Lost and alone, no idea how to help myself any more

[Completelydefeated]

I’m posting here as I have no one to turn to. I have suffered loss after loss over the last couple of years. The death of my beloved mother following an extended period caring for her after a devastating diagnosis, even our lovely cat shortly after, I have moved, changed jobs, been diagnosed with early menopause (no children but always had hope I would be a mother). I feel like every element of my life has been picked off, bit by bit, out of my control.
My relationship (don’t live together) is coming to an end. I don’t have any family left and ‘friends’ are all busy with their own lives. I deal with everything life throws at me on my own.

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn to. I am severely depressed but high functioning. I have sought help from the GP and am having counselling but nothing works anymore. I exercise and eat well for all the difference it makes. I feel like half a person and can’t share my feelings with anyone in real life. I can manage to engage with colleagues to do my job but can’t relate to anyone due to everything I have been through.

I feel like it is one thing after another and I don’t have any support which would help me massively. I am only in my early 40s but I feel like my life is over and am in a state of high alert, wondering what will go wrong next.

I am lonely and like one of those Help the Aged ads you see. Going weeks without seeing anyone, unless I go to work or to the shops. I can’t bring myself to talk to people or do anything outside of work and yet I am so lonely it is physically painful. I don’t have any next of kin, no one to comfort me when I am upset, talk to about my day. Alone all the time other than when I go to work. I know no one has any answers but I have lost all hope. I don’t feel like I am important or contribute to society.

Not sure what I hope to gain from this. Perhaps it’s just the act of writing it all out. I can’t face another possible 40 years of this. The main thing is not having any support. I know life is what you make of it. I have tried to be positive and not think about what has happened but (and I know this may not sound nice), some people seem to have things slot in to place in life. I listen to people talk about their partners, children, wider family etc. I just have to sit there and plaster on a smile. I feel like I have been dealt a bad card and don’t know what to do to dig myself out of it. No one exists who loves me or even cares about me. It makes my heart break even more. I’m not some awful person. I can’t understand why this is happening to me and am frightened about what the future holds (or doesn’t). Thanks for reading.

Hi Op. I do agree that you write really well and you articulate yourself brilliantly - albeit about a sad topic. I'm really sorry that feel so alone and that you lost your lovely mum. Is there a charity shop / organisation locally to you that support the illness that your mum had? Volunteering or helping put somewhere like that might be a way to connect with people / get out of the house and also support the people going through the illness that your mum had. I hope things start to improve for you. I know it probably feels like things will never change and that you have endless days of darkness.

I have had depression before and I relate to just not being able to face doing anything. But on the days when you feel a glimmer of hope / positivity- use those chinks to take very small steps forward. I was told to say yes to everything. I didn't have many invitations to say yes to - but that can also mean saying yes to yourself (Ie shall I do x y z .. yes! ) .

Very small baby steps can start to make things seem not so bleak if you feel like you can sometimes manage them. Even if it's just self care (a nice Bath, a regular skincare routine , cooking yourself a really nice dinner, going to bed earlier, downloading an interesting or funny audiobook... these little things can start to make you feel a bit better - which might then lead on to you feeling more able to gradually to more things that might make you feel better.

Back to the audiobook thing. I do have kids and I know I am lucky but they are at their dad's half the time- and they are teens now so are in their rooms or with friends . Friends are all busy with their families and I don't have a partner.. I don't feel like I am on anyone's radar or anyone's priority either so I spend a lot of time on my own. I swear by audiobooks and listen to loads - they are my saviour! It doesn't get you out of the house but it's a great distraction inside the house

I am sorry that you have been through so much, it can be very hard to see a way out of what feels like a perpetual black hole.
I attend a few art and craft groups, we mainly talk about whatever we are doing rather than about family etc.
Would volunteering be possible as you feel
more able to go out and about, possibly reading with children in school?

They tend to say ‘it must be hard’ and then not much else @AnneOnEeMoose I can’t blame them. I don’t know how to help myself. I would like to go to gigs and the theatre. They have partners and children. No chance of doing anything with them. They can’t relate. So I have become a hermit. Scuttle out to work and exercise and scuttle back in.

