Autistic women assemble! #3

[Nepmarthiturn]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Thank you @RainbowZebraWarrior , @TheShellBeach , @inkymoose

@Nepmarthiturn 💐

I want to try and pull up the old series now and try to find you! 🤣

Tell us your menus!!

@RainbowZebraWarrior
My awful ex-husband went to catering college with Gary Rhodes.

ExH thought GR was "very full of himself" which was rich, coming from him. All the LOLZ, as they say.

🤣🤣🤣

I've never eaten a Pot Noodle.
I've never even bought one.

😂

It's an utter scandal the way this is happening to girls who 'aren't disruptive enough' or have learning difficulties that apparentlt don't make their Autism 'profound enough' to get the school to start the EHCP processes.

Also this. These ignorant fuckwits - even a supposed SENCO! - who think they can judge the impact of how much a child's autism affects her by how much it affects them. If they'd attended even a half hour training course on autism in girls they'd know about masking. As if her distress is any less because she is academically bright. All the academic research shows that autistic girls who can mask have a double whammy, the compounded effect of dealing with their autism AND the horrific impact that the masking has on them so have MORE support needs than those who cannot mask, are MORE at risk. But clearly one can't expect people whose job it is to coordinate provision for SEN children, who work in education, to have even the faintest idea about academic research on the topic of their own profession. Or even read it when links to it are sent to them: far too much effort.

Schrödinger's SENCO is off enjoying her holiday in the sunshine, with far better things to do than concern herself with such trivial matters as lifelong damage to a five year old that her negligence has caused.

It's inconceivable given all of these reports from consultant neurodevelopmental paediatricians, her GP, SALTs etc that they are still that ignorant so at this point the only conclusion left is that they are traumatising her and deriving her of her education on purpose. I don't know how any of them sleep at night, but Dante's ninth circle of hell awaits them, I hope.

#lifegoals 🤣

Crikey. I'll see if I can remember (I cooked some of my best stuff in the non televised heats)

For the TV regional final, I made Pork tenderloin stuffed with chicken mousse and black pudding (cooked in a water bath) served with roasted seasonal vegetables and a mustard, cream and honey sauce (using my own honey)

I put saffron in the cream sauce. Gary asked me what I thought the saffron brought to the party and I said colour. He scoffed and said the food was ALL about the flavour, NOT colour. I was dying to say that if it looked like a pile of dogs sick, would he be inclined to eat it? I got wrong off my Aunty (An outspoken women from Fife) for not getting him bloody told.

Gary also did a series just after this where he opined about the importance colour was on a plate. I was hopping mad at him for that. Maybe I taught him something. haha.

For pudding, I made chocolate lime cheesecake with a chocolate sponge base and a lime and champagne sauce (home made lime curd mixed with champagne)

I think I went too complicated tbh. It was a bit show offy. The Director and Producer thought i should have won thougn.

(The stipulation was a pork main dish and a sponge pudding. I wanted to make a cheesecake, so I just did one with a sponge base. Gary Rhodes asked me how it was a cheesecake. I said it was a cheesecake with a sponge base)

The recipes used to be on the BBC food website credited to my name. They've recently had a tidy up though and they've gone.

Omg.

<makes mental note to invite @RainbowZebraWarrior over for dinner, pass off a takeaway as my own creation and hope for a return invitation!>

I reeallly want to watch that series now!

Amazing that you did that. The stress and time pressure and being on camera... I love to cook but could never, ever do that. Did you enjoy it? Your food sounds amazing!

The cheeky git telling you colour doesn't matter then later espousing how much it does. No wonder you were fuming! Maybe he did learn something from you. Not that such arrogant men ever admit it, of course.

I did enjoy it. I had a thing then of feeling the fear and doing it anyway (before I burned out)

Looking back, I came across quite Autistic then even though at the time I didn't know. When Gary arrived at the studios, he came striding towards me with outstretched hand to introduce himself. I turned away muttering that I couldn't find any white pepper. I cringe a bit now. I also put on a 'TV' voice!

Oh @Nepmarthiturn im unbelievably sorry to read all your updates. We went through something similar with ds2 but it was at least not until he started secondary school.

have you applied for an ehcp? It’s given on need not diagnosis.

for some reason teachers seem to think they are the only people that have had an education 🙄. I have a friend with a phd and the school still tried to make out they knew more than she did!!

big hugs, we’re here for you.

Thanks @LoveSandbanks . I'm sorry to hear you have also been through similar with your son. It is heartbreaking. I have to admit I didn't expect things to be this bad yet, early primary school was meant to be the easy part. It probably would have been with competent staff who didn't pretend her disability didn't exist.

She has a diagnosis, she was diagnosed 18 months ago and school were advised before she even started. That's what makes it even more shocking. The SENCO was meant to be doing the EHCP application (as advised in her diagnosis report) but decided last term not to (no explanation still. I've asked for their evidence because all of her specialists say she needs one. No reply of course. Submitted a subject access request to get the evidence and they've not complied with it). Her advocate and I are now putting the application for the EHCP in ourselves this week, but so much time has been wasted. The same for my son (now YR2). No doubt the school will obstruct both applications so we'll have to go to tribunals, but we certainly will need the EHCPs for the longer term and secondary schools as they're highly unlikely to cope in mainstream secondary. But primary, with just a decent amount of help and kindness, should have been ok. My son is coping but nowhere near his academic potential. My daughter can't cope at all. Such a callous way to treat small children. I really hope that karma comes back to bite these evil people.

