Son eating us out of house and home

[Mumof118]

DS 19 eats everything and anything. He doesn’t leave anything for anyone else and doesn’t replace. He also infuriatingly doesn’t even let you know it’s gone or add it to the Alexa shopping list.

Example: Friday evening I buy 6 pints of milk. I just go to decant a bit to take to work and it’s all gone. Every last drop. I was even at the Supermarket at 3pm and could have bought more if he added it to the Alexa list

Another example, I go to get a cake from a pack of four for dessert. All gone.

A pack of eight wraps. All used up along with the cheese.

Am I being unreasonable getting upset with him. He thinks I am.

I've worked with and lived with guys in their early 20s, they will absolutely spend their own money on tons of food.

Guess what, OP: as from tomorrow he is in charge of the food shop, meal planning and cooking. No excuses.

Great life skill, takes burden off you
and gives him a taste of reality.

Best thing I did was go vegetarian and now my protein-obsessed young adult sons make their own meals. I buy all the staples and they shop for anything extra they fancy. We all batch cook on the weekends and share what we've prepared so we're not cooking 21 different dinners a week.

I'm a 'feeder' and while @sprigatito 's description of a freezer full of goodies did tug my heartstrings a little, in the long run I think I'm helping my boys (and their future spouses) more this way. They're savvy shoppers and meal planners, and great cooks. Plus they really enjoy it.

Teenage boys need a lot of calories and a lot of protein. I don't think it's any different to the cravings I had when breast feeding, they can't help the hunger. Make sure there is plenty of milk, cereal, bread, peanut butter, cheese etc and say he can eat as much of that as he wants, but he can only eat his fair share of the expensive/special food.

You can freeze milk. I do it in case we unexpectedly run out. It takes time to defrost of course but he can't chug it down frozen. My early twenties son is enamoured of the air fryer and does some frozen chips or wedges for lunch sometimes. (He is very skinny.)

It's not unusual for growing kids/teens to watch a lot. What's not fair is at 19 you're still having to accomodate e eruthing this entails.
Tbh if you can afford it I wouldn't begrudge him food however I would begrudge him above and beyond his share of treats.
Is he paying board? I'd be suggesting that you will supply 3 meals a day but he needs to supply his own snacks. I'd also say if he uses the last of staples like milk, cheese, bread etc he let's you know in time or if it leaves you short eg no milk at 10pm...then it's his job to go to the garage and buy some.

My DS 18 is constantly eating its especially annoying after he's had a huge main meal to then be looking in the fridge for more food

I suppose they go through growth spurts where they eat more and get more tired

DS is eating more, sleeping more and says he really sweats at night so his sheets and pillow cases are being changed a lot more. He also says he sheds a lot of leg hair

I make sure he has access to decent food to eat.

He got really angry the other day saying there wasn't enough food. I pointed out there really was but he wanted different food. It was very very unlike him. So there's something going on which I'm putting down to growth spurts and general college, uni offer stress

I added double of some things to the weekly shop which of course he hasn't been hungry enough to eat

Am I being unreasonable getting upset with him. He thinks I am.

There may be no point in getting upset, but I call shenanigans if he's claiming -AFTER you've spoken to him about the problems you've described here and made him aware that others in the household use the specific items like the cakes and wraps, and they're not just for his consumption - not to understand that his behaviour must change. Sure, accidents and emergencies happen, but a typical 7yo can remember "empty the package, put it on the list"; there's no way a typical 19yo can't.

(And that's money completely aside, just from a convenience/availability perspective.)

Not relevant and a weird thing to focus on .

Six pints of milk in two days is… a lot.

Agree with some PP about making him do a weekly shop so he has some appreciation for how much food costs and how much he is going through. Obviously he can’t help if he’s hungry but he can develop a bit of awareness that other people might be too!

Oh to have the metabolism of a teenage boy

Keep insisting that he gets a job.
In the mean time give him the unpaid job of being Alexa.

