Lost and alone, no idea how to help myself any more

[Completelydefeated]

I’m posting here as I have no one to turn to. I have suffered loss after loss over the last couple of years. The death of my beloved mother following an extended period caring for her after a devastating diagnosis, even our lovely cat shortly after, I have moved, changed jobs, been diagnosed with early menopause (no children but always had hope I would be a mother). I feel like every element of my life has been picked off, bit by bit, out of my control.
My relationship (don’t live together) is coming to an end. I don’t have any family left and ‘friends’ are all busy with their own lives. I deal with everything life throws at me on my own.

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn to. I am severely depressed but high functioning. I have sought help from the GP and am having counselling but nothing works anymore. I exercise and eat well for all the difference it makes. I feel like half a person and can’t share my feelings with anyone in real life. I can manage to engage with colleagues to do my job but can’t relate to anyone due to everything I have been through.

I feel like it is one thing after another and I don’t have any support which would help me massively. I am only in my early 40s but I feel like my life is over and am in a state of high alert, wondering what will go wrong next.

I am lonely and like one of those Help the Aged ads you see. Going weeks without seeing anyone, unless I go to work or to the shops. I can’t bring myself to talk to people or do anything outside of work and yet I am so lonely it is physically painful. I don’t have any next of kin, no one to comfort me when I am upset, talk to about my day. Alone all the time other than when I go to work. I know no one has any answers but I have lost all hope. I don’t feel like I am important or contribute to society.

Not sure what I hope to gain from this. Perhaps it’s just the act of writing it all out. I can’t face another possible 40 years of this. The main thing is not having any support. I know life is what you make of it. I have tried to be positive and not think about what has happened but (and I know this may not sound nice), some people seem to have things slot in to place in life. I listen to people talk about their partners, children, wider family etc. I just have to sit there and plaster on a smile. I feel like I have been dealt a bad card and don’t know what to do to dig myself out of it. No one exists who loves me or even cares about me. It makes my heart break even more. I’m not some awful person. I can’t understand why this is happening to me and am frightened about what the future holds (or doesn’t). Thanks for reading.

OP I'm so very sorry that you are going through all this and I send you a big unmumsnetty hug. I can only echo the good advice given here about volunteering and was wondering if perhaps community gardening might help.

The other thing I noticed was your early menopause. I know you are going down the natural route but HRT is usually offered for bone protection until you are 50 (in case you haven't been offered it and you want to check it out)

I do know loneliness and that existential angst due to, in my case, a very dysfunctional family (and possibly the menopause!). Everyone's pain is so unique. I hope you can feel all of us willing you on to better times 💐

@Completelydefeated

Could you go on a well being retreat of some sort 🤔 then somewhere you find acctractive and possibly interesting in the UK or abroad?

if you are worried it's might be too expensive,

You can help to do some volunteering too at a retreat and you can then either go for free or have the cost of the retreat reduced significantly too,

Also do something which you pamper treat yourself such as joining an health spa or and having an complementary therapies every so often,

or
You can do what i did for Christmas time i stayed in a guest house and a budget hotel on my own,
loved it just doing what i wanted to do and enjoyed hibernating watching old black white and black films , watching ancient history tv programmes ect,

@penjil fingers crossed you’ve found my mum and are planning on reuniting us.

Hi OP, I recognise so much of what you have described and you have had some good suggestions here that I hope can help you. I just wanted to throw in parkrun as well. Have you tried it? When I’m at my lowest it can really help get the weekend off to a positive start. Fresh air, exercise and a community spirit, being around others and usually a friendly coffee meet-up afterwards. I totally understand and can relate to the feelings you describe but at some point (I don’t know when it is fair to say would be right for you) you will have to take some action to connect with people. Parkrun could be a good one of those steps imho

@cerisepanther73 I have done things like this on my own before. I am fed up of it. I spend all my time alone, plus I can barely put one foot in front of the other at the moment. I could be wrong but it sounds like this is an approach to take if you are continually busy and surrounded by people. It may be bliss to be alone if you never get a second to yourself. My whole life is a retreat currently albeit of my own doing. I do appreciate you taking the time to post though.