When Gary arrived at the studios, he came striding towards me with outstretched hand to introduce himself. I turned away muttering that I couldn't find any white pepper.

Sounds like a perfectly natural reaction to me! Instincts!

White pepper will do when there's no pepper spray to hand.

🤣🤣

@Nepmarthiturn I am SO sorry that you're going through such a horrific time. I have no advice/no experience as I don't have children. All I can do is offer solidarity from one autistic woman to another 🌻

@RainbowZebraWarrior I'm very impressed by your cooking skills but more impressed that you went on the telly, in front of millions of people 😱

@Clarice99 thank you for the sunflower - my favourites!

Totally agree re. the TV. I can't bear being photographed even so am completely in awe of @RainbowZebraWarrior for doing that. It's like one of my nightmares: time pressure, strangers, random questions, tasks with no preparation time, being filmed!! 😱😱😱😱

All the academic research shows that autistic girls who can mask have a double whammy, the compounded effect of dealing with their autism AND the horrific impact that the masking has on them so have MORE support needs than those who cannot mask, are MORE at risk.

Thank you for this, that's helped to explain my own experiences as a late-diagnosed high masker.

I'm horrified but unsurprised at what your DD is going through and what you are going through for her.

Could you afford to ask your employer for a "sabbatical", a block of unpaid leave, whilst you deal with this? You need sleep and having the day job taken off you for a while would give you time to sleep. You might also be able to get legal help through your employee assistance programme, your union, or your home insurance.

I'm the same @Nepmarthiturn , I hate having my photograph taken. I even avoided getting married in the 'usual' way as I couldn't bear to be under scrutiny for the day and have photographic evidence of my extreme awkwardness.

It's weird, but I've been on TV quite a bit. As a kid, then later on as an adult (I did a lot of supporting artist stuff)

To me, it feels like I'm acting in life anyway.

I often look at the (very few) known Neurodivergent people on TV and wonder if they will burn out, or if they manage to keep it going. It's one of the reasons I think I get Christine McGuiness. I pretended for so long to fit a certain stereotype. It's hard to explain, as I was a painfully shy kid that barely spoke. I also pushed myself to travel the world on my own at 35. On the odd moments I allowed myself to think about it, it freaked me out. I just had to keep pretending to be my alter ego. (With occasional moments where my mask would slip and everyone would literally see I was an imposter)

It's a sad fact that anyone who only knew me in my 20s and 30s has no idea who the real me is. I was a great actor in that sense, but it took its toll.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia learning that, about the impact of masking, really helped me to understand myown experiences of life as well. I hope it does help you. It's so difficult to get neurotypical people to understand this despite robust research on the topic. Many are convinced that they can just the "severity" of someone's autism by how it appears externally, how much it impacts them, not the autistic person. It's so damaging to have to deal with all of the struggles entailed by being autistic in a world designed for neurotypical people, but when you add to that the extra mental health toll of maintaining the mask, and then people denying you any support and treating you as neurotypical and expecting the impossible of you because of the mask, it's unsurprising that this often has devastating results.

Not to mention that it puts masking autistic girls and younger women in particular at huge risk of abuse, assault etc (vastly higher than neurotypical girls/ young women, for whom the stats are frightening enough) because people don't realise how vulnerable they are and often believe them to be very capable and mature because of the masking.

It's tragic, and my biggest fear is history repeating itself. I had really hoped things would be different by now and my daughter would receive more support and protection.

I can't afford to take unpaid leave unfortunately. I've exhausted all my savings with private assessments, medical care etc for the children over the last few years, fights through family court to protect them. I could take some sick leave but really do not want to have to do that having already had to take a large chunk of time off in the not-too-distant past due to a significant ME relapse caused by Covid, so it wouldn't look good. I may end up with no choice if this carries on but I really don't want to risk my job because with my health as it is now I'd struggle to find another one. We really are being backed into a corner.

Looking at employee assistance/ insurance for help with any legal costs is a good idea that hadn't occurred to me though, thank you. I will get onto that.

Thank you to all of you for being so supportive. I've been gaslit so much these last few months that I started to feel like I was going mad, so talking to some sane people really helps.

@RainbowZebraWarrior I know exactly what you mean. I tried so hard to counteract what I saw (pre-diagnosis or knowing anything about autism/ ADHD) as my "weaknesses" and thought if I just tried harder I could overcome them and be who everyone wanted me to be. People didn't know the real me" at all. I didn't even know the real me, I am still trying to disentangle the mask now so that I can even know myself properly. It's a weird and very long process, isn't it? I do often wonder how different life might have looked with an earlier diagnosis and more self-understanding and therefore designing a life that worked for me better whereas now in many ways I am trapped where I am by responsibilities so even though I know it doesn't work, I can't do much to change it. Not yet anyway.

That feeling of being gaslit is so destabilising and the damage it causes can have such a negative impact. I feel sick at the thought of what you're going through @Nepmarthiturn. Life can be shit sometimes.

I hope that you are able to get legal advice via your home insurance. My DH utilised this route for an accident, and he had a successful outcome.

Have y'all seen the thread that a brave soul has started on Site Stuff, about ableism on here?

It's thoroughly depressing.

Yes, I watched that from the start and was thoroughly depressed indeed (shouldn't have been surprised, really) at how many arseholes still piled on. Fuck sake.

MNHQ commented, but still let the twats pile on.

Have a horrible feeling you're referring to a different one, @TheShellBeach but this is the one I was thinking of.

Abelism knows no bounds, eh?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/5066800-disability-hate-on-mn