don’t know what to do to dig myself out of it. No one exists who loves me or even cares about me. It makes my heart break even more. I’m not some awful person. I can’t understand why this is happening to me and am frightened about what the future holds (or doesn’t). Thanks for reading.

I really think trying to force yourself out of your comfort zone when you’re still so blindsided by grief might not be a good idea.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, it sounds like you were incredibly close.

There is a really good bereavement topic here where you can share your feelings, and obviously you are more than welcome to chat to us about them too.

Grief counselling could help, and maybe when you’re feeling more on an even keel, you can start to think about what you would like your life to look like.

There are many, many groups set up for single people who would like to make new friends. I met some of my closest friends at an evening course at the local college.

Be kind to yourself OP and I wish you peace, you are still young enough to have a full life in front of you x

https://www.meetup.com/about/

Thank you @BringMeSunshine48 . I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. You are right, that is exactly how I feel. I would love for my problems to be how I am going to juggle the school run and when will my youngest grow out of his ‘only eating fish fingers’ and Haribo phase, rather than how many days until I speak to someone. No one else I know has been through all that I have. I know people will exist who have been, just that everyone I know literally seem to float through life. The type who meet a partner at work even though they weren’t looking and from 45 started popping out three children even though they weren’t bothered about having any. Yet I try so hard and can’t have anything I would like. It is all whipped away. I know comparison is the thief of joy and jealousy is an ugly emotion but I do, I feel jealous. I don’t want to. I don’t enjoy it. It’s mean but it’s an emotion that crops up. Then when I am faced with someone I know say they are having a nightmare and it transpires it’s because their kitchen extension will take 4 weeks longer than planned, I mean yes it’s stressful but I find myself wishing my mum was alive and my biggest worry was an extension completion.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4493231-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-March-2022?page=10&reply=130357515
this was the thread I was thinking about. There may be a newer one, have a look. Folk there will get it.

It sounds a bit weird OP but I found I really missed touch when I had a long period in my life like yours. I used to book myself a monthly full body massage and reflexology but go for whatever floats your boat. I always felt much better after it.

I don’t have any advice OP but I want to let you know that you’re not alone, because life is similar for me. I lost my dad, who was the only person who ever truly looked out for me and I miss him every day. I lost my job, my home, pretty much my whole life when I had a car accident shortly before he died and sustained a TBI which triggered a whole host of health problems. I have no other family I’m in contact with. I have no next of kin either, and no partner. I have a few friends but don’t really feel like I’m anyone’s priority. It’s really hard and I feel like it’s not really appreciated how tough it is, doing everything alone. My friends all get waited on by partners and parents and seem bemused when I’m struggling practically. I need surgery (not urgently but would improve my QoL) however I have no one to stay with me for 24 hours afterwards so can’t go ahead with it

I remember being in hospital and being harangued by a nurse for not having a NoK. ‘You can’t not have a NoK, I have to put someone!! How can you not have a NoK?!’ God it made me feel like shit.

It’s bloody exhausting.

Im sorry to hear how low you feel and I can relate to what you say.

what I have found to be helpful to do when I’m really down is to have something to look forward, to I suppose like a small achievable goal, which doesn’t necessarily depend on other people, e.g. a nice holiday, (although there are lots of organized holidays with a group these days) is there somewhere you have always wanted to travel to? When we meet goals it raises our emotional well-being. What do you like to do?

Give yourself the downtime your body and mind are demanding. You will come round.
Between 2013 (or 2014) and 2020 I spent most of every day in bed, foetal position, waiting to die. Right now, I feel rock solid, happy and ok with myself.
Keep breathing. You will come round.

Hello @Somatosensational I am so sorry for all you are having to endure. It truly is exhausting and draining. Every decision you have to make alone. I have never come across anyone in a similar situation (though knew there must be people out there) and appreciate you posting.

Thanks @Touty I just have lost all motivation. When my mum died it’s like someone sucked the joy out of my life. This is where a good friend or family member would help. To get you out and about, come and cook a meal when you can’t bear to eat etc.

I hope so @StopStartStop I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. Probably not helpful to wallow but I feel so sorry for myself. My mum would be utterly heartbroken if she could see me sitting alone, sobbing.