I have had counselling before longer term. My predisposition to depression predates my mother’s death but has been massively compounded by grief. It doesn’t seem to have any affect. Perhaps it’s me.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry - what a terrible time it's been for you. I'm writing from the position of having gone through a similar, relentless period in the past few years in which enormous traumatic stuff (medical / relationship / fertility) just kept. on. happening. I also lived alone and remember those days of wondering if I still even existed; also also the despair of thinking, if another big wave was about to hit at any second, shouldn't I just lie down in the water?

I am now on the other side of that and generally enthusiastic about life, people, possibilities again, so what I'd recommend is based around what helped me then. I was in my early 40s when it all happened, I am in my mid 40s now, it is possible to come through it.

• That voice that says 'this is all shit and will be forever and by the way you have nothing to offer to people' is your depression and your trauma talking. Get back to a GP for whatever support they can offer you; if you can get some psychodynamic / trauma-informed therapy, please do that too. Other people mention talking groups; also honestly a call to the Samaritans for a big cry can be so cathartic. You mention 'being positive' but it's also necessary to have a big rage against the things that life has dealt you! Otherwise you'll just be grinning like a skull on the outside and feeling like death on the inside.

• Be kind to yourself. That means looking after yourself with food, rest, a haircut, and exercise, but also not beating yourself for feeling this way, or feeling shame for feeling so bad. It will pass, but being annoyed with yourself that you still feel terrible helps no-one, especially not you.

• Find a way to be in your body if possible. What I mean by this is walking, or swimming, or yoga, or exercise classes you enjoy. It doesn't have to feel good when you're doing it - I remember bursting into tears during a downward dog pose and then weeping silently for the rest of the class, and the teachers were lovely about it ('happens all the time!'). Someone else mentioned massage; maybe sauna? But something which allows your consciousness to be in your body rather than your brain.

• I think you need to be around people, but that doesn't necessarily mean finding new friends or dates if that's too much right now. Evening classes for something like cooking where you don't necessarily need to talk to people but just get on with slicing an onion? The dafter the 'hobby' the better. If you can bear it, text a bunch of your maybe-friends to have a coffee? Nothing heavy but enough stacked up in the diary to have things to do. This was in the Guardian today, and is also good on moving away from being isolated: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/19/post-divorce-im-isolating-myself-at-home-alone-how-do-i-get-out-of-this-funk

All of this is about gentle momentum to lift you out of the bad place you're in now and slowly build a new stage of life for yourself. I was in despair 4 years ago; I am so happy right now, but it has taken work and intention to get here. I really promise that it will change, it will take time, you will look back at this period from a different place. Love and strength to you.

Definitely not just you, OP. But I do think some therapists can make more impact than others. I have had some that are ok, just like sticking plasters, but have also had one that really helped me move on from various problems.

PP recommendation of self care and appreciating every moment of relative light sounds sensible.

As do joining Meet Up groups for gigs / theatre.

I would also say maybe do check that your friends who maybe liked those things before children would be up for them occasionally? If they have supportive partners and not tiny babies, they may surprise you and be up for the occasional thing if you suggest something specific?

I hope I'm not coming across as annoyingly optimistic, I definitely have shared some of your pain (the childless and depressed part) and felt utterly alone and miserable. I suppose I'm feeling a bit cheerier as I have managed to reconnect with some friends and grow closer to a few childless acquaintances in recent months.

I think of course whilst you're in the midst of grief, it'll be hard to find a happy path- but try to have faith that you will eventually make a life worth living for yourself. I hope it's not upsetting to say I'm sure that's what your mum would want for you and by doing that, you'd be honouring her.

I am genuinely appreciative of what everyone is saying. @AnneOnEeMoose the part about honouring my mum is right.
She only ever wanted me to be happy. I keep apologising to her that I am such a mess and can’t sort myself out.
@potplantsinparadise lovely advice, thank you. The part about the waves
resonates with me. It’s a battle instinct that I can’t quell where I am on high alert. Always looking for the next major thing
that will happen, so it won’t catch me unawares because I haven’t had time to catch my breath in between them
and make my brain and body understand, it doesn’t need to send adrenaline pumping round all the time. I said to the GP with every major life event, I feel like a bus has run me over. I’m just getting up and another comes along, then another, then another. In the end you just lie down and wait to be put out of your misery. I like the waves one though. That is more eloquent.

