Autistic women assemble! #3

[Nepmarthiturn]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

No, it's this horror:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sitestuff/5086338-ablesim-on-mumsnet

It starts off well, then it disintegrates badly.

Aye, same shit, different thread, Shell

I also saw the "3 year old Autistic child" thread the OP alluded to. Full of people falling over themselves saying to Get That Child Taught To Wait Their Turn.

And there was a lot of nastiness about situational mutism, too.

I didn't see that. Probably a good job really as DD has a diagnosis and fake misunderstanding / willful disbelief is somewhat of a pet hate of mine.

Anyway, it's a beautiful morning here. DD and I went for a walk at 10.30 last night and it was cool, quiet and still not quite dark with a whiff of woodsmoke in the air. We love our evening walks. Very good for the soul.

Hope everyone has a good weekend whatever you're up to.

I have posted some comments on that thread having just read it.

I am tempted to do what I've just said there, to prove the point...

@Nepmarthiturn

If you do start the threads you've suggested (on the thread on Site Stuff) have you got the mental energy for them at the moment?

Because as you know, there are a great many anti-autism posters around on Mumsnet. These threads could be very destructive to your mental health.

I myself have to be in a certain frame of mind even to click on threads where autism is discussed. I usually hide them and avoid them.

I think a lot of us have RSD (I certainly do) so threads where autism is mocked really, really bother me. If I do post on them, I often get reported and deleted.

I'm not sure what I'm even trying to say in this post! Sorry.

I’m starting to think that Mumsnet might be owned by the Daily Mail 🙄

They certainly have a lot of posters who have knee jerk responses to some scenarios.

Completely F up my marriage of nearly 20 years!!!!

I am AuDHD and my husband left me 10 days ago saying he isn’t happy.

I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage like making important decisions about the children without him as i was the one mostly with them.

He felt like he was walking on eggshells around me waiting to do something to upset me, yes i am like a dog with a bone but i can’t help it.

I take things like criticism to heart and he felt he couldn’t talk to me.

He didn’t like my lack of affection.

So yeah i lost the man i adore because i F up!

I am broken

I'm so sorry to hear about that @PartyPartyYeah

It's a shame your husband wasn't able to work with you and support you. If you say you were making important decisions about the children without him, then was he actually pulling his weight here? Was he present? I'm wondering if it was easy for him to blame you here / blame your AuDHD, but to me, he should at least acknowledge his own failings.

Be kind to yourself, and I hope you can manage to move forward.

For what it's worth, I'm AuDHD and cannot do relationships. I always walk away as people tend to disappoint me.

So sorry @PartyPartyYeah

You sound as though you're taking all of the blame, but it takes two.

Did you go to couples therapy? If not, would that be something you and your husband would be willing to try?

My DH and I saw a therapist who specialised in couples counselling when one or both parties are autistic (I'm autistic and DH is NT). We found it really helpful, especially with our communication differences.

This is a very good point and I have tried to contain my rage after reading that. You are right: I do not have the endurance to withstand it or the time to engage in it at the moment, so thank you for the wise advice.

If our situation ever improves and I recover a little I may do it though, just so that therie is unequivocal proof of: a) how autistic people are discriminated against and expected to put up with vile "opinions" that would not only not be expressed about a different protected characteristic, but would also receive a completely different response than someone with a different neurological condition like epilepsy would receive, for example; and 2) that MNHQ do not take appropriate moderation action.

But you're right, it is not a project for today! I should try to sleep for a couple of hours. 🤣

@PartyPartyYeah I am so sorry to hear about what has happened. You must be heartbroken.

It is a classic thing for a man to try to blame their partner/ wife when they leave though, to ease their own conscience about what they are doing. It's very easy with us because we are quite impressionable to convince us it's all our fault. We are just a terrible person, impossible to live with. I suspect you may well, in time, realise this is not the truth of the situation.

But that doesn't make it any less painful, I know.

It sounds trite I know (believe me!) but just get through each day. That is all you can do at first. Don't entertain any discussion with him, it will make it worse for you.

If he had become so unhappy he needed to leave why had he not discussed it with you until now, before it got to that point? Where was his effort to communicate how he was feeling and work together on a way forward?

It sounds like the script to me, I am afraid. "It's all you, you're just unbearable to live with". So unbearable that he stayed married to you for 20 years? And the poor soul was too terrified to talk to you about it? I don't believe it at all.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Two people are in a relationship. This is NOT all your fault. He is the one that has blindsided you and sprung this on you and is now trying to blame you so he doesn't feel guilty about what he is doing.

You will be ok in time, I promise. I know it sounds like nonsense to you now, but you will. We are all here for you.

Hi all.

There's a really interesting response from Hebe (MN) on the Abelism thread. It's probably the most interesting and detailed I've ever seen. She's also confirmed that they have been dealing with a persistent Autism Troll recently. Interesting to know (and something a lot of us have long suspected)

Dear @PartyPartyYeah

It is not your fault. Relationships are a minefield anyway. Us autistic people are doing the best we can in a very difficult world, we cannot be responsible for the thoughts and actions of others.

I would like to join with @Nepmarthiturn in her empathetic response. I feel sad for you and angry about the way your husband walked out. I would like to offer you the thought that you are a kind person and you have done your best. You are grieving right now, and the pain may seem unbearable, but it will ease.