Oh my love, don't even look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't think you have to be brave, or cheery. When the time comes, you'll do those things. Hide. Rest. Cry when you need to.

I am frightened @StopStartStop that it will be like this forever. Isn’t it incredible how you can cry so much yet the tears never dry up? I would have thought I’d drained my body of them by now. No one should have to go through the tough stuff alone.

Your writing is lovely. It's been proven that if you want to pick up an activity later on life it is easier if you go back to something you did as a child.

For me it was music- I did a lot throughout school but dropped everything when I went to uni. I've joined a choir and it feels a familiar space and not so scary. Do you have anything OP that you enjoyed as a child.

Tears are like kisses - when you run out, you make more. Don't think about the future. Just focus on making a warm space (my bed was my haven, I learned to use countless pillows and half a dozen duvets all at the same time) to snuggle into.

I'm so sorry OP. You have been so much and it's really difficult living with such pain without the support of friends and family.

I wanted to let you know about Gateway Women, an organisation for women who are involuntarily childless. There are articles etc that I have found useful/comforting.

It is really hard being an age where all your friends lives have transformed into busy parenting ones, I really feel your pain on that one. I am so sorry.

I would echo some PP suggesting reaching out to those friends again. I know it's painful but it would be more painful to completely lose those friendships perhaps? In time it may be easier to be around their families.

A therapist once told me about "radical acceptance"- where when something is really difficult and painful but you can't change it, you actively decide to "accept" it, eg stop fighting it and accept the situation you don't like, if it's one you can't change (obviously this doesn't apply to things like abusive relationships, which one should never just accept- but I found it useful in the context of infertility).
Try to find ways to live with the situation, take care of yourself, find new ways to find meaning in life. Nurture new relationships and most of all nurture your relationship with yourself. You sound like a very thoughtful and caring person and you deserve to have a happy life- and other people deserve having a lovely person like you in their lives too.

This is sweet @StopStartStop , thank you.

Thanks @Scaleyflagpole , that’s a nice idea. It won’t be a choir for me unless I want to drive dogs away but I enjoy written communication. It’s my favourite task to do at work.

How kind and heartfelt @AnneOnEeMoose , thank you. You are right about losing friendships. I have basically cut myself off from a lot of people. They text and I delete the messages. I don’t know why or what’s wrong with me. I am lonely but I cannot bear to interact. If I continue, one day there won’t be any messages to delete. I know that but I can’t stop doing it. Perhaps because I can’t relate.

I hope you find happiness OP. Even finding someone to go for a coffee with can change it all around and give you hope.

Thanks @orangegato , that’s exactly it. It’s morbid I know but after watching my mum become unwell and die, I wonder at least once a day who will hold my hand at the end. If I bang my head on the bath and pass out, no one will notice until I’m due at work next. It’s grim I know and if I say it out loud, people say not to be silly. But they are people who would have to have people in shifts at their deathbed because they have lots of loved ones, so they don’t have to think about it. It’s very real for me. If you have someone in your life who cares, it makes all the difference. Life is about love.

Oh I also quite like writing but fact not fiction. I did an evening class at the local uni that was on writing articles and was run by a journalist. It was fun. There is lots out there - it means being brave and trying things. Sometimes I just fake it to get started. And if all else fails I know I can be home soon.

Oh god, I’d give my right arm for someone to cook me a meal/make me a cup of coffee/give me a good shake when I’m at my lowest 😳

Not sure where you are OP but if you’re anywhere near me (SE) I’d happily bring you a meal!

These people - your friends!- will be texting you because they do care.

I know you said you're having bereavement therapy but maybe longer term talking therapy would be helpful too? (I've found it invaluable as a safe space to open up, including about my feelings about friends and guilt about being unkind in my head about them!).

I actually kind of cracked and told some friends how lonely I was a while back- how difficult it is to be living by yourself etc, and it felt quite good to explain it and actually I guess just be sincerely communicating with friends. I think they genuinely had no idea, and that's not a judgement but just an observation. They were lovely when I explained. It doesn't solve the problems of our different lives but it's made me feel a bit better! We all just need to be honest and try our best.

Yup @Somatosensational, you hit the nail on the head. Who will cook today as I am upset? Oh me again. What a treat! Then I can sit and watch a film alone. Tremendous. What am I up to next week? Oh more of the same. Repeat to infinity.