Some people have suggested volunteering and I have considered this but I am so weepy, I cannot guarantee I can suppress the tears at the moment. I would like to
do something to help charities who fundraise for research associated with what my mum was ill with and feel I could be of use to others who are going through it. But, I am so traumatised and haunted by it I can’t bear to see people with the same symptoms, knowing what is waiting for them. I find it upsetting. I can’t do it. Not just yet.

I’m so sorry OP, it sounds incredibly difficult. I know it doesn’t make it easier, but I hope you can find some small comfort in the fact you supported and loved your mum in her final days. I can’t imagine the impact her illness and death must have had and I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with you in struggling with the grief so much. I hear your loneliness 💔

I totally understand the feeling of lack of motivation to change things too - sometimes it just feels like a drop in the ocean and all too overwhelming to even bother. Depression definitely doesn’t help when it distorts our view of ourselves into a persistently negative one :(

I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive or as if I’m minimising your pain, but I just wanted to offer another perspective on the feeling of everyone else being lucky/ having an easier time. I know I’m extremely lucky to have kids, but I suffer from OCD and anxiety and although medicated it makes little difference in my worst patches. Sometimes I am totally debilitated by intrusive thoughts and feel like the worst mother in the world. At those times I feel like you (though for totally different reasons obviously), that everyone else has it so much easier and a sense of injustice and isolation.

But- hardly anyone knows about my OCD and to them I probably seem like I sail through life. So I just wanted to point out that people that seem lucky/ to have it all may well have their own demons and their lives are probably not as perfect as you think. As I say I hope this doesn’t sound patronising or dismissive, but I myself find it easy to lose sight of the fact other people have their own issues.

wishing you all the best.

Wish I could give you a huge hug OP. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and the coping with the grief without support must be very hard.

Even if it doesn’t feel like it in your day to day life, there must be other people in a similar situation to you. Here are a few links to support organisations for people experiencing loneliness. If any of them put people like you in touch with others experiencing the same then ideally you could build friendships with people who really genuinely understand what it’s like and hopefully in time for a kind of ‘chosen family’.

Oops forgot the link

https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/feeling-lonely/helpful-links/

Sometimes being around people can make it worse. I joined a volunteering thing in the outdoors, it’s just doing easy planting, moving piles of stuff from here to there, it’s sometimes the only thing I look forward to! No experience needed, they tell me what to do.

Oof. There is a huge amount in your post that I resonate with and I have times of grief and sadness when I really just think I am waiting for death but, quite a crucial but, it is getting better as time goes on and I believe that will be true for you too.

There are so many suggestions here of things to do, not the easiest I know when you feel so stuck but there are some really good ones. Another that I might suggest is maybe, if your living situation permits, getting a lodger. I know a couple of people who have done that and it might ease the notion of going home to emptiness. A dog is much better mind! But a tad less self sufficient.

There’s a phrase about when you’re going through hell, keep going. You will form connections again and although they won’t replace the love you have lost in your mother, they will find their place for you and when the time is right, you will be ready for them. In the meantime though, draw on what you can and one day, unexpectedly, you will find yourself looking up instead of down.

Please be kind & gentle to yourself, and remember it’s one thing at a time. Don’t be hard on yourself. Life plods along & we can make small incremental changes to make things better. Much love to you

Just wanted to say I read your post and it really resonated with me, somewhat different circumstances but have found myself single and childless in my mid 40s after 10 years of difficult 'stuff' and just feeling very battered by life and not sure how to feel more hopeful or go about making my life feel like something nice and positive. It's a hard place to be, it sounds like you have been through so much it's really not surprising you are struggling. I don't have any magic answers but it sounds like you are mostly missing connection and I guess starting to try and find that in a small and manageable way even if its walking a dog and saying hi to some familar faces, doing something to feel a bit part of your community, it's hard because being lonely feels quite taboo, but its so awful to not feel part of things, needed, loved and it's ok to want and need those things.

Op I just want you to know it's not 'you'.
I feel very similar in the experiences I've had in my lifetime. Constant emotional battle and many traumatic things.
It's so so hard to keep positive or keep going. I very much feel like, oh yes it's me there if anything goes wrong or something needs doing.

I watched my mum die last yr too. My depression predates this.
January is absolutely killing my soul this year.

