Son eating us out of house and home

[Mumof118]

DS 19 eats everything and anything. He doesn’t leave anything for anyone else and doesn’t replace. He also infuriatingly doesn’t even let you know it’s gone or add it to the Alexa shopping list.

Example: Friday evening I buy 6 pints of milk. I just go to decant a bit to take to work and it’s all gone. Every last drop. I was even at the Supermarket at 3pm and could have bought more if he added it to the Alexa list

Another example, I go to get a cake from a pack of four for dessert. All gone.

A pack of eight wraps. All used up along with the cheese.

Am I being unreasonable getting upset with him. He thinks I am.

Something needs to change or you’re going to be subsidising him for the rest of his life.

What absolute bum.

Being selfish and thoughtless to other people in the house is one thing.

Being a young person who gets very hungry and needs to eat alot of food is another.

I though we were in a cost of living crisis? Where is everyone getting so much money that they can afford a single person to burn through whole punnets of fruit / whole pizzas / whole pack of wraps etc in one sitting as a snack??

What would these boys do if the parents had no money to buy this kind of food?

Your son is likely taking steroids. Night sweats and hair loss are classic symptoms, as are mood swings and unexplainable anger.

If it's not steroids, he needs to see a doctor for the night sweats and hair loss, it needs investigating.

My 18yo ds eats a ridiculous amount. It’s normal for this age, especially in boys. Explain that you need him to tell you if he’s used the last of whatever so you can replace. They don’t think, it’s infuriating.

Yeah I would ask him to add to list when he uses last of something and if he doesn't he goes to shop to replace. Immediately

Get him involved in household budgeting and shopping. Maybe cooking some family meals. Valuable life skill.

This see my post above DS always comes shopping with me if he is at home. DH and Dd have less than no interest and eat whatever they are given.

My eldest is 15 but eats like a little horse. We've drummed into him that he asks for food - the answer is always yes but we'll have a conversation about what he can eat - both in terms of what would be a sensible healthy thing to eat but also what is not already earmarked for other things. The exception is the biscuit tin which he always raids after school but that just has basic biscuits which I don't mind replacing frequently.

We did have to have words about him feeding all his friends. It's lovely that they feel comfortable enough to come round to ours after school and I often find them sat around the kitchen table with hot drinks and a snack! He's welcome to feed them bread and jam, or biscuits but he needs to ask if he's doing more - I've been stung by the him cooking them a packet of sausages that were planned for dinner or offering and eating a whole homemade cake.

My DM would have never let me not work at 19 let alone eat all the food she pays for

DS16 is respectful and checks if certain stuff is up for grabs before eating first. Other boring stuff like Weetabix or fruits not so much. We buy all that regularly anyway.

They all go through loads of crisps.

Get him moved out asap. If he can afford gym he can pull weight round house too

Get him moved out asap. If

🙄

Well indeed. And how did previous generations who had far less money and just far less access to the array of foods we have manage?. My 65 year old uncle is 6'2 and a very big man and I can tell you, there simply wasn't the means to have anything other than three simple meals per day. Some of what is going on with young men today is pure gluttony and indulgence, often fuelled by gym related nonsense. I have a friend with three teenage sons who gets through over 100 eggs a week, that is actually revolting.

Empty him out a cupboard and a shelf in the fridge tell him to fill them with his own food to eat.

Provide one family meal at dinner time and outside of that he caters for himself from his own supplies.

And I'd be telling him that as of Feb 1st his board is going up to £50 a week. He needs to work.

It’s fine for him to eat food, but showing no consideration for other members in the house is selfish and not acceptable, he lives with people, not alone, so he needs to consider others until he gets his own place, then he can be as selfish as he likes.

Send him to the shop to replace the items.
And tell him not to eat whe pacages.
Maybe a food planner will help, so he knows what others want to eat and leaves it alone.

OK, so he's only been 2 weeks without a job and is looking for another one? That's not bad.

When DS's period "between jobs" looked likely to stretch out, we told him his contribution to the household was to do all the housework as everyone else was working. I don't know if this was a key point in him finding another job quite smartish but that was what happened :)

With regards to the food, I would have sent him out to buy replacements. Natural consequences and all that.

I think if he has savings he has to go shopping and buy his own extras plus contribute £200 a month to the household budget. 6 pints of milk over a weekend is insane. This would drive me mad with rage. My adorable ds was a little like this so I have nothing but empathy. Give him a list and send him to the shops - he’s paying. Bet he’ll look a little harder for a job then, and save your electric.

Maybe she can't afford to not charge him?

Better to educate him now. Adding to the shopping list is nothing. At that age he should be much better at helping the family. I would say to the mothers of boys that the work you do now will affect their marriages, relationships and house-share in the future. Those cooking and pampering them also. A healthy balance is needed.

You need to charge him more! Calculate how much food he eats in a week and give him the bill. I’d say another £50 a week.

I think that sending him out to the shop to replace food will hopefully have them think twice about eating it all. This works with my 17 year old who’d rather not be forced to go to the Co-op or Tesco Express. If he’s self catering at uni then it’s a matter of time before he learns the hassle of making a list and going to the shop. You want him to stick to that knowledge in the holidays rather than revert to this behaviour so you need to find some sort of solution.

The alternative is if it’s not on the shopping list then he can’t eat it. If he wants 42 pints of milk a week then he has to add to the list and doesn’t drink yours. If he can’t do that then he needs to physically come to the shops with you and consider his food intake for the week.

Another solution is pays for his own snacks. Might help him to learn how his snack choices vary in price before uni eg wraps are cheap but cheese isn’t.

He just needs a firm hand and follow through.

Don't 'remind' him that he 'should' be looking for a job.

Give him a deadline of say, beginning of March. If he's not contributing X amount to weekly household expenses by then, he's out.

You can help him do his CV, look for jobs etc., but he absolutely firm on the fact that he will get a job or he will have to claim JSA and most likely move into supported accommodation until he finds his own place. It has to be an absolute deadline and you have to ensure he knows that you are serious and will follow through. With some teens/ young adults this is the only way to motivate them.

Also, if he doesn't step up with the food issue, just stop buying so much stuff that he likes. Buy food that doesn't interest him. If you want cake/ chocolate etc, just temporarily keep it in your bedroom where he can't access it. He'll quickly sort out the behaviour if he actually knows there are consequences. You're being too easy on him.

He has savings from family gifts and his previous job and has in the region of about £4000-£5000 in his bank.

Bloody hell OP. If he has that much money you should definitely demand that he start paying proper rent. I'd tell him that X amount of rent is due on the 1st March. It's up to him if he wants to get a job, but if he doesn't, he'll be paying it out of the money he has in the bank.

It really sounds like he needs to learn some adult life skills and maturity. The way you facilitate that in a case like this is actually by being a little bit harsh in order to motivate him.