Lost and alone, no idea how to help myself any more

[Completelydefeated]

I’m posting here as I have no one to turn to. I have suffered loss after loss over the last couple of years. The death of my beloved mother following an extended period caring for her after a devastating diagnosis, even our lovely cat shortly after, I have moved, changed jobs, been diagnosed with early menopause (no children but always had hope I would be a mother). I feel like every element of my life has been picked off, bit by bit, out of my control.
My relationship (don’t live together) is coming to an end. I don’t have any family left and ‘friends’ are all busy with their own lives. I deal with everything life throws at me on my own.

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn to. I am severely depressed but high functioning. I have sought help from the GP and am having counselling but nothing works anymore. I exercise and eat well for all the difference it makes. I feel like half a person and can’t share my feelings with anyone in real life. I can manage to engage with colleagues to do my job but can’t relate to anyone due to everything I have been through.

I feel like it is one thing after another and I don’t have any support which would help me massively. I am only in my early 40s but I feel like my life is over and am in a state of high alert, wondering what will go wrong next.

I am lonely and like one of those Help the Aged ads you see. Going weeks without seeing anyone, unless I go to work or to the shops. I can’t bring myself to talk to people or do anything outside of work and yet I am so lonely it is physically painful. I don’t have any next of kin, no one to comfort me when I am upset, talk to about my day. Alone all the time other than when I go to work. I know no one has any answers but I have lost all hope. I don’t feel like I am important or contribute to society.

Not sure what I hope to gain from this. Perhaps it’s just the act of writing it all out. I can’t face another possible 40 years of this. The main thing is not having any support. I know life is what you make of it. I have tried to be positive and not think about what has happened but (and I know this may not sound nice), some people seem to have things slot in to place in life. I listen to people talk about their partners, children, wider family etc. I just have to sit there and plaster on a smile. I feel like I have been dealt a bad card and don’t know what to do to dig myself out of it. No one exists who loves me or even cares about me. It makes my heart break even more. I’m not some awful person. I can’t understand why this is happening to me and am frightened about what the future holds (or doesn’t). Thanks for reading.

Oh OP,I’m so sorry to read your post. You have had so much to deal with. 🌺🌺
Are you on any medication for depression? Hrt?
what did you used to enjoy? I’m sure someone here may have some ideas.

Thanks for replying @thesandwich I have been on meds which have helped in the past but came off them as they bizarrely had side effects this time around. HRT not yet as am trying to manage symptoms naturally until they become too much. I enjoyed reading, art, culture, hiking, travelling but I am sick of doing everything on my own so that plus how I feel after everything means I have stopped. It’s an existence not living. I know people will say join a group but what do I have to contribute? I can’t well say no I don’t have a partner, no kids, am alone, family all gone. There’s no common ground with anyone. Although resilient, I am traumatised by what I have been through. I do believe happiness comes from within but I have spent so long trying to prop myself up without any support, I think I will soon fall over. Gosh that was long, sorry.

You poor thing. You are resilient, but need help to kick start your new life. Can you go back to the gp and try some other meds to help? Counselling sounds essential to process what you’ve been through.
This time of year is also really hard.

You write wonderfully! Your feelings came right out through your words - would you enjoy a writing group or something, just to get out of yourself?

hello anyway, you sound like someone I’d like to be friends with, you sound a bit broken but bloody nice!

you will enjoy life at some point again, I just know you will.

Hugs

How about coaching? I swear by it. It’s not therapy, it really helps you with forward movement, mindset and action.

I know it seems like you’re in the doldrums now, but it might provoke a change of perspective?

I came across a brilliant group recently called “The Lonely Girls Club”. They have events meet ups & walks in London and elsewhere in UK. It was set up precisely because so many women felt alone/need friends.

I also echo the writing idea!

Sending hugs 🌸

I think the depression can hold you back from so many things that would enhance your life. I totally understand the not wanting to do things after work.
I think you have had so much to deal with it's no wonder you feel lost.
I would go back to the GP and ask to try a different antidepressant. Lamotrigine is being used successfully as an antidepressant with very few side effects. Could you afford a private psychiatrist?
Menopause can cause depression and anxiety too so I would whack on some HRT patches they really helped my low mood.
Then in the spring perhaps you would feel like a bit of volunteering local food bank or something? Could you get a dog? Travel or do something crazy like move to the coast.
Sorry if this is out of your reach at the moment I just wanted to give some ideas.
I know it can't fix the lack of close family and someone in your life but if you build a structure of activity around yourself things can come of that, friendships and so on.
If you have a local community centre or wellbeing centre there may be other groups you could join where people want to connect.

Thank you for taking time to share ideas and things that will help. I think it’s a good point about going back to the GP and writing isn’t something I had thought about before, also the group and coaching. I will look in to those. This is one of the things I miss about having people close. Suggestions I wouldn’t think of. I am so deep in dealing with grief and it’s all a lot to process when there’s no one to talk to properly. I’m conscious of being a bit like Eeyore and dragging people down so I try to be upbeat when I interact with people but I suppose not being able to be myself is an issue too. I don’t feel normal.