Also with Parkrun you don’t have to actually talk to anyone of you don’t feel up to it. You can just run and be around people and out in nature together. People will even cheer you on 🙂

Whereabouts are you if you don't mind the question.

I'm in Devon

I'm depressed and grieving which isn't conducive to getting to know people.

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but you're grieving currently and, while you don't want to be alone, I also don't think you should put any social pressure on yourself for at least a few months.

Regarding being alone though, I think you'll find there are a lot more people in your situation than you think.

Last summer me and my DH went to a gig on a Saturday in a busy area of London. We ate in a busy restaurant first at about 7pm. It was mostly full of couples, families and groups of friends, but we also noticed two women each sitting separately and dining alone, both reading books and looking very content.

Then at the gig itself we got chatting to a lovely 30-something guy, very attractive and trendy, who'd come on his own as he couldn't find any friends who also wanted to see this band. At the end of the gig as we were saying goodbye, he introduced us to another guy (who looked like a model) who he'd got talking to, who'd also come on his own for the same reasons.

We spent a good deal of the drive home talking about these four young, attractive, sophisticated adults who'd come out to a busy cultural centre of London on their own, on a Saturday night, and who all seemed perfectly happy doing so.

I think social life is rapidly evolving now into something rather different and, when you're ready for it, you may well be absolutely fine.

What I'm saying is, I imagine you'll go on to make new friends when you're ready, but equally, people seem quite content now to also be doing it on their own.

Sorry this has ended up being so long!

Thanks @SheerLucks I have been those women, determined to go places even though I’m alone. Sitting eating in restaurants, reading a book. I’ve been to gigs alone. It’s all about context. They may have been having a night away as a treat as they have a hectic life and are taking some time out. I am on my own day and night and have spent years doing things alone, otherwise I would have missed out. I didn’t want not to travel or experience new things because I was waiting on someone to do it with. But I would like a partner and I am fed up of doing things alone. I am an introvert but we are social creatures. It’s depressing to be in a crowd and feel alone.

@Knackeredhamster in the south east. Devon is a lovely part of the world.

You said that you are having grief counselling but has anyone ever suggested trauma therapy?
From your posts it reads that it much more than grief.

You might not believe it but you sound really lovely by the way.

Your user name is cute @Thehamsterthatcametotea yes, I started trauma therapy for PTSD as I am smart enough to recognise that’s what I have. I actually went to the GP and said I thought that’s what I had. The therapist stopped after 2 sessions and said I needed grief counselling first, so I couldn’t even do that right. Thanks for your kind words. I like to think I’m a nice, kind person but I feel worthless. I know that’s the depression talking but if you don’t love yourself and have lost confidence, again you won’t attract anyone to your sphere (even platonically). I see everyone else with friends and partners and then I think well there must be something wrong with me. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to. How can there not be when I’ve not found anyone who wants to love me? Now I am damaged goods because of all I’ve been through and my inability to have children so it’s pretty much game over in terms of meeting anyone. Once you start mentioning all the things that have happened, no one will want to stay. Not even sure how you weave that in to a conversation so that if someone you are going on a date with doesn’t feel they are wasting their time if they want children. A good partner should be supportive when you have these issues but even in an established relationship, that would be challenging. Meeting someone new is impossible particularly if don’t value myself. The thing is, I’ve never wanted much. Not for me the big wedding and buying stuff all the time. I’m not materialistic. I just want to be happy. I never realised that would be so hard. It’s like trying to catch grains of sand with a sieve.

I don't think you didn't do something right op, grief counselling or PTSD counselling.
Who can differentiate between.

I mean what's causing what imo.

I never had counselling for my PTSD cos of COVID. I never had it for years of emotional abuse from my ex.

What I'm saying is, who would know where to go for help if there's criteria to a person's difficulties. What a joke.

