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Bereavement

For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (November 2023)

238 replies
OP posts:
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Mumteedum · 01/11/2023 17:54

@Crunchymum thank you for this thread. It's been a wonderful place that I didn't expect or want to find myself in but I'm grateful. Flowers

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BetsyBobbins · 01/11/2023 20:45

Thank you @Crunchymum

I hope you're all well as you can be today 🙂

I think my new motto is "I'm as well as I can be". I know I have a long way to go, however, I don't want to be wallowing in self pity either. I don't want to put pressure on myself and hurry to go back to "normal" and will allow myself to have bad, even horrible days. But in the meantime, I will make an effort to be as well as as I can be knowing some days will be crap and some others slightly better.

I've had a very tumultuous relationship with my parents my whole life due to several issues such as abuse and neglect. Although we spoke on the phone, I hadn't seen them in 14 years - also for different reasons, sometimes financial (they live far away), sometimes I just didn't want to face them knowing it would dredge up trauma. I just didn't imagine the tsunami of guilt that that was going to lay at my door.

I'm looking for the right people to speak to though. Today I spoke to OH remotely and they referred me to a few counselling sessions with an outside provider.

What I'm trying to avoid is to feel sorry for myself knowing that a lot of people have it worse than me having lost siblings, or children even, which is the worst loss bar none, after all, losing your parents is the "natural" course of life. I just didn't think I'd lose both a week apart from each other. But on I go, some good days and others not so much. Xx

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Crunchymum · 02/11/2023 13:24

It's my mum's birthday, she would have been 69 (we lost her in 2020, just a few months before her 66th birthday)

There should have been so many more years. Its a really bitter pill to swallow on days like this.

I've bought myself a bunch of beautiful yellow roses, I always like to have something nice in the house on dates like this - something happy and not sad. Bright yellow flowers are always happiness to me.

OP posts:
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Mumteedum · 02/11/2023 14:48

Aw @Crunchymum that was no age at all.

My Dad loved yellow flowers 🌼🌼🌼

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BetsyBobbins · 02/11/2023 22:17

She was really young @Crunchymum. I'm so sorry x

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BetsyBobbins · 08/11/2023 13:49

Hello All, hope you're all well today.

Has anyone used that Grief Works app? It came across on my IG feed but there's a subscription and I'm not sure if it's worth paying. I've also been looking into counselling, specifically therapists that specialise in loss, grief an trauma

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PepsiCoco · 22/11/2023 00:18

@BetsyBobbins i don’t know anything about the app, though I’d be willing to try anything right now.

I’ve just had a look at Cruse and may try calling them when they are open.
I’ve just got a bit of PTSD type issues over the last two days and the guilt I feel at not being there.

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Catsolitude · 26/11/2023 10:45

Hello, may I join? My wonderful mum died yesterday. I’m not quite sure what I’m feeling yet. Sort of numb, sort of relieved (she got to have a dignified death and I did everything I could to support her) but I don’t think it’s really hit me. I spoke to her and texted her every day and saw her at least once a week. It’s a massive hole. I’m so tired.

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Sohereitissuddenly · 26/11/2023 16:14

@Catsolitude how are you doing today? I am sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. I hope you can feel some solace in the way she went.

I didn't cry much when it happened...I've probably cried more since. Just ride the waves.

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Blondiemum3 · 26/11/2023 23:10

Hi, I lost my mum almost 6 weeks ago. She was only 64 and died of a sudden heart attack. I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief. The grief is overwhelming at times. I'm having to try and deal with it to look after my kids and my dad who is totally heartbroken still. It's the worse thing I've ever had to face.

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Sohereitissuddenly · 28/11/2023 20:11

Sending love and strength @Blondiemum3 . Flowers

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Mepop · 29/11/2023 23:31

May I join as well? I lost my second parent suddenly and unexpectedly recently. Not even had the funeral yet. I think I am still in shock. Mostly I am busy organising the funeral etc but then I start to think about it and as well as utter sadness I get a feeling of fear and have to force myself to stop.

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UpUpUpU · 01/12/2023 08:29

Morning all. Please can I join?

My beautiful mum died last night. She had recently turned 65 but was given a terminal cancer diagnosis on her 50th birthday and given weeks to live. She had miraculously survived the last 15 years and seen 4 grand children born and both myself and my sister settle into happy relationships/marriages. She saw me retraining for the job I have always wanted.

She was very poorly the last few years though and her quality of life had declined dramatically. We had a big party in October for her birthday and I got lots of pictures of her with my son and with me as I didn't really have any. We had a big family breakfast last weekend for my step dads birthday and that was the last time I saw her.
She had a heart attack at home last night, which is no surprise with the poor health she was in, so whilst it feels a massive relief she is no longer suffering, it was still a shock as she was oK yesterday and jokingly telling me off via text for putting my tree up too early :)

My mum remarried 20 years ago and my step dad and dad have become best friends over the years. my dad is a funeral director so he went over early hours this morning and collected mum and took her back to the funeral home, so I know she is looked after well. My step dad has gone over to my sisters so he is looked after too (although he is like me and probably just wants to be on his own).

I have a 5 year old son who I haven't told yet. I only found out when I woke up this morning to the missed calls from my sister so it was hard to hide my tears before school. It is my 40th birthday in a week and my parter is taking me away Monday - Wednesday and my son is staying at his dads. I feel it's best to wait to tell him until I am back or should I tell him sooner rather than later unless he hears from elsewhere?

