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Autistic women assemble! #3

996 replies

Nepmarthiturn · 06/01/2024 18:58

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

OP posts:
Thread gallery
31
JewelleryCat · 05/06/2024 16:22

I knew about Chris Packham and his programmes about autism which were really good. I never knew about the after show, do they talk about having autism on there like you said?

Clarice99 · 05/06/2024 16:33

@RainbowZebraWarrior

My posts may have came across a bit blunt, but I was quite horrified that partypartyeah was blaming herself for everything.

I feel there's a mutual understanding of our 'communication differences' and this thread is safe space for us to write our thoughts without judgement. I much prefer direct/blunt communication rather than ambiguous, flowery language.

Hurrah, a fellow Detectorists fan - love it! ❤️

RainbowZebraWarrior · 05/06/2024 16:43

JewelleryCat · 05/06/2024 16:22

I knew about Chris Packham and his programmes about autism which were really good. I never knew about the after show, do they talk about having autism on there like you said?

It's not on every night, but the Watch Out after show last night was the one where Chris discussed Autism with AuDHD Nature content creator Sarah.

Hopefully this should link to last night's episode. It will be available on iplayer.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/l0056mqh/springwatch-2024-watch-out-episode-3?seriesId=unsliced&page=1

Springwatch - 2024: Watch Out: Episode 3

Watch Out with Hannah Stitfall and Chris Packham

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/l0056mqh/springwatch-2024-watch-out-episode-3?page=1&seriesId=unsliced

RainbowZebraWarrior · 05/06/2024 17:10

Clarice99 · 05/06/2024 16:33

@RainbowZebraWarrior

My posts may have came across a bit blunt, but I was quite horrified that partypartyeah was blaming herself for everything.

I feel there's a mutual understanding of our 'communication differences' and this thread is safe space for us to write our thoughts without judgement. I much prefer direct/blunt communication rather than ambiguous, flowery language.

Hurrah, a fellow Detectorists fan - love it! ❤️

Totally understand and agree.

I have a deep dislike over the current overuse of overly emotive language. I think it's been exacerbated by social media. For example, people will use the word devastated for something like a broken nail.

Something else from Springwatch last night was Michaela Strachan accusing Chris Packham of being negative. He rightly corrected her that he was being realistic. I think this is something most people get wrong a lot too. I see being realistic / pragmatic as a strength.

It's often said that Autistic people lack empathy which is rubbish and largely debunked. We are also accused of completely black and white thinking. Yes, this is true to a degree, but it's much more nuanced than that. It's not about being nasty, or blunt as such, it's about being authentic, sensible, matter of fact.

I actually find that out of all the people I know, I'm the one that you'll never hear saying "I call a spade a spade" which to me, tends to be code for being a downright rude arsehole.

TheShellBeach · 05/06/2024 17:13

We also love Detectorists in this house!

Clarice99 · 05/06/2024 17:35

Categorising someone as 'negative' when they're realistic is one of my pet hates.

I find Michaela Strachan intensely irritating, but I wouldn't say that on TV in front of millions of viewers because that's just my opinion of her.

I'm pleased to read Chris Packham didn't let the negative comment go.

Psychoticbreak · 06/06/2024 23:56

@TheShellBeach I know I have been on it. And like the one last night and most nights it will be left up.

TheShellBeach · 07/06/2024 11:26

Ooh. The thread I linked earlier on has been deleted.

We are coming on.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 07/06/2024 11:29

TheShellBeach · 07/06/2024 11:26

Ooh. The thread I linked earlier on has been deleted.

We are coming on.

Bloody good to hear.

People are driving me mad in general lately with their batshittery. I've noticed so much black and white thinking and 'dog with a bone' type attitudes from the supposed NT posters. Not to mention the out and out bloody trolls.

TheShellBeach · 07/06/2024 11:29

Dear me.
A man came to do the monthly test for Legionella in our water supply.

Today he announced that the housing association wanted him to put stickers inside the cupboard doors, which have a QR code on them.

I had a nervous breakdown and peeled them off.

I can't stand stickers.

inkymoose · 07/06/2024 16:49

TheShellBeach · 07/06/2024 11:29

Dear me.
A man came to do the monthly test for Legionella in our water supply.

