Conversations you have that are totally normal at work but would sound very odd in public

[Idratherbepaddleboarding]

This conversation I had at work yesterday made me chuckle as it was said do nonchalantly, yet would definitely have caused raised eye brows if overheard in public:

co-worker: I’ll need to get it done today, I can’t do it tomorrow because I’m going to prison.

me: Oh me too! Which prison are you going to?

What totally normal conversations do you have at work that would sound dodgy in public? Perhaps people would like to play guess the occupation too?

"Ah, you're doing her tomorrow? Dave did her last week and said she was great"

@SpikyHatePotato Theatre? Stage technician or similar??

"So your fire alarm tried to kill you, because your neighbour told it to, but your xbox controller protected you, and that's why you carry it around"

"It's really important to take your ring off your third hand before putting it in the pickle'

"Can someone come and hold these testicles?"

Recently - "Oh for fucks sake I've left a swab up his arse!!!" Not uttered by me but a perfectly normal thing to say in my line of work.....

I was about to do a quick rebase but someone merged a massive branch to master so now I've got a ton of conflicts and it's going to take an age

I said that this morning and then thought how odd that would sound to anyone who doesn't do my job

If they are going to wear them while waiting for a replacement, then they need to check their balls every half hour or so.

Said by me yesterday...got some funny looks for that one.

I talk about Bills of Material quite a lot. Everyone calls them BoMs, which sounds exactly like bombs. Very dodgy-sounding on the phone.

Who's running today?

Great thread! I do have odd conversations but can't think of anything just now.

Me: Miss S could you stop Jason licking Sorren's face and then check Freddie's bag, as all the glue stick lids are missing again!

(5 mins later)

Miss S: Jason said he and Sorren are now cats and I found these in Freddie's bag...(holds out 6 glue stick lids and my heart shaped post it pad 🤷‍♀️)

“Could you defrost some eyeballs for me please”

Do you want more bum coverage or less? What's your definition of sexy? It's normal to have one bigger than the other.

Can someone pop those testicals in the freezer on their way out

Mild compared to some, but I do get funny looks from customers in the shop when I tell one of the lads that Donna’s here for her usual donkey balancer and a box of fat balls.

Do you think there's an adequate right of way over the rear access shaded brown?

Someone has obstructed the rear access.

Have we got evidence of discharge on this?

They'll need consent for any erections

There's probably more, but they're my fave juvenile snigger triggers in the work place. Apparently there's a very fine line between my pretty serious, straight laced work and soft erotica

You can terminate her now

“We’ll try ketamine on Friday” on a mobile in Sainsburys. Odd looks.

"I'm sure that bloke over there is a dad of one of my kids"
Assume teacher but it sounds really funny

"You chuck the blanket over his head and I'll jag him in the arse"

He's still a bit flat even though I reversed him, I think he just needs more time. Tell her everything went well and get her to ring back in a couple of hours.

Seems like there are a lot of anaesthetists on Mumsnet!

The white rabbit is wobbly again

Ask him about kangaroo care

I do not work in a zoo!

We had a swinger last night.

‘These are all orphans so they can be killed. See if you can find the dead parents for audit purposes.’

(Sounds dreadful unless you know we’re talking about Trade bookings)

"How's your day going?"

"Not great, I've got heart failure and it's a bit of a nightmare. You?"

"I'm trying to give Covid to someone, because I've already got diabetes and kidney disease. Do you think Kate could handle Covid?"

"Probably not - she's busy with child neglect. Think she might have problems with alcohol dependency as well. Or it could be opioids."