Son eating us out of house and home

[Mumof118]

DS 19 eats everything and anything. He doesn’t leave anything for anyone else and doesn’t replace. He also infuriatingly doesn’t even let you know it’s gone or add it to the Alexa shopping list.

Example: Friday evening I buy 6 pints of milk. I just go to decant a bit to take to work and it’s all gone. Every last drop. I was even at the Supermarket at 3pm and could have bought more if he added it to the Alexa list

Another example, I go to get a cake from a pack of four for dessert. All gone.

A pack of eight wraps. All used up along with the cheese.

Am I being unreasonable getting upset with him. He thinks I am.

Yep they do eat a lot , my son the same but yours seems excessive, and how on earth can he afford £70 a month with no job?? He needs to get to the shops to replenish as he isnt doing anything atm,

ds(19) also has an insatiable appetite - he still growing (has gone from 6ft2in to nearly 6ft 3in in the last 6 months). It is not something he can control, his body is demanding it and he feels crap if he doesn't eat what it demands so I am always well stocked up with milk, wraps, chicken/tuna/eggs, cheese and high protein yoghurts!

Assuming you have agreed to the gap year and no contribution to rent/home the issue is communication only? The lack of job is a separate (but important) issue.

ds's knows what he is allowed to eat freely and what he needs to ask for so we don't have any issues. I do an online delivery twice a week so keep topping everything up as needed and he pops down to the shop if we run out of anything. I am careful not to blame him for needing to eat so much just now, but will nudge him to go to shop and resolve the issue if he doesn't communicate.

I learned from my DH (a v tall thin man) that young men often can eat a vast amount without gaining weight, but it doesn't always mean they need to.

DH would eat vast amounts at uni but then at one stage was skint and couldn't afford all the extra bags of donuts and pizzas and stuff and had to survive on just the meals he got in halls for a few weeks, it made no difference at all to his weight. A lot of the time these boys just eat like this out of boredom/enjoyment.

Also - exercise is good. Excessive exercise and weightlifting is actually an unecessary luxury that creates a calorie deficit, if he wants to do that, he needs to fund the surplus food it requires himself.

So, he’s 19 and he’s only just started eating this much? Or he’s been doing it for years, and you haven’t adapted how you do your shopping yet?

I also have a 19yo. He’s mostly away at university, but when he was still at home, and when he’s home for the holidays, I make sure I cater for him. I buy plenty of the kind of thing he likes to eat, and have spares. Also, if I need something for a meal I have planned, I will tell him not to eat it.

I’m a bit surprised that you went to the supermarket and didn’t buy milk, simply because it wasn’t on your shopping list. You didn’t know it was nearly all gone, but you must have known you’d need more fairly soon. Maybe you need to be a bit more flexible?

I agree it’s frustrating when people don’t tell you they’ve used the last of something, and just expect you to know. But don’t make a big deal of it. Just get him to go today and get the things you need. It’s not a punishment, it’s just that a consequence of running out of stuff is you need to get more of it.

@HardcoreLadyType

no.

if she bought 6 pints on Friday, at the weekend she wouldn’t be thinking they’d be close to running out would she? It’s six pints , it should last a week - not 2 days

Not quite the same, but we've always had to address this with au pairs, so early 20s, with insatiable appetites who don't understand about meal planning because they've never had to!

I have an old skool blackboard in the kitchen for shopping lists which we find better than Alexa as it's more visual and we could see at a glance if they were using it. The deal was, once there wasn't enough of something for the next person, it goes on the board, so like, down to the last 2 slices of bread, half a pint of milk, last apple, less than a portion of rice or pasta.

I also hide my favourites especially if I've stocked up whilst abroad on things I can't get here! Might work to have "your" tupperware where you decant a couple of the cakes etc to save them from your teen!

More extreme, we've just redone our kitchen and now have 2 fridges - a "fair game" one and a meal planned one. This has made me so happy

On mumsnet?? 😂

No, he’s 6’4” and extremely sporty of course.

I hear you. At one point we had 4 young adults living in the house and they were like a plague of locusts. We were spending over £400 a WEEK on food, it really stressed me out because it wiped out all my savings within a few months and I was doing a literal big shop four or five times a week. The point I lost my shit was when ds ate an entire fillet of beef that cost about £80 as a snack. I’d bought it to make DH a beef wellington on his birthday.

All these pearl clutchy mumsnetters who quake in horror at the very thought of charging their young adults board have obviously never had my family under their roof. Either that or they’re married to Jeff Bezos/Elon Musk!

DS is 13 and we are already having to make it very clear that certain foods are off limits (at his age, that's fewer) and other foods he either can't finish them or if he does, he has to let me know. eg milk, eggs, bread - he is welcome to those things as much as he likes. But if he finishes the milk at 3pm, he needs to tell me and I'll probably send him to the shop to buy more because we're a high needs tea/coffee house and no milk is simply not an option. Eggs and bread I'd probably just buy when next at the shop myself, but he needs to tell me.

I do find the treat things difficult and boys/men are annoying. If I buy a treat, inevitably, I don't get a look in because I might not want my portion until 4 days later... and it's long gone by then. I do therefore buy certain treats that either they don't like or that I can keep separately. But it does annoy me.

I would make him have his own food cupboard and not allow him to pinch from the other cupboard. When it runs out he needs to replace. I think 6 pints in one day is excessive and he needs to replace before things run out. Or get a milk delivery at least you have it every day then.

The point I lost my shit was when ds ate an entire fillet of beef that cost about £80 as a snack.

