Son eating us out of house and home

[Mumof118]

DS 19 eats everything and anything. He doesn’t leave anything for anyone else and doesn’t replace. He also infuriatingly doesn’t even let you know it’s gone or add it to the Alexa shopping list.

Example: Friday evening I buy 6 pints of milk. I just go to decant a bit to take to work and it’s all gone. Every last drop. I was even at the Supermarket at 3pm and could have bought more if he added it to the Alexa list

Another example, I go to get a cake from a pack of four for dessert. All gone.

A pack of eight wraps. All used up along with the cheese.

Am I being unreasonable getting upset with him. He thinks I am.

Does he work? Does he pay any board?
He's a grown up, regardless if you're not charging him board the least he can do is either buy his own food or let you know when he's finished something - and stop being so greedy and eating everything before anyone else gets a look in.

Male teenagers have 'empty legs' syndrome. He probably has a bit more growing to do. He sounds like many teens, a bit selfish with little empathy for others, but basically good. I would just buy a lot more food, buy cheap stuff and let him have his fill. This manic hunger won't last forever.

YANBU

I had this for a while, really annoying

No job. Doesn’t buy food. Does contribute £70 a month to the house (largely to pay for his internet and excessive electric use).

That's not acceptable behaviour. It's selfish and inconsiderate.
Is he working or studying?

My teens have absolutely enormous appetites. But is absolutely reasonable for him to tell you when you finish something!
Try buying stuff he doesn't like for a few days and tell him until he puts on the list it won't reappear by magic !

Is he overweight?

What does he do?

Is he eating out of boredom? You said he doesn't work so he needs to fill his time with productive things like housework and shopping for the family food, why should you do it if he is able?

Where does he get money from? I would start charging him for the food he eats and make him shop for replacements.

I have two sons, they eat but nothing like this.

I have 2 sons, 17 and 19.

Their idea of a snack is a packet of rice with chicken and salad, some soup and bread and a yoghurt...probably followed by a banana....for a snack.

I have to keep a close eye on what we are running out of and sometimes put a banana in a cupboard so at least I know I will get one before my run.

They do add to the shopping list when they remember but the battle is real.

They are both in full time education so I don't charge them rent....yet....

TBH this is not the hill I'm going to die on....I will continue to focus on them turning lights off, locking doors when they go out and flushing the toilet.

My 19yo eats scary amounts of food (and yes, he is the stereotypical MN rail-thin beanpole)

I have had to have stern words about taking family meal ingredients; he was apologetic and now asks if he isn't sure.

My strategy with him is to keep the fridge and freezer topped up with things he can either cook if he has time, or grab something instantly if he's starving or coming in from work knackered etc.

I batch cook every week (mostly huge vats of soup for dh and I) and I make things particularly aimed at ds2 which I rotate so it's a variety. A big chilli, pulled pork/chicken, tandoori chicken bits, chicken samosas, lamb kofta skewers, onion bhajis, meat pies, pasties, chocolate brownies, cherry muffins, chocolate cookies - I freeze them all in portions of a few meals' worth and every couple of days I check the fridge and if he's eaten it all I grab a few more tubs out of the freezer and chuck them in the fridge. He has his own freezer drawer separately which I keep filled up with hash browns and fish and stuff I know he'll cook when he can be arsed.

It is quite unbelievable how much he eats. My brother was the same.

I would say he can eat what he likes, but he should add what he wants to the shopping list in advance and definitely say if he's run you out of stuff that is for everyone, like milk.

I would shout a bit about being thoughtless!

Just curious, but where does he get the £70 a month from?

No, you are not being unreasonable. He’s acting in a selfish way.

I'm guessing he's been allowed to help himself all his life?

I know it's too late now but this is why many parents (to the horror of some pearl clutchers), make their kids ask before they take anything - to check there'll be enough left for others.

The only thing mine didn't have to ask for was fruit, although they weren't allowed it right before dinner.

But since you are where you are now, you'll have to tell him this stops now, otherwise he moves out because he's too selfish to live there.

You could have a system where some foods (cereal, rice, supernoodles, carrots, some fruit etc) are bought in bulk and he can have as much as he likes.

Other food he can only help himself to a proportion of it eg one in four of a pack where there are four in the family.

Just to an answer a few questions.

He’s over 6’ and wears a men’s medium. He goes to the gym a lot and is not overweight.

He’s currently taking a gap year. Did have a job, but it went at Christmas and he has yet to find another. He’s looking to go to uni in the autumn.

He has savings from family gifts and his previous job and has in the region of about £4000-£5000 in his bank.

He’s not bad. It just seems as though he’s still very immature and thoughtless.

I would tell him that if he's going to eat everything, he can cook dinner at least three days a week, and on every other day, he does the clean up.

Can you send him to the shop to replace the milk every time he does that? Perhaps then he’ll learn to be more considerate

Nothing wrong with eating the food but he needs to communicate with you about it - check what he is and isn’t allowed to eat and add things to the list if he finishes them up or foresees that they will soon be needed.

If he wants to eat to such excess he needs to get a job to fund it. I get being hungry but he needs to start supplying his own food at that level, he's consuming an enormous amount which isn't reasonable in a house where multiple people need to eat.

Yes, he can eat the food.

No, he can not eat everything and say nothing, hugely inconveniencing the rest of the household who unexpectedly find the cupboards bare with no time to find themselves alternative food.

Thanks everyone. I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that either he asks first or he replaces. At the bare minimum he has to add whatever he’s eaten to the Alexa so I know to get more. I have also reminded him that he should be looking for a job.

Tomorrow whilst I am at work, he needs to go to the shop and get milk, cheese and a dessert.

Omg your food sounds amazing. Who even knew cherry muffins were a thing? Will you be my mum?!

Send HIM to the supermarket with a list. Let him lug it in and put it away. Most importantly, he can pay for it. Don’t buy him special high protein foods or cater to his diet in anyway. Make your list about your preferences and plan meals to suit yourself and your family. If you don’t have what you need to make the meal, he is paying for dinner for everyone.