Have DS make up a shopping list for the family for one weeks food. Get him to nut out meals plan etc. Task DS with being the shopper for the weekly big shop and for the top ups of milk etc.
Only when he is not ignorant of what it takes to keep food in the pantry will he understand the importance of planning a menu and budgeting for food and not scoffing all family food in one sitting.

Food budgeting and being polite to the person who provides his meals are life skills just as important as driving, cleaning and cooking.

I hear you.

Mine will cook a pizza an hour before dinner as a snack, then eat dinner, then raid the fridge 2 hours later.

I bought a snack basket, I put the crap in there the pot noodles, porridge pots, biscuits, crisps et, it's next to the fruit and it kind of gets attention before the fridge so it gives me time to avoid the eating of the meal ingredients!

I have 19, 18 and 12 year old active boys and we go through a lot of food!

What has worked best for me is to have locations for foods they can eat freely and food they have to ask for eg We have a stand alone freezer and a freezer in our fridge and they are allowed to eat anything in the fridge freezer but not the standalone one. I have a shelf of snacks they are allowed to eat and they can have any fruit. Other snacks they have to check first.

Also once DS has eated good daily vitamin, protein, vegetable, roughage intakes etc he should be happy to fill up on cheaper foods.
Have him shop for acceptable snacks that he can eat:
..eggs
..bread with spread
..Weetabix
..apples or cheapest fruit in season
..extra serves of potatoes, canned beans and rice with each meal.
..powdered skim milk for drinks and for cereal. It tastes like normal milk but cheaper and conveniently stored and made up in a jug by DS.
..packet cakes made and eaten by DS and purchased in bulk
..any salad ingredient, herb or vegetable that he grows in vege patch himself.

I have also reminded him that he should be looking for a job

Should is not must and looking for is not getting, and yes, he'll have picked up on these crucial differences.

Stop charging him money to live in the family home. He's your son, not a lodger. You're taking his savings, and unless you're struggling financially, why would you do that? I agree that he needs to do a food shop and be more proactive about that. He's being a bit thoughtless and selfish, but that's easily remedied.

Oh bore off. I charge my son. Only a small contribution to his 20 minutes shower and constant electrical use. You shouldn't get a free ride by virtue of being offspring. Also some families need the contribution. I bought a house big enough to house my young adult children. That costs more than I would have liked.

A free ride? Strange attitude to have about your own child.

I actually did add the point about financial necessity - so if you bought a bigger house fair enough. Or if you're low waged.
Anyway. He needs to do some food shopping.

At the end of the day our responsibility to our kids is to raise them to be considerate, empathetic and unselfish. This sort of thoughtlessness and lack of self awareness (not even listening to or reflecting on your side) needs to be worked on somehow, he will be living with other people in the future- uni dorms, houseshares with mates, then girlfriend, wife (or boyfriend/husband) and I would really hope he still doesn’t act like this by then or he’s going to make a lot of people not very happy.

this is not a comment or attack on any other aspect of his character or your parenting, this is solely based on the info and situation given here btw. I had an ex who did v similar things at age 36 and it was just kind of astounding how selfish minded he was and how little consideration and basic respect for others he had)

I do the same when DS (19) is home. We use data from this website. So he has £42 to spend on his stuff in the supermarket with me. It does tend to work.
https://www.nimblefins.co.uk/average-uk-household-cost-food

I'd be telling him no time at the gym until he's found a job tbh.

At the bare minimum he has to add whatever he’s eaten to the Alexa so I know to get more.

You lost me at this.

At a bare minimum he should buy his own food! He is an adult and he pays £70 a month?! Christ. No wonder he takes the piss by eating all the food in the house.

You need to get a grip on this OP. Whilst I don’t agree with kicking one’s child out, £70 is nothing. He needs to start contributing at least £50 a week - that’ll make him hunt for a job and get off his arse. Then once he has a job, up it to £300/£400 a month.

Something needs to change or you’re going to be subsidising him for the rest of his life.

a tale as old as time...