Autistic women assemble! #3

[Nepmarthiturn]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

@ThreeBeanChilli I’m sorry. Same thing happened to my DH this week (he’s also possibly ND - awaiting assessment). It’s crap. Did the interviewers know you are ND? I feel reasonable adjustments should be made somehow.

I've also failed interviews where I thought I was right for the job.
I'm retired now, but I still look back and wonder why.

Sorry it's late, but happiest of birthdays to you my dear Shell x

Thank you!
Thanks to you all.
We went out for dinner and brought half a bottle of champagne back with us.

@TheShellBeach happy birthday!

So sorry about that @ThreeBeanChilli . Try not to lose heart. Interviews can be very very hard especially when you're stressed about them beforehand.

I have been for many jobs that I haven't got, and I worked out afterwards that it wasn't always the interview that made the difference. Sometime the interviewers would have a candidate in mind, something it's impossible to prepare for, sometimes - at least on one occasion - at the top of my paygrade, I was too expensive. Sometimes I just messed up the interview. so I decided to prepare my interview technique.

I had been for a couple of unsuccessful interviews before I took the interview for my last job, and decided that wasn't going to be why I didn't get the job anymore. I practised in advance being 100% positive about my achievements and my work record. In the NHS they always ask you something about your weaknesses and I had found that difficult to answer in the past, didn't know I was autistic, wanted to be honest. So I decided that I would be determinedly positive about everything. Yes I do have weaknesses, they are X and Y, and the strength in being able to account for them is that I know what they are.

I had done research on the organisation I wanted to join and was able to answer questions competently and positively BUT one of the things I read in my interview preparation technique was that getting everything right in an interview is not essential, it is more to do with how you present, and talking too much is not a thing.

It was a big effort though. But I got the job. Then when I started the job I realised there were a lot of things they hadn't told me. But that was okay because I wanted to work there.

It was my last job because after that I retired.

Its so frustrating because I know I'm cleber, and learn quickly and do well but I present awkwardly and struggle knowing how to answer hypothetical questions.

And I don't know anymore what jibs to go for. I wish I'd retrained pre kids. I'm feeling so fed up with it all.

I managed to get some life admin sorted today, I booked an eye test for tomorrow and a dental appointment for next month (dentist only works one or two days a week so this was the earliest he was available).

I did a job interview a month or so ago, and got a phone call saying I’d been great in the interview but didn’t have enough experience (NHS admin). That I can deal with. The interviewer said I could join the “staff bank” instead - basically, if someone is ill or away for whatever reason, then someone from the staff bank fills in for them. Thing is, I haven’t heard anything further. That’s what I find annoying, a lack of communication. They say autistic people struggle with communication… everyone does, autistic or not. It’s so frustrating to be left in limbo! Guess I’ll just have to be more proactive and ask what’s going on.

Well done for booking the appointments @toffee1000 Tackling life admin can be tough at times.

Re: NHS 'bank staff' - the 'bank' is almost like an internal agency type of employment, no holiday entitlement, no sick pay etc, but you get shifts to suit you, or in theory that's how the bank is supposed to work. I understand that working for the NHS bank, you will gain experience which will go for you should you apply for a permanent NHS job in future.

It might be worth you posting in the chat section of the forum to ask if anyone can give you firm details because my knowledge is 'third hand' and very limited, but there may be NHS bank workers around who can give you some guidance.

Well done in the appointments. My dentist is lovely but I don't go as often as I should as not only do I hate the dentist but I have to call to book and I hate using a telephone too so usually takes me a week to bring myself to do it.

That's it!!!!
I had my autism assessment with Axia last week and I'm now officially autistic.

I was also diagnosed ADHD in March.

It's been amazing to learn so much about myself, thanks to the process.

I have been living with contradictions that have made life extremely difficult to navigate.

My assessor was fantastic. Very kind, trauma informed and just wanted to help me. She gave me loads of advice too and pointers for resources.

For anyone not sure about pursuing an assessment, please do not hesitate.

I also have a nice shiny letter, full of info about reasonable adjustments I can legally ask for, to help me navigate the world more peacefully.

Amazing. So, so grateful. 2 years ago, I was absolutely convinced I was not in any way autistic or ADHD.

Turns out I was both, all along.

Congratulations sword! Did you go private or NHS and how long did you have to wait?

What was the assessment like? I'm worried they won't "see" the parts of me that struggle.

I'm feeling really lonely tonight. I don't know why I don't maintain friendships. I feel like I commit and want to be loyal but I guess it is me. My husband can't cope with any type of emotion either so I'm struggling with work and our income and things and shared this and he just sits there and says nothing. My kids are ND and I obviously think I am but I can do empathy and kindness and my husband just can't respond. Whatever the reason I just feel lonely 😢. I'd so be there for others like a shot and as times gone on I don't have those types of people that are there for me. I think I've chosen friends I've supported and eh I've pulled back realised it was one way.

@ThreeBeanChilli well done for reaching out, you're never as alone as you think.
Is there a bright spot in your life you can focus on for a bit to help you move forward?
It might seem trite, but the best way I've found to squash down the intrusive thoughts that affect self-esteem is to find something that is positive and work from there.
Home, family, food, even a house plant that is still inexplicably alive will do.
Hang in there.

Oh. My. God.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5121204-if-i-was-ever-autistic-i-outgrew-it

BTW I hid that thread immediately.

Yes, I saw that thread too. I hope it’s gone soon. @ThreeBeanChilli I feel the same, lonely. I have no friends that I can count on. I’d be there for other people but it wasn’t reciprocal and I think it’s harder to find friends as you get older. Unfortunately I don’t have the solution

I'm disappointed today, I had a PIP tribunal yesterday and found out this morning I lost.
I still have just enough points to keep my blue badge, but not enough for Daily Living support.
I was trying to explain my struggles with executive function and working memory and how they affect cooking, washing, dressing and planning journeys, but the more anxious I got the more my mask went on. I came across on the phone as intelligent and capable, and the panel couldn't square that persona with my inability to call a cab or remember I have a pan in the hob.
They expressed open disbelief that I would sit in pain unless prompted to take painkillers and I cannot logically explain why I do that.
I hated asking for help, and now the fact I've struggled so long with just DH helping is held against me.
I can't navigate the system but am too "intelligent" to get help with it.
Sorry for the moan but I needed to unpack it somewhere to move on from this.

Also, we'll need a new thread soon.

That 'If I was ever Autistic, I've grown out of it' thread is a piss take as usual. I've had my say then walked away.

Sending support to anyone struggling right now.

@InMySpareTime I was denied at Tribunal 3 years ago and it affected me massively. At the time, I was awarded standard daily and nothing for mobility. I have physical health problems too. It genuinely knocked the stuffing out of me. I put a change in circumstances claim in a year ago, and I now get enhanced on both counts. I did have additional information, but I was actually awarded a blue badge from the council on my original information (even though PIP said I didn't qualify at any level for mobility and the Tribunal said my standard daily was "more than generous")

Not quite the same situation as yourself, but just wanted to say don't give up. It's a mind fuck. Like we need that on top of how much we struggle anyway. I had the same issues as you however with them thinking I was coherent, eloquent etc, etc..

I knew then that I was fucking myself over massively due to my learned ability to mask.

I think I got lucky eventually with a new Assessor who said "I'm going to get this for you, as you're obviously massively struggling"

Shouldn't come down to that, though.

I've made a new thread.

Hope nobody minds.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5122509-autistic-women-assemble-4