It is hard to articulate a response that I feel happy with. But I am trying to support you through the weird medium of social messaging, and I sincerely mean every word. I would like to add my thoughts to those of others here and say that I am here for you too.

@RainbowZebraWarrior @Nepmarthiturn @Clarice99 @inkymoose

Thank you for taking time to respond, i am beyond grateful.

Sorry if i have also taken over the thread.

All i can think about is if i had been a better person, better wife, less sensitive, less reactive to triggers he would still be here 😔

Please, please don't do that. I know things are raw for you right now, but please don't blame yourself and think you should have been 'better' or 'more' this / 'less' that.

That way madness lies.

Im pretty sure he could have been better, too.

You need to start thinking about his flaws. His shortcomings. As there will be many I'm sure.

His actions have wounded you and in your pain, you are blaming yourself for what he has done.

If I had been a completely different person ... if I had not been myself ... if I had not been stressed ... if I had not become upset ... If I had been better at masking .... if I had been able to turn the other cheek ...

It is remarkable and fantastic that an autistic woman is able to do all the things that you have done. To have a relationship and children, to continue in that relationship for 20 years - All the work that you have done, all the difficulties you have faced, it's admirable. Many people can't do any of that. And you have.

I completely get the pain of this. It's real, but really it is temporary. It cannot go on indefinitely because you begin to feel other things - just wounded and desperate, hopefully you will start to feel angry, your energy will grow.

I have been seeing a therapist for awhile. It's really helped me to understand myself better, to blame myself less, to recognise that being autistic is a disability, to see how my particular difficulties arise, how I have always blamed myself, for something I cannot help.

I think this thread is a good place to come to talk about all these things and to receive kind and compassionate responses that will hopefully help you and may also help other people reading it.

That's a brilliant post, inky and a great point you make.

I actually realised after many years that I'm a pretty amazing person. I've done really well despite struggling with my disability. I'm actually really proud of myself. That includes being proud of attempting to live within the expectations of a traditional long term relationship, but also the realisation that it wasn't for me and I was happy and more than enough on my own.

It can take a long time to he in a good place and to be able to frame it that way (be it therapy, self reflection etc) but it's so nourishing once you finally find some peace and belief in yourself.

Yes. All the women here are warriors, like your very apt name @RainbowZebraWarrior

We don't give ourselves enough credit. Rejection sensitivity and a lifetime of needs being ignored, trying to please everyone else, is self-esteen crushing and it's very easy to blame yourself especially if you've constantly been misunderstood.

But as I always tell my children, self-deprecation is not a hobby!

I hope your are as ok as you can be @PartyPartyYeah . It is very good advice to focus on yourself now. What you need. It sounds like you could do with a large dose of self-kindness.

@PartyPartyYeah

I'm so sorry that your husband's walked out on you.
I'm finding it hard to write a reply to you.
Pretty much the same thing happened to me, 28 years ago. It was sudden and brutal.

At the time, I had no idea that I was autistic.

It's the suddenness and the cruelty of the removal of affection which is so devastating. Just like having a rug pulled out from under your feet.

Did you and your husband try counselling? Do you suspect there's another woman somewhere in the background?

My ex actually wanted to explore gay sex, as it turned out.

My horrible sister agreed with everything he said and did. It was a nightmare and I ended up in hospital.

Anyway. I'm sending you love and solidarity. I know how awful you're feeling. As time goes on, you may feel that your husband's done you a favour. Struggling to mask in a relationship is nightmarish.

After three years I met my now DH. He loved me for myself and he wasn't gay.

I'm struggling to say this in a 'soft' way, as my communication is so direct, but I can't do it .............

PLEASE stop thinking it's you. It is not your fault. Thinking you should have been a better person, a better wife (gosh, I feel sick that you would think this) is so damaging to you.

Do you have a trusted person IRL you can talk to?

@TheShellBeach I am so sorry you have experienced similar, not just from your ex, but from your sister too.

Some people are just utter bastards 😡

I thought people might be interested in this https://www.digitalspy.com/soaps/coronation-street/a60983315/coronation-street-shelley-king-autism-diagnosis/

Yes that's basically what I tried to say

My posts may have came across a bit blunt, but I was quite horrified that partypartyeah was blaming herself for everything.

That's a really interesting interview Jewellery. Thanks for sharing.

I don't know if anyone watches Springwatch, or if you all know that one of the main presenters is Autistic. (Chris Packham has done programmes about Autism so I'm sure you'll all know that)

Anyway, there's an after show on every night and last night they had an AuDHD woman on who was into nature. She and Chris had a great talk and Chris said how he used to try and hide his Autistic traits and mannerisms and how hard it was. He said how he just couldn't / wouldn't do that any more. (Since being open about his Autism and not giving a stuff any more baclsically)

I'd noticed that he seemed more 'natural' and like he was being more of his real self, and I applaud that. I think it's brilliant that we have Autistic people on our screens, although Chris himself has said that he struggles a lot. He says that even nature itself which he adores so much, can overhelm and overestimate him at times too.

He also mentioned about how he can 'see' Autistic traits in other which is something wrong have all talked about here.

I'm thoroughly enjoying watching Springwatch more than ever, as I find watching Chris helps me. It's validating somehow, and I feel that's hugely therapeutic and reassuring.

plus it gives me something else to watch other than Detectorists for the 35th time