Yeah, I'd have lost my shit for this too. When DH and I first moved in together I did all the cooking etc, but he did have form for just casually thinking, "oh, that steak looks nice, I'll have it for lunch" when I'd bought it specifically for dinner. Ditto various other ingredients. That stopped pretty sharpish when I lost it!

OMG I was having an angry conversation with myself yesterday about this.

My son. Does. Not. Stop. Eating. Ever.

My teen son also has hollow legs. I buy him his own snacks and put them in his own cupboard so he doesn't eat mine and his sister's! He soon lets me know when he's run out, but I think most teenagers are a bit selfish tbh - being repeatedly rebuked for this is part of the growing up process!

My ds eats many elaborate lunches (as per another thread where teens seem to need to cook elaborate stuff rather than grab a sandwich for lunch) and eats at strange times, likes eating snacks etc, but he knows clearly what he is allowed to have and what he must leave as I’ve allocated it to family meals. He knows to ask if he’s not sure. He is also prepared to go to the shop to get himself stuff if need be (and probably claim back the money if it’s general food).

You need to be explicit about what he can and can’t touch. And how long it needs to last for. Some things such as toast, baked potatoes etc should be unlimited so he can’t complain of being hungry.
And make him go out to the shop when needed. What consequence was there for the 6 pints of milk? I hope he went immediately to get more? If money is an issue, then he should be paying for replacements too. And paying for stuff that’s extra to what you deem reasonable to buy.

I suspect that you should have put these boundaries in from a much younger age. It will be harder to “train “ him now. But he’s an adult now. If he wants to be treated like one then he should act like one. You don’t have to put up with it but you do need to enforce boundaries and consequences. Buy replacements and ban him from touching them if need be. If he won’t respect your boundaries then you have much bigger problems than a bit of food.

With two young adults, we go through 12 pints of milk a week. That’s just preparing porridge in the am and dh having cups of tea.
If any of them has milk for anything else (like a glass of milk as a snack), the 6 pints would disappear in 2~3 days.

He only does what he does because you allow it.
I made my teenage DS cook when he was hungry. He wasn't allowed to help himself to the ready made stuff.
I taught him to cook from age 13.
If he wanted something sweet he cooked flapjacks - cheap and cheerful.
I was a single mum and couldn't afford endless food.

This has reminded me of when I first went to uni- and was put sharing with guys for some reason- watching on with amazement as my flatmate used a giant salad bowl to eat out of because a normal bowl wasn't large enough for his gargantuan portions! Not having lived with men before, I'd never seen anything like it! 🤣 Also tall and thin.

He definitely needs to get out there and get a job - taking a year out isn't about just going to the gym and doing what he likes, so you're right to stress job-hunting must come first.

If he's being tempted to have a nice rest, he needs a cost of living reality check!

She's not objecting to him eating, just not letting anyone know the food is gone, or replacing it himself.

That is selfish behaviour, and he is now a fully grown man who needs to learn better, or god help the partner he ends up with.

He needs to at least add it to alexa, it's insanely easy you don't need to look for a pen!

My nephew is nearly 18 and apparently cannot be filled either. I think it could just be an age thing.

Although my managers nearly 30 yr old son who lives with her (stupid high rent area he is supposed to be saving) eats everything to but 'buys his own protein so thinks he is supporting him self

I would rearrange fridge and freezer so there is a "free Access" shelf so things don't get wiped for meals. I would also put aside things I or H want or need etc. Milk - can you do with long life for work? Have some in the cupboard. But at 3pm yesterday you knew you needed work milk so I would have bought a pint just in case. But yes annoying that he just uses and uses the last without considering even the need for a cuppa in the am. I have a girl 18yr old at Uni at Mo but I really felt it when she came home - newly veggie too - and my shopping was all out of whack as some things she was eating up and others ignoring and they go out of date etc. Didn't help we were staying in an AirBnB temporarily due to building work with very little storage for food. I just text all family when I am doing a shop asking what they want on the list - Alexa too easy to forget to add.

no one needs that many calories 🤷‍♀️

@LuckySantangelo35

Oh don't be daft. That's less than 1,800 calories.

What he shouldn't be doing is taking them all in milk. And if he does, not replacing.

I can never understand how people don't enforce boundaries around food and kids- I totally get that some stuff is free reign - but things that are more special or if there are 4 in a pack, and 4 people in the family then obviously its one each.

Teenagers are totally able to understand this- if they bought food to share with friends and their parents ate it - they would be upset.

I have a friend with 2 lovely sons- I went over to their house once with 12 Krispy Kremes - (a big deal and expensive for me at the time)

I showed them and we put them on the side for later.
About 10 minutes later she was making us a cup of tea and on the side - the box was there with 1 donut left. Her sons had eaten 11 of them! They hadn't even considered that there were 6 people and therefore enough for at least one each.
My friend sort of laughed it off but I could have cried. It was the total spoilt entitlement.
It is a parents job to teach them this important social skill- it wouldn't be OK to do this at work, or with a new partners parents etc

Another example, I go to get a cake from a pack of four for dessert. All gone.

A pack of eight wraps.

That's just really thoughtless/selfish isn't it?

There are 4 of us in the family so it would obviously be one cake each & probably 2 wraps each unless it was stuff bought specifically for him.

They've known this since being young kids.

I'd be ashamed if I had a 19yr old behaving like that.

It's not unreasonable for him to eat it. It IS unreasonable for him to
a) finish it without asking
b)not tell you it's all gone