Just in a state of swinging between relief, tears and feeling ok. I don't know how I am supposed to feel? I have made it to almost 40 without ever losing somebody I love so it's all new. She had many moments where it was touch and go and we prepared ourselves, then she bounced back. Selfishly, I am glad it's happened this way and not sat by her bedside waiting for her to pass. She would have hated that too.

Going to have a hot shower and sort myself out as I am sure somebody will arrive to check on me today, and I currently look a greasy, puffy mess.

Hugs to everyone who needs them x

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FluffyFluffyClouds · 02/12/2023 12:42

Personally I'd tell him now @UpUpUpU - kids are quite pragmatic when they are young.

I am back here after four years...had a friend's funeral yesterday. She was super healthy and sporty and literally as fit as I was even though she was well into her 70s. Four years ago to the week I was burying my mother (who was only three years older than my friend but very much not fit, bless her!) and ... it's all a bit close to home. I have never managed to properly grieve for either of my parents and it's a bit like a house with damp always in the walls.

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UpUpUpU · 02/12/2023 19:35

Thank you @FluffyFluffyClouds. I told him yesterday and he was absolutely fine about it. Just asked if grandad would still in the same house if Nannie wasn’t there. Been right as rain ever since.

sorry to hear about your friend and the feelings it’s raised for you x

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Nishky32 · 03/12/2023 14:31

Hello, I have read all the posts and I am so sorry for your losses.

My Dad died on 11th November, my mother in law died in August.

I am really struggling with Christmas, finding the thought of it quite distressing- Friday was really hard, I think because this is a month where he hasn’t been alive. I posted after his death and received lovely support and advice and someone mentioned the first New Year and how hard it can be, so I was preparing for that, but the change of month caught me off guard.

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UpUpUpU · 03/12/2023 15:28

It is hard isn't it. I am very fresh to bereavement but my mum was ill for a long time and I have mentally prepared myself for this on numerous occasions.

Her funeral is right before Christmas, which seems really shit, but rather that than have to wait longer.

I think one day at a time, one event at a time is the way to go. The 'firsts' of everything are always going to be the worst x

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Nishky32 · 03/12/2023 15:40

Sorry for your loss @UpUpUpU, yes I think the firsts are going to be so hard

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headcheffer · 03/12/2023 17:11

I lost my Mum a couple of months ago. I have very young children and it was far too early to lose her. I hadn't really thought about Christmas being hard but we've put our decorations up this weekend and it's floored me a couple of times to find things she bought us or her handwriting on loose gift tags and cards. Just wanted to offer some sympathy with those in the same position of this being a first Christmas without a parent ❤️

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FluffyFluffyClouds · 03/12/2023 21:08

headcheffer · 03/12/2023 17:11

I lost my Mum a couple of months ago. I have very young children and it was far too early to lose her. I hadn't really thought about Christmas being hard but we've put our decorations up this weekend and it's floored me a couple of times to find things she bought us or her handwriting on loose gift tags and cards. Just wanted to offer some sympathy with those in the same position of this being a first Christmas without a parent ❤️

I kept a gift tag I found that my Mum wrote and tucked it into a photo of her that I have up.

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Blondiemum3 · 03/12/2023 22:06

Personally, Christmas is a write off for me. I'm putting a mask on for the sake of the kids and just going to scrape through it. My mum was Mrs Christmas, she loved this time of year so its so hard. Send love to you all x

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Mepop · 04/12/2023 10:10

Christmas is hard isn’t it. The funeral will only be a few days before Christmas for us and I’ve told my kids that we won’t put any decorations up until after then. I just can’t face it. It was my birthday really recently. So hard. I was practically in tears opening the presents my kids gave me. My world seems smaller now with no living parents. And there is so much related admin. I find it all utterly overwhelming.

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Ficidy · 05/12/2023 20:46

Hi all, is it okay if I join this thread? My dad died suddenly on the 23rd November and I just can't get my head around it. I miss him so much and just want him back. I can't seem to be able to cope with the fact that I will never see him or speak with him again. He was the absolute best and I was so lucky to have him has a dad, but I wish I'd had him for longer.

He was only 76 when he died and in good health, until the morning of the 20th when he got really bad stomach pains which radiated to his back. My mum called an ambulance and they brought him to hospital. According to my dad, they did a few blood tests and scans, but discharged him the following morning, saying that he had a bug!! He spent the Tuesday and Wednesday getting sick and sleeping a lot and my mum found him dead on the Thursday morning.

It's just all so difficult. I'm trying to find ways to cope (by being busy with my kids and by trying to get ready for Christmas), but all I want to do is just hide away.

I was due to go back to work tomorrow, but I can't face it yet, so I'm holding off.

I am in Ireland and we have our funerals earlier than in the UK I think, so we had my dad's service and cremation last week.

If anyone has any advice on how to get through this, I'd really appreciate it.

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SchoolQuestionnaire · 05/12/2023 21:56

Can I join please? It’s been a year since I lost my mum but this Christmas feels so much more difficult. I think I must still have been numb last year but this year I can’t be bothered to put up the trees or decorate or do anything beyond bare minimum. I know my mum would be telling me off as she loved Christmas so much. I wish she was here.

I’ve read all your posts and I’m so sorry for your losses. It’s so sad that so many of us are experiencing the same thing but strangely comforting to know that it’s not just you. Thank you for sharing.

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Ficidy · 05/12/2023 23:09

I'm so sorry that you're finding this year hard @SchoolQuestionnaire. It's all just a bloody nightmare and like torture.

The pain of missing my dad is an actual physical pain. I am aching from it.

I agree that it's strangely comforting that we're all going through the same thing and we can understand eachother.

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