I'm scared I won't get back on track it's so bleak with this grief.
I just wanted you to know your thread has been acknowledged and sympathised with.

That you feel and are alone but you're not invisible. You've written something that speaks to others and I'd definitely value you xxx

I'm not sure if some else mentioned this but try Bumble bff. I was so lost after losing my dear mother and the grief was isolating. I didn't realise how much till I found I pushed many friends away. It was good to make some new friends and in a way it was good to be with people that didn't pity my situation

Sending you love and hugs. Is it worth joining your local church? There are loads of groups in our church - book club, choir, wine tasting etc. I think there's some holiday trips organised too.
There's coffee and chats after the services too - and actually I always find singing the hymns quite uplifting tho I don't go all the time.
Volunteers are always wanted for things like making the coffee after the church services, welcoming, helping with children's liturgy etc etc so you'd have people to talk to. You may find something that works for you or at least get some conversation.
I haven't RTFT so not sure if it's already been suggested but good luck and hope you feel better soon.

2 suggestions.

Our local hospice has a 'grief group' which meets on a regular basis. My neighbour goes and swears by it- it doesn't matter if you burst into tears as everyone understands.

What about a Church group? Not for God but for community? Our village has a thriving Church group and they always stress that it for for everyone.

I think more people are in a similar position than you think. I also think things will change as a lot of women are not having children. Collective living maybe. Anyway you are not alone.💐💐💐

Oh op, you sound so lovely! Sorry you’re feeling like this. I have only 3 that love me (my DD, my dog & my cat!) but they won’t be much help in a next of kin needed situation!

What about friends? Have you lost touch & could reconnect maybe? I make huge efforts with my friends as they’re all I have!

Don’t underestimate peri/menopause & grief. Even 1 of these are brutal on your mh & mood. I feel much better on HRT but I know it’s not for everyone.

I know you say pets aren’t an option with work but would a cat not work? They don’t need too much looking after?

Lastly, volunteering? My lovely neighbour (single, 39, doesn’t seem to have family) volunteers at the local cat rescue & saysshe loves it. She also does a walking/running club & does something with the W.I- I know you might not be in the right place for these currently but in the future.

Thanks @bumblenbean for sharing that. It does make sense and it must be crippling to deal with OCD and anxiety, plus juggle being a mum and all that entails. I do lose sight of that, yes and it feels like I am the only one struggling. Thank you for making me think about that perspective.
it was an honour to be able to look after my wonderful mum and to surround her with my love and hopefully provide comfort, when she needed it must. I know not everyone gets that opportunity. If I could have swapped places with her I would have. She was so lovely. None of it should have happened to her but I know life is unfair.

Thanks @Summergarden for the links. I am having bereavement counselling via Cruse. It does help at the time but ultimately it won’t bring my mum back and I don’t know how I live with that.
@TimesaChangeling sending you strength. It is very hard when you feel low, to do the things that will pull yourself up higher. I believe Winston Churchill said that. I do think of that saying often but it’s as if life is just one big hell and you keep going only to reach another joyless section of it.
@Blanketenvy so sorry you are going through tough times too. It is taboo and especially because loneliness campaigns tend to focus on older people. I’m embarrassed that the only conversations I have are transactional and know how older people feel when they want to chat to the postie just for some human interaction.
Thanks @Knackeredhamster sending you strength. Thank you for your kind words. So sorry you have watched your mum die too. It is horrific. There are no magic answers as to how to cope. I don’t know if you feel the same but I cannot comprehend what has happened. Plus well, she’s my mum. I can’t be without her. She’s always been there and now, that’s it??
@Mrsbluesk1 yes I have tried this. I’m the opposite I would like to talk about it with someone who I am friends with. I can’t do that making new friends. I find it draining after a day at work where I have to act like I am ok and be professional and yet feel dead inside. I can’t do any more pretending with meeting new people outside of that. It’s exhausting and I’m naturally an introvert so double the effort has to go in. Sorry you have lost your mum too. It’s terrible.
Thanjs @Judellie and @FofB I have tried the grief group at the hospice. No one my age whose parent had died. All of them people in their 70s and 80s pretty much with a few a bit younger who had lost partners and in some cases children. It made it worse for me. In terms of church, I am an atheist and even though not everyone at groups there will be religious by their nature they will attract those who are. I am respectful of other’s religions and beliefs but in my world no God can exist alongside such dreadful suffering as I have seen, not just with my mum but others too. Not saying this to upset or be inflammatory but that’s just my opinion.
Aww @StarDolphins thanks. Friends are difficult to relate to. They have their parents, partners, children. Not been through the experience of being a carer and watching the person you love most die. I am glad they don’t understand my pain as the only way you can is if you have been through it.
In terms of pets, I had a cat (he had to be put to sleep in yet another cruel twist) and have had cats growing up. They have all been pampered and needed a lot of time dedicated to them to continue them living in the style they became accustomed! I work full time and it was a juggle with my last furry friend to balance that plus no one to look in on him if I was going to be late back /needed to stay away overnight.
Volunteering possibly one day. I have looked in to it and a lot of groups tend to want volunteers during the week which I can’t commit to. In all honesty it’s not something I want to do atm either. I am scared of meeting new people lest they ask a question that sets me off. It’s safer to stay inside which is part of the whole issue and round in circles I go.