Today he announced that the housing association wanted him to put stickers inside the cupboard doors, which have a QR code on them.

I had a nervous breakdown and peeled them off.

I can't stand stickers.

I hate stickers too! I can't see the need for them at all. 38 degrees try to make me order stickers, anti-sewage, pro-nhs, whatever. No thanks

Hedwig997 · 09/06/2024 15:35

I've thought my DS was autistic for a few years and now others have started to notice it too. After a lot of self reflection I'm fairly certain he gets it through me. A lot of my 'quirks' seem to be to do my social tolerance or sensory issues.

Where is a good place to start? Is there a useful book or podcast?

Mabelface · 10/06/2024 07:55

My communication is brilliant, and this is really noticed in work. I'm clear, empathetic with no ambiguity and I regularly get told that I'm easy to talk to. Given that I work in a regulated industry, the clarity I give is vital and appreciated, as is my realism.

I find the NT style of communication much more difficult as there are too many unsaid nuances. Why not just say what you mean and mean what you say?

Little brain dump there 😉

ThreeBeanChilli · 10/06/2024 10:03

Ha yes there needs to be an impairment in communication skills to get a diagnosis but like you I consider my communication good...

Clear communication for the win rather than waffle where you have to read between the lines..

I've just booked a dr phone call to set the ball rolling for diagnosis. One of my issues is I've always answered the questions wrong one of my dear friends pointed out.

Do you like small talk?
Me yes I love it.
Friend - you don't DO small talk. What you call small talk is intense drilling to find area of compatible interest. Do you like talking about what's on TV weather etc... Stuff you don't find interesting. Er no.

Communication issues again..

Me I think I have fab communication skills (I'm a teacher)
Friend. Okay. So it's great when roles are defined and people have to listen to you (!) but how do you find socialccommunication..

Is there a primer as to what these questions actually mean? I want to make a list before my appointment (both for adhd and autism) but obviously we see ourselves as the norm until we realise everyone else is different....

PartyPartyYeah · 10/06/2024 11:46

Thanks for everyone who replied to me and helped me try and see it's not all my fault, hopefully one day i will.

How do you deal with the injustice of someone hurting you so badly?

RainbowZebraWarrior · 10/06/2024 12:36

PartyPartyYeah · 10/06/2024 11:46

Thanks for everyone who replied to me and helped me try and see it's not all my fault, hopefully one day i will.

How do you deal with the injustice of someone hurting you so badly?

I really hope you can, Party. Please be kind to yourself.

The injustice of someone hurting me or doing wrong to me, I find I can easily hate them. It's like they are dead to me. They've proved they weren't who I thought they were. That might sound blunt and unemtiotional, and I think it is. It's probably where my practical, pragmatic, but also Autistic black and white thinking kicks in most. They weren't worth it is what I think. They showed me who they really were and don't deserve me. Maybe it's a survival mechanism.

Trying to put my more helpful head on for you, I did find when I split with DDs Dad that it really helped to write stuff down. It highlighted exactly how unhelpful he had been. I wrote down how he never told me well done when I had DD, how he left most of the childcare to me. He never got up during the night ever (cos I was breastfeeding, so it was a great reason for him to leave it to me) He never really looked after me when I was unwell. I gave more than I got back for sure. Seeing it written down proved that (as I did go through a period of feeling gaslighted)

That was 11 years ago and I've still got the book I wrote all that in. It sounds like I hold grudges; I don't. I just need to remember what happens to me if I fall into people pleasing mode again.

Ultimately, being with him meant less time to spend caring for myself. Managing someone else when you're Autistic is exhausting (to me) i just can't do it. So you either have to have someone who really understands you and looks after you, or it just won't work.

So after all my waffling, I'd say write things down. Ask yourself if hes who you thought he was. Or talk to someone if you can. A friend, family member, a therapist. Share on here if you feel you can.

Sorry I don't feel I'm much help, but I think I'm the way I am as most people disappoint me.

TheShellBeach · 10/06/2024 12:42

The injustice of someone hurting me or doing wrong to me, I find I can easily hate them. It's like they are dead to me. They've proved they weren't who I thought they were. That might sound blunt and unemtiotional, and I think it is. It's probably where my practical, pragmatic, but also Autistic black and white thinking kicks in most

Yes! This is exactly how I feel, too.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 10/06/2024 12:50

@ThreeBeanChilli I think that sounds like you've made good progress. Talking to someone else who points out things you don't realise yourself is a great way of helping you understand.