I do know that getting up the courage to be pro active and find help and commit to it takes a lot and I've definitely faced that with counselling in the past, where you begin sessions then it goes wrong.

I distinctly remember going to see a counsellor yrs ago who after 5 sessions told me she couldn't see me anymore and didn't have to explain why.

Floored me!!

I promise it's not you.

My offspring as a child saw a psychotherapist who basically said pull yourself together, what do you expect me to do.

I mean what the fuck.

I made a complaint.

I just want to add my empathy and support to you @Completelydefeated. You rightly feel your world has ended with the loss of your lovely Mum and having had a very close relationship with mine, I completely understand how you are feeling.

Well meaning people tried to help - a Church service for All Souls Night which was the bleakest thing, grief counselling which I found horrendous. Like you, all I wanted was my lovely Mum back. I broke down at work when I was opening the post and my lovely boss gave me a couple of weeks off as I was barely functioning. So actually it must be a huge strain for you to be working while dealing with all your so valid feelings of grief and loss. I would say, absolutely don't push yourself to do anything you don't want to or feel up to doing. A cliche, but in time you will start to feel differently and from my experience Mum becomes almost absorbed into me. She told me at the end 'I'll always be with you' and she is, not least in the woman I've become. Your Mum is there in you too, OP.

This is the bleakest time of year - spring will come, time will pass and trust me, you WILL start to feel able to begin to address all those intense feelings of grief by starting to make small changes to help yourself feel less alone. There have been some brilliant suggestions from others on here about what those are. But for now, it's ok not to feel ok - you're putting one foot in front of the other - time will absolutely help do more for you. Lots of love to you xx

That's very helpful. I lost mine and it's the first January without her.

Lots of love to you.

@Knackeredhamster sorry to read of your experiences. They sound similar to mine. The therapist had not a modicum of sympathy when she discharged me. I had to battle to get on the list for that counselling. I waited over a year to see someone (I appreciate this may be relatively quick but didn’t feel like it). Two sessions and that was it. I was then a complete state as those two sessions had dragged up all manner of things I had been suppressing. I had to refer myself to get grief counselling and then wait for that, having been reduced to a nervous wreck. As you say, I am not a medical professional and didn’t know which way was up. I had no idea that wasn’t the sort of counselling I needed. I was assessed and that’s what was deemed appropriate. It makes me reluctant to get further help in case that messes things up further. Sometimes I wonder if it is better to just suppress it all.

Thank you @DaphneduM and so sad to read your mum is no longer here either. I will say that it has been nearly a year and a half since my mum died. I don’t feel I am any further forward in my grief. This was the second Christmas and January without her. If anything it feels like it is getting harder as the time I last saw her moves further and further away. I cannot accept it. I don’t see how time will alleviate it. I don’t expect to get better or move on. That will never happen, nor do I want it to as it is testament to our relationship that I feel this so deeply. But I would like the veil of sadness that drapes over me to be lifted and some light to come in from time to time. Everyone around me has forgotten the time that has passed, that it is the second Christmas etc. Whereas that is all I think about. Everything relates back to my mum. When the sun shines I am sad she cannot see it. Similarly when the seasons change. How to go on? Sending strength and sympathy to you.

Have you thought about joining/looking for a local group related to one of your interests?

I ask because I feel I am many ways in a similar position to you (albeit I am married).

I am 44, an only child, single and never married and have no kids, my mum died 22 years ago, so it is just me and my dad. I am in a job that is ok, but leaves me unfulfilled and I don't feel much of a connection with my colleagues. My friends are all married, with houses and kids etc and I have none of that. I am certainly not where I expected to be at my age!

Anyway just over a year ago I joined a local running club. It is not ultra serious, but I have definitely got quicker and fitter, but most importantly, it is full of wonderful people and I would say I have made 5 very good friends from it in a very short time. We often go out for runs together in the evenings or weekends and it has been a godsend for me.

I wonder if you could find something similar?

