Conversations you have that are totally normal at work but would sound very odd in public

[Idratherbepaddleboarding]

This conversation I had at work yesterday made me chuckle as it was said do nonchalantly, yet would definitely have caused raised eye brows if overheard in public:

co-worker: I’ll need to get it done today, I can’t do it tomorrow because I’m going to prison.

me: Oh me too! Which prison are you going to?

What totally normal conversations do you have at work that would sound dodgy in public? Perhaps people would like to play guess the occupation too?

This is insane and terrifying! However I could do with a casual £5mil so how do I go about getting some of that that the bank don’t even really care about?!

"basically you've got to prise and hold them both open and then introduce the finger"

I actually said this a couple of days ago.

The worst one we have is a guy who insists on asking for a small knob with his toast he is referring to a small pre packet butter.

'I nearly gave someone plague this morning '
'public health won't like that'
'it's okay, I caught it in time'

A pharmacy assistant friend loudly announced that she'd been popping pills all day when we were out at dinner

Everyone would know what was meant , but we would also think it was said like that to be 'edgy'.

Usual phrasing these days would be hang the masking and lose the workers.

And you probably wouldn't turn off the working lights when you were starting a task like doing the masking anyway

This puts me in mind of my friend who is the exact opposite. She owns her own business in retail, and we were meant to be going out one night but she was late. When she arrived she apologised and said she'd been closing up at one of the shops and the day's figures were 15p out. It had taken her ages to find the mistake but she couldn't leave until she found it or it would be driving her crazy all night. I must tell her that the Bank of England are happy to the closest £5 million!

Not strictly colleagues but I did just today say the following;

Do NOT put your tongue in Sebastian’s water bottle.

Yes, it is diarrhoea if it comes out really runny. I hope your dog feels better soon, but let’s get back to maths shall we.

I don’t care if Berta has a rhinocerous under the table, it’s not your business what she’s fiddling with and you’re supposed to be labelling your skeleton.

I teach year 3. They’re a lovely bunch, but goodness me they do like an overshare.

Can someone do a penis patrol and get them covered up?

'We'll lose that in the rounding as it's less than £1m'. Work in finance for a Government Department. Originally it felt really weird to be saying that anything less than £1m wasn't big money.

I work in tech theatre, a colleague of mine always used to joke about it being the only place it was acceptable to say these phrases (and I definitely still ask people to kill the workers when I need the flouresent lights switched off!)

No - historic building.

Sadly, the dungeon is more of a cellar really.

‘I’ve just been potted after trial for a s18. I punched a young bloke to the ground outside a pub and fractured his jaw with 2 kicks to the face. Some provocation but nothing much. I’m an alcoholic, lots of previous for minor violence but nothing like this. What do you think I’m looking at?’

"Tooty, will you photocopy some more vaginas for me please"?

I was a ward clerk in a PRAS/EPAU clinic and the nurses needed the illustrations to explain to patients about procedures.

Today it was ‘do you think he’s put the used tissues in the suitcase’…. 🫤

I have also been known to do the ‘I will be in court in the morning’

'don't worry that's not human bone, that's cow, look it has butcher marks'

Sorry DH isn't here this afternoon. He's marrying someone.

‘I’m just ordering those nipples’
Also been known to order bushes and ‘sticks like shit’

Not me but a friend once said to me, when I said he looked a bit tired:

"I've been rolling around in mud all day being shot at".

'We need to remove human rights. There are more important things..[insert list of things that are more important than human rights]'

Said by me at least several times a week.

I wouldn’t even be able to put on here the conversations we would have at work!

‘Where exactly is he smearing the poo?’

Please can people stop smashing holes in my asbestos!

DH and I often say custardddddd, as per Gerard Kelly in Extras, guaranteed to have us in fits every time😆😆

In libraries we have been known to discuss MARC format for holdings (Mfhd) records - it’s pronounced ‘muffhead’ 😂