Thank you for your great ideas too @ilovebagpuss . I appreciate them.

Are you having counselling for your grief? Cruse or Macmillan may be able to help.
Some great ideas from posters. There are threads on here for people who have lost parents- some lovely supportive threads. I have had brilliant support on the elderlies boards and cancer threads- I’ve made some very dear friendships through these.
But please see gp as a first step.

That's awful OP, I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how difficult that must be and this is without doubt the worst time of year. I hope the support you have is helping.

I suppose, looking for a positive, you have a completely blank sheet to rebuild on.

I hope 2024 is much better for you. x

Yes I am @thesandwich and the counsellor is very kind and helps me realise my feelings are valid. I will explore the boards which connect people who have also lost parents. I will go to the GP again though, good as he is, I fear he is at a loss with what to do with me as well.

I couldn’t go by without posting, I am so sorry for all you’ve gone through and how you are feeling.

you mentioned you had ‘friends’ but they are all caught up in their own lives. Is it worth the risk in choosing one to confide in? I ask because I probably fall into that category, but because my life is busy and chaotic I wouldn’t have thought I had much to share but if I knew someone felt like you do I would invite in to be part of the chaos.

I don’t think anyone would say you are being like Eeyore for letting people know how you are feeling, even work colleagues, it just makes you real and builds connection.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on, I really hope that things start to seem a bit brighter a bit brighter in the not to distant future.

sending e-hugs x

Glad you are having counselling. And well done for being brave and posting. 🌺🌺

www.meetup.com/find/united-kingdom/

Meet up connects people and they operate all over the uk. The meet up groups saved my friend after her divorce

Thank you @Whatdotheyknow i have tried but I don’t feel they have time for me. I’m not anyone’s priority so for example, I am struggling today but being rebuffed (I understand life is busy and of course they have to prioritise other things) and told they don’t have time for a chat until next week, adds to the upset and echoes that I am alone. Sadly I have learned I can only rely on myself. Some people have kindly invited me to do things with them but it feels like tagging on to someone else’s family (it is) and I end up crying on the way home. I would have loved a busy life full of school assemblies and packing school bags. It feels like whatever I put in its place won’t be enough. I miss my mum more keenly when I feel sad because she was someone I would always talk to.

Thanks @Thecompleteposter I have tried MeetUp and Bumble on friends mode but I have to put on a mask to go and do anything when I do. I’m depressed and grieving which isn’t conducive to getting to know people. I’m like a shell of my former self. I do appreciate that only I can get out there and change things though. No one can do it for me.

I'm so sorry to hear this. That must be so tough to deal with on top of everything else. It’s so hard when you put yourself out there and get a knock back. I don’t really have any advice. Sending more hugs. X

ooh another little thought. I have sometimes found listening to a podcast of people going through similar things can feel quite relieving when no one else understands. I wonder if anyone on here could suggest something relevant?

Is there anything you have always thought of doing that you could aim for ? A different job ? There is a massive shortage of foster parents ? Anything that would give you something to work towards. Also I would recommend the documentary STutz . It explains about coping mechanisms.

Have you thought about volunteering? You can get a lot out of helping others and make friends as you will immediately have something in common. Could you get a dog? Instant love!

I am sending you my best wishes OP. I can relate to grieving. I have done a lot of reading on this. The thing is it is something we learn to live alongside rather than get over. Sue Ryder do quite a bit of support on this. I opted for txt support. They txt u about strategies for coping. Sometimes it was useful and other times I waited to read until in a better frame of mind. In the past I have looked into solo holidays, is this something you would consider? How about joining a book club? Have u considered a pet? I'm going to get one when I change from my stressful job. Take care OP.

Have you considered fostering op? There are so many poor children or young people desperately in need of someone to help love and look after them...if you have limited time around work what about an older teen placement?
imho helping someone else is the best medicine and creates a wonderful connection too...this could be your version of family....

I adore children but unfortunately I’m not in a position to be able to foster currently, not least because of my mental health (perhaps it is just as well I am unable to have my own, who would want to put up with such a mother). Again I would be unsupported. I imagine the agencies would ask about what support I have around me. Similarly with a pet. With work it’s not something I can do which is sad as I love cats and grew up with them (in the family home not with them raising me). One day. I will check out the documentary that was mentioned.

Not everyone's life is as perfect as you probably view it to be.
I'm married now, but have no children. My first husband died in a horrendous way and I live with that.
My cat died who I'd had for 14 years and then my Dad died.
I think if you did try to get out more such as walking groups, or whatever floats your boat, you will find most people have life burdens they carry. I think from your post, it sounds as though you feel everyone else's lives are perfect - I think you'll find this is far from the truth.
Sometimes the friends in life we meet are family we choose - you only need a couple of good ones.
Have a look at the app 'Meetup'
I wish you every happiness 💓