As an aside I notice you are in the South-East, I am too. I am in West Kent.

I’m so sorry that you have lost your lovely mum @Completelydefeated
I understand so much of what you are going through, because I have been through the same, I lost my beautiful mum after caring for her for a year before she passed. I had an early menopause at 43 and have experienced terrible loneliness, depression and grief too. Please know that you are not alone and please know that it will and does get better.

I know it’s hard to see now when you are grieving so much, but things will change. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself time.

For me after mum died, I felt like I’d lost my identity and my purpose because for so long it had been about caring for her and spending as much time as possible with her. I understand that desire to want to continue to help others but finding it too overwhelming to volunteer or be around people and places that trigger your grief. In time, trust me, this will lesson.

Is there a way you can find a new purpose for a while? Something short term to help you through the next few months whilst being kind to yourself. As others have said you write beautifully – perhaps you could start some kind of journal about your experiences. Others might find comfort in knowing that they are not alone when reading your story. Or write about something else – something that would bring you comfort?

Look around for support groups for your age group – either for loneliness, losing a parent or early menopause. Perhaps in time you might even consider setting up some kind of online group to support others if you can’t find one?

With kindness I’ve noticed that you are talking in absolutes about the future a lot – this is the grief and depression talking and you don’t need to believe all these thoughts because they simply aren’t true. I know it is hard to have hope when you feel so much pain in the here and now, but it is important to start finding hope and catch some of those negative thoughts and challenge them.

Remember the future is unknown, try not to dwell on the worst case scenarios and things you are imagining (like being game over when it comes to meeting someone – this simply isn’t true, there are plenty of men who won’t be at all phased by not being able to have children – there are many that will actually prefer this)

How about for now you just focus on the short term and don’t dwell too much on the longer term and what the future holds?

Something that might help is to start a gratitude diary – to find small things to be grateful for each day. It may just be a warm cup of tea and strangers on the internet sharing their stories with you to start with. As time goes on you will find it easier to find more things to be grateful for and it will help you to focus your thoughts on the good things you can find in each day rather than thinking too much about the future.

Perhaps in time @NeatNectarine I'm a little confused as you say you are married then that you are single, never married.

Yes @Baileysandcream I feel a lot of what you have described. I am free to go wherever I want, whenever I want now but I can’t find it in me to do anything. It is hard to find hope, you are right. I feel like a ghost and invisible to others as well as a shadow of my former self.

Sorry the first bit was meant to say "albeit I am MALE" - haha, a bit confusing.

When you say in time, what is it you are waiting for? When will be a better time to do this? You are obviously unhappy now, and trying something like this will not make things any worse, it will either be a positive or things will stay the same.

I was 22 when my mum died. My dad and I spent a week by her bed holding her hand as she died of cancer. I know every child is special to their parents but my mum had six miscarriages and a stillborn baby before I was born. She was 36, which was quite old to have your first and only child back in 1979. She was a wonderful person and didn't deserve to get cancer 16 years later and then die of it another six years on, but life isn't always fair. Bad things do happen to everyone, and I am certain behind the facade of happiness many of your friends aren't truly happy.

You have to take charge of your life and try and make some changes, everyone can give you advice, but you are the only one who can do anything.

Have you tried volunteering? It would give you a sense of self worth and confidence, you'd make friends, you'd be relied on, and you'd be helping the world go round.

@NeatNectarine ok, that makes sense. Sorry to read what you went through. I am fully aware only I can change things but at the moment I can barely manage to get up and dressed. I don’t want to feel like this but it is not as easy as bouncing out the door. If it was, I would do it. It is the support aspect I am struggling with. Sometimes as an adult you need looking after. I feel dead inside, I can’t be bothered to interact with people face to face. I have had to take charge of everything alone for a long time and I am tired and fed up. It’s credit to my resilience that I have managed to hold down a full time job. You cannot pour from an empty cup as they say.

Would you consider adoption? You're too young to be giving up, you have so much you can do to change your situation still. Lots of love.