@Completelydefeated you sound like such a lovely person and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. You've been through so much and you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be 'ok' far too soon. Grief cannot be rushed so please go easy on yourself and give yourself a break. Your Mum loved you in life and that love still exists and her love will continue, you will notice this more as the grief subsides which it will. Your Mum would have been proud to have you as her daughter as you sound like a caring and sensitive person.

Try to deal with one thing at a time. Once the grief starts to lift and the days / weather start getting brighter maybe try joining a local walking / hiking group as you mentioned you enjoyed hiking previously. There's a group in most towns or you can go to the next town if you want to start off with completely new faces. This is what my very lovely and lonely neighbour did when she hit 60 and now at 65 has a full and active social life. She even met a partner with similar circumstances to herself on a hiking weekend! You're only young in your 40's / prime so don't throw these youthful years away by wallowing too much even though it's perfectly understandable, sorry I know that sounds a bit harsh. Your Mum would want you to be happy and would want you to start taking steps to improve your life. It's amazing how people can turn their lives around. It might be difficult at first and you might feel like giving up but keep going and suddenly things will click into place and you'll have a new routine and you'll be glad you stuck at it.

You sound like a resilient person which is a good start as so many people aren't these days. Be thankful for what's good in your life like having good physical health, you sound well educated, having a job etc as a lot of people don't have those things.

You WILL get through this time in your life even though you think you won't but you WILL! All will be well xx ((hugs))...

Op I've suffered loss too and whilst I'm much more stabilised i can still be triggered completely suddenly by something random.

However I do think eventually you too will emotionally stabilise

Hi OP
Does your local hospital have a team of volunteers? Someone I know was having a hell of a bad time, stuck in a very dark place. He saw an advert somewhere for NHS volunteers, remembered that he always liked spending time with his grandparents when he was younger so he looked into volunteering in the elderly wards in his local hospital.

It got him out and among people. At the beginning he just made cups of tea, helped about the place & listened to the patients chat, many of whom were also alone. He said that the act of caring for people (even just in a small way) distracted him from focusing on his own demons. He just did a couple of hours at the weekend at first but the staff appreciated him, the patients appreciated him and it really did help him to take steps towards a different path.

It took a while but he's doing much better now. He has a new job with people he likes & has stuff in common with. Still volunteers but drives some sort of NHS van on the weekends now.

You have been through so much and you sound like you have so much to offer. I wish you positivity & light.

That’s so very kind @CityCommuter, thank you and for the positivity which I take on board.
I am quite hard on myself. If a friend was telling me this I would be kind but I am tough when it’s me. I am lucky to have had such a great mum. I know many people don’t or they lose them earlier in their lives but it is so painful. The love is still there. I love her (present tense) and always will. It’s just unbelievable that she is gone. She was a very strong, independent woman and taught me to be the same. I think that has carried me through thus far and I find immerse comfort in that I am my mother’s daughter.
Thank you for the reminder about what I do have. You are right and in the darkness, it is impossible to remember those things.
It is not harsh of you- I am youngish so should be doing something with life rather than turning in to a hermit. Otherwise I will get to be older and realise it was time lost.