I did the AQ50 about 3 times. Things I initially thought didn't apply, actually really did once I'd thought it through. Where I needed to, I made notes at the side. I've said this before, but the question "are you unaware you are talking too much / boring people?" I put something like I know I'm doing it, but I absolutely can't stop.

I don't know if you've ever watched Atypical (show on Netflix) The protagonist says people don't think he realises when they are picking on him. He does, he just doesn't understand why.

I think telling the GP that what you find is normal makes it hard to complete these questions, but they will still expect you to have had a good go at it as a pre screener prior to opening the door to assessment.

I don't think there's anything that really explains what the questions mean as such. It's something that can be delved into deeper during assessment.

I wrote pages of info (no surprise there from me!) but picked out a few choice statements to give to my GP such as:

Only ate 4 different foods as a kid.
Obsessive about being on time or early.
Don't always get jokes.
Talk far too much or not at all
(Often monologue and interrupt)
Can't touch certain things (newspaper, bricks, put my hand in a crisp packet)
Quite obsessive interests (Aircraft, Birds, Farming, Medical Information)
Needs and gives massively detailed information.

Before I knew it, I went from wondering if I was Autistic to it being extremely bleeding obvious.

TheShellBeach · 10/06/2024 12:56

I remember when I went through the AQ50 saying to myself "Doesn't everybody?" when I answered some of the questions.

🤣🤣

ThreeBeanChilli · 10/06/2024 13:00

It was my daughters questionnaire that made me realise... I think her questions were different and yes it was when we both thought "doesn't everybody" to some of these questions...

And then after her diagnosis it's become more aparant that I think she's normal 😊(admittedly 4years ago but she's becoming older now and the similarities are huge).

One of my fab conversations was pre her diagnosis telling a friend she doesn't have special interests (ha I was so wrong). Bit later on I said how wonderful it was that she was going to the school library everyday and she'd read all the books relating to life in the war and the librarian had let her read the yr 6 books.. My friend (different one) did probe a bit and asked if that wasn't unusual. I said no it's what I would have done... 😂. Just following up a school topic. Intently. Friend asked how many other people In her year do this...

I can't believe how I couldn't see it!

LoveSandbanks · 17/06/2024 16:18

I never get notifications when there are new posts on this thread. How do you do that? I feel I’ll post in response to things but unless I’m quoted in a reply then I get no notifications and it looks like I’ve lost interest.

how do I keep up to date?

JewelleryCat · 17/06/2024 17:34

LoveSandbanks · 17/06/2024 16:18

I never get notifications when there are new posts on this thread. How do you do that? I feel I’ll post in response to things but unless I’m quoted in a reply then I get no notifications and it looks like I’ve lost interest.

how do I keep up to date?

I pin this thread so if there are any posts, I see them straight away. Are notifications on in your settings? How are you anyway?

LoveSandbanks · 17/06/2024 17:53

JewelleryCat · 17/06/2024 17:34

I pin this thread so if there are any posts, I see them straight away. Are notifications on in your settings? How are you anyway?

Settings? I’ll have to investigate

thanks for asking, I’m mostly ok, I’m reducing my antidepressants so that I can start adhd meds (when I get to the top of the titration list) so I’m currently stuck with RSD and a bit of emotional regulation dysfunction without the full dose of anti d’s to mask it. I’m absolutely knackered but am only working part of this week so will have a lovely few days off from Wednesday.

JewelleryCat · 17/06/2024 18:35

LoveSandbanks · 17/06/2024 17:53

Settings? I’ll have to investigate

thanks for asking, I’m mostly ok, I’m reducing my antidepressants so that I can start adhd meds (when I get to the top of the titration list) so I’m currently stuck with RSD and a bit of emotional regulation dysfunction without the full dose of anti d’s to mask it. I’m absolutely knackered but am only working part of this week so will have a lovely few days off from Wednesday.

Yeah, you might have accidentally pressed it to not let notifications happen, I’m not sure but something to see about otherwise I’m not sure

When will you start the adhd meds or don’t you know yet? Oh that’s good that you can just chill out from Wednesday